BEN
"But what happened?"
I rolled my eyes for the third time, but I couldn't raise my voice, because Joanna was sleeping peacefully on the couch. Peacefully after having cried her heart out. "I'm asking you, Valerie."
She scoffed, loud and clear through the phone. "Well, you would know if you paid more attention."
"It's not my fault if I was busy."
"Busy doing what?" That accusatory tone, sharp yet with not loud â typical Valerie.
"Work, Val, what else?"
"What about your boyfriend?"
"My what?"
"Your boyfriend, the mystery guy you're always on the phone with, the one that's coming to New York soon ... the love of your life despite it being a complicated relationship, according to what Jo says."
What the hell. "What are you talking about? I don't have a ... I'm not dating anyone."
"Well, that's not what you told Jo."
"I didn't ..." I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose, "it doesn't matter, I'm asking you, what happened? Why is she like this?"
"I have no idea, she was fine last time I saw her."
"Which was?"
"I think ... on Friday? Maybe Thursday ... yeah, Thursday."
"No texting? Nothing?"
"Hey, don't come at me, Harris. Let me remind you you're the one that has a habit of disappearing out of thin air." She got on the defensive, as usual.
"I'm not accusing you, Val, I'm just trying to understand what happened." I sighed for the billionth time.
Valerie remained silent for a few moments, almost half a minute, then, she inhaled deeply. "Is it that bad? Last I talked to her, she was okay."
"Define okay." I demanded, knowing full well that Joanna is all too well used to hiding what she really feels.
"She seemed happy, you know, new hopes in a new life, a boyfriend, new friends and all." Valerie clicked her tongue. "The only cloud was you."
"Me?"
"Yeah, she was worried about you, you know. Like, he works too hard, he's been distant, is he okay ... that kind of thing."
"Oh." I had no idea she'd picked up on so much. I always focus on her, what she needs, how to help her, I've never really opened up about myself, except that day at the beach.
"She really cares, you know." Valerie said, and I could hear that accusatory tone in her voice again. "She cares a lot about you, Ben."
"I know."
"No, you don't."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Valerie sighed. "I don't think you fully grasp the depths of it."
"If you're thinking she ..."
"No, not that." Valerie cut me off bluntly. "I'm just saying, you have a habit of cutting ties abruptly, and I don't think Joanna can handle that." She inhaled deeply.
I remained quiet, knowing that it wasn't just about our mutual friend. Glancing at Joanna, I made sure she was still sleeping, then I spoke: "I'm sorry, Val. I never said it, but I am."
"Yeah, yeah, I know ..." she faked a laugh, "but it wasn't easy to get over it, you know."
"Val ..."
"No, no, I get it ... people take their separate routes after high school, I get it. But that's the thing, you know, I thought we were inseparable."
We both did. "You know it was ... Val, you know us, our ..."
"Oh, that was a mistake." She laughed but I could hear a bit of pain in her voice. "We were never meant to be a couple, Benny, we both know that. I'm not mourning what never was. But I would have preferred we didn't lose each other like that. You were my best friend, as corny as that sounds."
Sighing, I dropped back against the wall, sliding until I sat on the floor. Reese and Shaw were balled up at Joanna's sides, as if in protection. I should have probably left the room to have this conversation with Valerie, but I didn't want to take my eyes off of Joanna, in case she woke up and needed me. "A lot of things happened." I mentioned, which wasn't an excuse, of course not, but I just wanted Valerie to be sure I didn't mean to just cut ties with her out of the blue.
"You've always had a lot on your plate, Ben, I know that."
With my family, she meant. First it was just me and my mom. She worked triple shift to make ends meet when I was a kid, so she was pretty much never home, I learned to take care of myself pretty soon. Then she remarried and it was a little bit easier, but my brothers arrived, and because both my mom and my stepdad worked hard, I often took care of the boys.
I don't regret it at all, I love my brothers, but of course, doing that didn't give me as much time to focus on myself, especially when my stepdad got sick. He's been battling with it since I was in high school, and he's better now, but the first years were difficult for the whole family, so I did what I could to help, both financially and with housework, everything. "Yeah, but I shouldn't have let you down like that." I admitted.
"Ben ... that's not what I'm saying nor why did I bring it up." Valerie said sternly.
"I know, I'm just trying to explain."
"Oh, Honeybooboo, you forget where we grew up." She laughed, this time truthfully amused. "You think I didn't hear about her? My mom told me."
For a moment I felt like the ground under my feet was shaking, as if the biggest secret of my life had just been revealed. It wasn't a secret at all, but the fact that Valerie knew about it, I'd never imagined. "She told you everything?"
"She just told me you had a new girlfriend and things were pretty serious between the two of you." Valerie explained. "But when I told her I didn't want to hear about you, she had mercy of my poor wounded heart, and stopped mentioning you entirely."
"Val ..."
