CH 26

Zhan Xiaorao entered Song Yan’s number into her phone, and the light on the screen was reflected in her eyes, shining like a diamond.

Xu Qin watched her dial the number and put the phone to her ear expectantly.

The office was quiet, and iPhones were not soundproof.

Xu Qin could hear the clear beeping sound on the other end, the phone was picked up, and Song Yan’s voice sounded particularly deep and magnetic in the receiver:

“Hello?”

Zhan Xiaorao couldn’t hide her excitement: “I finally found you, hello!”

Song Yan: “Who is this?”

Zhan Xiaorao spoke quickly: “I’m the girl you rescued in Si Xi Di a month ago……that papercraft studio that caught on fire, you don’t remember?”

The other end paused for a second and said, “I don’t remember.”

Xu Qin flipped through the medical records with downcast eyes, hearing those three words, it was like the sound of heaven.

“It’s okay if you don’t remember, you’ll be able to recall it when you see me.” Zhan Xiaorao was not at all depressed, and said enthusiastically, “Thank you for saving my life. Let me treat you to dinner.”

The other side said: “No need.”

Hung up, simply and neatly.

As Xu Qin expected.

“Hey—” Zhan Xiaorao hadn’t finished speaking, but there was only a beep from the phone.

Xu Qin’s state of mind seemed to have swept away the haze of the whole month.

Getting off work, Xiao Nan saw Xu Qin’s lips were slightly curved upwards when she left, with a rare pleasant countenance. Xiao Nan was completely at a loss.

A few days later, Xiao Dong’s physical examination results came out, HIV negative, not infected.

Xiao Dong got the results, ran all the way to Xu Qin’s office, grabbed Xiao Xi and Xiao Bei, jumped and screamed, cried and laughed.

“It’s true that good people are rewarded.” Xiao Dong said, “No one was infected. Neither was the group of firefighters. They all hugged me happily.”

Xu Qin looked up: “Have they come to the hospital?”

Xiao Dong: “That’s right, in the infection center.”

Xu Qin sat on the spot for a second, then put her hands in her pockets and got up: “I just remembered I need to find Professor Xu.”

Walking out of the office, she heard Xiao Dong yelling behind her: “Those were words I said out of anger, who said I’m going to resign? To be an angel in white is my childhood dream.”

Xu Qin exited the emergency building but did not go towards the outpatient clinic, instead she turned towards the infection center. When she got to the HIV laboratory, the hallway was empty.

Xu Qin asked her colleague: “Where are the firefighters who came to get tested?”

“They are all good, they left.” The laboratory technician also looked very happy, “Just left, about a minute ago.”

Xu Qin turned around and gave chase.

As soon as she got out of the elevator, she saw a group of men in olive green uniforms from a distance, they had already left the building. Song Yan’s back was particularly clear and bright.

When Xu Qin ran through the crowd and out of the building, she only saw Song Yan’s figure getting into the car last, and leaving.

Xu Qin had no choice but to stop, panting lightly, and looked into the distance.

Song Yan got into the car and closed the door. When the car started, he unconsciously glanced back towards the hospital, and saw Xu Qin standing in the courtyard in all white.

In December, it was already very cold.

She was originally staying indoors, wearing thin clothes, only a set of light green surgical scrubs under her white coat, and holed shoes on her feet. Her hair was randomly tied into a low bun, and her bare face had a blank expression, looking in his direction.

Through the glass, two pairs of eyes faced each other.

The car drove away quickly, and her figure floated away behind him.

……

Xu Qin didn’t stay where she was, it was too cold outside.

When she returned to the office, she suddenly thought of Zhan Xiaorao and thought about what she would do if she had her disposition. At that moment, Xu Qin faintly realized that Zhan Xiaorao’s setback that day would not be the end.

And this confirmation came very quickly and intensely.

The next night, Xu Qin saw Zhan Xiaorao again at Xiao Yixiao’s bar.

