Panic

WILLOW

The touch on my arm was like a lightning bolt through a dream, jolting me into the harsh light of reality.

I must’ve dozed off in this rattling beast of a truck, lulled by the drone of tires on asphalt.

“We’re stopping here for gas, honey,” Shawna said.

“Thank you.” I pulled myself upright in the passenger seat, but the throb of the wound in my back had me blinking against the pain.

Fully awake now, I slipped a hand under the hoodie this kind driver had given me to ward off shivers that weren’t entirely caused by the frigid air.

~Shit.~ I was bleeding through the bandage and my T-shirt. ~I’ll have to go and clean it up.~ As soon as I scanned my surroundings, though, I had second thoughts. ~Oh, fuck. There’s so many people here.~

At least two dozen men, women, and children were coming, going, or milling about—more people than I’d ever met in my entire life.

My mouth dried as I remembered that Nurse Amy hadn’t given me my suppression meds. She’d shoved a hard drive in my pocket, I’d discovered later, but not my pills. Those had remained at the facility, along with her body.

Tears welled in my eyes, not only from grief but also fear.

Fear of what I could do to all these people if—

The truck door jerked open, pulling me out of my spiral, and Shawna smiled up at me from outside. “You comin’, hun? There’s a ladies’ over there if you need it.”

Unfortunately, I did need it. After all Shawna had done for me, the last thing I wanted was to bleed all over her sweatshirt. Sniffling back my emotions, I stepped down, out of the truck, and practically fell into her arms.

Shawna held me up, and I didn’t miss the quiet speculation in her eyes.

She had questions, of course. But she hadn’t asked a single thing apart from “Where you headed?” since I’d flagged her down in the dark of night after stumbling out of the woods with bloody feet and a questionable ability to stay standing.

“Just over there,” she said.

I looked toward where she was gesturing, nearly balking at the distance. I wasn’t sure I could make it, not in my weakened state and with my torn-up feet.

But I had to try.

Taking a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and took that first aching step forward.

“Tsk!” Shawna clicked her tongue, grabbed my arm, and weaved it forcefully through hers. “Here, honey. I’ll help you,” she said brusquely, and slung her other arm around my waist.

I barely suppressed a cringe as her fingers curled into my side, way too close to the sore spot. Pain flared so hard I nearly passed out, but instead I gritted my teeth and put on my big-girl panties.

With every step I took toward the toilet block—and the people standing around it—my heartbeat increased.

~There’s too many people here. How close are we to a full moon?~ I searched the bright sky until I found it—half-lit, left side glowing. ~Thank goodness. I have three weeks to get as far away from humanity as possible.~

Relief passed through me in time for Shawna’s hand to slide right over my wound. A hiss and a wince ripped out of me, and she let me go like a hot potato.

“Where does it hurt?” Her voice was gruff, demanding. A frown creased her heavy brow, but her hands hovered near enough that she could catch me if I fell over.

I tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace. Before I could reply, she spotted the blood on her palm that had seeped through the black fabric of the hoodie.

Her eyes caught mine, and there it was again—fucking sympathy.

“I’m okay. Just need to clean up,” I said, intentionally holding her gaze. I’d stare her down if I had to.

“Okay, my ass!” she said, and took hold of my arm again. This time she was more careful with where she placed her hand and managed to steer us expertly without me feeling like I was about to black out from pain.

My adrenaline carried me in the last leg. Just as it’d done while I’d hurtled through mountainous terrain dense with ancient woods mere hours after having had some sort of major operation.

Still no clue what they’d done to me. But whatever it was, it’d left me weak as a kitten.

Shawna even had to help me into the stall. Then she pulled up my shirts enough to expose the gash. “Oof, this looks bad. I’ll be back in five.”

“No,” I said, forcing a smile onto my face. “I can handle this. Really. You’ve helped enough.” I didn’t want her to help or take care of me. In fact, I didn’t want her to be friendly or come close at all.

Especially since what she should be doing was getting as far away from me as possible.

She waved away my words. “It’s a hard place for you to reach. Let me do this, all right?” She stepped out of the stall. “I’ll knock three times like this”—she rapped her knuckles on the door—“That’s how you’ll know it’s me. Okay?”

I nodded and sank onto the toilet seat, relieved to take some pressure off my feet. I rested my head against the wall as the sudden awareness of my situation overwhelmed me.

~I’m free. I’m outside.~ Tears blurred my vision, and this time, I let them fall while my mind replayed my escape. Specifically, I thought about all the things I’d experienced so far.

