Blindly, because tears were fogging my sight, I grabbed his hand, and started running. I wasn't sure where to go, I just ran, Ben on tow, until I found a secluded enough place for us to speak privately. Unfortunately, that place turned out to be a not particularly pleasant bathroom, but oh well.
Sighing, I fell against the wall of a stall where I'd dragged Ben. It was way smaller than I thought at first. It was hard not to brush against each other, but luckily the bad smell averted my attention from that. I placed my hand over my heart, trying to catch my breaths. Ben was busy being a dad â calling Valerie to let her know the aliens hadn't abducted us, his daughter wasn't orphan.
I didn't think things through, though. When Ben looked at me expectantly, wanting to know why did I drag him into a smelly bathroom stall, why were my cheeks tear-stained, I felt cornered.
He knew it was an anxiety attack, and he knew there wasn't much to do other than the one thing he always did â hug me. This time, however, he didn't try to. However, before I could think the worst, he read my mind: "If I touch you now, I'm not gonna be held responsible for what follows."
I frowned, baffled. "What ..."
He leaned against the wall opposite to me. "We're in a small bathroom stall, barely inches away from each other."
"It was the first place I found, it's smelly, but ..."
"JoJo." He stopped me. "If there's one thing you've never even noticed, is just how difficult it was not to kiss you every time you were in my arms. You think the smell of a dirty bathroom would be a deterrent? Not even your vomit that time you almost threw up on me was enough."
"Gross."
He chuckled for the first time today, and my heart slowed down a bit after the frenzy of the race and the quasi-anxiety attack. "It's called love." Ben claimed cheekily, his light brown eyes fixated on me. "For the billionth time, silly woman, I love you." Contradicting his own words, he grabbed my hand, and pulled me into him. "And you love me back."
And there goes the heart restarting its race. "I ..."
"Tell me you don't." Ben demanded defiantly, cupping my cheeks, eyes always fixated on mine. "I dare you."
"That's ..." I sighed, trying to lower my glance, but he didn't let me. So, I just closed my eyes. "You're leaving."
"Only if you let me."
I reopened my eyes, this time looking straight into his light browns. "You mean it?"
"On one condition."
Somehow, I knew what he wanted. "I ... Jeremy, he ..."
Ben fainted a smile, caressing my cheek. "No offense, JoJo, but we both know Jeremy is just a parenthesis."
"That's unfair ..."
"Maybe, but true."
"You pushed me into him."
"Because my life is a mess." He cupped my cheek, our lips nearing. "I have a daughter and a family that demands a lot of me."
"And?" I scoffed.
"And ... you're a crazy cupcake that needs to let out some of her craziness. I can't cage you within family life when you haven't even had a chance to live."
"Seems to me, you don't have your ideas much clear either."
He laughed, pecking my lips. "I know I love you." He claimed. "And I understand now your main concern is that I might abandon you."
"You did."
"I gave you space."
"You messed up."
Again, Ben laughed. "Indeed I did. But ..." He paused for a few seconds.
"What?"
"I was trying to give you a choice."
I furrowed my brows, confused. Maybe he needs a recap of all that's happened in these crazy months. "First you make a point of being everywhere I turn, basically deciding on your own that you have a place in my life," I reminded him, thinking of the first weeks, when I was too shy to speak yet he still hung around, doing everything and beyond to carve a spot for himself in my small circle.
Ben chuckled, his thumbs stroking my cheeks. "Believe it or not, in the very beginning, it was indeed about helping my shy neighbor let out her true colors."
"Like you did with Valerie."
"She told you?" He was taken off guard, maybe even a bit worried. Probably because he was wondering whether she'd told me everything.
"Most of it." Ben gulped when I said that, which made me half chuckle, for a moment forgetting our predicament. Valerie told me how she was like me in high school: shy, overweight, awkward; and how meeting Ben was providential because he helped her find her true self. It was an inspiring story, I'll admit.
"Oh, uh ... well, it was nothing, you know, just teen stuff." He justified, seemingly embarrassed.
I frowned, not sure what he meant. "She said you helped her find herself."
"Oh ... that ..."
"What did you think I meant?"
"Well ... it's not really the right moment for this, we were in the midst of something ..." Ben pulled a hair lock behind my ear, caressing my cheek. "Like me reminding you, for the umpteenth time, that I love you."
"Are you saying that just to distract me or because you think if you repeat it a thousand times more, you'll finally convince me?" I wondered out loud.
He laughed. "Maybe both."
"Cheeky."
"Says the girl that dragged me into a tiny bathroom stall to be alone."
I blushed. "Well, I ..." I cleared my throat, lowering my glance. "I didn't think things through ..."
"Clearly not."
I took a deep breath. We have the attention span of a worm. "The point is ... you can't just leave."
"Well, why not? You have Jeremy." Even with those words, Ben didn't pull back.
"Elle likes it here." I completely ignored him mentioning my boyfriend. Because had I acknowledged it, I'd have had to face the fact that I was basically cheating on him.
"She's 9 and this is the first city she sees, she'll like Boston, too."
"What's in Boston for you?"
Ben shrugged. "I have a cousin there. He sells cars."
I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "Cars? You don't even understand cars!"
The jerk laughed, obviously, still stroking my cheeks. "It's a job as good as any."