"Yes, yes, you're sorry, I know. But that's exactly my point, Benny. It hurt me, remember me? The tough kid that learned how to face her bullies? It hurt me ... imagine just how bad would sweet, naïve Joanna feel in my shoes."
That hit me deep. I finally realized what she was saying. This wasn't about what happened, but about what she thought was going to happen. "I'm not leaving Joanna." I said firmly.
"Can you say you're 100% sure about that?"
Well, not 100%. Both because my life is all but predictable, and because once I tell her the truth, the chances that she'll see me again are pretty much zero. "I ... I can promise I'll do my best."
"That's not enough, Ben, not for her."
"Are you saying she spent the past 10 minutes crying because of me?"
"I'm saying you took a girl with no strings attached, and entangled her life with yours. That leaves a mark, Ben, a heavy mark. So be careful how you disentangle that web."
â§â§ ⧠⧠â§
JOANNA
Slowly, I opened my eyes, still groggy. When, upon trying to move, I heard some meowing, I realized my kittens were curled up on my stomach. I smiled at them. Whoever said cats don't love you clearly never had one. They get attached, they love you, just ... in their own, somewhat distant, maybe a little cold way. Kind of like me, I guess. Maybe I was a cat in a past life.
I tried to sit up as slowly as possible, not to wake them up, but my feet seemed trapped. When Reese rolled over, ending up on my side, I was able to see what was keeping me prisoner. Or rather, who. Much to my surprise, Ben was asleep, had shot back against the couch, his hands firmly holding my feet on his lap. And here I was hoping I had dreamed of that outburst.
I literally cried my heart out on his shoulder, of course the dummy would stay here to take care of me. It's possible he even cancelled on some plans just to stay with me. I will never, for the life of me, understand why does he care so much, why is he so affectionate, so protective, so thoughtful.
I don't know, maybe it's that I'm used to being on my own for the most part, having few friends that don't really get all up in my business, that don't dig deep, but I just ... don't get it. I mean, what it's to him if I'm okay or not? Does it really matter if I'm balled up in my room, crying? Sure, friends care about these little things, but ... he takes it one step further, and I just don't understand why. We're as close as if we'd known each other since childhood, and at the same there's a lot I don't know about him, or rather, his past. I guess we really are like Reese and Carter.
I tried to move my feet, but Ben stirred a bit, so I remained still, just staring at him. I shouldn't have let myself go like that, I shouldn't have just wept like a little kid, in the end it was nothing incredibly big. I was nervous and tired, working out a plan for my future is proving to be way more difficult than I thought.
And there's Jeremy. How do I factor Jeremy in all this? Should I? I mean, yes, he said he loves me, but still, it's one month. I'm the type that agreed with Rory when she rejected Logan's proposal, you know. I thought it was smart of her to choose not to settle and aim for her biggest dreams. Well, okay, the revival ruined it, but still.
It was an emotional day, I guess. Between the bad news I received from home, and the anxiety about my future, I guess I got overwhelmed, so I wound up crying. It happens, you know. But somehow Ben is always there whenever I'm down. It's like he has a sixth sense for my negative moments, so that he always shows up to make it better.
I really don't know what is it with him, what binds us so closely, but I know that I can't see my life without him anymore. It's Reese and Carter again, after all. Outside the banter and after the initial 'do I arrest him or not?', they grew incredibly close. More than friends, less than lovers. That simple phrase keeps ringing in my head every time I think about Ben.
I've learnt not to rely on people, they leave, every time, but Ben ... I don't know, I guess he convinced me he's here to stay. On one side, it feels nice to finally ease up, rely on someone, lean on them without fear they won't be there to catch up. On the other side ... like I said, people leave. One day, he's gonna forget me the same as every other "friend" I used to have.
Ben stirred some more, finally starting to open his eyes. I wanted to take my feet off his lap, but he was still holding them. "You're awake." He said with a groggy smile.
"I've been busy looking for freedom." I joked, hinting at the feet.
He chuckled. "Well, I guess now you're in my power." He claimed, feigning an evil smirk.
I half laughed, but then he started tickling me, so I had to force myself to remain calm not to risk kicking him. "No, no, no ... Ben, no ... you have no idea the danger you're in!"
Because he stopped to have a good laugh, I was able to finally free my feet. The dirty look I sent him served to nothing, he just stuck his tongue out, like the silly boy he is.
"I hate you when you do that." I rolled my eyes, standing up. I hate being tickled, ugh.
"So ..."
"What?"
He followed me along the extremely short path from the couch to the kitchen, where I went to make some tea. "How are you?"
I half smiled. "I'm okay, I was just being overdramatic."
"Heartbreak is never overdramatic, it's just normal."
I frowned. "Heartbreak?"
"It was a short relationship, but ..."
"Is that what you thought? That Jeremy and I broke up?" When he nodded, I almost laughed, to be honest. "No ... I just had a bad day, that's all."