Since sitting together, Xu Qin had observed that Zhan Xiaorao had been playing with her cellphone all night, looking at it with alternating expressions of smiling and frowning. Her fingers sometimes swiped quickly on the screen, and other times stopped to hesitate and ponder.

Xiao Yixiao asked: “You’ve been chatting all night, who are you so close to?”

Zhan Xiaorao looked up from the phone, with a depressed face: “One-sided chat. I sent dozens of text messages. I asked him out to eat dinner, but he won’t reply. This man is so cruel.” She said to herself, “It was so difficult to wait for him to be on vacation, if I miss it I’ll have to wait even longer.”

Jiang Yu asked casually: “Which man did you fall in love with this time, for you to show such warm feelings but met with such cold rebuke?”

Xiao Yixiao: “Doesn’t she always pester them?”

Zhan Xiaorao: “I’m willing.” She added, “If you like them, chase, if you don’t like them, break up. Aren’t you men all like this, why can’t we women do the same?”

“Okay, okay, okay, I didn’t say you couldn’t.”

Xu Qin quietly drank the alcohol in her glass.

Zhan Xiaorao continued to send text messages from time to time. Xu Qin didn’t know what she was sending, whether it was conversational or provocative. She couldn’t guess, so she could only drink one mouthful of alcohol at a time.

When it was almost eleven o’clock, Zhan Xiaorao suddenly screamed and jumped up from the sofa: “He replied to me!”

As she spoke, she took out powder and lipstick from her bag to touch up her makeup: “I won’t hang out with you guys anymore, I’m going on a date.”

Xu Qin watched her paint her lips dark red, like a rose.

Xiao Yixiao became curious: “What kind of guy is it, for you to be so excited.”

“Fireman, my savior. He has a very good figure. I must have him.” Zhan Xiaorao beamed with joy, stuffed the cosmetics back into her bag, and left behind a smug sentence when she got up to leave, “His name sounds very nice, Song, Yan. I’m leaving.”

Xiao Yixiao, Meng Yanchen, and Jiang Yu’s expressions all changed. Xiao Yixiao and Meng Yanchen both glanced at Xu Qin from their respective directions.

Xu Qin’s face remained unchanged, drinking alcohol and eating fruit.

After she finished eating, she wiped her hands with a tissue and got up: “I’m going to wash my hands.”

In the hallway outside the restroom of the bar, a newly-acquainted couple hugged each other and kissed frenziedly. They will get a room tonight, have sex, maybe a one-night stand and continue together the next day, or become strangers.

Xu Qin walked into the restroom, turned on the faucet, squeezed out some hand wash, scrubbed, rinsed; again applied hand wash, scrubbed, rinsed; repeatedly.

Until, a girl who finished fixing her makeup and finished using the bathroom noticed something strange, and asked in a low voice, are you okay? (need “”?) Only then did Xu Qin realize the sharp pain in the palms and backs of her hands. It was said that the hand was connected with the heart, so at this moment the heart must be hurting.

She looked at her own hands, forgetting when she had developed this obsessive-compulsive disorder with cleanliness, and why she chose to be a doctor.

All the memories of the past seemed to be useless.

After washing her face, she calmed her emotions, returned to her friends, and sat with them for another hour.

Looking at the happy crowd surrounding her, she suddenly didn’t know how to return to that empty home tonight, or how to fall asleep tonight, so she simply closed her eyes and drank.

She didn’t have a very high alcohol tolerance. After drinking three glasses of whiskey in a row, she was already dizzy, and said she was sleepy and wanted to go home.

Originally she wanted to take a taxi by herself, but Meng Yanchen and Xiao Yixiao insisted on sending her back, and watched her fall head first onto the bed, falling into a deep sleep.

When heading back downstairs, Xiao Yixiao asked: “Is she using alcohol to drown her sorrows?”

Meng Yanchen was silent for a long time, but said: “To gain courage.”

……

It was a winter night, the moon was bright and clear.

The alley behind Zong Lu Gardens was deserted.