"What?"
"Well ..." that's where he pulled back slightly, "having a daughter is expensive, you know? Not to mention she requires attentions, and ... I mean, it was nice while it lasted, but ... I can't keep doing this." He sighed. "It's a dream long gone, how could I think it would work?"
"It has so far."
"With many struggles." He eyed me attentively. "Thanks to your boyfriend as well."
"Jeremy? Why?"
Ben shrugged. "He stays with Elle while I'm at work if the babysitter can't make it. It's a huge help."
"Oh."
"But, like I said, children require presence. I'm all she has here, I can't spend most of the time traveling, don't you think?"
"And Boston is the solution?"
"It's something. Having a stable job will allow me to be more with Elle."
"What does she say?"
Ben frowned. "She's 9, she has no saying in this."
"She does." I rolled my eyes. Is he serious? He's the dad here, yet I'm the one that needs to give him advice? I crossed my arms over my chest, leaning against the wall â basically taking the chance to once and for all defuse the highly dangerous moment we'd been having. "Elle is a smart kid, she will understand."
"Maybe, but ..."
"You are unbelievable, you know."
Ben arched an eyebrow at me, seemingly shocked. "What?"
"First, you say you leave because of us. Then it's about Elle. Maybe you're the one running away."
"That's not true ..."
"Given the records, you do have a tendency to disappear now and then."
"You're being unfair here ..."
"Am I?" I don't know where I was getting the courage, but I was sick of the drama. "First you were all up in my business, then we kissed, you basically threw me into another man's arms, claiming it was better that way. Every time we shared moments, you pulled back right after. From the very first moment, you didn't even give a chance to make up my own mind, you lied right away, thinking I would oh so desperately fall for you and it would ruin me because you're a single dad and all that."
"JoJo ..."
Nope, not this time, Ben. You gotta hear it. You gotta hear everything my mind's been tormenting me with. "You ask me how can I not believe what you feel is true. Well, how can I? How can I believe you love me when one day you're here, and the next you're gone?"
Ugh, stupid tears prickling behind my eyes again. But this time no, I wouldn't let them stop me. It was just me and Ben in a secluded place, to hell with precautions, let tears fall, let him understand how much his behavior messes with my head and heart.
"That's not true, I've always been there for you." He defended, albeit weakly.
"You've been there as long as there was no one else. Then when Jeremy came, you took a step back."
"For obvious reasons!" Ben protested.
"It wasn't obvious to me!"
"Because you're so blind you can't even read your own heart!" He hinted at the bathroom stall we were in. "Why did you drag me in here? Did you even ask yourself that? What does it mean? Why do you not want me to leave?"
"I ..."
"We both know the reason, but you're the only one unable to admit it, even to yourself!"
"How can I??" For one of the very few times in my life, I actually screamed, loud enough for people even outside the bathroom to hear, but I didn't care. "How can I admit it when you're so unpredictable!"
"What? I have been here all the time, you-"
"Given how many times you pushed and pulled this cord between us, given how many times you said one thing then took a step back, how can I admit to loving you when I'm not even sure you'll be there to catch me?!"
"How can you not? I assured you in every way I could!"
"And then you backed off!"
"I had to!"
"Bullshit!" I groaned. The stall was becoming increasingly too claustrophobic for us and for the weight of the words we â especially I â were throwing around. I don't think he even quite realized what I just said. I barely could. "First you claim to be gay, then when you kiss me, you throw me into someone else's arms. Then you disappear, and when you come back you drop such a bomb as the whole having a daughter. You expect me to be ready whenever you want me to be, yet you're not!"
"I'm the one that's always been open about how much I care."
"Care being the key word!" I groaned. "Put yourself in my shoes, Ben, were you ever clear?"
He didn't answer. Instead, Ben stared at me for a few long seconds, as if finally seeing me for the first time in â well, I don't know how much time had passed since we'd entered the bathroom stall.
I was expecting him to try to justify himself, or even leave. Instead, a small smile started forming on his lips. "Wait a minute ... did you just say what I think you just said?"
Ugh. I rolled my eyes. "Took you long enough." I grumbled, turning to the side because his stupid smile was unnerving.
Ben pulled me into his arms â something he seems to really enjoy, apparently â, and cupped my cheeks. When he spoke, his voice was low yet needy, demanding yet hopeful. "Say it ... this time clearly."
"That's not the point, I ..."
"That's exactly the point, silly girl." He chuckled, stroking my cheeks. "I love you, JoJo. How many times do I have to say it?"
"As many as it takes."
"For what?"
I bit my lip, trying to be lucid enough to really see what was ahead. But you know, I could only see one thing, or rather, one person. The moment he said he would leave for Boston is the moment the fog in my head cleared and I could hear my heart loud and clear for once. Sighing, I hid my face against his chest, and murmured something, barely audible.
"Louder." He demanded, clearly amused.
As a response, I pinched his sides, causing him to laugh, but I also took the chance to do something I never really have. Hug him. Weird, I know, but I never really let myself go when he embraced me.
This time, I circled his hips, leaving my head on his shoulder. And I spoke clearly, not stuttering, no hesitating, not rambling, no spacing out. I said it: "You can't leave me."
"Why not?"
"Because I love you, Ben. And I want to be with you."