"Did you take everything?"
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, for the hundredth time, yes, I did ..." I sighed, to which he chuckled.
"Hey, I'm just trying to be careful."
"Why do we need to use the car?" I asked, still confused as to why couldn't we just fly to Connecticut but had to wake up super early to load the car, and then drive all the way to Woodbury.
"Because it takes longer." Ben chuckled. "We'd have to fly to Boston then from Boston go to Connecticut, how is that worth it?"
"Fine, fine." I raised my hands in mock surrender. "You don't need to lecture me."
He laughed as he finally closed the trunk after having placed in there his equipment as well as our suitcases. "You need to travel more, JoJo."
"I wish." I sighed, getting into the car. I don't know much about cars, but Ben's seemed pretty cozy, and I liked that it was navy blue, my favorite color. He joined me in the car a moment later, and we both fastened our seatbelts in silence for a moment.
"Have faith in your dreams," he claimed as he started the car, "and one day your rainbow will come smiling thru; no matter how hard your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true."
I furrowed my eyebrows, staring at him. "Cinderella, really?"
He laughed, shrugging. "It does the trick."
"I didn't know you were into old fairy tales."
"I'm not," he started driving, "but it's one of Elle's favorites."
"Elle?" Who's Elle now? I don't think he's ever mentioned a girl with that name. He did say he has brothers, but he never mentioned a sister.
Ben glanced at me, a bit flushed. "Oh, uh ... my friend. We casually saw each other again when I went back home for my mom's birthday."
I nodded in understanding. Seems he has a lot of female friends. Valerie, Elle ... I've never really heard him talk about male friends. Then again, he doesn't talk much about his life in Nebraska, just about the stuff in New York. It's as if he were deliberately keeping that side of him hidden. Is he ashamed of it? Maybe there's something in his past that he's not particularly proud of?
I took the chance to stare at Ben for a long minute while he focused on the road. Does he look like someone that's hiding a secret? He's pretty open about everything, the only dodging is related to his life in Nebraska, like I said. But I can't see what could he be hiding. I mean, after all this time and seeing how we opened up, I'm mostly surprised he still hasn't told me a word about the person he's always on the phone with when he's at home, but I can't really demand he tells me, can I? Especially not when I didn't tell him about Jeremy either.
Speaking of Jeremy, he was bummed when I told him I couldn't go to the Berkshires with him, but he was happy I found an opportunity that would allow me to leave the diner. He said, and I quote: "that place doesn't deserve you, the sooner you run away, the quicker you can start cleansing your soul from the stench of that hellhole". He's pretty poetic at times, I like it.
So, yeah, he was disappointed that we wouldn't get away for the weekend and that I even had to leave for about a week, but he was happy for me. In the end, it's 12 thousand dollars. I don't think I've ever seen all that money all together.
"I ... didn't thank you for this opportunity." I murmured, biting on my lip.
"Huh?" Ben answered distractedly, focused fully on the road. He didn't even have time to shave, the stubble was becoming a beard, and his glasses seemed thick as ever. Did he ever look so, I don't know, normal? I mean your regular cute nerd that doesn't care about how he looks. I can't tell whether he was always like that or it's just that it's been so long and I almost forgot the odd mix of handsome and sweet that Ben is. "You're staring at me." He chuckled.
Blushing, I looked away. "Sorry."
"You don't need to thank me, JoJo. In the end you're doing me a favor. It's a big gig, I couldn't do it on my own."
"Yeah, but ..." how to tell him that 12 thousand dollars aren't exactly small change for me?
"I'm lucky, you know." He mentioned, catching my attention. "I never told you, but ... things weren't going so well."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I came to New York for the same reason everybody does ... you know, it's the concrete jungle where dreams are made of there's nothing you can do ..."
I couldn't help but let out a short laugh. He's so cute sometimes. "From Cinderella to Jay Z. Wow, that's quite the leap."
Ben mirrored my laugh. "Technically I was quoting Alicia Keys, but yeah. I'm not a snobby nerd like someone ..." he winked at me, "I take my inspiration from anywhere."
