"What is it then?" I asked, more and more confused. Ben spent the past 10 minutes pacing the living room, sighing and cursing under his breath. I was getting worried because I've never seen him so antsy. "Ben, come on, it can't be so bad." I tried to pacify, but nothing, he went on sighing and pacing and muttering curses. "Ben ..."
"I don't know how to say it!" He blurted out in a short breath, finally stopping and turning to me. "Hell, Joanna, I don't even know how to look at you."
I gulped. "What ... what do you mean?"
Ben growled, covering his face with his hands. "I lied! Okay? I lied." He yelled in his hands, his voice therefore muffled.
I blinked my eyes, marveled. "Lied about what?" I almost chuckled, because, come on, what could Ben possibly lie about? His eating preferences? Or maybe he's not really a Slytherin, just a closet Gryffindor? But hey, maybe I was right and he's really a secret agent. I could barely hide the laugh as the last thought crossed my mind. Ben a secret agent. How crazy I was to think that. And how much I've changed since we met, even though it was only a few months ago.
"It wasn't meant maliciously, okay?" Ben went on, now looking at me, which made me a bit anxious, causing me to lose my good humor.
"What wasn't?"
"I ..." and there he goes again, sighing.
"Ben, at some point you'll have to spill the beans, come one. It can't really be as bad as you think." I kind of spat, frustrated. It started off as somewhat funny, but the confusion was making me anxious.
"But it is." He corrected, head hanging low, shoulders deflated, as if he'd given up on finding the right words to say. "It's as bad as you could possibly imagine."
"What, you're secretly a murderer? Or a stalker?" I try to light up the mood, but Ben's lips barely twitched in what was the vague resemblance of a smile.
"You remember what I told you when we met?"
I rolled my eyes. "Ben, you told me so many things altogether the first days, you need to be more specific."
"About ..." he swallowed, "who am I ..."
I frowned, but didn't say anything, hoping he would go on without as much of a fuss. However, I was starting to feel this talk was going to go in the wrong direction. I guess it figures. Like I said, when things starting going well in my life, something bad hides in a corner to ambush me.
"I am ... Joanna, I am not-"
"SURPRISE!!!"
Oh, come on, not now. I sighed at the two blonde hurricanes that just irrupted in my living room, obviously half drunk. I should have expected it, it's Sunday.
But I wasn't gonna let Ben off the hook. "Hey, girls." I smiled, standing up. "You know where's everything," I told them, well aware that they â especially Faith â were after more alcohol. "We'll be back shortly," I said, grabbing Ben's arm. I ignored their puzzled looks, and dragged Ben outside the apartment, determined to get this appalling truth out of him, one way or the other.
Once we were out, I carefully closed the door, and dragged Ben a bit closer to his apartment, because I know Faith loves eavesdropping. I didn't really have much time, Jeremy said he'd come over after the dinner with his parents â a tradition for them on Sundays, but he skipped the past few because we were together. It's like Ben picked the worst time possible to confess his unspeakable truth, with the whole world against him. If I was a superstitious type, I'd have thought the universe was sending us signals, telling us not mess with fate by unraveling truths that are supposed to remain hidden.
"So?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. "You were saying ...?"
Ben sighed, dropping against the wall opposite from me. "There's a lot I haven't told you about myself."
"Oh, I know. You never open up." I scoffed. "You let me do all the work." Nope, he didn't smile this time either. Damn, this secret must be really awful.
"Joanna, I ... I'm sorry."
"Ok, but what for?"
I expected him to still deflect, maybe go around, apologizing again, instead, he grabbed my hand, and crashed me into him. I barely had time to catch my breath that he crashed his lips on mine, effectively cutting my breaths short.
Taken back, I kind of wiggled a little bit, trying to pull back, but Ben cupped my cheeks, deepening the kiss. And when I say deep, I mean really deep. Do it like the French, my only friend in school used to say: the right one will take you off guard, he will crash into you or you into him, cage you in his arms, and do it like the French.
I was tense, though. As much as that kiss was stirring every single fiber of me, compelling me to melt in his arms and just bask into the passion that was ready to devour me, I didn't respond. My back may have arched against him, my heart may have been crazier than cat high on catnip, but I didn't respond. Or not as much as everything inside me wanted to force me to.
