chapter eighteen â bouquets
I WAS WEARING MUM'S FLOPPY GARDENING HAT, THE BRIM SWATTING MY FOREHEAD AS I BENT TO GRAB THE POTTING SOIL. The late-August sun was hot, and I could feel the back of my neck start to burn. Mum and I had walked out fully prepared coated, like candied apples, with sunscreen. She religiously reapplied it every hour or so, while I tried to roast myself to a shade other than printing paper white. So far, I'd succeeded in peachy pink, and was well on my way to lobster red.
I hoisted up two bags of potting soil under either arm, stumbling back over to where Mum was starting to plant her spinach. Up until this year, she'd only tried her hand at flowers and herbs, but decided it was time for her to level up to vegetables. The carrots we'd planted early spring had come out nice, though they had been much smaller and skinnier than the ones we got from the store. Mum liked them though, and I did too. They were sweeter. Now it was spinach time.
"Thank you, my sweet" She smiled, eyes crinkling at the edges. They were partially blocked by her own floppy hat, but when Mum smiled, it wasn't just her mouth, or eyes that smiled â it was her whole body. It was like a little candle lit up inside of her and she would glow with a faint light that was, seemingly, just pure, unadulterated happiness.
I dropped the bags at her side, laying down in the grass. It felt cool against the burnt skin of my back and tickled my hands. I needed to cut it soon, but I wanted to let it grow out a little more. Cutting grass made it spiky, and it stabbed you when you tried to lay on it. Grass that grew out was much kinder, though Jane would say it made neighborhoods look neglected. I thought it made neighborhoods look soft.
And soft isn't a bad thing.
"Did you have fun at your Da's?"
I sat up, blinking fast when little yellow dots started to dart around my vision. Sleeping in the sun was fun. Waking up? Not so much.
"Yeah," I mumbled, rubbing at my eyes with my fists. They were starting to water and I blamed the sun. Too damn bright.
"Hung out with Daniel and Lukas" and Daniel's secret girlfriend.
"Oh, Jane didn't mind you boys heading out?" Mum looked at me innocently. She tucked a strand of head behind her ear, dirt smearing across her cheek. That's okay, not a big deal. It's just dirt. She'll be fine.
"We didn't really ask..." I let my head drop as Mum turned to me, disappointed. She had one hand on her hip and slid across from me, criss-cross as well. Her other hand held a cluster of weeds, their roots scraggly and thin. I watched them dangle, like limp worms. Do roots move when they're underground?
My nose scrunched in distaste.
"Kieran, honey?"
I blinked, squinting to meet the worried gaze of Mum as her hand reached out towards me. She noticed the dirt smearing across her knuckles and paused, ghosting the tips of her fingers across my shoulder.
"Did something happen at Daniel's house, Kieran? Were they not nice to you?" Her eyes flickered with a little bit of anger and I smiled, brushing her hand aside.
"You have some dirt on your face, Mum"
She looked at me, concerned, hand absently wiping across her jaw.
"Kierâ"
"âI'm fine, Mum. I'll be fine."
I pushed off the ground, fists taking two bunches of grass with me as I went. It wasn't enough to leave bald patches in the ground, Mum wouldn't like that, but enough to make the remaining grass a little lonely. A little less green.
"I'm going to Lukas', today's Elisabeth's birthday"
Mum stood up with me, nervously biting at the inside of her cheek. I didn't like making her worry. Stress wasn't good for her, she got sick and ate less when she was stressed.
I hesitated before reaching out and hugging her. I wasn't a fan of initiating hugs, so she seemed shocked, but hugged me back tightly. Her hugs weren't like Lukas' hugs, they didn't make my stomach flip, but they were warm and put a smile on my face. I like hugs.
"Take some flowers for her, yeah dear?" Mum patted my cheek fondly before turning back to her garden with giddy energy. I smiled, nodding as she started arranging a mini bouquet from all her flowers that had bloomed. I couldn't really name them all, but they looked nice.
"Uh, Mum?" I fiddled with my fingers, picking at the skin by my nails.
"Do you think you could make two bouquets?"
"Oh, of course, one for Lukas too then?"
