"So ..." Jeremy cleared his throat when we got to my door. Well, my building's door. Close enough, I guess.
"Thanks." I smiled bravely. "I had fun." Feels like I say that at every date, and every date ends the same way. I don't know whether to be glad we're still doing this or confused as to whether we're stuck in a loop or not.
"Me too." He grinned, hands stuffed in his pockets. This time, however, he did something that took me off guard. Jeremy, who had always kept a somewhat safe distance between us at every date â other than hands casually brushing here and there â, this time almost closed the gap between us.
It was enough for me to have to look up, him being slightly taller than me, and enough for him to probably spot the imperfections behind Valerie's perfect makeup art. I may be a complete ignorant when it comes to people, but even I knew what was about to happen. It was about time, may I add. After 4 weeks, at least a dozen dates, it was time, it had to be time.
Jeremy looked evidently nervous, though. During the time spent together I discovered that he's just as socially awkward as I am, which is a blessing and a surprise, but also makes things a bit more difficult between us. Introvert + Introvert equals Super Introvert and barely any steps taken while dating, you know. That's why after so many dates, so much time spent on super nerdy dates and equally nerdy texting, we still haven't kissed.
It'd be funny if it wasn't so frustrating: number of times I kissed my allegedly gay neighbor that apparently dropped off the face of the earth? two; number of times I've kissed the guy I've been dating? Zero. Even I know there's something off with that count, at the very least it should be the opposite.
"Would it be too ... cheeky of me if I asked to come up?" Jeremy wondered, his voice lowering a bit. Before I could answer, however, he pulled slightly back, justifying: "I just don't want this perfect night to end." He blushed the slightest. "I'm not ... uh ..." ah, there it is, the Jeremy I know, awkward and shy. He scratched the back of his head, clearing his throat nervously. "I'm sorry, I realize it sounded like I want ... you know ..." Yeah, yeah, I know. "But ... I just thought we could, I don't know, have a drink, talk some more?"
I mean, why not? "Okay."
"Really?"
I chuckled. I think I may have found the one guy that's even more shy than I am. Or rather, he's not truly that shy, just he's nervous, as if terrified he'll say the wrong thing and ruin everything between us. I can't deny I understand that fear all too well. However, I promised to Valerie that I would do everything in my power not to retreat into my safe cocoon. I need to live a little, as she says.
And maybe Ben has been gone for weeks now, but doesn't mean I can't go on and get out of my shell like he so wanted me to. I shook my head slightly in order to chase away the thought of Ben. We text, sure, but he always ignores me when I ask if/when he's coming back and what is he up to.
"Let's go." I told Jeremy, smiling boldly, and unlocked the door. This has to work. 20-year-old me would scream in delight, our crush finally coming over, finally talking to us, paying attention to us, which, now I know, he already did back in the day. He just was too shy to really act on it.
Jeremy and I walked to the elevator in silence. I don't know whether he was trying to think of the next steps or he just likes silence as much as I do. Maybe the latter. These four weeks I found out we have a lot in common, from the love for books and overall learning new things, to all that nerdy stuff that most of the people around us don't understand. I can't help but regret my actions even more now, we could have connected really well back in the day, if only I'd been braver. But I guess it's better late than never, right?
"Did I tell you? I have this weekend off." Jeremy mentioned when we got to the elevator.
"Really? What are you going to do?"
He pursed his lips, as if not sure whether he should ask or not. "That's the thing ... I was thinking-uh ... we could, get away?" I gulped, probably not very quietly, as his nervous laugh told me. "Yeah, I mean ... I don't know if you've noticed, but-uh ... it's been a month."
A month that we're dating, sort of. Oh, yeah, I definitely noticed. I got used to his good morning and good night texts, to him dropping by before and after work, to our afternoon dates because he's still on night shift. I'm getting used to his presence in my life, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not, but I definitely love it.
