It wasn't long ago when I'd met my best, and only, friend on the bus. It was magical and, although I had been very standoffish, Ji-ho wasn't the type to give up on people so quickly.
Since that day, we would spend every day on the bus together and I would purposely avoid taking my broken-down car to school, even after it was fixed. Ji-ho was an incredible friend. He was kind, caring, compassionate; everything you'd wish to see in a person.
But, four months later, and I started seeing him as more than a friend. He was stunning. A handsome man with a kind heart, I would've loved to have met him under different circumstancesâ ones in which we were older and could fall in love. He'd invited me to his family's ski trip and I had bugged out and left. I thought I could stay mad at him, but my demeanor didn't last long. Because a month later, he was at my door after a week of trying to talk to me at school. And I forgave him.
And I had kissed him so passionately, I thought that, for once, I deserved those nice feelings. For once, I didn't feel uncomfortable in my own skin, especially not around him. For once, I wasn't completely alone.
It had been a lonely year and a half in McAlester, Oklahoma. I'd moved there from a neighboring town a couple hours away. And, in hopes of being able to move back to my old town and see my old friends, I didn't bother to try to make new friends in McAlester.
From the first day there, I had ridden off every interaction and every person, assuming they were all evil and hateful beings. I'd believed that they al hated me and wanted the worst for me, especially based on the rude way they had treated me and the fact that they'd all grown up together. It quickly took down my demeanor and made me absolutely miserable. I was surrounded by jerks and all I could do was eat my feelings.
So I did, I ate enough to take my healthy BMI up a few numbers and into the category of obese. I hadn't even noticed the changes my body had grown too. And while I had mainly kept to myself at Parley High School, my classmates didn't offer me the same luxury. It seemed that the larger I'd become, the nicer I had to be in order to avoid people making jokes about me. But regardless, a year later, the nickname fat Phoebe had emerged and it only hurt my mental health more. I was no longer eating to live, I was living to eat.
I didn't like being called fat Phoebe. In fact, I hated the nickname because it seemed like the only thing that was relevant about me was my weight. I was so much more than my size, yet people only looked with their eyes and nobody was willing to dig deeper to see my heart and my soul. I was miserable and alone in every aspect of the word. I had no friends and hardly spoke to my parents. I joined no clubs and my grades were absolute garbage. I felt worthless and lacking any sort of control over my life.
And then, a year later, I met someone who was able to change my perspective on life. A person who, despite everything he had been through, still remained humble and kind. He'd come into my life at the time that I had needed someone the most. I didn't ask for it or request it, but I knew that God worked in mysterious ways and perhaps Ji-ho was in response to the suffering I would be thrusting myself into.
My mouth was parched as I opened my eyes and all the surrounding lights slashed at them. I heard the steady beeps of a machine that seemed to match that of a heart.
"Phoebe, you're awake!" The surprised eyes of a familiar man that I could have only envisioned in my dreams appeared before me, I wondered why his beautiful eyes had been crying.
"Ji-ho." I tried to say, but the words were caught in my throat and unwilling to leave. I looked like a frog trying to croak, but being unable to.
"Good Morning Phoebe, it's nice to see you're finally awake." A tall woman in a white coat approached me with a smile on her face. "I'm Dr. Aurelia and..." she continued to talk but I was no longer listening.
Morning? I was just at school... it was around noon. How could it be morning already?! I looked around, my eyes attempting to adjust.
"Can you tell me your full name?" The doctor asked and I nodded. "Okay," she said, very stoic, "what's your name?"
"Phoebe Masters." I tried to say, but my lips only moved and no sound came out. I moved a hand up to my throat.
"Don't worry, your voice should return soon. You suffered from a very minor cerebral aneurysm. You got lucky that your friend brought you here in time, otherwise, it maybe have ruptured. Your blood pressure and heart rate were also very low.
We think it might be due to your current size. Your friend here has filled us in on a couple things. Phoebe, you've lost almost one-hundred pounds in the last five months. That's an extremely fast rate to be losing weight, we checked the most recent report that Dr. Godwin had uploaded from your pediatrics profile last year and the last time they'd weighed you, you were..." she began to say but I panicked and flailed my now-mobile arms, my eyes on Ji-ho. He shut his eyes, sighed, and looked down.
"I'll wait outside." He said. I nodded as the doctor noticed my discomfort (finally) and waited for him to leave.
"Apologies," she nodded, "as I was saying..."
"A stroke?" I asked her, my voice slowly figuring itself out as words finally came to me. It was softer than I had remembered, but than again, I didn't know how long it had been out of commission.
"No, it wasn't a stroke, the difference between an aneurysm is that a stroke is when the artery in your brain bursts. An aneurism is when the artery becomes weakened and clogged. Imagine a pipe becoming really stuffed with water, but not quite bursting. That's an aneurysm. Lucky for you, yours was caught early on, most patients don't survive that type of brain injury. Especially not when it's brought on by blood-clots because of anorexia. Anyway, can you tell me if you felt dizzy or had a headache before fainting? Or anything that you can recall?"
"I had a headache for a while and I was vomiting more often. I was feeling dizzy. I don't remember what happened afterwards."
