chapter seventeen â kid
I COULD FEEL HIS EYES DRILLING INTO THE SIDE OF MY HEAD. I hated staying over at Dad's place. The walls smelled like an ashtray and the floor like bourbon. It was all finely misted over by the scent of an artificial home. Mum hated the scent. I avoided Dad's gaze determinedly, staring down at the dinner plate in front of me. Dad, Daniel, and Jane all had the nice silverware and plates. Jane ran out of her fine china, so I was stuck with the homely plate: with a few cracks on the edges, it reminded me of home. Mum thought fine china was useless and proudly served meals on the plates her students had painted on. They couldn't be used in the dishwasher, but Mum swore it was worth it. I didn't argue.
"You're not hungry, boy?"
I shook my head, pushing the meatloaf around with the tip of my kid-butter knife. It was short and flimsy. Daniel had a grownup butterknife, I didn't see why I couldn't. I didn't like the little knife. It made me feel stupid.
I hated Jane.
"Look at me when I talk to you"
My head snapped up, hand automatically dropping the knife as it clattered noisily onto the plate. I winced, keeping my eyes trained on Dad's disappointed face, his eyes the mirror image of mine.
"Why aren't you hungry?"
I hate you.
The thought came out of nowhere, my chest swelling with guilt. My eyes dropped back to my plate, hands forming fists in my laps before I looked up again.
"I ate earlier," I muttered, clearing my voice and repeating it again when Dad raised an eyebrow. The toe of his work shoes pushed against my sneakers under the table. He always polished his shoes. Everyday. Used to make Mum do it for him, so I guess Jane did it now.
My sneakers were white.
"Not your mother's cooking I hope," He laughed and I grimaced. At least Mum gives me a grown-up knife. Dad realized I wasn't laughing, his face freezing in his signature smile. The parents of his clients often said it was warm and welcoming. It was the reason why they chose him over the others. He was friendly. Sane.
I'd never heard his clients say the same.
"No, Lukas and I made a late lunch"
I'd never seen his clients actually.
"You hang out with Lukas a lot don't you?"
I wasn't allowed to see them.
"Kieran, look at me when I talk to you"
My head snapped up, eyes fully trained on him. I heard Jane laugh from her subordinate corner, an annoying tinkling laugh that made me want to swat her away. It sounded like she'd spent hours rehearsing for that moment: her spotlight moment before Dad snuffed her out like the rest.
"What's that suâ"
"Oh, Lukas Schmitt? I know him"
And just like that, Daniel hijacked the conversation. He was only a few months older than me, the byproduct of a stupid affair, but he liked to pretend a month was a year. He'd given up trying to go for the unshaved look since Dad's genes cursed whoever dared a beard and was now stuck more-or-less in the same boat as me. Luckily enough for both of us, we'd taken after our mother's, Daniel lucky enough to be a few inches taller than me. He looked grown though. I looked like a kid. He doesn't play basketball though. I was a kid.
"He's chill, Dad"
Dad nodded thoughtfully as if Daniel's approval was necessary and welcomed.
"When did you meet Lukas, Danny?"
Danny. Dad had never given me a pet name. Idiot, if I was lucky. Maybe Sonny, or Boy if I had good news.
Keke.
"Oh, Mom and Mrs. Schmitt are in the same food pantry volunteering group"
Daniel looked at me out of the corner of his eye, foot gently kicking at my ankle under the table. Am I doing something wrong? I straightened my spine, immediately missing my comfortable slouch. I felt Jane's gaze on me and met it head-on. She smiled before sitting up straight herself and turning back to Dad and Daniel.
"Mrs. Schmitt is alright. Mouthy and pig-headed, but that's to be expected when she works with men all day" Jane threw in her two cents with a saccharine smile, syrupy sweet I half expected her lipstick to start dribbling down her face like fake blood. Dad nodded with a short laugh and I festered in my growing unease. My fingers knotted together under the tablecloth.
"Mrs. Schmitt is a great medical technician-"
"-I'm sure she is, Daniel. She's just a bit loud, that's all I meant" Jane simpered, hand reaching out to pat at Daniel's. His eyes were cautiously narrowed, unsure as to why Lukas' family had suddenly become their daily target. I knew why.
