"This is incredible." I awed, grinning from ear to ear. "How did you manage?"
"A friend of a friend." Jeremy replied enigmatically.
I frowned, tilting my head to the side. "This friend of a friend doesn't happen to be marrying my employer, does he?"
My boyfriend laughed, pecking my lips. "Maybe." He hinted behind me. "Don't think about it, focus on that."
And how could I ignore it? Before our eyes, there was the most beautiful sunset I've ever witnessed. Back home I was always getting lost in it, I purposely went outside for it, it was one of the very few things that brought me joy back there. And to find something just as incredible here now ...
When Jeremy convinced me to get away for a weekend, I had no idea what was he planning, and given my recent dilemmas, I was reluctant. But when we reached the lake house, I forgot about everything else. I guess Elizabeth Bennet was right when she said, what are men to rocks and mountains? We hassle and fret, still thinking we're the center of the universe, but in the end, we're nothing compared to Mother Nature. Nothing. It's not that we lose meaning, though. If anything, we gain more.
"Thank you." I murmured, unable to take my eyes off of the last traces of sun, which was going to sleep.
"Anything for you." Jeremy said, embracing me from behind, to place a small kiss on my left cheek.
Anything, he said. In other circumstances that promise would have been void of any meaning, but when faced with the grandiosity of our world, it's difficult not to read into three simple words more than I would normally allow myself to. If I ever had any desire for romance, any dreams at the very back of my skull, Jeremy nailed it 100%.
I guess that's why I turned around in his arms and, having placed my hands on his shoulders, I nodded against his forehead. "Okay."
He was puzzled. "Ok, what?"
I chuckled a bit, feeling lightheaded yet ever so sure of my choices. "Jay, we're all alone in a lake house in Canada, and that was the most beautiful, most romantic sunset ever seen ..."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it, I ..."
"Jay ..." I pecked his lips, grinning. "Read between the lines, silly."
"That's never been my strong suit."
I chuckled. "Okay," I lightly raised on my tiptoes because he's taller than me, and I whispered in his ear: "I'm ready."
"You ..."
"Yes."
"No." A different voice interjected. Behind Jeremy, I could see him, looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to make up my mind. "We both know that's not it."
Time seemed to freeze, because Jeremy wasn't moving, he didn't move an inch even when I let go of him. "This isn't fair." I sighed.
"And choosing comfort over love is?"
"I'm not ..."
"Now who's the liar ..."
"I am ... I am ... I am ... I am ..."
"You're what?"
I screeched when, upon opening my eyes, I found someone in my line of sight, staring at me so close that I almost felt violated. "Valerie!" I screamed, sitting up and covering myself with the sheets, even though I was fully clothed. Stupid dreams.
"Surprise ..." she feigned enthusiasm. She was clearly mad at me.
"What are you doing here? How did you get in?"
She shrugged, standing up properly. "Ben gave me your key."
"What ..."
"You'd given him a backup key, he gave it to me ... why didn't he return it to you?" Valerie inquired.
"Well, I-uh ..."
"Cut the crap." She crossed her arms over her busty chest, looking at me sideways. "What's going on between you two? He comes telling me he has a daughter that's living with him now, and you two broke off, you don't want to see him ... what the hell is happening here?"
I wish I knew, Val, I really wish I knew. Sighing, I raked a hand over my face. "Ben, he ... aside from all the lies about being gay and hiding Elle from me, he ... well, he ..." I couldn't even bring myself to say it out loud.
"He what?"
I sighed once more, lowering my glance. For some reason I felt ashamed. "Ben told me he loves me."
"And?" Valerie scoffed, impatient.
"What do you mean, and? What's there to add?"
"Well, when a guy claims to love you, usually there's either a messy heart-wrenching breakup or a super mushy recount of how you two declared undying love to each other."
I frowned. She wasn't surprised, at all. "You knew?" I looked up at her.
Valerie chuckled for the first time today, sitting on the side of my bed. "Oh, honey, everybody knows."
"Everybody?"
"Well, everybody except Jeremy, I assume, otherwise he wouldn't be so chummy with his rival's daughter." Valerie claimed, then laughed to herself. "Then again, your boyfriend's such a nice guy that he probably would be regardless."
"There's nothing wrong about being a nice guy." I defended.
"A little bit boring, if you ask me, but sure, nothing wrong at all."
"Val ..."
"Get up. You slept for a whole weekend, the first thing you need is a shower."
"How ..."
