"What do mean you betrayed me? I don't understand, Alice."
The crease formed between my brows deepened as I stared at her. Despite the reveal of my past life, I felt a strange calm settle over me, with the chirping of the crickets accentuating the tranquil atmosphere.
"That I knew about Nicholas' marriage." Alice continued, sounding a little flustered and panicked. More than ever, a thousand questions surged through my head, probably because I was more familiar with this life than those lifetimes that occurred way before.
"Wait, how did this work? How could you be my sister if you're already looking in your twenties?" I blurted.
"I'm not Agnes." She responded, causing more questions to pop in my head. "The real Agnes is dead. In fact, she has been sick and away from others for a long time; neglected by your grandfather. So, as she was about to pass, I simply altered the memories of everyone she had been in contact with."
I was currently thrust into a more dumbfounded state than before, knowing that the expression I held would take a whole lot more explanation before it could be cleared.
"It wasn't that hard; it was just you, your grandfather, and a helper. You were just fourteen back then. But what I didn't expect was your grandfather to sell me off to some old geezer. But I relented, not because I wanted to keep the house afloat, but because I wanted you to live in comfort...whatever the cost I had to pay, it was worth it."
She said, biting her lip while she rubbed her hands against her arms. My eyes dipped low while I recalled the bruises that were prominently imprinted on her arms.
"I'm so sorry..." My voice broke as I stretched out my hand to place it over her shoulders. I felt horrible at the thought of her abuse; night and day, just because of me. I felt useless at not being sharp enough to notice the changes in the way she acted.
"I should have stepped in the moment I saw those bruises."
"No. You couldn't." She replied, a little too strongly and adamantly. "The past cannot the altered no matter what you do."
"But I thought I did go back to the past? What about all the stuff I did?" I corrected, getting increasingly baffled and confused from it all.
"In a way, you did, but on the other hand, you didn't as well. It's complicated." She cocked her head from side to side while facing her palms upwards.
"Try me."
"Okay. Your consciousness did go back in time. So, you were able to say and do things that are out of your own character. But, there are other instances where you couldn't. Like most of your actions, those are already fixed."
"Huh?" I stared dumbfounded at her, still confused about the whole thing.
"Think of it as a movie, where you are watching the activities of when you were a kid. The things that you did as a child remain, like the conversations that you would have with a specific individual, your activities; all these are unchanged. Except that you, that went back in time, also possess a free will to act or speak in any way you please."
"So, you're saying that I'm both reliving my past while acting out of my own volition?"
"Yes."
"But what about the times when I had a slip up about anything from this time?" I asked, remembering that I did reveal something about a pinky promise to Nicholas.
"That doesn't exist. It'll only exist in your version of that time, not in Nicholas' memories."
"I see," I answered, the difficulty in wrapping my head around this issue remains.
"Does he know?" I asked.
"Yes." She replied, placing a hand over my forehead. "He knew it the moment you met him, when you bumped into him while you were on the way to work."
"While I was on the way to work?" I thought, feeling a sudden rush of memories infiltrate into my mind.
"I see that you're still the same."
"How?" I was growing increasingly baffled as to how Alice would know. But all she returned was a smile. "How did he know it was me?"
"All he needed was a touch from you to have his memory triggering back to him. However, in exchange for that, I needed something more. His life."
"How does that work?"
"Just as how that curse worked on you, I did mine in a more subtle way; one that did not have extreme backlashes to the user. And because I wasn't ready to leave you just yet, I was simply living on borrowed time. His time."
"C-can you do that?" I felt my brows raise as I stared incredulously at her.
"I have lived long enough to discover things that my people are capable of doing. And to be honest, I am not sure why. But it's just that we can." She nodded knowingly. "That's the best answer I can give to you right now."
Still not fully satisfied with that answer, I pursed my lips and dipped my head, forcing myself to somehow accept the unacceptable.
"But if you knew, why would you push me to him?" I blurted; something that I had been dying to ask since the big reveal. "Why would you let him tutor me despite you knowing that he would hurt me?"
