10:45...Penny walks into Dr. Romano-Hill's office for her weekly therapy session.
God, it has felt like forever. So much has happened since the last time I saw her, Penny thought to herself. The last time she saw her was Friday after Thanksgiving. The last time she had a real session with her was two weeks ago. For some reason, Penny feels like a new, changed person.
However, the creeping feeling of everything crashing down on her is still there. The thoughts of how she doesn't deserve any of this remain stuck. For most of the day she can push those thoughts away, but at night, they keep her up at night.
This session she feels ready to talk about her past trauma, as known as her father.
Penny gently knocked on her office door. She heard a soft "Come in." She turns the gold-plated door knob and push the door. Sitting at her desk, Aubrey Romano-Hill sat, looking on her computer. She quickly turned it off and smiled towards Penny. "Hey!"
"Hi Aubrey," Penny replied. She got up from her desk and walk towards Penny, giving the girl a nice hug.
"I heard about the job you got. Congratulations!" Aubrey rejoiced. She seems radiant today.
"Thank you," Penny said.
"You know what," Aubrey said, moving towards her chair. "Why don't we get started?"
"Sure," Penny's heart started to beat faster. She never confessed something this heavy on purpose. It is hard.
"So, tell me about your week, first of all."
"Well, it wasn't easy at first. I was called on Thanksgiving to come in and review the contract the next day. So, Danny and I went in and looked at the contract. I honestly didn't know if I was ready to handle something that big. Being the lead is incredibly stressful and overwhelming, and we know how I get when I am overwhelmed." Penny started to chuckle, humorlessly. "So I told them I needed time to think. Danny then got pissed at me, screaming at me and calling me dumb and all of this. I was heartbroken. I still haven't talk to him. So I ran inside to the Penthouse and just collapsed on the inside of the door, crying. Quentin found me and asked if I was okay. I ran away to my room and he asked again. I kind of also screamed at him. I was just shocked because why would be care for me. He was awful to me when we first met, why did he care all of a sudden? But he said he was offering an ear to listen to my problems, so through the door, I told him what happened. I told him how it felt was Danny yelled at me for only wanting to think about something. Quentin started to defend my actions and told me that he had no right to yell at me. So I asked him again...why did he care about me so much?
"I kind of started ranting about my life and I confessed something I really didn't want to. I was saying how I get myself into these situations where I just get hurt. My mother left and ran away when I was fourteen.
"That is when my father started to abuse me," Penny finally said, tears pricked the corners of her eyes. It was hard to think about, but her heart has already lifted significantly.
Aubrey, being a trained psychologist, said, "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"No, I feel like I do. The only person that ever knew was the live-in maid, Ms. Birdie. She would stand by the side and watch as he would beat me and call me vile names. She would be there to clean up the wounds and feed me when my father wasn't around to watch me. Thankfully, my father was a business man and wasn't home too often; but when he was, it was like hell. I hate it when people come up to me and tell me how sorry they are for my lost. I don't care because I am glad he is dead. I have a new life without him."
Penny paused before continuing, allowing Aubrey to respond, "Growing up with abuse, any type of abuse, can follow through adulthood. Your feelings of your father being gone are totally normal for someone in your situation. The depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed and unsure of yourself are part of the aftermath of neglect and abuse. Thank you for telling me this, it was incredibly brave of you."
Penny tried so hard not to roll her eyes, "One of the reasons I never told anyone especially afterwards is that I don't want people telling me how brave I am or how sorry they are that I went through something like that for ten years. It feels like a reminder of how alone in this I am."
"I know it is difficult and isolating it can feel. Being in an abusive relationship of any kind is stressful and isolating. I believe the reason you feel this way is that you don't find yourself brave."
"Of course I'm not brave," Penny said breathlessly. "I had a job, I was making money, so I could have moved away. I didn't though! I was stuck in this horrible situations and all I had to do was walk out the door and never see him again."
"Yes that's true, so why do you think you stayed. So many people who face abuse don't leave there abusers for many reasons. One being that they fear for there life."
Some tears started to fall from her eyes, "He was such a powerful man, he could have found me in a day. Then his anger would be through the roof. I think at that point, whether he truly wanted to or it was a mistake, he would kill me."
"See," Aubrey said, "You wanted to leave but a perfectly good reason kept you there. I can't imagine feeling something like that, but I do know how difficult it is to live with fear like that. Rather than dwelling on something that didn't or couldn't happen, focus on what did. Your father passed away and you move here. You have a lovely job and lovely friends. Speaking of friends, you told me earlier that you told this to Quentin, tell me how that went."
A little flutter happened in Aubrey's chest. Even though they were already married, she totally ships them together.
"Well, at the time, I was ranting about how no one loved me, and I said that without thinking. Realizing what I did, I screamed at him to go away because he was begging to let me in. I couldn't see his face at that moment. He told me that he wasn't going to leave me alone. He had a key to my room, but he told me he wasn't going to use it. He was just going to sit outside my room. He told me he loved me..."
