JOANNA
Tic. Tac. Tic. Tac. Tic. Tac.
Even the clock doing its job unnerved me. I was sitting in my living room/kitchen/the only other room of the apartment besides bedroom and bathroom, staring at my laptop screen, a Word page open. A blank Word page, more specifically.
You see, I decided that, in order to go forward, I need to have a plan, and to have a plan, you need to make one. But to make a plan, you need to know what do you want, where do you want to end up. And here comes the big question: do I know what I want?
I mean, years ago, when I was a naïve schoolgirl, I thought the path was clear:
1.Get into a good college.
2.Get Bachelor's and Master's fast.
3.Apply for a PhD.
4.Start working.
Pretty straightforward, huh? If only it'd been so easy. Oddly enough, getting into a good college was the easy part. The problem was affording one. I got a scholarship only for one, so it was kind of a forced choice, but a good one. Especially if you consider I met Jeremy there, not to mention two of my best friends. The Master's was harder, because no scholarship ... my parents did somersaults at first, but then I just went for the most obvious choice: student loan, which I'm still repaying and it's where most of the money gained from the gig with Ben went.
I did graduate somewhat fast, that is true, but because I was in neck deep with student loans and everything, I never applied for a PhD. That's where my nightmare at the diner started. Working 12 hours a day in a hellhole isn't exactly a great source of inspiration and hopes for a better future. I guess I let myself go, and in the end forgot what was my goal when I started.
I wanted to be a journalist, back then. But if I look at myself now, there's no way I can be a journalist. I don't think I even want to be a journalist anymore. I do still like writing, but how doable it would be to get a job a publishing house, I don't know. I've been rejected quite a few times already in the past.
Not to mention that I kind of lost touch with that Joanna, the Joanna that was always writing, that edited typos in any written thing she read, that catalogued her home library in different ways, the Joanna whose favorite place in school was always the library.
But even reading became difficult, mostly because on a minimum waitress salary and different expenses to face, books are indeed a luxury. A luxury I tried to carve out a budget for regardless, sure, but when I got Reese and Shaw I had to stop: between vet bills and their food, it was take care of my cats or buy books. I did still have quite the list of unread books in my library anyway.
Now, as I was saying, trying to come up with a plan for the future was proving more difficult than I thought. I mean, how do you answer such a question? What do you want in life? It's not like choosing your flavor of ice cream. It comes with other different questions, like, can you make it? Are you actually able to do that job? How many are the chances you'll be hired?
Okay, maybe I didn't try that hard, back in the day, but it's also true that it's a difficult world. Publishing isn't much open when it comes to hiring, you know. I remember the last one I applied for. They were looking for an editor for fantasy novels, but I was rejected so quick, I barely had time to figure out what happened. Funny enough, I saw that same publishing house looking for the exact same figure a few months ago. I almost applied, there's a different chief now, but at the time I was way too lost in my hopeless pity party. Talk about missed opportunities, I guess.
Sighing, I stood up to go refill my cup of tea. Reese and Shaw were cozily sleeping on the couch beside me, hugged to each other. Jeremy was finally able to switch to day shift, so he'll come over after for dinner, which I guess means I should maybe, possibly, start thinking about cooking for him. But you know, I don't think he should find out my worst flaws just yet, he can discover them gradually.
I haven't seen Ben in a couple of days, he's been busy with work, but this morning he sent me an odd text.
There's something I need to tell you before someone else does
I racked my brain over and over, trying to understand what that could possibly mean, but I couldn't find an answer. Old-ish me would have obsessed over it, thinking the worst, like, is he sick? Is he getting married? Did he break up with his boyfriend? Or, worse of all, he's he leaving for good? I even asked Valerie if she knew whether something was up with Ben, but she said he seems his usual self.
I have to disagree there. I don't know how can someone like Valerie, who's known him so long, not see that Ben has been acting weird. He seems antsy, worried, anxious, as if there's something that's eating out at him and he doesn't know how to come to the bottom of it. I did ask him if everything was ok, if maybe he got bad news from his family â with his stepdad being ill, you never know. But he said everything's fine, he just needs to talk to me, four eyes, just the two of us.
He made it sound like impending doom. Like it's something that may pull us apart forever, which really worried me, but then Jeremy made me notice that it was probably way less than what it felt like, and that it's just that "we need to talk" in whichever version tends to alarm us way more than it should.
I guess he's right, but it still remains that whatever Ben needs to tell me, it's nothing good. Otherwise why would he say he needs to tell me before someone else does? It must be something I need to know directly from him, and that can only be one of the things I thought. Maybe he's really leaving.
As selfish as it may sound, I really hope it's not true. I'm only now starting to piece my life together, and I don't think I could do it without Ben. I mean, sure, Valerie is huge help, and Jeremy is so supportive it's really amazing, but ... Ben is the one that started it all, so to speak. Not to mention that there is this odd bond between us, something that's more than friendship yet it's not, you know, sentimental.
I laughed to myself, thinking about it as I walked back to the couch. More than friends, less than lovers. That's Reese and Carter. Are we Mr. Reese and Detective Carter? Ben doesn't look like the dark and stormy type that keeps dangerous secrets and hides a deeply troubled past. And I'm not a tough and determined single mother with a moral compass that never strays from the right direction, am I? But it's true that we're more than friends. And I like it.