Okay, maybe I did use a bit of tongue. Maybe I did close my eyes, letting my other senses guide me. Like the smell of Ben's perfume mixed with natural scent, which I could have spotted anywhere. Not because I understand anything of fragrances, but because I was used to it, it was halfway between the scent of new books and citrusy smells.
My fingertips tingled in an attempt at forcing me to grip his t-shirt, but I resisted. I was, however, beginning to feel lightheaded, be it due to the lack of air or to the whole situation. I didn't have the courage to pull back, though, I'm not sure why. Countless questions were spinning in my head, yet the only one I could find an answer to was the same one I'd been asking Ben for the past half hour: what did you lie about?
As if hearing my inner talk, Ben murmured against my lips: "I love you, JoJo."
No. No, Ben, that wasn't the answer, no. The correct answer was literally any other, but not this. Breathing heavily, I leaned against him, not because I wanted to hug him, but because the dizziness I'd been feeling was causing me to almost faint.
Ben took it as an encouragement, though. In fact, he encircled my hips, pulling me into him. "I shouldn't have lied, but I was afraid you'd run away."
And making me think you're gay was supposed to make me less wary of you. I'm not that stupid, Ben. I'm not. I may have been refusing to see it, lying to myself, but I'm not that stupid. A gay friend doesn't kiss you like you kissed me the very first time. I've always been in deep denial, but 90% of the time, I know what happens around me, Ben. I know. Same as I know what's coming next. "But you're married." I muttered, my face half hidden in his neck.
Ben stiffened, his grip on me tightening. "What?" He asked, uncertain, his voice shaky.
"The phone calls, the secret, the whole lie about being gay ... you're married." I pulled back, eyes still closed. I didn't have the courage to look at him. "I kept telling myself it was a boyfriend, because I really wanted to believe you. I thought, why would he lie to me? What could he be possibly want from me that would make him lie like that?"
"Joanna ..."
I took a step back, feeling tears well up in my eyes. "Did you think a kiss would solve everything, Ben?" I wondered out loud, my voice breaking. "Did you honestly think that I'm so easy to manipulate?"
"No, of course not, I just ..."
"Didn't resist?"
"I didn't know how to say it." He murmured. "Joanna, look at me." Ben demanded, but I kept my eyes closed, and when he tried to reach for my hand, I retrieved it. "I'm still me."
I scoffed sarcastically. "And who is you? Who are you, Ben?"
"I'm still the same guy you opened up to, JoJo. I'm still the guy that listened to your rants every time."
"For all I know, you could have a whole family back in Nebraska. If you're even from Nebraska."
"I am. I didn't lie all the way through."
"Oh, so you just picked the things you could say, like a game. True, false, true, false ... is that how you decided what to tell me?" I spat, feeling anger rise up. I clenched my fists at my sides, trying to force myself not to cry. "I believed in you, Ben. And you didn't even have the decency to say with your own words."
"Joanna ..."
"Save it." I shook my head. "I don't even want to know what's true and what's false anymore. It doesn't matter."
"But it does ..." I flinched when he grabbed my hand, but once again, I forced my eyes to remain close. "You always say it doesn't matter, but we both know that's when you're the most upset."
The nerve. I took a step back, gritting my teeth. "Don't. Don't you dare pretend you know me."
"You know I do. I know you better than you know yourself." Ben claimed unabashedly. "That's why I know you feel the same as I do."
"Delusional more than just a liar, I see." I scoffed.
"JoJo ..."
Finally, I opened my eyes â literally and figuratively â, and walked back to my apartment. Once at the door, I stopped before opening it. "Is Valerie in on it, too?" I couldn't help ask. "Does she know?" It would be so fitting, wouldn't it?
"No ... no, she doesn't."
I nodded. At least there's a silver lining in all this. I should have known, though. I should have known nothing was ever true. I should have known he wasn't who he said he was.
After all, how realistic could it be? That your new neighbor turns out to be the one person that changes your life for the best? That that same neighbor would come to mean so much to you, that it's as if a hole were carved in your heart the moment you part from him. What are the chances that in my meaningless life I would find someone that really cares?