Droplets of water swam around my feet as I stood in the bathtub of my house. I looked at the disgusting clumps of hair that fell at my feet and cried as the brown stringy strands fell down the drain.
My hair. I know I often say that I don't like my hair because it's frizzy and so on, but that doesn't mean I want to lose it. I was crying loudly as I rinsed out the shampoo, watching even more strands fall out and wondering if I would be bald by the end of my shower.
But, my hair-loss wasn't the only reason I was crying. It was the fact that tonight was the first Friday since we'd gotten back to school after winter break and I had been avoiding Ji-ho all week. I was angry at him ever since the ski-trip four weeks ago where he threatened not to drive me home if I didn't drink the soup. I felt so guilty after drinking it and it made me so angry that he was controlling my actions.
I wanted to be in control. I didn't need a 'friend' acting like they were a parent. I massaged the conditioner into my thinning hair as remnants of our conversation from this morning replayed in my mind.
I'd told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore and tried to run away. But he wrapped his long fingers around my upper arm and I started crying because I was so self-conscious about my arms and the fat he would feel when he grabbed them.
"Stop running!" Ji-ho had said as he chased me down the empty after-school hallway, "Phoebe! I'm sorry! Okay! I didn't know it would affect you that much. But I don't want to end our entire friendship over this!" He'd said after grabbing ahold of me. He was panting and I was lightheaded.
"You're not my friend." I said, staring right into his eyes, "you never were."
In that moment, his grip had loosened as shock replaced the concern and it overcame his features. I took the opportunity to pull away and run off again. I couldn't comprehend why he was trying so hard to stay friends when not more than 5 months ago, we had been strangers.
I let out a deep breath as I tied my hair up and started my five-minute timer to let the conditioner soak into my hair. I felt weak and tired all the time, but at least, I'd finally gotten down to 130 pounds, which is about 58 kg. I began to notice my hip bones, for one, appearing through the skin and I was so excited that my fat was slowly dissipating.
But, for some reason, I couldn't look down at my body for more than two seconds. The sight repulsed me; my thighs were giant and if I didn't suck in my stomach, I still looked the same.
My head was spinning. I prayed that Ji-ho didn't hate me now. I had to do what was best for my own self-preservation. I didn't need nosey friends like him getting in the way of my goals and almost destroying all my accomplishments... with a bowl of soup. You can't help somebody that doesn't want to be helped, it only became a wall, much like the pillow-wall we'd formed at the ski-resort, between us.
I thought back to the night before he'd driven me home; Ji-ho had been so concerned that he'd hardly slept that night either and was very groggy in the morning.
"You only like hanging out with me because I've lost weight!" I'd told him in the dead of night. I'd only brought it up because around midnight, I had realized that he had never spent time with me outside of school or even at lunch before I'd lost the weight.
"You really think I'm that superficial?" He whispered back, hurt in the eyes that I could hardly see in the dim lighting of the room. It was like he was trying to say when have I ever commented about your body?! "I like you for who you are." Ji-ho responded, turning his head to face me as the shadow under his chin made his jawline more prominent. It was the first time anybody had ever said something like that to me and I was in shock.
Eventually he had fallen asleep, but I'd laid awake, thinking of his words. I like you for who you are. He'd said. I'd looked over at the soup and contemplated drinking a little bit to make him happy. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
"Jeez, I'm such an idiot." I said to myself, listening to the water pour from the shower head and sting every spot it could touch. I wondered if I had depression. I'd had a friend at my old school tell me that before she was diagnosed with depression, she would cry in a hot shower because the heat was meant to feel like a replacement hug.
I took a deep breath as my timer finally went off and I rinsed the conditioner out, watching more clumps of hair fall out.
"Phoebe! Your friend from the ski trip is here!" I heard mom shout from outside the shower. I realized, in that moment, that she had let him in. I hadn't actually spoken to Ji-ho, at least aside from this afternoon at school, since the ski-trip four weeks ago.
I wondered if his family hated me now for ruining their trip and wasting their time. I'd made Ji-ho drive me home on the first actual day, when the skiing would commence, and he had to waste more gas driving himself back.
"Tell him to leave!" I shouted back at mom from the bathroom, grabbing my towel and drying myself off. I got no response so I quickly ran out of the bathroom and rushed into my room.
"Phoebe." Ji-ho was sitting on my bed as I screamed, accidentally dropping my towel as he quickly turned to look away. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I didn't see anything." He said.
I was angry at my mother. The woman wouldn't let me get out of the house, but she'd let a boy into my room, unchaperoned. I'd definitively give her a piece of my mind later.
"Why are you here?!" I growled, quickly covering up my lady-bits and holding the towel close to my chest. I was embarrassed that he'd seen my fat arms shake and think I was a whale. "And in my room!?"
"I'm sorry, I can wait outside so you can get dressed." He said. I pursed my lips, then frowned.
"You can leave." I responded, "I already told you Kyle, I don't want to be friends with you anymore."
