She's Not Afraid
Those boys are really something else. I'll admit, whenever Hailee would begin one of her "ONE DIRECTION ARE THE GREATEST PEOPLE ON EARTH! THEY ARE SO PRETTY! THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL SOULS!" and blah blah blah, I mostly just smile and nod and allow her to simply live in her little fantasy world. I never thought she had a point somewhere in between her fangirl nonsense. These boys are actually pretty great. Who knew?
I am making my way to the bus that will be my home, along with Caroline, Brooklyn, Lou, and some of the other members of the design team, for the next year of my life. When I finally find the right bus, I hop up the first step before grabbing ahold of the metal bar beside the stairway and hauling myself up onto the platform at the front of the bus. When I look around the entrance area of the bus that I am now standing in, I notice a sticky note attached to the wall beside the door of the bus with my name on it.
Avery-- Change of plans. You will be in bus #1.
<3 Caroline
Ok...
I make my way over to the front of the line of tour buses parked in the lot. When I get to the entrance of the designated #1 bus, I hop aboard, same as the other one. Only this time, I'm not greeted by an empty platform or a sticky note. No. I walk into a room filled with five boys strewn across the living area.
Great. I guess I forgot a little detail... the guys live on the #1 bus.
Zayn was the first to notice me, as he sits up from his upside down position hanging off the couch. "Ave! What's up?!"
"Uh, I think there's been a mistake. Caroline left me this note that I'd be moving on the #1 bus."
"Nope! No mistake! We have decided to take one less bus to save money because we can fit everyone on if everybody moves around a little bit. So... You are gonna be living with us! YAY!" Harry screams as he comes over to wrap me in a tight hug whilst continuing to jump up and down. However, I don't make a move to jump along with him.
"What?!"
"Haha, don't worry! It won't be that bad! It may even be fun! Think about it! On the road hanging out with friends all day!" Louis cries out excitedly.
"No offense, but I mean... I've only known you guys for a day."
"Don't worry about it! We will be best friends in no time!" Niall yells.
"Haha, ok well whatever you say," I smile, still unsure about all of this. "Uh, where am I staying?"
"Here, come have the grand tour! You've been in the living area before which includes the kitchen, the bathrooms are through that door, and our bunks are right here," he says as he walks up through the narrow walkway that has six bunk beds: two lining either sides, and two against the back wall of the bus. "The order goes across the bottom; Zayn, Louis, Niall, then Harry, you, and me on the top."
"Great," I say sarcastically.
"Hey!" Zayn cries, feigning offense at my statement. "You will love it! I promise!"
"Haha, okay, whatever you say," I snicker.
"Who wants to play Guitar Hero?!" Louis screams next to me, partially damaging my ear drum, I'm sure.
"YAS!!!" the rest of the boys scream.
This is going to be a long year.
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"What're you thinking about over here?" Louis asks as he joins me, sitting on the edge of the bunk watching the guys fight over who is actually the king of Guitar Hero. I wanted a break and a few moments to myself, so I escaped back to the bunks for a little bit. These boys are beginning to bring back memories I want to forget existed, and I'm having a hard time with it.
"Nothing," I say, not wanting to talk about it.
"Oh come on. You have that look where you know somethings on your mind."
"You boys just bring back memories, that's all," I sigh, trying to avoid this conversation.
"What kind of memories?" he asks, seemingly slightly concerned. He must have noticed my nostalgia isn't caused by thoughts of running hand in hand through a meadow; it isn't a pleasant memory.
I huff. "It's a long story, Louis."
I don't really know why I am even allowing myself to think about talking to him about any of this, but the words just seem to flow out of my mouth. He is just easy to talk to, I guess.
"I've got time," he smirks.
"Maybe one day, Louis."
He smiles sadly but knowingly at me, seeming to understand it's not something I was ready to talk about. He looks at me once more before standing up and walking over with the rest of the boys.
I truly wish I could tell them, they seem like good enough guys. But at the same time, they could want nothing to do with me if they knew I'm damaged and broken. I think, as I look down at the white scars on my arm, I'm damaged, both inside and out.
There is no use being sad about it. The damage has been done. It only took one boy to ruin me, and now I will never be the same. As much as I try to move on with my life, it would take a long time, if not forever, for me to be able to repair that part of myself that has been so badly broken. If only I could have left during the good parts; before it all went wrong. Then again, before it started happening, how was I to know to leave? Why would I be afraid? Things were so good and happy and perfect. Why did he have to go and ruin it? Why did he have to go and ruin me?
Now, though, I have five new guys in my life, and though that fact alone terrifies me, I can't help but hope to bd excited. For the first time in the last year, I had something to wish for; family. These boys could be my friends; the family I wish for.