"But-"
"-Don't talk back to your mother, Dan-Kieran?"
I hadn't even realized I was standing.
"Kieran, where are you going?"
I trudged up the stairs, not looking back. My back was tense, shoulders hunched and ready for the angry hand that would clamp down and pull me back. Dad's ring was too big for his finger and cut into my skin whenever he grabbed. It didn't hurt anymore, my skin had gone numb.
But it burns when Lukas touches me.
"Kieran, wait"
I didn't wait, striding towards Daniel's room with hesitant familiarity. Each step made it feel like the atmosphere was made of meatloaf and my legs flimsy butter-knives. I couldn't breathe. I could feel Lukas' arms around me, warm and heavy. Constricting. I hated it.
I loved it.
Then it came: the angry hand, but it wasn't angry. There was no ring. No bite.
"Hey" Daniel smiled cautiously. He had one dimple like Jane did, but it was natural and deep, no trace of plastic to be found. His hand was light, almost grazing my shoulder with no weight to it whatsoever. Airy, like cotton candy. Daniel didn't like cotton candy though. He liked licorice.
"Sorry," I frowned, mouth tasting bitter as he withdrew his hand.
"Nah, you're good. They can be a bit much at times, yeah?"
I nodded mutely.
"Don't listen to them too much," He threw a jacket at me, dragging a sweatshirt over his own head, "Let's get out of here, yeah?"
Î Î Î Î Î Î Î
Daniel lit his cigarette carefully, shoving the lighter back into his pocket. The basketball court was the healthy in-between of our two towns, familiar graffiti morphing in the moonlight. Every was doused in an eerie blue, the only warmth the vague embers of Daniel's smoke. They glowed with every puff and I found myself entranced, the smell of his nicotine less bothersome than Dad's.
"I didn't know you smoked," My back felt the wiring of the fence rigidly, the cold forcing me back to the afternoon and Lukas' warmth. I couldn't get the feeling of him out of my head. I can't get him out of my fucking head.
I let my head fall onto my knees, fingers threading through my hair. It was knotted, knuckles snagging by my scalp and tugging the strands until my eyes watered. Lukas had managed to bypass the knots somehow, but I couldn't. I kept getting stuck.
"Second-hand addiction," Daniel replied, taking a seat close to where Lukas had been only hours before. The ground was cold and Daniel winced as the wind whipped at the tears in his pants. I couldn't imagine how he'd bought them without facing Jane-the-Exorcist.
"It's alright though, my girl's helping me quit"
"You have a girl?" I peeked up from my fetal position, flushing when Daniel looked over at me, amused. I sounded like an idiot. I decided to play into my idiocracy.
"A real girl?" I raised my brows, eyes widening comically. Daniel guffawed, punching me in the shoulder as I snickered.
"She's definitely real," Daniel smiled, taking a puff from his cigarette before smashing the bud against the blacktop. A thin trail of smoke drifted up and we both watched it curl. A slight shift in the breeze blew it into my face and I coughed.
"I invited her out actually, wanted her to meet you"
I looked over, actually shocked.
"Wait, like, here? Now?"
Daniel rolled his eyes, pushing off the blacktop suddenly. He played football so I imagined he was used to having to get up quick. I copied him, dusting off my pants and trailing after him as he walked to the entrance of the court, waving towards a silhouette approaching.
"Wait, now? Daniel?"
Daniel shot me a look over my shoulder, "Yeah, now. She's chill so just be yourself, okay?"
I nodded, scratching the back of my neck and squinting in the darkness.
"Oh, and not a word about this to Dad or Mo-uh Jane. We're still on the DL, 'kay?"
I nodded again, trying to casually look over his shoulder.
"Ay, Danny!" A blur shot across the street suddenly, tackling Daniel as he fell over onto the blacktop. He laughed, shoving the girl-shaped-blur off of him and offering her a hand up.
I stood to the side awkwardly as they traded kisses, the chain around his neck twinkling as brightly as her hair jewelry in the twilight. He held her close, hand lying flat on top of her braids as their foreheads touched with hushed whispers. My cheeks burned and I turned away.