Meng Yanchen sat in the darkness of the car, staring at the back door of the complex. Xiao Yixiao leaned against the passenger seat, uncharacteristically silent.

Sure enough, Xu Qin could be seen in the dim light. Her footsteps were a little wobbly, she left the complex and walked towards Wu Fang Street.

Xiao Yixiao rubbed his forehead vigorously, then turned to look at Meng Yanchen. Meng Yanchen looked at her thin figure in the night, motionless. Xiao Yixiao sighed, got out of the car and followed.

……

Wu Fang Street in the middle of the night was a bit frightening, the street was dark and quiet, and the rows of old-fashioned houses reflected a deep silhouette in the darkness. The tree branches were also bare and ghostly.

Xu Qin’s footsteps were slightly drifting, but she walked quickly through the streets and alleyways, and arrived at the front gate of the Zhai family courtyard. She walked up the steps and knocked on the vermilion lacquered door, which was tightly closed.

She knocked hard twice, and the cold wind made her hands hurt. She knocked and knocked, and suddenly called out:

“Song Yan!”

She seldom yelled. At this moment, her own voice echoed in the night sky, which sounded strange and unreal.

“Song Yan!”

She knocked on the door harder and shouted louder: “Song Yan!”

Someone came to open the door. It was Zhai Miao, wearing a down jacket, shivering from the cold. When she saw Xu Qin, she looked surprised: “What are you doing? Do you know what time it is?”

Xu Qin pushed her away and walked inside, walking around the screen wall and the long corridor into the yard. Uncle and Aunt also came out from the main room with their jackets draped around their shoulders: “It’s the middle of the night, what’s going on?”

Xu Qin went straight to the west wing, knocked on the door, but lowered her voice slightly, calling: “Song Yan,” as if she was afraid of waking up the person inside from his dream.

“Song Yan.” She knocked the door calmly, “Song Yan, it’s Xu Qin.”

Zhai Miao ran over and yelled a little irritably: “My cousin didn’t come back tonight.”

Xu Qin was obviously taken aback for a moment, stood there for two seconds, then pushed the door twice, but couldn’t move it. Then she went to the window and looked in. The curtains were not drawn, and the duvet on the bed was neatly folded.

He went out with another woman and never came back home.

And now it was two o’clock in the morning.

Perhaps……

Standing by the window, Xu Qin suddenly lowered her head and covered her face with her hands.

There was no movement for a long time.

The three people in the courtyard looked at each other for a while. Uncle gestured to Zhai Miao, and Zhai Miao rolled her eyes and walked over: “He’s not here, go home.”

Xu Qin remained silent, covering her face, like a lifeless statue.

Zhai Miao was freezing, and became irritable again. Just when she was about to flare up, she heard Xu Qin say something softly, as if she was talking to herself.

“I feel like I’m going to die,” she said. “There’s no point in living.”

This time, Zhai Miao was shocked awake: “Don’t be like this, what’s the matter? Tell me what happened?”

Xu Qin took her hands away, raised her head, but her face was unusually calm and still, she turned and walked away without answering a single word. Because of the alcohol, her body swayed a little.

Zhai Miao didn’t dare to let her go: “Why don’t you sit for a while—”

Xu Qin ignored her, and was about to go down the stairs to leave when she caught a glimpse of a pair of men’s sneakers sitting on the steps. The shoes were large and clean.

She stopped and stared at the shoes.

Zhai Miao spotted them: “Aiya, my cousin didn’t put his shoes away.” As she said this, she bent down to get the shoes.

Xu Qin’s leg swung out, and a shoe was kicked into the yard.

Xu Qin took a sharp breath, eyes filled with hatred, chased after the shoe, kicked it away forcefully, chased after it and kicked again.

The shoe was kicked and rolled all around the courtyard, and she chased it all over the yard, kicking and chasing after it.

Xiao Yixiao, who rushed over, ran in and grabbed Xu Qin, and apologized to the three family members: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, she’s drunk and acting crazy. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

The three of them were skeptical.

