Song: 'Stay' by Alessia Cara, Tritonal, and Zedd
Won't admit what I already know
I've never been the best at letting go
I don't wanna spend the night alone
Guess I need you, and I need to
Make it on my own, but I don't wanna grow up
We can stay forever young
Living on my sofa, drinking rum and cola
Underneath the rising sun
I could give a million reasons why
But you're going, and you know that
All you have to do is stay a minute
Just take your time
The clock is ticking, so stay
All you have to do is wait a second
Your hands-on mine
The clock is ticking, so stay
All you have to do is
All you have to do is stay
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ELIJAH'S POV
"Is she still here?" My words slurred a little as I stopped my car at the guard post.
"Yes, sir," the guard answered.
I called her myself, but her number wasn't reachable, as expected, so I called the guards to inform me if... when she cam back home.
With every call I got, I anticipated it to be about her reaching home.
I hate to admit it, but as much as I felt guilty, I was more worried about her safety, hoping she'd be alright.
One constant thought kept nagging me: what if she did something to herself?
My heart stopped at the mere thought.
Nah! She'll be alright; she's much stronger than you think, my heart testified.
After a long time, my heart and I are in alignment, and I'm listening to it more than ignoring it.
I walked inside the house; the silence was usual, but today it was so heavy like that in a house of mourning. As I continued walking with stumbling feet, I felt the walls of the house closing up on me, accusing me of the environment brought upon me by my own stupidity.
I left the office earlier for the first time; it was becoming too much for me to stay there, and the environment there was so hostile and dense. Words were quick to travel about what happened; the chatter and whispers of it filled up my surroundings, making it impossible for me to concentrate.
My work has always been my safe haven, my absolute solace to drown myself in, but not today.
Today I needed something stronger to drown myself in.
I wanted to go home, but the thought of her not being there clenched my insides. What if she never comes back?
I decided against it and went to a bar, instead. I drank, but not too muchâjust enough to have the courage to talk to her while still being in my senses.
My heartbeat accelerated as I climbed up the stairs to reach her door.
What can I possibly say to her?
What do I have to say to her?
My mind which ran with a thousand made-up scenarios before now appeared completely blank.
I can't comprehend the reason why I am here.
Nonetheless, I have to talk to her.
And say what?
I took a deep breath and braced myself, nervous for the first time in years.
She's so little, yet I'm more afraid to talk to her than to talk at the UN.
What is she doing to me?
I closed my eyes, mustered up all the courage, and knocked on her door.
Silence.
A long, deafening silence was all I heard, and it lasted longer than I was willing to endure.
"Hannah," I knocked again, my voice almost unnoticeable but a little impatient this time.
Again, the door didn't open, and meanwhile, my brain raced up with thousands of unwanted images that made my breath shaky.
"Hann..." Before I could knock again, the door opened this time.
My breath seized as I looked at her dejected form. Her eyes were red, her face was swollen, evidence of her constant crying. Her clothes, which turned heads towards her in the morning, are now all wrinkled and dirty.
She looks like a mess.
A mess that you created; accused my heart.
But after all this, it was still her eyes that tugged at my heart.
Her gorgeous hazel green eyes that always sparks now resembles mineâdead, broken, and numb. She looked all cried out, staring at me blankly, almost mirroring my gaze.
She looked tired like she lost a battle.
'But guess what? I don't lose. I won't lose. I will ruin you, Hannah Evans, and nothing will save you. I won't go down, not by a slut like you,' my own words echoed in my mind.
You achieved what you hoped for, didn't you? You must be damn proud of yourself.
I gulped as I looked at the shadow of someone who once used to be a lively and happy person.
Do you mean a whore and a flirt?
"Hannah, I... we need to talk," she surprised me as she stepped aside, leaving the door wide open for me to enter.
I guess I was subconsciously prepared for a fight back. That's what she normally does, stand strong to the point of annoyance.
Well, not today.
We've never been to each other's room; this is the first time.
Holding my breath, I entered inside, internally grateful for her invitation that maybe I could salvage this, and maybe she was open to talking.
When I looked around her room, the faint ray of hope faded into thin air. The room replicated her inner state. Everything was scattered; everything was a mess, just like her.
I tried holding on to my nerves, but I lost all composure when I looked at her packed bags.
"Where are you going?" it came out harsher than I intended. I looked straight at her, but she didn't answer.
"Hannah, you can't leave." My heartbeat fastened up at the possibility. "As per the contract, you can't leave." I tried hiding the urgency in my voice but failed. I guess it's the alcohol talking.
She still didn't answer, nor did she meet my eyes.
Her silence is killing me. Also, I'm so used to her meeting my eyes head-on, challenging every gaze with fierceness, and absolutely refusing to get intimidated by me, which makes it more difficult for me to accept the sudden change I'm seeing in her.
"Listen, Hannah, I know what happened today wasn't right; I shouldn't have lashed out like that. I know I've hurt..." I reached out to her, having the urge to hold her close to me and feel the comfort of her warmth that I'd experienced in our few moments of intimacy.
But she flinched and backed away, refusing my touch.
Ouch!
"Are you..." My words slurred again, but this time with hurt and fear that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. "Are you scared of me, Hannah?" She didn't answer, confirming my suspicion.
Oh, look how the tables have turned. You are doing all the talking while she remains silent.
"Say something, Hannah," I almost pleaded in a whisper as I once again tried to close the distance that we had between us.
Unfortunately, the distance between you two can't be covered with a few steps, all thanks to you.
"I have to go," she said brokenly without meeting my eyes and tried moving past me, almost running away anxiously.