"What!" Aubrey shouted. Her jaw was frozen open. Did her brother really confess his feelings that fast and when she was in such a fragile place?
"No! Not in that way!" Penny tried to cover. "I was shocked too when I heard him say that. He told me it wasn't in a romantic way, but that he loved and cared for me. He told me how he treated me when we first met was the greatest mistakes of his life. I was so happy. For the first time, it felt like I wasn't alone. He was supporting me when he didn't have too and that meant so much to me. I told him how I was going to turn down the role because I felt like I didn't deserve it, and I still feel that way sometimes. I just felt like I couldn't handle something that big. He then told me his struggle with ADHD, how no one believe in him after everything that happened but he overcame it all. He told me that he believed in me and how I need to believe in myself. For some reason, it was just something I needed to hear. I left from my door because I wasn't responding. I realized that these people in the show trusted me with something, they chose me for a reason. So I called back and told them I was in. I am so glad that I did because I feel like I have more purpose in my life right now. I have met so many amazing people and it makes me so happy."
Penny trails off.
"You feel like something is going to happen and that happiness is going to be taken away."
"Yes, everything in my life has been taken from me. Why wouldn't this?"
"That is the past trauma speaking. All your life who have been suppressed, hurt, and unhappy. Why wouldn't that continue after the abuse? But you are wrong. The show itself isn't bringing you happiness. It is the feeling of purpose and having friends. If something happens to the show, you still have those memories and you still have those people. If a falling out happens with those people, you still have us. You have me, Quentin, Addison, and even Danny. Nothing can take away what you feel now expect yourself. You have to appreciate what is in front of you. Maybe you should start a gratitude journal, writing down everyday one thing that you are grateful that day. It will help you appreciate your happiness. If you are stuck worry about if you even deserve it- which you do- or if it will all go away, you are going to miss it all!"
Penny throughout the whole time is nodding along, "Okay, I do a gratitude journal."
"Good. Remember, its okay to have bad days and it's okay if you take your time recovering."
"Thank you," she says meekly.
Changing the subject, mainly for her own enjoyment, Aubrey asks, "So how is Quentin?"
"Oh yeah, I never finished what happened," Penny remembered. "So on Saturday, I was walking home late from our first rehearsal, and I felt like someone was following me. I was terrified, alone on the streets as a young woman. So I basically bolted back and the doorman ask me how I was and told me that if I needed anything that he could help with to let him know. There I realized that this simple doorman cares about my wellbeing. For the first time, I felt like I was home. I felt comfortable, safe, and provided for. Nothing like I have every felt in my life. I was overcome with these emotions and basically broke down in front of Quentin again. He thought the doorman touched me in someway." She chuckled again at the thought. "I had to stop him and tell him that the doorman did nothing wrong. I thank Quinn for giving me a home and a family. Then he said 'Anything for you.' We ate dinner, had a great time, he bought me some mace to protect myself on the streets. We were finished for the night and I was walking to my room and he asked if my father really abused me. He said it like he was scared to know the truth, not that I was lying. He embraced me in a hug and kissed my forehead and told me I was safe at home.
"Ever since he hasn't brought it up, asked me questioned about it, which I really appreciated it. I don't really wanted to talking about everything with him yet. It is weirdly starting to feel like we are an actual married couple. We fall into this routine everyday. We eat breakfast together. I make our lunches for the day, and I come home to dinner. I have never thought about someone romantically before. Do I have feelings towards Quentin? Would he feel the same about me? Oh!" Penny catches herself. "I'm sorry if this is awkward for you since I'm literally talking about your younger brother."
Aubrey, basically lost in her fantasy of the two of them together, is brought back, "No of course not! I am your therapist, I always try to forget familial ties when talking to you...to remind impartial."
"Okay, so you're good with me talking about Quentin?" Penny asked again, still unsure.
"Of course, totally not awkward. Carry on, I'm listening!" She teasing the girl, acting more like teenagers talking about the boys they like.
"Okay, like I was saying, I have never felt a romantic attraction towards anyone really. Never had any crushes or secret flings behind my fathers back. The only people I have kissed are those on stage. Whenever I found someone attractive and I would like to be with them, I think about my father and what he would. I think about my crushes face when I tell them about my father and them wanted to do everything to help me when there really was nothing to do. I never wanted to  give myself hope. Now, I feel like I have all of these repressed sexual energy. So the question is, do I really like Quentin, am I just really horny, or am I just making all of this up in my head because Quentin is literally the first person to give me any sort of attention?"
"I can see why this is a serious issue. You father prevent you from being you. He took away an important aspect of adolescents: dating and discovering yourself. I don't know if you're 'faking' this, only you know that. However, I do know that most of the time, if you think you are faking it, you really aren't." Aubrey says. She looks at the watch on her left wrist, "Well, that's all the time we have today."
"Wow, that was fast," Penny says, realizing that it was already time to go.
"It really did. Thank you for coming! I'll see you later," Aubrey finally says, ushering Penny back into the world.