There are only 2 stains in this unlikely period of my life: one is, obviously, Ben's absence; two is the fact that, much to my dismay, I had to go back to Scott and beg him to hire me back. I know, I know, I was finally rid of him. But, well, after a week spent nursing that scalding wound to my hand, I did some Math, and I was nowhere near finding a new job, so I had to swallow my pride and go back, tail between my legs.
However, Michelle and Jeremy drop by the diner pretty often, and I don't need to tell you what seeing police uniforms does to Scott. He's been nicer, if by nice you mean he ended the verbal and somewhat physical abuse. Of course, he left me on the night shift indefinitely, thinking I'd hate it, and doubled my tasks for the night, making sure I go home absolutely worn out. What he doesn't know is that I like the night shift, and I probably will until Jeremy has the same shift.
"So, what do you think?" Jeremy asked again, which meant I was spacing out.
"About?" I asked, smiling kindly as I turned to him after having pressed the button to go up to my floor.
"The Berkshires?" He proposed.
"The Berkshires?" I repeated, confused.
"Yeah, I thought it'd be nice to spend a weekend there ... there's this nice antiques fair and I know you love antiques, so ..." Jeremy explained.
Sounds very romantic, which I don't know how appropriate it is after only 1 month, but it also sounded interesting. However ... "Scott would never give me the time off." I sighed.
"I can ask him nicely," he chuckled, exposing his badge, to which I laughed, "or I could send Michelle after him ... no one can dare say no to that woman."
"I thought you said police was only a temporary choice but you seem to enjoy it." I commented as we got off the elevator once on my floor.
Jeremy shrugged. "Well, yeah, but it's probably just that Michelle makes it interesting. I can't really see myself doing this permanently." I nodded in agreement. I don't see him as a cop for life either, to be honest. Jeremy is more like the scholar type.
"What would you prefer?" I asked as we headed to my apartment.
Jeremy cleared his throat, a bit embarrassed. "It'll sound super-nerdy, but ... I was thinking paleontology."
"Paleontology?"
"Yeah, I mean, I always loved dinosaurs ... I did major in Archaeology after all, I just didn't find anything to back it up so I had to adjust."
I understand that feeling all too well. "I think you should pursue your dreams." I stated as we stopped at my door.
"I could say the same to you." Jeremy smiled. "You did say your dream was to write."
"Yeah, but it's ... complicated."
"It always is, but you never know if you never try." Somehow that sounded like it held deeper meanings that had more to do with us than with our career problems and dreams.
In fact, Jeremy brushed my arm, tilting his head to the side. "I like being with you, Joanna." He admitted, to which I obviously blushed, lowering my glance. "I'm often nervous because I don't wanna lose this second chance we got, but ..." he cleared his throat as he neared me, and I held my breaths, "I really like you, and ..." closer, always closer, he caressed my cheek, "maybe I should have done this weeks ago," Jeremy mentioned as he leaned in, and pecked my lips at first, as if testing the waters.
Seeing I responded positively, he went in, more decisive but always gentle. A month ago, I would have been scared and anxious, now ... well, I was. But just a little braver. Enough to wrap my arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. Oddly enough, that one practice kiss with Ben served to its purpose â or at any rate the purpose I convinced myself it had, in lack of an answer from him. I learned, more or less.
Normally, this would be happening after a long date night, but with our schedules it's a bit difficult. I'll admit I've never been more interested in breakfast than when I started having it with Jeremy, and now this ... I don't know whose life I'm living right now, because it definitely doesn't look like mine.
--
Tell me, how do you sleep after something like that? After a long night shift, I should have crawled to my bed the moment Jeremy left, but ... how? He didn't even come in. After the kiss, we both got super-awkward, so he decided to go home to get some sleep.
When you put together 2 awkward nerds it's only normal that this kind of stuff happens, to be honest. And I don't mind. But, try sleeping after that. Hence, I decided to do laundry. It does take me more ever since Valerie decided I'm a charity where she leaves clothes she, allegedly, doesn't sell. Pretty sure it's a lie, but there's no way of convincing her otherwise.