I've spent most of my life alone, partly my choice, partly my shyness' choice, so having people around me now, and I mean people that really care, is both odd and reassuring. It makes me think my life really can take a detour for the right direction.
If 9 years ago, someone had told me that Jeremy Fahey and I would be a stable couple, I'd have laughed hysterically in their face. Hell, if someone had even only told me that Jeremy had a crush on me and he wasn't acting on it simply because he was just as shy, I would have never believed it.
Nine years ago I was an ambitious nerd that knew what she wanted and was sure she'd get it. Today I'm a confused 29-year-old that's only starting to come out of the mist.
Oh, right. Happy birthday to me. 29 years. I have exactly 365 days to make something of my life, to lay down the first bricks of my new path. That's why I decided that today would be the right time to make a plan ... it turned out to be way harder than I thought it would be. I sat back on the couch, and restarted staring at the same blank Word page. What do I want in life? Where do I see myself, 5 or 10 years from now?
â§â§ ⧠⧠â§
"Are you sure you don't wanna celebrate?" Jeremy pouted a little. The fact that he was sprawled on my couch, still wearing his police uniform made my heart smile. For a simple reason: it means he's getting used to me, us, my home, being in my life. And I love that.
"You need to wake up early." I reminded him, eyes on the gift he got me: a beautiful print with a simple quote "inhale the future, exhale the past".
"Yeah, but I can still take my girlfriend out for dinner on her birthday."
My heart skipped a few beats at his words. That's the first time he ever called me his girlfriend. I guess that's one way to make it official between us.
Because I didn't answer, Jeremy winced a bit: "Too soon?" Of course, he read between my silences, like I would have.
I bit on my lips, eyes still on the print. "I'm just ... not used to that word."
He looked for my hand, and took it in his. "We're here, though, finally. I don't care about labels, I just care that we're finally here."
I turned to him, mildly blushing. "So you don't mind um ... well ..." how do I say it, "I mean, you don't mind ..."
"Waiting?" Jeremy smiled faintly. "No, I don't."
"But ..."
"There's more to relationships than sex, Jo. And that's what we have."
I nodded in agreement. It's true, we started really slow, but we're progressing. I have no idea how to be in a relationship, to be honest, but Jeremy makes it easy. We just spend time together, we kiss, sometimes we cuddle, we text a lot, we even have calls, it's just ... natural.
But I was beginning to be worried he might soon get tired of all this, without the other side of things. I'm not saying I'm not ready for it, I mean, I'm 29, it's about time, I've been ready for ages. But I don't wanna rush it either. What we have, it's too precious to spoil it by rushing things.
"Are you gonna say the same thing in a year or two?" I joked awkwardly, trying to relieve the tension.
Jeremy laughed. "Well, I was hoping it'd be less than that, but it'll be what it'll be."
I turned to him, tilting my head to the side, slightly frowning. "You think I'm that bad?"
He slid closer, so that he could hug me and kiss my temple. "I think I'm lucky to be here, as corny as it may sound. Besides, it's not like I've had this incredible sex life so far." He laughed. "You overestimate my charms, baby." Seeing me grimace, Jeremy chuckled, nuzzling my neck. "Right, no nicknames."
"No, it's fine" I lied, half giggling because his nose was tickling me.
"Liar, liar, pants on fire." He recited, pulling me closer into him. We laughed together, like silly kids, until I turned to him, and we kissed. Yeah, we kissed, like, you know, one of those corny cliché movies where the underdog protagonist finds the love of her life randomly and casually, as casually, as easily as I lose hairbands. We kissed like a real couple, like people that actually do enjoy being together, not because forced by politeness, but because they truly choose each other.
I don't know how did this happen. How did I go from a lonely sad New Year's Eve with my cats, to spending my 29th birthday with the one guy my 20-year-old self dreamed about day and night. How did I go from having absolutely no prospect, slaving away in a filthy diner under the thumb of an abusive employer, to finding the courage to start over and pursue my dreams.
When we both found ourselves short of breath, we pulled slightly apart, grinning like idiots. Jeremy did that thing he usually does when he's nervous â he traced the small of my back with his fingers â, and I didn't understand why was he at first, but then he cleared his throat. "Jo ... I ... will you think me insane if I tell you something?"
Did I jinx it? I just finished saying how my life turned upside down and it was partly because of Jeremy, too, and now he seemed downcast and worried. Why did all the men in my life decide that my birthday is the perfect time to give me bad news? Should I expect a call from my dad telling me he and mom are getting divorced? Or that he's got a second family we didn't know about? Or that he's sick?
"Jo?"
Damn spacing out. "Go on ..." I whispered, half hoping I could close my ears same as I did with my eyes when I lowered my head.
"It's nothing bad ... I think." Jeremy said, unsure, lifting my chin with one of his hands, which forced me to reopen my eyes and look at him. He attempted a smile. "I ... just promise me you won't run for the hills?"
I furrowed my brows, baffled. What could possibly make me run away? Unless ... "You have a wife, and kids, and I'm the one you cheated with?" I blurted out, realizing I had only when I saw Jeremy's bewildered expression.
"No." He chuckled, pulling me into him when he encircled my hips. "No, of course not." He placed a soft kiss on my cheek, which was just an excuse to be able to whisper in my ear: "But this, your ... creative mind, the way you look at things from an unusual perspective, this ... this is why I love you, baby."