"Are you sure you don't want any help?" I wondered, yet without getting up. I was pretty comfortable, lying on the couch, watching him cook. I wouldn't get up for anything in the world. One week working for Mrs. Wharton killed me almost as much as working at the diner did, my bones have been achy all day.
Jeremy shook his head, his back turned to me, so I had no idea what was he making. All I know is that he came over early this afternoon, and started cooking. I had time to take a shower, feed the cats, lock them in my room so they don't try to murder him, and rest comfortably on the couch. And still, he wasn't done. "That would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"
I chuckled. "I know, but I feel bad ... you're doing all the work."
He turned to me, only to send me a sweet smile of his. "That's the whole point, Jo. Besides, you said you can't cook."
"Well, I can ... just ... basic things."
He laughed. "No basic tonight. You deserve something special."
"What are we celebrating?"
He shrugged, turning back to the kitchen counter, I bet not to let me see he was kind of blushing the same as I would. "Your newfound determination to pursue your dreams?" Jeremy asked rhetorically. "Or your new job? Or maybe ... the fact that after a month we're still here. Your pick."
My stomach flipped at the mention of us. It's already been an entire month. And I guess now with this ... romantic dinner he decided to ambush me with, there's no doubt: we are indeed a couple.
I'm not sure how to feel about it. It's something that 20-year-old me daydreamed about every single day, it almost distracted me from my studies, so much that I forced myself to avert my attention from it, in fear that it would ruin my plans, my ambitions. If I think back, I don't know whether to laugh or what. It wasn't just deep shyness and crippling self-doubt, it was also the absolute certainty that I needed to keep my eyes on the prize, otherwise I wouldn't have made it. Well, guess what, I did keep my eyes on the prize, but I still didn't make it.
"Where are Reese and Shaw?" Jeremy asked, chopping something on the counter.
"Sleeping in the bedroom."
"No dinner?"
I smiled lazily. "You can try to feed them, but they don't really like people." Except Ben and Hope. For some reason my cats only like those two.
"Last time I went near Reese, he decided we're enemies for life." Jeremy chuckled, showing his left hand, which that little rascal had scratched the moment he'd tried to pet him.
"Sorry about that."
Jeremy shrugged. "He'll get used to me. They both will." Did he just imply what I think he did?
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"Where did you learn to cook?" I couldn't help asking after one of the most delicious dinners of my entire life. I've never had much of a refined palate, I'm a pretty easy type when it comes to cooking, and I'll admit my mom was never great at it either, so this dinner ... my God! From croque monsieur to pasta with vodka sauce, then chicken piccata with lemon sauce, and now ... French madeleines.
"It's always been a hobby." Jeremy said. "But I don't really know how to bake."
I grabbed a madeleine. "Is that why you planned a cooking class if we went to the Berkshires?"
He chuckled, nodding, guilty. "Yep ... you caught me. How did you know?"
"I saw the flyer in your car."
"How come, I'm the cop, yet you're the one doing the detective work." He joked, and we laughed together.
You'd think that, me being so helplessly awkward would have ruined everything between us, and at first it almost did, the same as when we were 20. But ... between Ben and his pushing me to get out of my comfort zone, and Valerie with her 'womanhood' lessons, but more importantly the fact that Jeremy is just as awkward as I am, if not worse, I guess we ... work.
There's really not much to say about it. We have a lot in common, and we have fun when we're together, easy fun, without pressure. Actually, the moment we realized we didn't need to put too much pressure on things to go somewhere specific, we started really enjoying our time together. Sometimes things are just as simple as they seem.
"Have you thought about your next move?" Jeremy wondered as he took a madeleine for himself. I already had a couple too many, they were just too good.
I shrugged, leaning back. "With the money from the Wharton gig, I settled some things, and then set aside some for expenses. Ben says he might have something else this weekend. It won't pay as much as the Wharton, but still good enough."
"Weekend, huh." Jeremy grimaced. "I thought I'd have you to myself this time ..."
Cue the reddening of my cheeks. The more confidence he gains, the more he drops these smooth lines I never know how to respond to. "Well, most weddings are on the weekend." I said, trying to sound nonchalant. To cover my anxiety, I drank some water.
"So, you only join him for the weddings?"
"Yeah, only those gigs where he needs help with equipment and stuff."
"Every weekend?" Jeremy inquired, seemingly disappointed.
"I don't know, it really depends on him, you know."
He smiled faintly. "So your neighbor is pretty much your employer now."
I chuckled. "In a way, yeah, maybe. I don't mind, Ben isn't really demanding, although he's fully focused when he works. This week he was so stressed out, I didn't know how to cheer him up. When he screamed like that, at the beach, I really worried for a moment."
"You went to the beach with Ben?"
"Yeah, there was a whole scandal at the ceremony, you know," I munched on a madeleine, "the reception was cut short, we got half of yesterday off, so we went to the beach, to see the sunset."
Jeremy nodded without a word, but all of a sudden, he seemed preoccupied, doubtful. I'm not sure why. He likes Ben, they've talked a couple of times, but at the sole mention of the beach, he kind of clouded over. It's not like he has anything to worry about, I mean ... it's Ben.
"So you have every Sunday off?" I asked, to restart the conversation. Jeremy remained silent for a couple of minutes, which might not be odd for two like us, but it's odd when you're having a date, isn't it? "Jeremy?" I called when he didn't answer. "You ok?" I touched his arm lightly.