How I’d seen the sky with my own eyes, instead of through a photograph or monitor. How I’d felt real wind on my face, not from a fan. How I’d smelled trees, so many trees. And how I’d heard—

A scream brought me back to the restroom, and without thinking, I bolted up to my feet, ready to fight whoever was about to attack me. It took me a moment to realize it’d only been a child playing and that no one was trying to hurt me.

~Fuck. All these people~. My brain swam in a fog of fear again. I sat back down, willing my pulse to slow, and buried my face in my hands. ~Shit, shit, shit. Have I done the right thing? Can I really live without harming anyone? Was Nurse Amy right?~

~Nurse Amy…~

A mental snapshot clicked into place: the look on her face as she died, right there in the dirt, in the dead of night, with blood spreading over her shirt.

My throat tightened, and I drew in a shaky breath of stale air.

Nurse Amy’s dying eyes had seared themselves into my skull. And they weren’t alone in there. The still-vivid image of the boy with the ripped-out throat flashed next across my vision.

The next thing I knew, I was hunched over the toilet, dry-heaving into the bowl.

Thank goodness nothing was coming out, because less than a minute later, three rapid knocks sounded on the cubicle door. It was enough to propel me out of my nausea and straight to my feet.

I fumbled with the latch before getting it open.

Shawna entered, carrying items that I recognized: cotton wool, bandages, and a bottle of antiseptic liquid. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” was all she said while she waited for me to turn around and lift up my shirts.

Her warm fingers gently removed the soaked bandage. Then she hissed softly before the stark smell of antiseptic filled the air around us.

I flinched when the cold cotton wool touched the part of my back that carried a permanent, dull ache, punctuated by sharp stabs of agony.

“You’ve pulled some of your stitches,” Shawna said, and dabbed again at the sore spot.

Instead of answering, I concentrated on swallowing the pain, fear, and panic threatening to overwhelm me. After Shawna repositioned my tops, I turned around. “Thank you,” I said, and she gave me a worried smile.

“Don’t mention it. But you don’t want it to get infected. So, when we get to Seattle, you need to have that checked out by a doctor.”

The word ~doctor~ landed like a stone in my chest. I couldn’t see a doctor. What if they found out I was a monster and locked me away again? Or what if they sent me back?

Definitely no more doctors.

And Seattle. A major city was the last place I wanted to be. I needed to be going ~away~ from civilization, not toward it.

I returned her smile, hiding my rising panic behind a calm mask. There was no way I’d be finishing this journey with her, I decided, but she didn’t have to know that now.

“Oh, and here,” she said, reaching into the plastic bag behind her. She handed me a bottle of water, a bubble pack of pills, and two flat pieces of soft-looking material, shaped vaguely like footprints. “Had to guess your size. Hope they fit.”

The sight of the footwear—even if these things seemed flimsy and useless for running—nearly brought tears to my eyes. If I weren’t worried about bleeding more into her hoodie, I’d hug her.

“Now,” she said, opening the stall door, “I’m gonna go fill up and pay. And get us some snacks. You head on back to the truck when you’re done.” Thankfully, Shawna left before she could register my frown.

Because I wasn’t going to go back to her truck.

I knew Seattle wasn’t where I wanted to be; I just didn’t know where else to go.

Mulling this over, I tossed the floppy open shoes onto the floor. When the hard plastic strap wedged between my toes, I wondered how anyone could walk in these. Slowly, I shuffled my way out of the restroom and back into the daylight.

The sun shone on my face, and I stopped to take it in. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply through my nose.

~Trees.~ There was a forest nearby. ~That’s it! That’s where I’ll go!~ The moment I thought it, I knew it was right. It ~felt~ right, somehow, as if that was where I belonged.

The gas station came back into view, and I glanced around for the forest. But all I saw were vehicles, people, and the station itself.

Spotting Shawna’s truck at the far end of the lot, I headed toward it. Not to get in, but to get away from these obstructions for a clearer glimpse of the land beyond.

At least I didn’t need Shawna’s arm around me as I went; having that protective layer between my skin and the hard concrete helped, too. Even if they were the most uncomfortable things I’d ever worn on my feet.

I finally hobbled past the last row of parked cars, now a yard away from Shawna’s truck, and the view opened up to my left. I spun to look—and froze in my tracks.

Right there, jutting up from the horizon, was the most beautiful sight of a snow-capped mountain.

~That’s it. That’s where I need to go.~

Determination filled me to reach that wild land, to live in solitude where I couldn’t hurt anyone, but then I thought about Shawna. Turning toward her truck, I decided that instead of saying goodbye, I’d give her back her hoodie.

But I only made it one step before a massive body slammed into me, and I flew sideways.

The crack of my skull hitting the concrete was the last thing I heard before the world went dark.