"N-no" I spluttered, rejoining her on the grass. My fingers combed through the blades, pulling out random strands that knotted in my fingers.
"Iâ" I sighed, and she brandished a group of flowers in my face with a big grin.
"This is my happy birthday bouquet, tell Elisabeth I said 'happy birthday', will you, honey?"
I chuckled, taking the bouquet from her and holding the stems together in my hands. The flowers looked nice and I rubbed the petals of a few in between my fingers. It was soft.
"Now, then," She looked at me curiously, "Who's the next bouquet for?"
"There's this kid," I faltered, "And I was really mean to him"
"Like," I couldn't meet Mum's gaze, "really mean, Mum. I said some horrible things, and, Iâ"
"âI just want him to know I'm sorry"
"Did you mean anything you said? You're truly sorry, Kieran?" Mum peered at me, the slightest trace of disappointment on her face.
I nodded, my throat suddenly dry.
You're just the weird drama club gay kid everyone knows but nobody wants to know.
"I didn't mean it. I wasâ I thinkâ" My chin fell again, my lips moving but no sound coming out. The sun didn't feel as warm anymore, and the back of my neck was starting to burn cold, like ice.
"I think I was jealous"
Mum looked at me curiously, her lips pursed. Her eyes matched the sky. They were a nice blue shade that made me think of infinite summers filled with basketball, gardening, and friends. No school. No licorice. Just skies and hugs.
"Well, I'd accept your apology," She announced with a small smile. She patted my knee, turning back to her flowers, busying herself making another bouquet for me. I stared at the flowers in my hand, ears burning. I was jealous.
Every interaction Michael and Lukas had seemed forced, but familiar. It seemed like they knew each other so well that it felt weird to see them act like strangers sometimes. They thought I couldn't see it, but I wasn't as stupid as everyone made me out to be. I could tell when someone was lying to me.
When Lukas was lying to me.
"Really? You'd accept my apology even if I was a major di-rude person?"
"Kieran, if a handsome young man bought me flowers and said he was sorry with even a fraction of the sincerity I saw on your face, I'd forgive him in a heartbeat" I flushed and she laughed merrily, "Maybe two or three heartbeats"
"Good thing hearts beat fast then"
Î Î Î Î Î Î Î
My heart was about to beat right out of my chest. It was hammering away at my chest until my ribs ached, my palms slick with sweat as I offered the smaller of the two bouquets to the very amused boy in front of me. His hair wasn't yellow anymore, a cotton-candy pink framing his skull like a flower was trying to eat his face. It looked fluffy though, the spun-sugar-look not as barf-worthy as it might have been on other people. Why am I so nervous?
"You got me flowers?" He smiled, half-shocked, half-flustered.
"Y-yeah, they're, um" I pushed them into his arms, my now-empty hand dropping to my side limply. I stuck it in my pocket, tapping through the material of my pants anxiously.
"It's um, an apology bouquet," I felt my face grow warm when Michael smiled a big toothy grin that almost took up his whole face, "my Mum made it"
"Fuck," He cursed softly and I blinked, unsure as to why he was hiding his face in his free hand. He finally looked up, his face blank, and gently grabbed my forearm. I followed him as he led me away from the Schmitt's kitchen and towards the more private living room. Everyone else was outside for the barbeque. He pushed me towards the couch and I sat down, feet tapping against the carpeted floor. It felt like an interview.
"Michael, I'm really sorry for saying all of those things. I swear I don't think you're a loner nobody likes. Everyone likes you actually. Hell, I think most people fucking suck, but you're alrâ"
"âYou're such an asshole, Kieran Mogan," He cut me off, dissolving into giddy chuckles as he hid his face again. I flushed beet-red, not expecting this reaction at all.
"Oh, um. So you don't accept my apology?"
"I accept it. I accept it. Fuck," Michael laughed again, soft giggles that made the corners of my mouth turn up.
"It's damn near impossible to hate you, Kieran"
That's probably the nicest thing anyone who isn't Mum or Lukas has said to me.
"You're so frustrating," he continued, "But it's like, you're not a bad guy? You know? Who am I kidding, of course, you don't know. That's what makes it frustrating"
"Uh" I added on, intelligently.