He almost jolted awake. "Huh?" He looked at me. "Oh, yeah, I was just ... thinking."
"Thinking?"
"Does Ben have anyone?" He asked abruptly.
I frowned. "You mean family? Yeah, in Nebraska."
Jeremy shook his head. "No, I mean, is he seeing anyone?" He arched an eyebrow quizzically. "Does he have a girlfriend?"
I almost laughed, I swear. So this is why he remained quiet for a few minutes? Me and Ben at the beach together made him think weird things? Come on. Actually, I did laugh, which had Jeremy stare at me confused, so I explained: "Ben has a boyfriend." I pointed out.
"What?"
"He's gay." Jeremy didn't seem convinced, so I explained further: "His boyfriend should join him in New York soon, or at least that's the plan. I'm not sure about the details, Ben didn't say." Personally, I would have told the guy to just come over and try to get a job in New York, live with Ben in the meantime, but maybe they're not at that stage of the relationship yet. Ben doesn't even talk about him, I only know they have these phone calls every night, sometimes it's animated phone calls, as if they're arguing.
"Oh." Jeremy let out a shaky breath after a long minute. "I ... didn't know."
"Well, despite what it may seem, he's a pretty private guy, doesn't talk much about himself."
"I see." Jeremy smiled slowly, finally back to himself. "Well, maybe we can have a double date sometime soon."
I grimaced. "That would be a terrible idea."
He laughed. "Why?"
"Because I prefer to be alone with you." Oh. Did I really say that? Out loud even? Was it the wine? "By the way, I ... I never told you, but ... you know, I missed you this week." Yep, I must be drunk.
Jeremy's countenance seemed to brighten both in surprise and in joy. "Really?"
"Yeah, I ... I didn't know how to tell you, but ... yeah." I chuckled nervously, then stood up to change the subject; in fact I cleared my throat: "I should wash these dishes ..."
"Jo ..."
"You did the cooking, I'll do the washing, it's only fair." I said nervously before he could speak. I grabbed the plates on the table, and brought them to the sink. I felt my heart beating fast in my chest, my cheeks reddening by the minute. I don't know why I said what I said, it was just sitting there idle in my mind, and suddenly it came out. He probably thought I was desperate.
I nearly screeched when I felt Jeremy grab my hand, and turn me around to face him. He smiled gently and, without a word, he kissed me. It felt more intense than last week, more passionate, as if this time he was sure it was the right move. And it was. I relaxed in his arms, and responded to the kiss, slowly and gently. I don't know how to describe this, I don't have much experience with these things, if any at all. All I know, is that it felt like Jeremy had been holding on for ages and was pouring his all into that kiss, and it only felt right for me to do the same.
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BEN
"Yeah, no, I get it, it's just ..." I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose, "it's too early."
"It's been 5 months, almost 6 now."
"I know, dad, but ..."
"You have to understand, your mother and I already have our handfuls with your brothers. It's not that we don't want to, it's just that we're running out of excuses."
"I know, I know, and I'm sorry to have left it all on you, but ... I'm just trying to make sure it's all as it should be, you know."
"Maybe you should just stay here." And there he goes again. "You don't even come on weekends anymore, you need to understand how hard this is ..."
"I do, dad, I do ... but you also need to understand the difficulties I'm facing here. I'm still building up my business. How am I supposed to work around the clock to build us a future, and at the same time stay at home with her?"
"That's why I'm telling you to come back here."
"Dad, come on ..."
"I know you always had big dreams, son, but it comes a time when a man needs to put his family first."
As if I've never done that. It's exactly because I've always put my family first that I had to give up on my dreams and ambitions. And I don't even mind, in the end I wouldn't go back, but at some point I'd like a break from family, too. I don't mind supporting my family, being the main breadwinner, I've done that for over 10 years now, since my dad got sick and my mother couldn't make it on her waitress salary. It's how it is, your family is there for you, you're there for your family. It's natural. But I'm not even 30 yet, I'd like to grab the little chances I still have.
Ugh, who am I kidding. That train is long gone. It would be selfish of me to think of myself when there's Elle. Hence, I sighed. "I'll come pick her up on Monday."
"You don't need to drive all the way here; your brother can take her to New York."
I nodded. It's probably better, I need to sort out everything before she arrives anyway. "Okay, I'll book the flight for both. Now give the phone to Elle." I didn't mean to sound harsh, but I'm exhausted. I've been working long hours to make sure I actually build up something, and I thought my family could hold on at least a while longer, but between my stepdad's sickness, and my brothers, my mom can't really handle it anymore.
"Daddy?"
I grinned at her sweet voice. "Hey, honey. Did grandpa tell you?"
"Yes! So, it's true?" Of course, Elle was excited. She's been dying to come to New York since forever, I just kept on delaying because I wanted to be sure.
"Yes, it's true. You happy?"
"YES!!!"
I laughed with her, but I spaced out a little when she started talking about all the things she should take with her, and the stuff she'd do once in New York. I could hear Joanna sing in her apartment. She's been happier lately, I don't know whether it has to do with this newfound faith her in future, or with Jeremy. Maybe both. I'm afraid that finding out I lied, is gonna ruin all the progress she's made. How am I supposed to tell her that not only I lied about being gay, but that I've got a whole 9-year-old daughter to prove the exact opposite?