If he was at all hurt that I'd used the name that Jamison called him, he didn't show it. Instead, he stood up and walked toward me.
"The door is that way," I stuttered, tightening my grip on my towel as he approached.
"What can I do..." he asked, placing my wet hair behind my ear. I bit my lip, my heart was suddenly racing and I had a stammer in my step, "to get you to forgive me? Phoebes, you were my first friend here. You were so kind and helpful... and you're so down to earth. I am really sorry. I made you feel uncomfortable and forced you to drink that soup, so I'm sorry. I really am. I understand what you're going through and I wanted to help. But now... I understand. You don't want help. You need a friend and I want to be there to support you. So please, tell me what I can do."
I wanted to tell him that I wanted time and space, but his proximity made my thoughts and judgements become cloudy. I felt the tears reforming in my eyes; I didn't deserve his kindness or thoughtfulness. I didn't deserve anything from the likes of a man that looked like him. He was out-of-my-league in every aspect of the phrase. I knew the only way to get him to go away for good was to hurt him. Hurt him harder than I'd done before. Because previously, I hadn't done enough.
"Why do you care so much?!" I managed to say before taking a step back and looking at his devilishly handsome face. It suddenly made sense as I bumped against my bookshelf, knocking down a few of my books with my heavy-set footing.
When he didn't respond, I knew that my thought process was right.
"Ji-ho," I said, "do you... like? me?" I whispered, the word was airy and difficult for me to swallow. I'd never had anyone like me in this town. The only time men had swarmed around me was when I'd been at my old school-- back when I had been thin and beautiful.
Ji-ho placed his hand on my shoulder as I shuddered and pulled away.
"You do, don't you?" I heard myself say, "that's the only reason you'd care this much. Everyone else would've given up on me a long time ago. Well, listen here Kyle, I didn't ask for your friendship or your affection or your attention. And I most-definitely didn't ask you to show up at my house and act all sweet and care about me! Because it's not fair that you get to be so hot and walk around looking like a male model all the time," his eyebrows shot up, "while I'm stuck in my head wishing I could look like someone that would be deserving of you!" I didn't even know what I was saying anymore.
He stood in front of me with a slightly-amused look on his face. The proximity was making my heart race and I was anxious and slightly irritable. But, he still didn't say anything and that's what frustrated me the most.
"Then, you show up at my house and act like you're supposed to be my savior of something! You're not! Okay, you're just a guy I met a few months ago and I don't need anybody's help because I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. And I don't need a guy that looks like you. A guy that could literally have any other girl in the world if he asked, showing up at my place to--"
He closed the distance between us in that instant as he placed his mouth on mine. His lips were soft and hesitant. I didn't know how to react. My heart was racing so quickly and my eyes had widened.
He pulled back, "I had to shut you up somehow," he said, his voice as shaky as my knees currently were. I was dumbstruck, looking at his clear, soft skin up-close made me anxious.
"You kissed me!" I exclaimed, sliding away from him as the blush crept to my cheeks.
"You called me hot." He responded, sitting on my bed.
"That doesn't mean you kiss me!"
"I'm sorry." He responded, not looking the least bit apologetic. "What would the problem be if I were to hypothetically say I like you, Phoebe?" He tilted his head, momentarily mimicking a gesture that only the Great Duke of Hastings from Bridgerton.
"You like me?" My voice sounded breathy and quiet to my own ears. He'd surprised me, his actions were unpredictable. I walked over to him, my heart pounding as I kept replaying our kiss in my mind. I stood in front of him, standing a little taller than him while he sat on my bed.
"I do." Ji-ho admitted. It all made sense now. He'd thought his little hero-act would be what won me over. Even though, I had no issues.
"And what would happen if I said I didn't like you back? Would you stop being my friend?" I asked as a smirk flashed on his face and quickly returned to his normal smile.
"I thought we already weren't friends." He responded, but I didn't laugh, "no, I'm not expecting anything from you. Coming here today, I had no intention of telling you about my feelings, much less expecting you to return them. If you don't like me back, that's fine. I can't force feelings."
"Just like you can't force soup down someone's throat?"
"I already said sorry." He seemed perplexed as I took another step forward and stood directly in front of him. "I'm really, really sorry that I made you feel that way." His eyes looked downcast.
"And what would happen if I said I do like you back?" I asked as he looked back up, staring into my eyes.
"Then I'd have to wait outside for you to get dressed because that towel is taking a toll on my self-control." He wasn't kidding. I hadn't noticed it a moment ago, but now, I could see the restraint in his eyes.
"Oh, this little thing?" I teased, turning around to tighten and wrap the towel around me. I turned back around and kissed him this time as we fell back onto my bed. My heart was pounding and stammering as my stomach lurched. I felt happy that someone cared about me. That someone cherished my existence.
A soft knock sounded on my door and I quickly pulled back and ran to the closet.
"Phoebe, dinner is ready. Invite Jy-oh to stay if he's still in there." Mom said. This time, my heart was pounding for a completely different reason and my cheeks were downright flushed.
But I was a very, very happy girl that day.
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