"Honey are you okay?" The worry in her voice was clear and conspicuous. Truth be told, ever since that encounter with Mr. Crosby, my mind has been swarming with memories of Nicholas and me.
"Mom. What would you do if you saw grandpa again?"
With Dad working the hours, it was just mom and I tonight.
"I don't understand what you're saying." My mom, who had now stopped eating, gave her full attention to me.
"What I'm trying to say is what if there was someone that looked like grandpapa, but in actual fact, it is just...another person? What will you do if you meet him?" I knew how much my mom loved grandpa, that is why I needed to hear what she had to say.
"Honey, just because things seem to be the same, doesn't mean that they will always be the same. I love your grandpa. But I would rather hold on to the memories that we had than to attempt to rebuild them with someone else solely based on their appearance."
"Mmm..." I replied knowingly.
"Is everything alright?" My mom, who have seemed to notice the distress on my face questioned with a voice wrapped in concern.
"It's just a thought!" I exclaimed, stuffing a forkful of mash potatoes down my stomach.
"Are you sure?"
"Of course!" Proceeding to gobble a huge chunk of spaghetti, which earned a look of disgust by my mom.
"Eeeshh, but I'm worried about your eating etiquette."
"What?" I protested, my mouth looking like that of a chipmunk that was fully stuffed with acorn.
"You were able to eat so beautifully before, but now you're just..." She sighed, resorting to ignore my existence while I simply shrugged her comments away.
Let's just say that I fluent in switching between two etiquettes.
As the evening grew darker, I retreated into the solitude of my room, dousing myself in a warm and relaxing shower before falling face-flat into the comfort of my bed; letting the exhaustion from today, engulf me. As if on cue, images of that man surfaced, instilling a mix of longing and sadness that sent my heart into a dull ache. Nicholas. Or rather Nathan.
Shaking my head, I clutched the bedsheets, feeling an unspeakable need to tell someone about today's event. I grabbed the phone that laid by my side and dialed the number that has always been my go-to whenever I'm in distress.
I wonder if she's still awake.
"What's up?" The voice spoke as the line went through on the other side.
"Hey Al. Are you free?"
"Av, I'm always free for you. So, what's going on?" She asked. As usual, her bubbly voice always seemed to comfort and cheer me up. But this magic of hers just did not seem to work today as I kept silent, thinking of a way to explain the situation.
Alice, who seemed to detect that I was a little troubled, continued, "Av...? Are you okay?" her voice now dripping with a tinge of anxiousness. My tongue remained tied as I searched for the right words.
"Av...talk to me."
"Do you remember the story I told you 5 years ago?" Finally, a sentence that I managed to get out.
"Yeah."
"Well, you see...I saw him..."
"What do you mean you saw him? Who did you see?" I cleared my throat, praying that I do not sound crazy to her. "Av, who did you see?" She said once more, this time in a firmer tone.
"I saw Nicholas, Alice. I saw Nicholas." Just as soon as I broke the news, it was as if time stood still.
"You saw Nicholas?" She repeated. "Where? The company?"
"Mmmm," I simply sounded,
"okay... so, what does he do? Is he an employee, a supervisor?"
"He's my boss but-urgh! Forget it. I knew it, this is stupid." I blurted, fully aware that I was just making a fool of myself. It has been 5 years and I am still on this topic.
When will I ever get over him?
"What are you talking about? Who said about this being stupid?" Alice assured as I felt her smile over the call. "If I believe you then, I'll believe you now. And I know that you are not the type to make up stories. So please, tell me."
Defeated, I told Alice the whole story from how a single document landed me in a job in Estelle and eventually seeing Nicholas' doppelganger which I later offended, with absolute cluelessness that he was my boss.
"How did you feel when you saw him?"
"It's kind of hard to explain but I just..." My voice cracked as tears began pricking my eyes sent me into a sobbing mess. My hands shook and trembled, struggling to complete the sentence and bury whatever emotions I still felt for him.
Without needing to see the state I was in, Alice continued, "You really miss him, don't you?"
"It's been five years, Alice. Five years! And yet whenever I close my eyes, all I could think about is him." Cupping my face, I let the years of longing and hurt flow free. "Help me, Alice...Please take this away from me. Please help me to forget."
I was pathetic and at my wits end, tired from the emotional torture I had to endure every single night. I was exhausted from all the memories and feelings I still held for him. Although he had did things that deeply scarred me, I knew that deep down, I was still very much in love with him.
But why?
Why did he have to reappear again?
"Then don't." Alice uttered.
"What?" I sniffled while I blew my nose into the tissue.
"If you cannot forget him, then don't." The intensity of her voice hit me through every word, each carrying an incomprehensible weight. "Perhaps this is a second chance for the both of you, to finish and attain what was supposed to be."
"I don't understand."
I was baffled by her speech.
Attain what was supposed to be?
"Look, Av. I know that you are in an emotional mess right now. I can't say that I cannot identify with what you're feeling. But what you need right now is to relax and let time take its course. Life works in mysterious ways and though right now, you're only able to see the jumbled pieces of the puzzle, I am certain that the final picture will be revealed one day." Feeling the earnestness and solemnness in her voice, revealed a rare side of Alice to me; one that can only be seen when I was down.
"But what if-"
"No what ifs, Av. Just trust me on this. You are going to be alright. I promise." It was impossible to not heed her. Apart from my parents, she was my number one fan, my supporter through tough times, that has stuck closer to me through every trial than anyone else.
"Thank you, Alice."
"Anything for you," she responded, "now...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT INTO ESTELLE WITHOUT INFORMING ME! WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME, HUH?!" She yelled. The sudden change in volume jolted me. It was as if she frightened away the sadness as I felt those tears of mine retreat back to those tear glands.
"I-I was going to inform you. Geez..."
"Then tell me all about it now."
Our late-night talk ensued to the wee hours until our tongues ran dry and weary.
Ending the call and tucking myself into bed, I relaxed in the softness of my sheets. I thanked God that though I wasn't blessed in the areas of my love life, I was certainly bestowed with a friend that loved me just as much as any lover might do. And just based on that itself, will nothing ever separate us both.
As I closed my eyes, thoughts of Nicholas resurfaced before it was soon replaced by someone else.
"Nathan." I whispered, reopening my eyes as I felt an insatiable yearning to trace my fingers across his face.
Though you're only able to see the jumbled pieces of the puzzle right now, I am certain that the final picture will be revealed one day.
"Okay, Al."
My eyelids grew heavier before I drifted off into the land of dreams, praying that time will finally take a favorable course in my life.