"Jeremy." She shrugged. "God, he's such a goody-two-shoes. Don't you get sick of it?"
I rolled my eyes. She prefers the bad boy type. "Not at all."
Valerie sent me a side glance that I would have sworn was hiding a half impish smirk. "Does that mean you wouldn't mind enduring it for the rest of your life?"
When I say I gasped, I probably don't fully convey just how loud. Valerie laughed when I covered my mouth with my hand, in shock. "Are you crazy??!"
"What? At this point, you should know."
"You're being unnecessarily mean, Val." I shot her a glare. "You know how ... well, it's ..."
"That's the point. I don't know." She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "You and Ben have locked yourself within your own selves, so I don't know."
"I just told you ..."
"Everything?"
"Well, yes, I mean ... the general lines."
"Case in point."
"Val ..." I sighed, raking a hand over my face. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, yeah ..."
"No, I really am sorry. I guess that ... between Jeremy, and the drama with Ben, not to mention the new job, I kind of fell behind in other things. I'm sorry."
Valerie stared at me for the longest time, trying to force herself not to budge, but in the end she did, smiling. "Ugh, when you pout like that, it's impossible to stay mad." I protested a bit when she ruffled my hair the way you do to a puppy, but she ignored it.
It's true that I haven't been a great friend. Most of my time was spent either working or with Jeremy, or trying not to go insane thinking about the disaster with Ben. Faith and Hope are used to us not hearing from each other frequently, but with Valerie we started off already being always together, having our girls only days. I actually miss those.
As if on cue, Valerie said: "Come on, get ready. It's Pink Ladies time!"
I hate that name. Don't get me wrong, I like Grease, but I absolutely loathe the color pink. However, Valerie was all too happy about it, so I just let it be. I guess some time alone with her might do me good.
â§â§â§â§â§
"I hate you so much." I groaned, directed at Valerie. As a response, she grinned. When she said our day out would be in Coney Island, I was a bit confused, because normally it's all about shopping and pampering ourselves: a theme park sounded unusual. And there was a reason for it. The reason was walking up to us right now, hand in hand with his 9-year-old daughter.
"Hi." Ben greeted, clearly feeling awkward.
"Hi!" Elle greeted mostly Valerie, hugging her tight. It's kind of ironic that pretty much anyone else is bonding with this little girl, yet the one person that should, namely me, is avoiding her at all costs.
Then again, her dad keeps out of my sight as much as it's humanly possible, the only reason we see each other sometimes is because Jeremy and Elle have become friends and do spend time together.
Again, the irony: my boyfriend becoming best friends with his rival's daughter. I wonder if Valerie is right, if Jeremy really has no clue about the situation between me and Ben, or he's just pretending.
While Valerie and Elle hugged, Ben sent me an apologetic look. Clearly, he didn't know about this meet up either. Our mutual friend probably guilt tripped him into spending a day in Coney Island to bond with his daughter.
"Joanna, you remember Elle, right?" Valerie The Evil One said, so that all eyes fixated on me, including the little girl's ones.
"Of course." I nodded, embarrassed, attempting a smile. "How are you?" I asked the kid.
She shrugged. "How is Shawy?"
Apparently, she spends a lot of time with my cats. "She's at home with her brother, they were sleeping when I got out."
"Can I come see her later?"
Uh oh. "Of course." How can you say no to such a cute and polite 9-year-old? Needless to say, Elle grinned, beaming with happiness, and turned to her dad, confirming her glee with him. I released a breath I didn't know I had been holding back, which Ben noticed. I tried to remain calm, but this day would be long and exhausting.
â§â§â§â§â§
I was right. A day spent in Coney Island is exhausting on its own, when you add that it's spent with who you thought was your best friend yet turned out to be a) a liar; b) a potential love interest, given the feelings he confessed; and with his daughter, you understand that I couldn't wait to crawl on bed and wake up next week.
I'll admit that it wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be, that is true. Valerie tried to sneak away, to make sure just the three of us would spend the whole day together, but I managed to avoid that. However, I did spend some time alone with Elle. She's a nice kid.
I'm not great with adults, imagine with children, but Elle is smart and cute, not to mention open and kind. You can see a lot of her dad in her character. She may be physically all her mother, but everything else is Ben to a tee.
"She's incredible." I murmured to him while we watched Valerie and Elle on the carousel.
"Thanks." Ben replied dryly.
When I turned to him, I noticed he wasn't even looking at me. He's been mostly quiet for the whole day, actually. I would have wanted to do something about it, talk things out, but I didn't know where to start, and even if I did, his daughter was always nearby. "Ben ..." I started, biting on my bottom lip.