He smiled, starting to calm down. His arms tightened around the bouquet protectively and I smiled, doing the same to one I was supposed to give Elisabeth. As fate would have it, when Mr. Schmitt had opened the door Michael had been in clear view behind him, stuffing his face full of cupcakes. He'd almost choked on them when he'd seen me standing there, my face staring at him through a dense mass of flowers.
"Thank you for the flowers and the apology, Kieran. I appreciate it" He smiled, and his dimples creased. I wonder if he can hide candy in them.
"I-I'm not apologizing to you because Lukas told me to," I mumbled, "I really am sorry"
Michael nodded, breathing deeply, "I believe you"
"I was jealous" I blurted out, freezing as the words left my mouth.
He didn't ask you dumbass.
Michael's eyes widened in genuine surprise, "Of what?"
My mouth was sealed and I looked away, humiliated.
"Of me and Lukas," He didn't say it like a question, and I knew my answer wasn't needed.
"Listen, Kieran," I felt the couch dip next to me, "Even if I wanted to steal Lukas away from you, I wouldn't be able to. You're practically the only thing heâ"
"âIt's not normal though, is it?"
I met his gaze, surprised when I was met with a pair of the darkest eyes I'd ever seen. Michael liked to use the alien-green contacts, which had taken a shit ton of getting used to, but his natural eyes sucked you inâ that's how dark they were. They weren't black, but a brown so deep light stayed in them and swirled around instead of reflecting off of them.
"Me and Lukas? We're just," I paused, looking at the flowers Michael was holding. They were close enough to my bouquet to seem intertwined with them like one big, happy flower bush.
"We're not normal friends. It's like, we're more than that, but," I laughed awkwardly, standing up as Michael looked at me with a weird look on his face.
"It feels like I'm the only one who thinks it's more?"
I wasn't sure if I was talking to Michael or talking to myself.
"Sorry, I sound gaâ" I stopped, looking over at Michael, alarmed.
"Sorry, um. Not that gay is a bad thing. I'm not, I mean, you do you." I scratched at the back of my neck, regretting it immediately as the forgotten pain from my sunburn seared through my spine.
Michael stood up to match me, "It's okay. You're not going to offend me."
I nodded quietly.
"Don't base your friendship with Lukas off the limitations of other's," He tilted his head to the side a little: like he was trying to figure me out as I did the same. I couldn't figure Michael out exactly. He was soft, but he could be cruel. He could be hurt, but he could laugh and giggle over little things.
He's human after all.
It wasn't like I'd thought he was an alien, but the thought had never occurred to me beforeâ how human Michael was when I'd made him out to be this invincible, unreadable, delicate fortress of wrongness, but I couldn't find a single fiber of wrong in him. Flaws, sure. We all had them. Even Lukas.
My Dad said people like Michael needed help, and that they were wrong, but as far I was concerned Michael had no wrong: just rainbows and secrets.
"You know," Michael caught my attention, his eyes trained on the little leaves of the flowers he held.
"I met your father in the supermarket the other day," He rolled one of the leaves around his finger, and I felt myself frown when I realized his nails were painted the same shade as the stem. How did I not notice that before?
"I could tell it was him because his eyes are the same as yours and because he was talking about you"
My eyebrows raised, but I didn't pry. I didn't want to know what my Dad was saying about me. I didn't want to listen to another lie from him. That bastard's dead to me.
Michael smiled up at me, and I found his rainbow. It wasn't hidden in his jewelry, or stamped on his clothes. It was small, faint, but right there, as clear as day, in his eyes.
"You're nothing like him"
I wonder what's in my eyes.
________________________________________________________________________________
2340 words
I'm quite fond of this chapter since I got to write a little more about Kieran's relationship with Caoimhe (his mother) :) I know his apology could've been more dramatic, or stretched-out, but Kieran being Kieran isn't too big on saying sorry in the first place, so I hope it seemed realistic.
Do you think Michael forgave him too quickly?
Do you think Kieran is changing?
Did you like this chapter?
As always, thank you so much for reading! Seeing your comments and interactions really motivates me to continue writing, and I'm so happy and thankful for all of you who are sticking with me (and the boys) through this story. I hope you all have a beautiful week and stay safe <3