Xiao Yixiao grabbed her waist and dragged her away. Xu Qin didn’t make any noise, just struggled, her eyes stubbornly fixed on the shoe, insisting on kicking it. Xiao Yixiao simply covered her eyes and dragged her out.

Xu Qin grabbed his hand but couldn’t get it off, she was pulled away messily, and stepped on the shoe again in the chaotic struggle. Xu Qin kicked it again, the sneaker rolled further away and stopped at his master’s feet .

Song Yan walked down the corridor and stood still, looking down at the shoe at his feet, moved his eyes up, and looked indifferently at everyone in the courtyard.

Aunt nudged Uncle and pulled him into the house.

Xu Qin broke away from Xiao Yixiao and looked at Song Yan provokingly.

Song Yan walked down the yard, passing her by without saying a word.

Xu Qin: “You stop right there.”

Song Yan stopped.

Xu Qin turned around: “Where did you go tonight?”

Song Yan’s lips were tightly pressed together, he was already full of anger. He was willing to go out to meet Zhan Xiaorao because he wanted to warn her in person not to harass him any further, but unexpectedly learned that his phone number was shared by Xu Qin. Hell, what on earth did she take him for?

Nevermind, it was good to come back, he could witness her throwing a tantrum again. Where did she get the confidence to go to his house in the middle of the night and make trouble?

Song Yan put his hands in his jacket pockets and looked back at her: “I went out with a woman, you know her, what’s her name, um—” He lowered his head, pointed his finger towards his forehead and thought for a while, “Surname Zhan, called, Xiaorao?”

Xu Qin was so provoked by his tone that the hatred in her eyes lit up, and she suddenly rushed up and pushed him hard.

Song Yan took two or three steps back, stood still and looked at her, his face suddenly changed, his eyes filled with sarcasm and contempt: “Xu Qin, you’re being a little childish. What fucking right do you have to fight with me here?”

Xu Qin’s chest rose and fell, her whole body trembled, and she stared at him fiercely, but couldn’t force out a word. She couldn’t speak, she obviously had a lot to say, but she couldn’t speak.

She also wanted to have eyes that talked like Zhan Xiaorao’s, so that people could see the happiness and sadness in them at a glance, but she just didn’t have them.

Her eyes were always as silent and oppressive as her person, driving even herself crazy.

Xiao Yixiao’s face was ashen, and he couldn’t help but pull Xu Qin: “Let’s go. —What do you have to say to this kind of person? It’s also important whether or not he is worthy of you.”

Song Yan gave him a cold look, then turned to Xu Qin, his eyes were as cold as ice.

Xu Qin refused to leave, and violently pushed Xiao Yixiao away. She raised her chin, looked straight at Song Yan, and said:

“Right. You don’t deserve me, you just don’t deserve me.”

Song Yan looked at her silently for a while, and finally smiled, turning around and walking towards his room as if he just didn’t care anymore.

Xu Qin felt so distressed that she was about to shatter.

“Because—” She stood in the wind and frost in the middle of the night, looking at his retreating figure, with a bleak smile on the corner of her mouth, “I like you more than you like me.”

Song Yan’s footsteps stopped suddenly, and he couldn’t believe it for a moment.

“I’m not sociable, I don’t like to make friends, finance, law, management, many careers are not suitable for me. Only a doctor, just needs to learn the profession well. And I will never be unemployed and can support myself.” Xu Qin’s tears slowly filled her eyes, her heartache was so painful that she couldn’t breathe. She took a trembling breath and looked up at the sky, her drunken body swayed and then stood still,

“I came back to China, changed my last name, and moved out. I was planning, bit by bit, to stop using things provided by my family. I was thinking, how can I keep my parents from being angry or objecting? To keep them from denying me as their daughter? If I work hard, quickly get promoted to become a first-class, famous surgeon, can they feel a little proud of me, so that they can let me indulge in other aspects?”

She finished all this softly and disjointedly, and stopped.