None of my friends were big on relationships. In fact, out of all the guys, I'd been the one to have dated a girl the longest, followed closely by Roger. I wasn't used to seeing people be so openly intimate. It was kinda disgusting. I anxiously kicked at the blacktop, hands twisting behind my back.
"Keke!"
Another blur shot across the streak and I barely caught it in my peripheral before it collided with me. My hands flailed out, catching the Lukas-shaped-blur by its arms as they curled around me. I hadn't even realized I was cold until he'd hugged me, the warmth flooding me instantaneously.
"Lukas," my voice was muffled into his sweatshirt, "Let go"
He smelled like bread.
Lukas detached himself from me with a silly grin, the bitterness from the afternoon completely gone and drained away. I wonder if I absorbed it. His hair looked a little damp like he'd taken a shower recently.
We used the same shampoo.
"You need to stop randomly hugging me, bro,"
I took a step back for good measure, refusing to meet the smiling bastard's happy gaze.
"Why're you here anyways?"
"Daniel called me and said you needed a hug"
I scowled, meeting Daniel's smug smile mid-turn. His girlfriend was grinning too, septum piercing matching Daniel's earring. It was weird how much they matched, but how little they seemed alike. His hand was snug around her waist and I felt the ghost of Lukas' arm do the same. Stop. I crossed my arms, nails biting into the soft skin inside my elbow. Stop, please.
The feeling went away, replaced by Lukas' very real arm draping itself over my shoulders. I felt it push me into the ground, quickly sliding out from under it.
"Daniel didn't tell me this would be a double date," Daniel's girlfriend grinned, her eyes squinting when she smiled. Mum did that too.
"It's not"
Lukas' voice took me off guard and I looked over at him, weird relief filling me. He smiled amicably, looking at me quickly before looking back over at her. He extended a hand out to her and she took it, shaking it loosely. A little smile played on the edge of her lips as she scanned Lukas' face interestedly like she was analyzing him.
"We're just friends"
I nodded in affirmation, knowing perfectly well that nobody was looking at me. I didn't like how it sounded though: like a demotion. 'Just friends' didn't do us justice. We weren't 'just friends'. What else can we be?
Best friends.
I sounded like a kid in my own head and I laughed to myself, reaching out to meet Daniel's girl's hand for another half-assed handshake.
"You must be Kieran"
"And you're..." I trailed off, not meaning to come off rude, but unbothered when it happened anyways.
"Ouch," She laughed, "Nevaeh"
I liked her.
"Okay, so now that everyone knows who's who," Daniel interrupted us sarcastically, a lazy smile on his face. I'd never seen him this relaxed before.
"I'd like to sit down before I grow old"
I rolled my eyes, grabbing Lukas by the bottom of his shirt and steering him towards the swing set of the playground. Nevaeh followed me, Daniel, in tow as we made it to the ancient set of swings, the chain rusted. There had originally been six, but the seats had fallen out of three, so we were resigned to taking turns. Well, Lukas and Nevaeh were. Daniel and I wouldn't budge.
"So what's your brilliant plan for this night out?" Lukas leaned against the pole, unbothered by the wood chips stabbing his bare legs. Isn't he cold?
Daniel raised an eyebrow, "What makes you think I have a plan?"
Nevaeh chuckled, kicking up the wood chips in his general direction.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding,"
He patted down his pockets before brandishing a little baggie in the air smugly.
"I have weed"
Dad hated weed.
"Roll me a joint, Danny"
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2201 words
Hey guys! I hope you're all doing well :)
How was this chapter?
This chapter is kinda meant to break away from the plot a bit and expand on Kieran's thoughts and relationship with his father and half-brother. I wasn't sure if I wanted to introduce more characters, but decided on introducing Daniel and Nevaeh since, realistically, people interact with a lot more than just their friends and mothers (I think). Next chapter should be the interaction between Michael and Kieran.
How do you guys think it's going to go? How do you think Kieran should apologize?
Thank you all for putting up with my erratic updating habits and still reading and supporting this book, it means a lot. I hope you all have a lovely week and stay happy and healthy! <3