Not Normal.

Warning: anxiety attack

Words 1711

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You know that anxiety feeling you get?

You know how it's worse at night?

You know what it's like—    Alright, that's enough questions. I know you know what it feels like not to sleep.

I've been off my medication for 2 weeks...

Yeah, I know that's a long time. But you don't understand! I hate it so much, and the thought of needing pills to keep myself living normally makes me not want to live.

If I can't live right without taking some sort of pill, then why am I even alive?

But then again, once I take them I forget all about it and feel 10x better. But it isn't enough. I don't want to take pills to be human anymore.

I don't want to face that endless torture of stuffing it in my mouth and swallowing.

So, here I am.

Quickly, but quietly, tiptoeing out of bed and out of the bedroom door, leaving Tyler to sleep peacefully. He always sleeps peacefully. It kind of makes me jealous.

Once I'm down stairs I take that moment to take a deep breath in, my body's insides enclosing in on itself, making me feel this terrible cramping feeling in my gut.

Did I do something wrong? Maybe I did something wrong. It isn't normal to feel this way unless if I did something wrong!

Oh wait, I'm not normal.

I let out a sharp breath, setting myself down on the couch. My urge to move is unforgettable, the feeling of running might just ease the fire inside my lungs; inside my whole body.

Instead of going full on crazy and running, I bounce my knees.

It'll go away in a second, just give it a second. It'll be over in a second. Then I'll actually be able to sleep since 2 weeks ago.

It's fine. It's okay. I'm okay.

I lean my head down into my hands as a grip my hair, before shooting my head up to look at the ceiling. I let out another breath, the deep breath easing the feeling the slightest bit to make it less inconvenient.

A small groan escapes my lips, and it turns into a mourning hum. More like a quiet whimper.

It won't go away, the feeling won't go away.

It'll never go away. It's here to stay.

"Y/n?" Tyler's tired raspy voice startled me, making me jump the slightest bit and fling my head up. My back was to the staircase, so I didn't even try to look behind me. That would've made the unforgiving pain worse — no, uneasiness. It wasn't really pain, was it?

My breathing was heavy. I was hungry for air that would refuse to pass my throat. That didn't stop me from hearing footsteps getting closer to me at a rather quick pace. It wasn't running, nor was it considered fast, just quicker than usual. Urgent.

The footsteps wrapped around the couch and I felt the cushions sink with his weight. He didn't dare touch me, but yet he placed his elbow on his knee, leaning over to look at me. His eyes were full of sympathy and concern. His eyebrows furrowed the slightest bit. At least, I think they were. I could only see him from the corner of my eye. I didn't want to look at him. What if I burst into tears in front of him? Would that be so bad? Yes. Maybe. I'm not sure.

When he realized I wasn't going to talk or respond to his appearance he wrapped his arm carefully around my shoulders. He rubbed my back slowly, seemingly dulling the fire in my stomach.

I let out an all-of-the-sudden sob, that seemed to catch Tyler off guard. His hand quickened it's pace on my back, before he threw his other arm around me to wrap me into his chest. I could hear him mumbling things. I think I heard him say 'breath' and 'it's okay.'

"Listen to me alright, you're okay." He combed my hair, making me feel sleepier than I've ever felt. And that was like impossible. It eased the war raging in my stomach. "Listen to me, I need you to take deep breaths with me."

I let out another whimper, nodding my head. He took a deep breath in, waiting gradually for me to do the same. I leaned my forehead to his chest, taking in a deep wobbly breath, I felt him exhale, and the warm breath alone comforted my bones. I did the same, which urged Tyler to, yet again, take a deep inhale, to which I followed suit.

After a few breaths I was feeling calmer. I was still basically crying. Tears were spilling from my eyes and I buried my face into his shirt, but it was no longer because of the fire in my stomach. That fire was now extinguished by none other than fire man Joseph.

I was now crying because of the fact I felt guilty. Tyler didn't know I was off my meds, and it was hard keeping it from him. And now here I was, 2 weeks later, legs and arms both wrapped around his torso, crying into his chest while he rubbed my back, and talked soothing words to me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, my forehead still firm onto his shoulder. I felt him shake his head, beginning to comb my hair.

"Don't be sorry. Do you think you can tell me what's up?" He mumbled into my hair just above my ear, exactly where he's been whispering comforting words and phrases.