Song Yan turned around and saw in the silence of the night, tears streaming down her pale cheeks.

She looked at him through the mist of tears, with deep resentment appearing in her eyes again,

“But what about you? What have you done? —Song Yan, let me ask you, what have you done in order to like me?! —Yes, I kept wanting to get closer, but kept hesitating. I kept repeating, I’m greedy and calculating, I’m hesitant and weak, I can’t see any hope, I’m afraid, that’s because—” She opened her mouth to say something, tears rolling down first, she forced herself to grit her teeth, and finally lowered her voice, one word at a time, tearing open her most difficult wound, “You never made even the slightest effort for the two of us to be together. Never.”

There was a bitterness in Song Yan’s throat, and his face almost twitched violently.

“Xu Qin, I—” The pain in his throat was unstoppable, like a heavy stone was weighing down on it. What can he say, at this point, what else can he say now.

Failure was an excuse, to cut a sorry figure was reality.

Everything he had done, to say it now, would just be a joke and ironic.

Tell the woman he loves about his sad and incompetent past, so as to beg her for forgiveness?

Or, tell her that it was her most trusted and inseparable family member who pushed him to this point?

He hadn’t fallen to that level yet.

After all this, he could only choose to remain silent.

She waited, expectations turning to disappointment: “I’m right, aren’t I? —Say it, aren’t I?”

Song Yan stared at her, speechless. There was nothing worse than this in life. There were thousands of words in his chest, but he couldn’t say a single one.

Xu Qin stared blankly at him, as if she had gotten confirmation, and immediately burst into tears: “You don’t like me, right? Do you not like me? —You don’t like me at all, otherwise you wouldn’t have done nothing. You never even thought about being close to me!”

The tears couldn’t be controlled anymore, they flowed like crazy, she whimpered, wept, complained,

“You will just stand there, waiting for me to find you. Even if you see me fall, you will not come to give me a hand.”

“A person like you, why should I?! Why should I go to where you are?! Yes, I am selfish, and I am also selfish to the person I like. I just want to see that you have sacrificed for me before I will go to you. Otherwise what am I supposed to do? If I lose everything, but you’re just standing in place, what should I do? I’m not pure, I’m the one arguing, I’m the one who wants you to sacrifice as well, who wants you to walk just one step in my direction. But why won’t you come?”

Song Yan’s eyes were wet, he instinctively took a step forward, and couldn’t help but pull her towards him.

She immediately grabbed his arm, kicking and punching, “Why aren’t you willing to take a step forward? —Your affection, I can’t see it at all. I’m telling you, I won’t go towards you again, I won’t!”

Xiao Yixiao couldn’t bear to watch it any longer, stepped forward to hug Xu Qin hard, and forced her to be pulled away: “Let’s go home!”

Xu Qin couldn’t break free this time, and finally burst into tears: “Song Yan, why won’t you come towards me?! I’m here, why won’t you come?! Is it that you don’t like me that much? If you don’t like me that much, why did you say those things, why did you say you love me more than your life? I took it seriously! I took it seriously!—”

The girl’s heart-piercing screams quickly disappeared into the wind. Xiao Yixiao had already dragged her out.

The yard was suddenly quiet, but there was the faint sound of a girl crying in the distance.

Zhai Miao was stunned in place, with tears all over her face: “That’s not the case.” She rushed out of the front gate.

“Zhai Miao!”

With a sudden roar, Zhai Miao was terrified and stopped in place.

She heard the pain and despair in that sound with clarity.

Zhai Miao turned her head slowly, suddenly she seemed to see a stranger, it was not Song Yan. Not her cousin Song Yan.

That man seemed to have changed the moment Xu Qin left, his soul had left his body.

Zhai Miao had never seen Song Yan like this before. His head was drooping, his shoulders were slumped, and his back was bent, as if there was an acute, twisted pain coming from inside his body.

He seemed to be unable to bear it anymore, the pain made him crouch down slowly, holding his head tightly, unable to make a single sound.