"Oh." There was a hint of disappointment on his face and his tone, but maybe I was dreaming it. Ben likes Jeremy. I mean, they don't talk much, but only because Ben just doesn't talk all that much in general. That's one thing I never understood, how he's so open with me but isn't much sociable otherwise. "Then what was it?" Ben inquired.
I could feel him following me with his gaze as I moved around the kitchen, trying to find something to cook dinner with. I've never been much of a cook, but watching Jeremy, I kind of started getting interested in it. Well, maybe only because he wants to teach me, but still. "I told you, just a bad day." I debased it.
"A bad day doesn't make you depressed like that." He pointed out.
"I wasn't depressed, just ... worn out." I corrected as I stared into the fridge. The thing about having a boyfriend that cooks, your fridge is always full of leftovers. Maybe too many.
"Worn out." Ben repeated, skeptical.
I turned to him. "Why did you assume it was about Jeremy?"
"Well, what else could it be?"
"Anything." I shrugged. Having decided to just make a sandwich â I haven't had my first cooking lesson yet â, I went to the cupboard to grab bread and peanut butter. "Or do you think that, just because I'm a girl, the only thing that can make me sad is a boy?" I teased.
"First of all," Ben claimed, coming to stand beside me, "you're not a girl, you're a woman." He said, leaning against the counter to face me. "Secondly ..." he bit on his lips, "well, never mind."
I frowned. "What?"
"Nothing, nothing."
I rolled my eyes. "Come on, say it."
"Well," Ben shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets, "if you want my honest opinion, I don't think you and Jeremy will last much long."
That's one rude awakening. "What? Why not?" Also why did you push me into him if you thought it wouldn't work out.
"Call it sixth sense."
I rolled my eyes, focusing back on my peanut butter sandwich. "Well, he told me he loves me." I didn't intend to spit out the words aggressively, but they came out like that regardless.
"Oh."
"Yeah, shocking, isn't it?" I pretty much attacked the sandwich when I cut it in half. "That someone would actually fall in love with me. How truly scandalous."
"Not really." Ben stopped my hand, so that I was forced to look at him â mostly because he didn't let go as he spoke: "Loving you is easy, JoJo, tearing down your walls, that's a whole different beast."
"I guess you would know," I muttered, lowering my gaze.
Ben let go of my arm, sighing, "more than you'd be ready to accept," he claimed, stealing my sandwich.
"Hey!" I complained.
"You shouldn't be eating carbs."
"I thought you said I don't need a diet."
He grinned cheekily, stretching his arm towards me, half eaten sandwich in his hand. "Come take it back, then."
I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest as I leaned back against the counter. "As if."
Ben came closer, and left the sandwich on the counter, so that he could â surprise, surprise â cage me against it by placing his hands at my sides. "You need to loosen up." He chuckled.
"And you need to stop caging me against things," I rolled my eyes, half amused.
"I can't, it's the only way."
"To do what?"
"To be close without you wiggling away."
What does that even mean? I furrowed my brows. "Why do you always talk in riddles?"
Ben laughed. "I don't, you're just too blind to see what's right in front of you." He reached behind me, I thought to take the sandwich back, so I moved slightly to the side, but that way Ben took the chance to pull me into his arms. The amount of time he spends breaking my boundaries and invading my personal space, anyone would have already been pushed away â literally and figuratively. But ... it's Ben.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?" He wondered.
"You're all up in my comfort zone, how can I not be uncomfortable?" I scoffed, yet unmoving.
"So why aren't you wriggling away?"
"Because it's you." Even I was shocked at the words that came out.
Ben looked amazed. "Have I finally made it? I'm inside your bubble?"
I rolled my eyes, half smiling. "You can be so corny sometimes."
He laughed, pulling slightly back. "Corny is fun sometimes." He flicked my head, "especially when I get to tease you." I stuck out my tongue to him, and we laughed. When it died down, Ben went serious. "So, what really happened?"
"I told you-"
"Ah!" He held up a finger. "Only the truth."
"Fine." I sighed. "Well, you know my family ... I mean, we're not exactly rich." A bit of an understatement. "And this month, my parents had more expenses than expected, so I helped." I shrugged. "Long story short, I'm broke."
"And that caused you to cry ... why?" Ben wondered.
"Well, you know, things start getting better for me, and then immediately stuff happens ... it's just how it always is with my life. I guess I kinda had a bit of a breakdown."
He smiled faintly. "I understand that feeling all too well." He caressed my cheek. "But, as I love being so corny, you said," he winked, "I need to remind you, you'll be okay."
I looked up at him. "Because you're here?"
"As long as you'll allow me to be."
That's a funny statement. "Why wouldn't I want you to stay?"
Ben shrugged, looking disillusioned. "Maybe you'll find out things that'll make you hate me."
"That's something I would say." I chuckled. "Don't be silly, Ben, I would never hate you."
He sighed, pulling back abruptly. "JoJo ... there's something I need to tell you."