"You fainted, it's actually quite common in anorexia patients." She said. I wondered what had happened to bed-side manner; this woman was just blurting things out without a second thought.
"I don't have anorexia." I responded as she shook her head and sat down.
"Ms. Masters, you've lost almost one-hundred pounds in less than five months. As I was saying, this is an extremely quick rate to lose weight, way too fast. And only one we view in our anorexic patients. I do want to confirm my theory of your diagnosis, but for now I'll be prescribing you some SSRIs and sending you to a therapist so they can ensure that your health is taken care of. As I always say, if what's inside is hurt, then the outside will also be hurt. Actually, no wait, I always say that the only way to treat patients is from the inside out." She was a ball of spunk as she spoke extremely quickly, giving me too much information at once and I was unable to keep up. I shut my eyes, wondering if she was supposed to tell me what was wrong with me before confirming with her colleagues.
She would be giving me a second aneurysm if she kept talking this much.
"What's an SSRI?" I asked, cutting her off and hoping she'd stop talking. It only served to remind me of when Ji-ho had kissed me because I had called him hot in the middle of my rant.
"Selective Serotonin reputable inhibitor is what it stands for. It's usually prescribed as an antidepressant, because it is common for anorexia patients to begin struggling with mental health issues. I'm sure you noticed this in the past few weeks, but your speech may have been drawled or non-existent, you may have noticed becoming more forgetful, or having difficulties focusing and learning. It's very common. Anyway, I will send the brand to the pharmacy and blah blah blah..." she continued talking. I was desperate for her to shut her mouth.
"I don't have depression." I said, cutting her off.
"Typically, there may be underlying mental health issues that we need to deal with to get to the core of your physical ailment. Anyway, I'll come back in a few hours. If you need anything, call for the nurse. Do you have any questions for me?" She asked, sounding rushed in her tone.
"Nope." I lied. What I really wanted to ask was if she could repeat everything she'd just said because it had all flown over my head.
"Okay. I'll be back later today to check in with you again." Dr. Aurelia announced, halfway through the door before she turned around, "Before I forget, I would like to send your blood samples to lab in order to measure the level of creatinine and other compounds, it seemed like you've created a myriad of problems for yourself, and that's why I am here. To help you treat them. Your blood pressure was really low which is probably another reason why you fainted, but I think I mentioned that already." She added. Without waiting for my response, she swiftly bolted from the room as if she was the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.
Moments later, I was met with a handsome six-foot man standing at the foot of my bed.
"I'm so glad you're alive." Ji-ho said, looking directly at me. I didn't know what to say. "Your parents were here yesterday."
"How long have I been here?"
"Two days," Ji-ho walked over to the side of my bed and sat, "they were crying. Both of them, they kept saying that they did this to you. They didn't know you stopped eating." It broke my heart to hear that. I didn't want to hurt others for something that I wanted. Ji-ho looked tired, staring at me with a familiar disappointment.
"She's giving me antidepressants." I said.
Ji-ho only nodded. I wondered if he had ever noticed a shift in my behavior. I hadn't ever noticed any shifts in my behavior. I always assumed I was the same, but slowly I recalled Ji-ho asking me a while ago about where the bright girl he'd initially met had gone. Surely, I hadn't changed that much.
A soft rapping at the door startled me, I looked up to meet the eyes of my mother. She was bawling her eyes out, tears streaming as though there was no tomorrow. It seemed like she'd never stop crying.
"I... can't believe I did this to my baby! My baby! You don't deserve to be hurt like this!" She bawled through a series of gasps, nose wipes, and sobs. Her words were barely comprehensible. I couldn't bring myself to reach over and hug her. I had quickly begun blaming everyone around me for my suffering and my mother was a top receiver of the blame.
"And... and you lost all that weight and I thought you were just taking care of yourself. But no," she sobbed loudly, "you were starving your body of every nutrient and destroying everything about yourself. You were slowly killing yourself and you didn't even notice." She continued as my father walked in moments later. He nodded in Ji-ho's direction, as if he were saying a telepathic 'thank you.'
"Why!?" I heard myself say, but it was overshadowing by my mothers loud sobs. She clung onto my hand for dear life as she continued to cry and stare at me, regretting her life decisions and proclaiming this regret out loud.
"I'm taking away your car." That was the first thing my dad said to me. He didn't say hello or even acknowledge that I was lying on a hospital bed, "you can have your friend Ji-ho drive you around or you can take the bus. The doctor said you're mentally and physically unstable. She doesn't know if you'll be able to walk for a few weeks and you'll need to go to rehab for both your physical health and we already applied for a therapist. You'll be in group therapy and individual therapy. I want you to get better." My father said. His face looked like a stone cold statue as he spoke, this was a tendency he maintained when he was upset or angry. At this moment, I couldn't tell which of the two emotions he was trying to hide.
"I..." I began, unable to find my voice again. I was just shocked that they were here. My mother wrapped her arms around me, crying and praying as I sat there motionless. I looked over at Ji-ho who looked like he hadn't slept in days.
That was because of me, I realized. I'd been the reason the three of them were so stressed out and at the hospital. "I'm sorry." I heard myself say, shocked at my words as I looked into my mothers eyes and I started crying too.