Alice grew silent as I saw her figure shake subtly at my question.
"The truth is before I became 'Agnes', I came to know about the history between the families of Dolittle, Clayton, and Wellesley. But still, I thought that if you two lived together, things would turn out to be what I wanted. I held a chance that Nicholas would perhaps, call off his marriage. And even if he didn't, his betrayal wouldn't be as significant for you to seek death."
Alice's voice wavered as she clutched the fabric on her knees.
"I was so sick of seeing you die. Every lifetime ends in bloodshed. And I thought that perhaps, in this life, with nobody out to seek your death, things would be different. But, it turns out that it only served as a spark, and the one that fuelled the fire was your grandfather, Fredricks, and I."
"Out of all the pasts you had, there was never one that you took your life." Alice's head drooped low, slouching while she rested her forehead against her palms. The first few droplets soon turned into an endless stream, dampening her skirt.
"Every night, I'm haunted by the vision of your cold and wet body. Yet, you looked at peace, as if dying was a better choice than living. I was too late to stop you. I'm sorry, Av...I didn't know that my actions would contribute to your death."
"I'm sorry..."
"I'm sorry..." She repeated while weeping, her shoulders shuddering as she wrestled with the guilt from within.
To think that she has been plagued with these thoughts for over a hundred years; the guilt that ate her alive was one that would have plunged me into insanity.
Time and time again, I ran my fingers through her hair to calm the silent war in her mind. Deep down, I knew that there was nothing that I could not forgive.
"Why?" I asked, prompting her to look at me while I caught her red and swollen eyes.
"What do you mean why?" She sniffled while rubbing the dampness from her cheeks.
"Why would you go such lengths for me?" I questioned, before a moment of silence descended.
"Because you gave me a home when I had none." She responded, with a look of determination in her eyes. "And ever since that moment in that forest, when you held me up, I decided that for the rest of my life, I would follow you. And just like what you did for me, I vowed that no matter how long it takes, I will find you and look after you; to find a way to break the curse."
Her answer left me speechless. Truly, the dedication and affection she held for me were far greater than what I had ever imagined; let alone the centuries of solitude that she must have endured, to suffer silently through the abuse that she had to undertake while she was Agnes.
It must have been a torment.
"I'm sorry that you had to endure the pain all by yourself." My sight turned blurry as the weight of Alice's sacrifice placed a significant hold over me, locking all emotions of mine into a box of despair.
"I wasn't always alone." She added, with a sad smile hanging from her lips as she retrieved a ring from her pocket; an old and vintage one that looked a little rusty along the band.
"As I searched for your existence, it came to pass that love found me instead. He showed me what it was like to be loved and to be in love. He became the cool to my summer and warmth in the winter. And then, I finally understood the beauty of it all; the desire to be with someone for the rest of your life, that you would sacrifice anything to share every second with him. Soon, as I was to him, he too, became my everything."
Her expression turned sour as she gripped the ring between her fingers, the agony poured out as she kissed the memento from her lover.
"I was about to marry him. But then, I found you again. I was torn, Ava. I was pulled apart between choosing you and him..."
She stifled a cry as her body quaked in guilt. "But I knew that I had to make a choice, not just for your sake, but for him as well. So, I left him. Like you, he must have been broken to be abandoned without ever knowing the reason why. He must have hated me."
And there she was, a girl whom I had always thought was all sunshine and roses, was now before me, having her defenses crumbling down as she spiraled lower and deeper into misery.
"You know, I finally understood how Noam, Nicholas, Nathan, whoever he is right now; I understood how he felt. If anything, I can tell that he really loves you. Through all my years of observation, truly, I can attest to the fact that you have always been the one for him." She added while displaying a soft smile, one that scrunched and shriveled the confusion that I held for so many years.
The silence was deafening, as we sat side by side, taking in the comfiness of the mattress while allowing the truth to come to light; an irony as the shadows of the night cast its snare over the room.