After having changed into a more comfortable pair of sweatpants and oversized t-shirt and having removed my makeup â believe it or not, now I wear makeup every day â, I grabbed the hamper with my dirty clothes, and stepped outside my apartment.
Hadn't I ever. The moment I opened the door, I found the oddest sight. "Ben?"
"Yeah, who else?" He laughed sarcastically, lowering his arm which had been about to knock on my door.
I let my hamper fall as I dropped back against the wall, overwhelmed. I felt like I was seeing a ghost. "Where ... what ... when ..."
"You ok?" Ben looked at me, worried.
"Of course not!" I slapped his hand away when he tried to place it on my shoulder. My breaths were hitched so much that I felt like I was gonna pass out. "Where the hell have you been?!" I blurted out, unable to retain myself.
He chuckled â the bastard had the nerve to chuckle! â, "away."
"You don't say?" I scoffed.
"Oh, look who found her claws."
I sent him a dirty look, almost ready to tell him all the things I thought to myself throughout these weeks. Like, why did you leave out of the blue? Do you normally drop off the face of the earth for days? Is disappearing from someone's life what you call being there for them? But I kept it all. Both because in the end it wasn't worth it, and because maybe I had no right to get mad. It's not like he really owes me an explanation, does he? Besides, with all those calls at whichever hour of the day, why didn't I think of it sooner? He was with his boyfriend.
So, I just retrieved the hamper from the floor, and bypassed him to go do what I was supposed to. There wasn't really anything I could say, other than a chilly: "Welcome back."
"JoJo ..." Ben called as I walked away, but I didn't even turn around.
He disappears for a month, barely texting, dodges every single question about what he's up to, and then suddenly comes back, acting like nothing happened. Seriously? I have no right to be mad, but I inevitably am. These four weeks would have been wrapped in my paranoia, hadn't it been for Jeremy. I spent most of my free time with him, and the rest with Valerie, so it was somewhat easier to force out any Ben-related thought. At some point I just decided ok, he's not coming back, I can delete his number.
"Joanna ..." he called again, this time taking swift steps to the elevator, where he stopped me before I could step on.
"I've got stuff to do." I replied, always chilly.
"Can't it wait? It's been a long time."
"Oh, really? I hadn't noticed." I scoffed.
"Come on ..." the fact that my arm burned when he touched it didn't convince me, neither did the faster beats of my heart. Maybe I missed him, but so what?
Ben sighed and, after having snatched the hamper away from my hands, he gripped my arm, and pulled me into his, hugging me tight. "I missed you."
No, no, no. You don't get to say that. You don't get to just appear out of the blue and hug me like nothing. You don't get to make me feel glad I'm even only setting my eyes on you again. No. It's not fair. "I didn't." I blurted out, cold and stiff in his arms.
"I don't believe that for one moment." Ben claimed, not letting me go. "You called me."
"Yeah, so?"
He chuckled, his hot breath against my left ear making me feel chills for some reason. "You hate phone calls, JoJo. Yet you called me."
"Well ... Valerie was worried." I lied.
He shook his head. "Valerie called too, so you didn't have to."
"Well, I ..." I cleared my throat, embarrassed to have been caught in a lie, "I ... I didn't know she did."
Ben insolently placed a kiss on my cheek, then spoke softly in my ear: "I'm sorry I've been gone so long, I didn't mean to."
"You don't need to justify." I didn't move, even though he was squeezing me hard into him, as if to physically tell me he missed me. I resisted the temptation of wrapping my own arms around him, I just stood there, awkward. I'm not a hug person.
"You're mad at me." He stated matter-of-factly.
"No."
"Yes."
"No." I rolled my eyes, trying to find the strength to pull back.
"Yes."
"Stop it."
He laughed. "Only if you admit you missed me."
"And what good will that do?"
He hugged me tighter. "I get to hear it."
"So?"
"It means you care."
"Ugh."
Ben impertinently kissed my cheek again as he sought my hands, entwining them in his. "I would have never stayed away this long, hadn't I been forced to." He claimed. "Can you forgive me?"
