IF THERE WAS ONE thing Levi would remember always from his youth, it was when he was ten years old, sitting on the floor of the living room. He remembered the faded pattern of their dirty carpet, the way his hands were clenched on his knees, bruised blue. The blood between his teeth tasted like weakness, the way everything about him did. He was so powerless, so fucking powerless. That monster kneeled down in front of him then, with a face that was scratched out in black, and slapped him because he had been looking him in the eye.
"Please," his mother begged," not Levi, Vince, don't touch him."
It had been one of the rare occasions she was sober and yet Levi couldn't help but still see the stranger she became almost everyday. He didn't blame her for it though, because if there was anything he had learned about this world, it was that becoming numb was the only way to survive. Emotions had made his mother choose that monster, before she chose any pill she could find to forget about them all. Often he felt like she didn't even remember him.
"Shut the fuck up, Alina," that monster roared," who do you think you're talking to?"
Levi wondered how it would feel to smash a brick on his head, but he knew it was just a fantasy. There was no hero in this fairytale, only him. He had realized no knight would rescue him a long time ago. So every morning he ran, fought and clawed his way up, until he wasn't a weak kid anymore. Until he could finally protect himself.
And then one day, when he came home with determination between his calloused fists, that man was gone.
"I'm sorry, Levi," was the only thing his mother could sob to him. Over and over, like it was a bedtime song which would lull him to sleep. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry -"
He didn't move, not saying a word as she continued to cry. It felt as if she was finally seeing him for the first time, but the sight broke her heart.
"I named you after my brother," she managed to say, tears trickling down her face," and yet I've still disappointed the both of you so much."
"There's no use in talking to dead men," he said.
"Levi," she said, eyes on him as she cupped his cheeks in her hands," I will stop, I promise. I'll be a good mother to you."
For some reason he could only think of the pancakes she made for him when his father was out. They tasted horrible, but she always had smiled so proudly at him that he couldn't help but eat the whole plate. Somehow they made his stomach feel warm.
"It'll be alright, Mom," he murmured," I'll take care of you."
When he walked out of his house for school the next day Will and Alex were waiting for him, like they always did. They both talked all the way there, distracting him as he nodded along absentmindedly. Even though he almost never talked about his situation home, they knew. He saw the way they quietly checked him for bruises every day.
Before he stepped a foot through the gate he stopped, not saying a word until everyone had passed by him.
"She's going to rehab," he said.
Alex blinked, carefully forming his sentence. "Levi, are you okay?"
Will however pulled him into a hug without any warning, Alex smiling as Levi finally breathed out.
"It'll be alright, Levi," Will told him," I know you've rejected my offer about staying at my home a few times, but please, won't you take me up on it?"
"For you -" Levi began, but Will interrupted him, pulling back and looking him in the eye.
"Not for me," he said," not for anyone else. You've been everything for others all your life. For you, Levi. You deserve so much better."
"You know you're always welcome in my house as well," Alex said, a small smile on his face," who knows, perhaps then I can convince you that boxing is the better sport after all."
They both stopped speaking at once, their gazes on Levi, but only when a droplet splashed on his hand did he realize why. Confused he wiped the remainder of his tear away from his cheek with the back of his hand, his friends not daring to speak. He shook his head, words soft.
"I'm just feeling warm inside," he said," I think I'm getting sick."
Will and Alex started laughing at the same time and he couldn't help but feel like someone was putting a blanket around him. He blinked and was in another room then, sitting on the floor again as Isis took his hands in hers this time. It was the second time his mother had relapsed, but it had been his nightmares which had driven him to her room. Over the years they had decreased in frequency, but still, he couldn't help but wake up nauseous sometimes, nails digging so deep in his palms he drew blood.
"You should depend on me, always," Isis whispered to him," I am the only one who understands you, Levi, and you me. I'll always be here for you."
He didn't say anything, because talking was a chore. Perhaps she was right, but he was tired of being dependent on someone. More importantly, someone being dependent on him. His mother was the only one he could focus all his attention on, but it was difficult to see him and Isis grow apart. Even if he wasn't in love, they had understood each other, when they had met at thirteen years old.
And yet now, it felt like she was speaking in a language he had forgotten a while ago.
"You shouldn't feel guilty for healing," Ava said to him, the snow whirling down around them.
"Who said I am feeling guilty?" Levi asked.
"You don't need to say it," she shrugged," I can see it on your face when you're with her. You have that expression like you still don't feel anything. Hell Levi, you barely bother speaking with her."
"I have nothing to say," he said.
It wasn't a lie, even talking about his family with her made him feel heavy. He didn't blame her for it, but it was hard trying to put it behind him when she just kept trying to pull him back in it. Ava was right though, that made him feel guilty, like he was leaving her behind and continuing on his own. Somehow it felt selfish, especially since they had started in the same spot. When he blinked again it was June and he was standing aside a bonfire the St Joseph students had build, his voice drowned out amidst all the shouts.
"I'm sorry, Isis," he said," I can't do this anymore."
"Levi?" she said, eyes widening as she took his hand in hers, squeezing it like it was a lifeline," what do you mean? You can't be breaking up with me, you can't."
"I'm sorry," he said.
"You're just confused," Isis told him, voice tinged with a frantic desperation," we are meant to be, Levi, can't you see? Who will you find after me who understands you like I do?"
He tipped his head slightly back, raising his eyes to the sky as she continued talking.
"It's so cold," he murmured in the summer heat.
Then he was back again, standing in the hallway of a house which now was his.
"It shouldn't be this difficult, Levi," Eleanora said and all he could think of were his parents, screaming at each other until their voices broke.
Had there ever been a chance of him being in a healthy relationship? In the end, was he just dragging Eleanora down as well? It was the only thing he could think of as he fought with Sam, before locking eyes with her again. It was hard to decipher her expression in the dark, but he wondered if he even should. If all he was doing was hurting her, then why was he even with her? Somehow all he could see was his mother running away and when he stared at his face in the mirror, it was scratched out.
"Levi," Isis coughed, getting up and walking to where he was standing," do you see now? She isn't the girl for you, not when she can't handle the slightest trouble. You know I would never complain about the way you treat me, as long as you love me."
He wiped his hand over the mirror, looking back into his own eyes.
"That isn't love, Isis," he said," we both know that isn't love."
"It is, Levi," she protested, but he knew that she didn't even believe herself.
"Are you happy?" he asked.
She parted her lips, but no words came out. That alone was an answer in itself. When she got to her feet her voice was shaky, as if she would break like glass if he said anything else.
"If not with you," she said," then how am I supposed to find happiness?"
He kept silent, because no matter what he would say it wouldn't help. She spoke again, her wings of wax melting as she fell into the sea below.
"I love you, Levi," she said," I loved you."
When he didn't reply she turned around and left, leaving him behind with his thoughts. He sat down on the floor, leaning against his bed and staring at the black carpet. There was no pattern to trace and yet he did so with his eyes, absentmindedly wondering if he had changed from the person he had been six years ago. His knuckles were still bruised, the taste of blood still between his teeth. For some reason, despite knowing he could take anyone in this house, he still felt so weak.
His door opened and he looked up, all the doubt disappearing at once when he locked eyes with the girl in the opening.
"Eleanora," he said.
He felt warm again.