Chapter 146: Confession

First of all let me warn you this is a rant and has little structure because I just wrote what I was thinking down: I'm terrified. I have few friends and I've told them that I'm bi and that I have depression. But I'm scared because I don't know, I've had a crush on a girl before (I'm also a female) and I would be willing and happy to date girls and guys, but I'm scared that I might actually not be bi. I feel like I am but I don't know, I'm scared that if I'm actually not I would have been lying to them. I haven't told my family because I'm so scared of that. I don't know if I have depression either since I self diagnosed myself and it hits periodically, though it can stay for months. I can be happy one second but one thing happens and I get depressed, I think that I am just overreacting because my friend has said that. I hate telling people how I feel and ranting because I feel like I'm just bothering people with my feelings. I always feel like I'm just a bother to people and that no one cares. I've had thoughts of cutting but never have. I've faked being happy and let people do whatever to keep them happy. I swear I have mental issues like bipolar disorder, but I'm too scared to get help and get tests done. I'm scared to talk to my dad about how I feel because he doesn't take anything seriously. My mom just moved across the country. This will be the first time I told anyone anything. That girl I had a crush on broke my heart, she had a suspicion I liked her and changed herself to make me not like her, told me things to make me not like her. She made me feel unwanted, ugly, unlovable. I never told her, she still doesn't know. she makes me feel depressed on a daily basis, but I can't get rid of her because she's one of the only people who can deal with me and one of my only friends. She often makes me feel like I fucked up. I don't know what I should do, I don't know what to believe about myself. To be blunt I hate myself. I can't make decisions on my own because I'm afraid of fucking up like I have in the past. Like I said before how I have like no friends I'm always getting depressed when I hear about my popular friends activities, she's always with people and having fun. This whole thing has been random but I can't help it Things just popped into my head and I wrote them down. I'm hoping this will help me slightly. I want help, but I'm scared to tell anyone how I feel especially my parents, I want to talk to people, but I can't.