Ugh, why did he have to use that nice voice of his, that tone where he can ask me to do just about anything. And when did I become so weak and so incline to people invading my personal space? "Fine." I squirmed a bit, trying to pull back, but he didn't let me. "But let me go."
"Do I have to?"
"Ben ..."
"No touching, yes, I know." He laughed. "But that rule doesn't apply to me, does it?"
"Yes, it does." I sent him a dirty look. "Especially when you go missing like you did."
"I had to."
"Yeah, yeah ..." I finally wiggled out of his grip, and could breathe properly. "When did you arrive?"
"Just a few minutes ago." He pointed at his suitcase still in front of his door. "I came to you first of all."
I rolled my eyes, to which he grabbed my left hand again, once more entwining it in his. "JoJo, come on ... I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it. I was worried." I freed my hand from his grip, finally regaining my senses. How could I let his stupid hug intoxicate me like that? So what, he hugged me. Big deal. Hugs mean nothing but an awkward pair of seconds to me.
"Ok, how can I make it up to you?" He tilted his head to the side, giving me a pleading look.
I sighed, raking a hand over my face. "Next time you go missing, at least call me."
He grinned cheekily. "I will." Somehow, I doubt that. "I got busy with some clients."
"Clients?"
Ben hooked his arm to mine and, after having grabbed the hamper for me, he made me turn back towards my door. "I'm hungry, should we get breakfast?"
"I just had breakfast." With Jeremy.
"Second breakfast then?"
"Ben ..."
"Fine, fine ..." he let me go, "but will I see you later today?"
"I've got a night shift." He arched an eyebrow, not understanding, so I explained: "I went back to the diner ..."
"Oh, come on ..."
"I had no choice! I needed a job."
Ben sighed, disappointed. "There are so many hiring."
"I needed something fast." I shrugged, walking back to my apartment. "Not all of us can afford to drop off the face of the earth every now and then."
"Come on, I thought we were past that ..."
I shrugged. "Just saying."
"Alright." Ben sighed. "Well, so can we have lunch together maybe?"
I pursed my lips. How do I tell him I'm getting lunch with Jeremy? It shouldn't be a problem, right? You don't need to lie to your gay friend about the guy you're seeing, do you? Especially when it's not even a secret relationship. It's not like Jeremy is married and I'm the other woman. Yet I didn't know whether I should tell Ben I'm still seeing him. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I'm ... I'm seeing Valerie for lunch." Goddamnit, Joanna. Why lie? Why?
"Good, two birds, one stone. I was supposed to meet Valerie too one of these days." Ben shrugged.
Ugh. "Well, it's ... it's a girls day."
"A what?"
"Valerie and I, we have these ... girls days once a week. We have lunch together and we go ... well, shopping." At least that was true.
"Since when you like shopping?" Ben chuckled.
"I don't." I rolled my eyes. "But ... I like hanging out with Valerie." I really do. Outside the times she unnerves me with her "Womanhood 101" lessons and the fact that she always insists on doing my makeup and hair and checking my outfit every single time, she's a great friend. And, she has been great help with this whole new game called Dating The Guy I Had A Crush On. It's really a bit Valerie's merit if I'm not as much of a frozen burrito as I usually would be around Jeremy. Well, most of the job was done by the right now annoying light-brown-haired photographer called Benjamin I Come In And Out Of Your Life Whenever I Please And You Let Me Harris.
"And ..." Mr. Annoying came closer, and mildly worried he might hug me again, I backed up against the wall, which gave me a mind's eye of that freaking kiss he gave me that one time. That was enough to make my knees feel like jelly. "You can't make an exception just this once? For me?" He pleaded, giving me a puppy look that was worth melting for.
"Ben ..." I sighed for the umpteenth time in a short interval.
"Come on ..."
No, no, no, no, Joanna, no. You can't bail on your date just to meet up with a friend that clearly doesn't deem you important enough to share his whereabout throughout these four weeks. Besides, Jeremy and I just kissed, if I bail now, he'll think it's exactly because of that kiss.