"I- I haven't been taking my meds." I stutter, it was more like a whine.

Tyler looked down, I could feel his nose on my shoulder, trying to maybe look at my facial expression without having to pick my head up from his shoulder.  "Why?" He asked softly. I could hear the desire to know in his voice, no matter how much he tried to cover it up.

"I don't need them." I mumbled, before deciding to rephrase it. "I don't want to need them."

Tyler removed his hands from my back and applied them to my shoulders lightly nudging me to look at him. Once I did, his eyebrows furrowed. "Yes, but don't you want to feel better?"

"I do, but I shouldn't need pills to help me with that." I defend.

"Well you do need pills to help you with that." He sighed, looking down at his lap, where I was currently occupying. A small pout took his lips as he thought. "A lot of people do."

"Yes, but if I can't live normally without some damn pill then what's the point of living at all?" I blurted, making Tyler's head dart up and his eyebrows furrow.

"Please don't think like that. A lot of people take pills. You aren't the only one." He gestured to himself.

I stared at him for a moment, watching his brown eyes stare into mine with persistence for me to understand. "I haven't..." I stopped a thought suddenly popping into my mind. What if he yells at me for not telling him? I wouldn't be able to handle that. This was a serious conversation. I looked down, and Tyler tilted his head the slightest bit to maybe keep eye contact with me. "I haven't slept in 2 weeks."

I felt myself rise up as Tyler took a big breath in, but soon began to lower as Tyler exhaled. "I know." He murmured. "I keep waking up with you not there, thinking maybe you went to get water and I go back to sleep. This time when I woke up I heard you crying or something, and came to check on you." He explained. His facial expressions are all the more noticeable when his face is close. I can only guess that my face is dull and dead looking. I kind of feel bad for him; having to look at me all day.

He looked down, his little fluff of hair tickling my nose. But he soon looked up to meet my eyes again, almost waiting for me to continue talking.

"What am I supposed to do?" I whispered, my arms now making it around his neck, my legs still wrapped around his torso. He pursed his lips in thought, his eyes moving from my hair to his lap back to my eyes.

"I say: you go back on your medication." He whispered back gently. "I know it's hard for you. Trust me, it's hard for me too. But, you can't keep having nights like this, love. It's not healthy."

I gulped, glancing off to the side to see the pillow Tyler was squishing against the arm rest. A small frown on my face. The feeling of fire was, again, erupting in my stomach, but it was faint due to the fact it was in the back of my mind. I felt Tyler's fingers brush against my cheek, before sticking a strand of my hair behind my ear, making me feel less trapped. He put his hand on the back of my neck, so he could groom my cheek with his thumb, and he slightly smiled as he did so, as if he was enjoying it. It seemed to interest him, as he waited for my response.

Despite the pleasure I felt of his thumb on my cheek, I pressed my forehead back on his shoulder, making his hand lose contact with my face. It resided on the back of my head, where it firmly pressed my head closer. "I just want this feeling to go away." I whined tiredly; Emotionally and physically.

"I know." He mimicked my tone of voice, pressing his cheek onto my head. "Let me go get your meds, alright?" He mumbled into my ear, to which I nodded absentmindedly, totally oblivious to the fact that meant we had to break the cuddle that calmed the storm.

I sighed when I felt him moving under me, slightly sliding me to the side of him so I could let down on the couch. I didn't protest, no matter how much I wanted to.

He soon came back with a cup of water and 4 pills. He silently took my hand and pressed the pills to my palm. I stared at the pills, for what felt like an eternity.

I took a deep breath before closing my eyes and tossing them into my mouth. I grabbed the water from him and gulped it down.

Tyler's smile grew larger, as his eyes flickered with pride. He grasped the cup from me and placed it on the coffee table, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

He lingered there for a moment before pulling back, his smile now faded to a more controlled smirk.

"Thank you for making me do that. I feel better already. I think it was bothering me that I didn't take them and that's why I was feeling that way." I exclaimed, picking at a string of my leggings. I felt Tyler's hand make contact with my thigh, the warm gesture instantly bringing a smile to my face.

"You think you'll be able to sleep?" He asked, and I nodded.

I leaned over and gave him a long chaste kiss on the lips. "I think so." I whispered.

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