"Please, don't." He shook his head. "I'm glad you and Elle get along, but you and I, it's fine. Leave it be."
"But ..." Did that mean what I think it meant?
"Look, Joanna, I'm sorry I lied. I faced things in the worst possible way, and I apologize for that. I should have been upfront."
"I know, and I understand, but ..."
"We're moving to Boston."
"WHAT??" Oh, I definitely screamed, so loud that people nearby heard me even over the noise of the amusement park.
Ben shrugged. "Elle doesn't like New York."
"That's not true, and you know it." I blurted out. She told me she loves New York. Yes, it's different, she can't really go wherever she wants because you know, it's a dangerous city and her dad never leaves her unsupervised, but she loves it here. She's made friends in school, she and Jeremy have fun together, more than she does with her babysitter, and she loves spending time with my cats.
Ben turned his back to the carousel, sighing as he leaned against the balustrade behind us. "It's better this way."
"So you're gonna deprive your daughter of her friends, you're gonna take her away from something she loves, just on a whim?" I couldn't help myself. It's not fair. First, he says he'll wait, then he just goes and decides to leave. Yes, I can be a pain, yes, I am difficult, and these weeks have been absurd.
I know I didn't go easy on him. But did he expect me to take everything in a stroll? Be happy he lied, or content he apologized? Did he expect me to just drop Jeremy in the blink of an eye the moment he snapped his fingers? He was the one that pushed me into Jeremy in the first place! It's better this way, he said, after that kiss. Now I know what he meant.
"A whim?" Ben spat, angry. "A whim? You think this," he pointed at me and him, "is a whim?!"
Us? Me? I'm the reason for him to want to leave New York? "I ..."
"What happened to you, Joanna? Why is it so difficult for you to understand? What makes you so damn obstinate and blind?"
"Hey, I ..."
"Your boyfriend tells you he loves you, and what's your answer? Nothing. Your best friend has feelings for you, and you say it's not real. What could possibly have made you so blind to everyone else's feelings, including yours??"
Where do I begin? "You wouldn't understand." I murmured. He didn't quite yell, but there were a lot of people around us, and for the second time, he made me feel like hiding in a corner or turning invisible.
"Try me." Ben scoffed, turning to me, now slightly calmer, albeit still ticked off.
"Ben ..."
"I'm serious." He said. "I'm the person that knows you the most, compared to everyone else, your parents included," that is true, "yet I still have no clue as to why are you so closed off? Why is there such a barrier between you and whoever tries to love you? Why is it so hard for you to actually believe that someone freely and unconditionally wants to be in your life?"
I felt the tears prickle behind my eyes, but I didn't want to cry, nor did I want to admit it out loud. It wasn't the right place nor the right moment. If there would ever be one. "You claim to know me," I murmured, voice somewhat broken, "yet you keep on doing this, you keep on putting me on the spot."
"I didn't mean to raise my voice." Ben sighed, raking a hand over his hair. "But you need to understand how frustrating this whole situation is."
"I do. But do you see my side of things?" I forced my self to swallow the tears that so badly wanted to fall, and I looked up at him. Suddenly, it felt as if we were alone, no one else around. "Do you understand how complicated it is for me?"
"No." Ben dug his hands in his pockets, his penetrating gaze was scorching. "No, I don't. Because again, I am not privy to that insane world that hides behind your shy girl façade."
That's bullshit, and he knows it. "You are." I bit my lips to stop those stupid tears. "You always have been."
"As much as I tried, I still failed." He shrugged. "And it's probably my fault. I went at it wrong."
"No ..." Ugh, stupid tears were starting to fall. "I ..." I looked around, feeling my cheeks enflame because people were staring at me, or at least I felt they were. I felt as if the whole world was staring at me, making fun of me, and in my ears I kept hearing my mom scoff "what are you crying for? Are you a child? Only children cry". God knows I love my parents, but they've never understood me.
"Staying will just be worse for the both of us, Joanna, you know that." Ben went on.
I shook my head forcefully. "No ..." I had so many things to say, yet I didn't know how to, or where to start. When tears began falling ineluctably, being visible, I covered my face with my hands, feeling overwhelmed, close to hyperventilating.
I could feel it coming, but I wasn't gonna put on a show for all the tourists around me, no. However, I couldn't leave either. Not until I fixed things with Ben. I couldn't let him leave without making amends. Actually, I couldn't let him leave at all.