I should have known it was going to happen. Why did I even hope it wouldn't, when it was the only obvious and natural outcome? Nope, Jeremy didn't show up. As I knew he wouldn't. At first I was a little disappointed, but in the end I made peace with it. It's not like I could expect him to actually stay true to his word. He probably changed his mind halfway through his shift, realize what an absurdity it would have been, to get stuck at breakfast with me.
I did wait. I was sleepy as hell, and the last thing I wanted was to be there when Scott arrived to open the diner, but I resisted through it, thinking it would be worth it just to talk to Jeremy a bit. But he didn't come. Oh, well.
After a night spent working, I pretty much crawled home. My sight was so blurry that I barely saw the silhouette crouched beside my door. At first I thought it was a package, so I tried to remember whether I'd ordered something that big on Amazon.
"Good morning."
Right. I should have expected this. When will people learn the meaning of boundaries? "Morning." Ben stood up with a sigh, and stretched, to which I frowned. "You didn't ..."
"I did."
"Ben ..."
"Since you weren't answering my phone calls, I decided I'd wait out here," he hinted at the pizza box next to him, "then I guess I fell asleep."
I rolled my eyes, bypassing the pizza box to open my door. "You shouldn't have."
"Where have you been?"
Ben, I like you, but you're not my husband nor my father, and I'm way past the age where I need to ask for permission to anyone. It's what I wanted to say, as snappy as I felt, since he clearly disregarded my request. "Work."
He checked his watch. "It's 9 am."
"Yes."
"You need to report your employer, it's illegal to make you work like-"
"Ben." I interrupted him, exasperated. "Please. I'm worn out, I worked all night, can we please not do this right now? Please? And you need to stop sneaking up on me when I'm most vulnerable, it's unfair."
"It's the only times I manage to actually get through your thick armor." He grumbled.
Because he came to stand between me and the door, being quite unfair and rude, not to mention mildly creepy, I sighed, sliding against the floor to sit down. Most of the night shift might have been chill, but cleaning up the whole diner wore me out. Those restrooms, I swear, I clean them every day yet every day they get worse. "I'm going to speak now." I said, tired of all this drama that suddenly entered my life.
Between him and his obsession with dragging me out of my comfort zone, Faith sponsoring her brother in every single message, for who knows what reason, my parents hassling me about going back home if I can't make it in New York, and now even Jeremy coming back into my life for a split second, only to disappear just as quickly, yet in time to remind me of the dreamy little thing I was and how she died horribly, lost between one toilet scrub and the other ... I was finally about to blow up.
"Finally."
I sent Ben a dirty look, but he was unfazed. "I'm going to speak now," I repeated, "please, don't interrupt me. I am exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally, so please, just let me say this, then we can call it a day once and for all." I paused, waiting for his reply.
Ben sat down beside me, yet far enough not to be able to touch me, crouching his legs. I hadn't asked him to, but I guess he prefigured it, because before nodding, he closed his eyes, leaning back against the door. He knew I would feel more at ease if I didn't have to look at him while speaking, and he was right.
I took a deep breath, and began: "I didn't mean to send that message, but I meant what I said in it. I appreciate all your efforts in helping me be more confident, but there is no need. You're not the first person to tell me I need to change, I already know that. But has it ever occurred to you that, maybe, just ... maybe, I'm fine like this? That I like spending my free time at home reading or watching Netflix? Has it ever occurred to you that I might prefer the company of my cats to actual people not because I'm desperate and lonely, but because I just like cats better than people?
Yes, I have a lot of issues. I do, I know I do. And I should probably work on them, but a makeover won't do anything about it. It just won't. This is not a movie, where the ugly nerd just removes the glasses, puts on some makeup, loses the ponytail, and suddenly becomes the beauty of the ball. Maybe some people just are what they are, unpleasant. I made my peace with it a long time ago, and being dragged to the worst place possible for an introvert, only to be shamed and ridiculed, it wasn't the right approach.
I'm sorry I ghosted you, it was rude of me, but truth be told, I only partly did that. I left my phone untouched since I came back from the mall. I needed silence. Because that's also me, you know? Sometimes I need utter silence. Sometimes I need a break from everything and everyone. Yes, I was kind of mad at you. But then I reminded myself that you just wanted to help. It's not your fault, really, you don't know me that well, you thought the generic approach would work on me as it probably has on Valerie."Â I paused, my heart thumping in my chest.
I wasn't improvising, that's why I could put all those words together. During the breaks at the diner, I wrote a "letter" on my phone, and that's what I was reading to him. Before Ben could speak, I went on: "You were kind enough to try and help a desperate cause like I am, but the very definition of desperate is, in fact, impossible to change. So why waste your time? Just because we're neighbors, doesn't mean we must be friends. There's no rule for that. That's why I meant it when I said enjoy New York. For a guy like you, it'll be fun." Done. So I locked my phone, and stood up, wanting to leave before my self-preservation instincts kicked in. "Now I need to sleep."
Ben reopened his eyes, and looked at me. "You wrote it down?"
"Yeah."
"I guessed so." He stood. "Joanna ..." he dusted off his pants, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, I should have seen you were out of your depths. But I do believe you need to live a little. It doesn't have to be in loud places and surrounded by people, it can be Internet, you know. You can get out of your comfort zone even with people online. That's how it works nowadays. But whatever the means you prefer, you should do it."
"I ..."
He held up his finger to silence me, and came a little closer. Taken off guard, I backed up against the wall. He was so close that I could smell his usual perfume mixed with a little natural scent â he did spend the night outside my door, after all. "Whatever you may think," Ben stated, "if I talk to you, if I spend time with you, it's because I want to." He chuckled, "I'm way past the age of forced playdates, JoJo. If I want to be your friend, it's not because you're a forced choice, it's because I think you're funny â note that I said funny, not amusing, because if I laugh, I laugh with you, not at you."
This was a time for confessions, I see. 7 am, most people wake up, Ben and Joanna have the talks they never thought they'd have. Or at least I thought it. Somehow, he always catches me when I'm not thinking straight. Or maybe I don't think straight because I feel free around him. Some people are like that, naturally able to make you at ease.
I yelped when Ben fixed his light brown eyes on mine and left his hands at my sides, leaning in, until his forehead grazed mine. At this point I could really feel his hot breath against my mouth, as cliché as that may sound. If I was anyone else, I might have even thought he was about to kiss me. But ... he would never. First because I'm me, second because, well, he's gay.
"We good now?" Ben spoke softly, as if he weren't just casually causing my heart to nearly explode. At this rate, I'm gonna need a pacemaker soon.
I tried to nod, but it would have meant really touching his forehead with mine, so I just stuttered a flustered: "Y-yes ..."
Why was he so close, though? No touching, no touching, friends don't get this close, Ben, where did you learn this. Maybe it's normal for extroverts, but introverts abhor this sort of invasion of personal space. My legs were beginning to shake, both because of the embarrassment, and because I was so exhausted I could fall asleep just like that. "I ... I need sleep ..." I murmured, my throat dry.
Ben nodded against my forehead, yet his hands made me recoil when they actually touched my hips. "Yeah, you should go ..." he whispered, yet unmoving.
"Ben ..." he was acting weird, was he sick? He'd never breached my personal space like that, getting so close as to touch me, even.
Much to my surprise, Ben closed his eyes, his grip on my hips getting stronger. "Take a deep breath." He said, not sure if to me or to himself.
"I ..." I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but I didn't have time to say it. Yeah, you guessed it. Ben kissed me.