"Hey, I'm not a snob!" I protested. "I can go from Mozart to Taylor Swift."
"Ok, name one trivial song that talks literally about nothing but has a good beat."
I blinked my eyes, confused but also annoyed, because I couldn't think of anything, no matter how I racked my mind for it. "Uh ... well ..."
"See, you only look for things that have a deeper meaning. You look for the lyrics, not the music."
"But I knew the song you quoted."
"Oh, come on!" He laughed loudly, "this is New York, JoJo! They probably play this song at every other corner."
"How would I know if I don't go out other than when I go grocery shopping or to and from work?"
"You live in Brooklyn."
"Yeah, and?"
"He literally starts with I'm out that Brooklyn ..." of course he kept laughing, "you wanna tell me you've heard it nowhere in the neighborhood? Not once?"
I rolled my eyes, mildly annoyed that he was right but also amused. "Fine ... maybe I've heard it blasting from a shop or something like that. Doesn't mean I'm a snob." I pouted a little, crossing my arms.
Ben took the chance to glance at me for a long moment when we stopped at a red light, and he pursed his lips, his eyes raking over my frame. I would have sworn his gaze lingered a bit more than due, but I was probably imagining it. "It's not a bad thing, you know." Ben said, looking back at the road when the light went green.
"Being a snob?"
He smiled. "Maybe snob isn't the right word. Let's say ... you don't stop at the shallow. I mean ..." he pursed his lips, "in a chaotic, loud, noisy world that only looks for the superficial meaning of everything, you dig deeper. It's not a bad thing."
"Why are you always analyzing me?" I asked, blushing a bit. He always sees through me like an open book, I don't get how's that possible. It's not like I've ever given him much to go by.
Ben grinned. "I don't analyze you. I just ... pay attention. Is that a bad thing?"
"Well, no, but ... I mean ..." no one's ever paid this close attention to me, seeing my moods, reading between the lines, looking for a deeper truer meaning ... most people only stop at the shell, the introverted, mostly shy, quiet shell of a fat girl that doesn't know how to behave among people. "I mean ... we'd barely met and you were already all up in my business, trying to talk to me despite my silences, trying to get me out of my shell ..."
"Do you realize how far you've come?"
"Only because I'm having a whole conversation with you? We're friends, I-"
"You made new friends, without my help. And you look just ... freer, you know."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean how you carry yourself around, there's an added self-confidence that wasn't there when we met." Ben pointed out. "And it's not me, or Valerie. It's just you. It's as if you're blossoming, finally. And it's a nice sight, I gotta say," he glanced over at me, his smile unfaltering, "it's a gorgeous sight."
My cheeks went full red this time, because I did catch what he meant. Maybe some time ago I wouldn't have understood, or pretended not to, but, be it Valerie with her 'Womanhood 101' lessons, or the time spent with Jeremy, or obviously Ben himself and his efforts at making me see what I had remained so stubbornly blind to ... I became a bit more, I don't know, self-observant. I'm more aware of myself and who I am. And of course, I'm a long way from finding my true self, but I gotta say, this is a great start.
And it's not about the clothes, or the makeup, or having a boyfriend, or new friends. It's just about the fact that I feel finally ready to give myself a chance. I'm ready to lift the iron curtain and finally explore the world outside my inner self. Slowly, but steadily, cautious and maybe anxious but not afraid. Hell, maybe I'm even ready to dust off the cobwebs from my dreams, and restart pursuing my ambitions.
When I was a kid, I was somehow sure that my future would hold something grand. Why did I stop believing I could make it? Was it the environment? 12 hours a day in a place where you're hated and belittled aren't ideal to thrive, right? But it wasn't just that. It can't have been just Scott and his abuse. Whatever it was, however, I feel ready to move past it, and finally do something with my life. I don't know what yet, but it's going to be 100% me. No more compromising, no more hiding behind the odds.
"You're right." I said, finally, after a long silence. "I think I finally feel myself again."
Ben nodded. "And where's this old-new Joanna headed?"
"Forward. I don't know where I'm gonna go, but it's time to be on my way."