"Would it help your decision if I said I have to leave again tomorrow?" Ben interjected into my thoughts while I was trying to convince myself not to give in to his pouty look.
"What?" My eyes snapped to him.
"I'm a freelance, I gotta go wherever my clients want me to."
"Are you sure you're not lying just to convince me to say yes?" I inquired out loud, skeptical.
Ben chuckled. "Not this time. I've got a double wedding in Connecticut this weekend, and they want me to capture the preparations the days before. It's actually a pretty big gig, you know. They pay well." There was an underling of, I really need the money that I understood all too well. "Actually ..." he added, a bit mischievous, "because it's such an important client, I kinda need an assistant ..."
My eyes widened. "No." I blurted out immediately.
"You'd only have to help me carry and set up the equipment, and with the lighting and other stuff to make sure the photoshoot goes well."
"I know nothing about photography." I argued.
"You don't need to know stuff about photography. It's really easy and you get paid."
There it is, the magic word. I pursed my lips. I could really use the extra money; it would mean an extra step towards being able to finally leave the diner for good. Scott even cut my salary for the first month, as a welcome back fee, he said. "Well ..."
"Yes?"
"Ben, you know Scott will never give me the time off." I argued. I couldn't dare ask for a weekend to go with Jeremy, imagine a week.
"JoJo, let me make this clear for you ..." he said, hands now on my shoulders, staring straight into my eyes, which didn't help the whole jelly knees situation, of course. "These people are crazy rich." Ben explained. "They want a photoshoot for the whole week, arrival of the families, rehearsal and all included. The only things they don't want photographed are the bachelor and bachelorette parties, really. That means we get 1 day off for which we will still get paid. And they pay a lot."
"Define a lot." I squinted my eyes, thinking of the money I could get.
"It's 2 grand."
"For the whole photoshoot?" That doesn't seem like much.
"A day." Ben grinned, finally removing his hands from my shoulders.
"Are you serious?" I quickly did the Math in my head. "That's ..."
"12 thousand dollars." He finished for me.
"To split?"
"Nope, 12 grand each."
"What!"
Ben laughed. "I know right? Told you, they're crazy rich and don't care how much they spend. This whole double wedding thing is so big, it'll make William and Kate blush."
"But it wouldn't be fair of me to take as much as you, you're the one that will actually do the job ..."
"So you're agreeing?" He grinned, absurdly happy.
"Well, I can't exactly say a straight no to 12 thousand dollars, can I?" I chuckled. It's what I make in 6 months at the diner. "But why can't you just hire some student like you?"
"Why would I want a student when I've got my JoJo?" He winked charmingly, the bastard. For being gay, he sure knows how to make a woman weak to her core, I'll admit. "I know you need the money, too." Ben said. "This gig allows you to quit that stupid diner once and for all." It would indeed give me some breathing space. "And consider there's other rich people invited at this wedding, so that means ... potential new clients."
"Where did you even find them?"
"Oh, those Italians I did a wedding photoshoot for some time ago, they spread the word. That's why I got so much work this month, JoJo."
I frowned. "Are you gonna give me the I was busy excuse now?"
"Hey, I did answer your calls, didn't I?"
"Only because I forced you to."
He grinned cheekily. "JoJo, come on, you're never a duty, I told you. I missed your voice." Why does he have to be so charming? It should be illegal for a gay man to be charming with a woman, it wakes up thoughts he can't translate into actions. Then again, in my case it wouldn't happen regardless, but ... damn!
But this job he was offering, though. Six days in Connecticut alone with Ben yet surrounded by posh and shallow rich people. I don't know how to feel about that. Not to mention what would I tell Jeremy? No to the Berkshires with him but yes to Connecticut with my gay neighbor? That doesn't send the right message, does it?
"So, what do you say?" Ben insisted.
"There must be a catch." I mentioned, doubtful.
He gave me a puppy look. "Would I ever lie to you?"
Ugh, he and his guilt tripping tricks. "No ..."
"So ..."
"Okay, fine. But I hope I will really get paid, because I'll have to quit at the diner. Again."