"I forgive you." I blurted, prompting her head to shoot up towards me, a look of surprise that quickly melted into relief; the bliss that conspicuously engulf her. "You have been with me through every second of my life. And I would be an ingrate if I didn't forgive you. After all, how could I overlook the care that you've given me over the past centuries just for a single mistake?"
"Besides, I wouldn't count it as a mistake. You'd only wanted the best for me." And it was true, there was nothing that I could not forgive, not after what she had gone through.
Cupping her cheeks, I then pulled her into a crushing hug, the only action that seemed perfectly ideal for a moment like this, where the use of words seemed to dull in comparison to this comfort that we sook from each other.
Now, everything seems to make sense. My life and past, it was all crystal clear, as if the pieces of puzzles that were once in disarray had been melded together to unveil the final portrait; a portrait that had been preserved and safeguarded by none other than Alice.
As we pulled apart, the joy that was beaming from her face instilled a deplorable sensation that somehow, what was about to happen next, would leave me lamenting.
"That's good, that's good...'Alice mumbled, peering downwards to my hands that had been placed over hers. "And now, I can finally rest."
I cocked my head to the side as I couldn't suppress the detestable feeling that was welling up from within.
"Do you remember when I told you that we each have our unique gifts? There is a catch to using them, Ava. As I said, there is a limit to what we can do; we are never to use them in instances that tampered with natural laws. The woman from before, the one who cursed you, broke hers by harming a life. And as for me, I used mine to relive your past, both to you and Nathan, a memory that humans are not allowed to possess. And now, it's finally time for me to pay the price."
"Y-you're scaring me, Al." Her words frightened me. Yet, deep down, I knew what was about to happen. I just don't know if I have what it takes to grapple with it.
"I'm so tired, Ava." Alice sighed, her breathing growing increasingly laborious and slow as she leaned her chin against my shoulder. "But, for the first time in over six hundred years, I am finally at peace."
"No, no, no. Please..." I cried, feeling her body grow weaker by the minute.
"My time is up, Ava."
My heart raced in anxiousness, unwilling to accept that this was really happening. I was not ready to lose another loved one. Not now.
Yet, if I were Alice, I would have wanted my best friend to celebrate the life I have lived, purely for the sake that I could go in peace.
"Y-you have done enough, Al." I croaked, forcing the words to be spoken forth.
"It has been a blessing to be your friend." Though weak, I could feel her smile, a genuine and peaceful one. "I'll see you soon..."
Her breath slowed; the rising and falling of her chest soon drew to a halt until the soft wind that had been brushing against my ear could no longer be felt. The arms that were around my waist, gave way, falling by my side; the weight of her head on my shoulders pushed down on me. And the strength in her fingers nulled as I heard a soft clang. Her ring.
The first few drops warmed my cheeks before a continuous stream came flowing down. With my hand clasped over my mouth, I held back the noise that accumulated from all the emotions, one that threatened to burst as I wept in silence, gasping for air every now and then. The ache in my chest became unbearable, where the throbbing agony tempted me to rip out my heart.
As time began to pass, the heat from her body drained away until the warmth was no more; my sobs reduced to sniffles. Though I was not ready to let Alice go, I knew that what she did would be for naught if I remained here.
Reluctantly, I pushed her away from me and laid her down on my bed, ensuring that her head was comfortably settled on my pillows before kneeling beside her.
I took in her calm and tranquil state, one that was unfamiliar. After all, she was always a ball of energy. But now...
I breathed out a laugh.
At least, she did not lose her smile.
Her lips tugged upwards as if she was dreaming a pleasant dream, a place that was out of reach for me.
Gingerly picked up the ring from the floor and took her left hand in mine before slipping it into her ring finger.
"Rest well." I whispered, placing a kiss on her forehead as I bade farewell to my best friend; my guardian angel.
.
.
.
"For I pray that in the next life, I may have the honor to be the one protecting you."