But before she got out of my reach, I grabbed onto her wrist, pulled her back to me, and held her against the wall. She was taken aback; her breathing was irregular and her body shook, but she still avoided looking at me. It reminded me of the first time I held her so close to me and felt her sweet lips against mine.
Our first kiss. My lips stretched to one side, just slightly giving a hint of a smile as I reminisced about those moments.
What brought me back to reality was that the trembling of her body today meant something completely different.
Her quivering body today signified fear.
"Tell me, are you afraid of me, Hannah?" I asked gently this time as I hovered over her petite body, still holding onto her wrist. I mingled our fingers together but she didn't wrap hers around mine.
Looking down, she gave a single weak nod, and my grip tightened on her hand in response. She winced as a result and I loosened the grip still not letting her go afraid that if I did she might vanish into thin air.
"I'm sorry," I apologized wholeheartedly, my ego and arrogance nowhere to be found. "I know my words probably don't have too much significance at the moment, and you don't have to forgive me either, but believe me that I am." I held her chin with the most delicate touch I was able to.
A tear rolled down her cheek when she finally looked at me. The hurt in them tugged at my stone-cold heart, melting it a little, so much so that I could feel her pain. I wiped it ever so lightly with my thumb.
Time stuck, and we looked into each other's eyes, holding our gazes together. My heart skipped a beat as I looked deeper into her eyes which surprisingly had become my favorite sight to look at. I put my head on hers, breathing in the peace of our nearness.
When did this happen?
When did her presence change from annoyance to bliss?
Being so close to her after such an eventful day, just looking into her captivating eyes has a calming effect on me, my killer headache long forgotten. She looked away.
"You looked so beautiful today," I said almost inaudibly out of nowhere. "It pained me to look at you from afar and so close to everyone else," I must've drunk more than I realized; otherwise, there's no way in hell I would've ever told her this.
She didn't react to it either; she just stood numbly in my presence.
"Please say something, anything. Answer me back, shout at me; your silence is killing me," I begged impatiently.
"You're drunk," Was all she said, her voice hoarse from all the crying.
"I am not, well, not completely," I said in my defense.
I realized she thought I was saying all this because of alcohol and didn't actually mean it. Well, she's not wrong; I am saying it all because of my drunken state.
"You're entitled to not believe me; I haven't given you much reason to do so, either. And maybe I'll forget it all once the alcohol is out of my system, but I mean it, every word of it." Her eyes shot up at me again, and I didn't try to hide myself from her either. "You're making me lose my mind, Hannah. I'm doing shit like today that I've never done before. I don't know what is happening to me or what I have become. I'm losing control of my emotions, everything was black and white before you came into my life, but now it's all grey. I was lost before, but now I'm losing myself. I don't want to lose myself, Hannah, not to the point where there's no turning back. I want to be found again. Can you find me, or at least the little that's left of me?" I said as my eyes closed with drowsiness. I instantly felt lighter like a burden got off me, released from a charade for pretense. Allowed myself to be seen as I've buried myself deep down under the image of unemotional and heartless persona, closed for the world to see beyond what I let them see.
I don't know what I'm blurting out, but this is the most honest I've been in years to others and myself as well.
I didn't expect her to answer, but when she did, I realized I'd broken something beyond repair.
"I can't be your punching bag, Elijah." Her voice was soft, but her words were not. "You had no right to insult me like that and humiliate me; I can't walk around you on eggshells for you to snap and destroy everything. You're a bitter man, unhappy with your life; you want the whole world to burn down because you can't figure yourself out. But I can't take it anymore; I didn't sign up for this. I'm done here," she pushed me, and I let her as I backed away. I don't know if it was the lack of our touch or her words, but the room suddenly became colder.
Her words held finality.
"I understand," I said as I looked at her collecting her luggage. "But please, you don't have to leave, not in this state. I'll go," I didn't leave right away. I waited to see if maybe she'd change her mind, but she didn't.
And for the first time, I didn't blame her.
I blamed myself.
I left her room in haste before she could contradict me. I heard her breaking down into hysterical cries as I descended the stairs, each howl a reminder of what I'd made her go through.
I finally broke her, but at what cost?
............................................................................
HANNAH'S POV
For the first time, I saw transparency in his eyesâno pretense, no image to hold up toâthe complete rawness of his absolute true self.
The real him isn't as pretty or as the world gets to see every dayâthe epitome of perfection, a far-fetched fantasy.
I saw longing in his eyes.
I saw a tired, broken man.
But his brokenness isn't my concern because, to heal him, I might end up getting ripped apart in pieces.
'I was lost before, but now I'm losing myself. I don't want to lose myself, Hannah, not to the point where there's no turning back. I want to be found again. Can you find me, or at least the little that's left of me?'
He's not my battle to fight.
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Author's note:
I like how my portrayal of Elijah has y'all so against him. This proves I depicted him right as I wanted to, flawed, dark, irrational, or just a complicated human being.
So far, he's only been a black character, and I ensured his darkness wasn't made attractive at all as it should be. It's very easy for us to fall in love with dark characters overlooking their wrongs and justifying them.
But now it's time to add a little white and turn him into a grey character. And I wanted to do it slowly and gradually because no one can change over night.
Redemption is for those who can self reflect.
And Elijah can, he's not completely evil as he lets on. He realizes his shortcomings too, though it took him much longer than most of us.
P.s we have to admit that drunk Elijah is kinda passionate and sexy.
No, is it just me? Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool...
Love you all for all the feedback and appreciation you guys leave, you all are the best friends one needs in their life.
I'm so thankful I find you all or you found this story.
Keep sharing your views and likes. We now need it more than ever because the story is getting more exciting and better.
Much Love â¤ï¸