"You okay?" Ben asked for the billionth time.
I rolled my eyes, albeit smiling. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's just ..." I glanced at the building one more time. "It feels weird, that's all."
"It's normal, you've lived here a long time." He said, loading the last piece of luggage.
"Yeah." Four years of my life. Of course, the last ones were odd, but the first two ... it was a shoe box, sometimes stuff didn't work and the landlord didn't want to pay for it, but in the end it's been my home. The one place I called home because I was all by myself and free.
Living alone is not the same as living with family, you know. Family has a tendency to invade your personal space, in one way or another. I may be an only child, but between relatives and neighbors, not to mention family friends, I never really had privacy. So, this place was my true home. And to leave it now, after everything that's happened even, it feels odd.
Ben put his arm around my waist, and kissed my cheek. "We're still in time to change our minds." He said comfortingly.
I looked at him smiling, knowing full well he was just trying to make me feel better. "You know we can't." I reminded him. "I have a new job, you have new clients, Elle has been enrolled in a new school. Hell, even my cats have said goodbye to their old home!" I chuckled. "It's done."
"No second thoughts?"
I shook my head. Ben nodded, and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. We'd have lingered more in that mushy moment, but Elle knocked against the window from the back seat, anxious to arrive. I smiled when I looked at her.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to wrap my head around it, but I'm lucky. Not only my stepdaughter â as weird as that word sounds to my ears â has accepted me without problems, but she's a sweet, smart kid. Of course, she's a bit of a hurricane, hyperactive, as most kids are, but it's not that difficult to handle. If anything, it makes me feel ... more alive, if that makes sense.
I pulled away from Ben, reminding him: "We better get moving, there's a lot to be done." He agreed, so we parted, but he still managed to steal a kiss before getting into the car.
These have been some crazy months. It's been a full year since Ben and I confessed what we felt for each other. What followed, differently from fiction, wasn't pretty.
â§â§ ⧠⧠â§
A YEAR AGO
"Well, I can't say I was expecting it." Jeremy said flatly, shaking his head. "I thought we had something."
"We did!" I protested. "But ..."
"But Ben is Ben?" He scoffed.
I sighed. There was no way this could go well. After I told Ben what I felt, I made clear that before everything else, I would need some time to talk to Jeremy.
Deep down, I hoped the breakup would be civil, which it was, but I could have never been prepared to the heartbreak brimming in Jeremy's eyes. "I'm sorry ... I really am," I said for the billionth time. "I wasn't ... I didn't expect it either. I ... what you and I had, it was real and I enjoyed it. But ... in the end, I ... well ..."
"Please, spare me the excuses, Joanna." Jeremy stood up, then dusted off his jeans, as if he'd been sitting somewhere impure and ghastly. I couldn't blame him, I felt disgusting.
"Jay ..."
"I want to be happy for you, Jo, I really do." Jeremy said, tears choking up his voice. "But ... I don't deny this is a lot to take."
"I know." I agreed meekly. "I wasn't hoping for anything, but I wanted to be clear with you. First and foremost."
"Have you?" He sent me a side glance while trying not to cry.
My heart trembled at the thought of him crying for me. "Yes."
"You said there was only a kiss." Oh, no. "Is that true?" Technically, yes. But it wasn't just one kiss. If we sum everything up, it's at least 3 kisses. "Joanna?"
"I ..."
"I deserve the truth, at the very least."
I nodded, agreeing. "There were kisses here and there."
"When?"
"What difference does it make? It was-"
"It makes a big difference to me. So, when did it happen?"
Sighing, I tried to recall those moments. "The first kiss was before you and I met." It came out as an attempt at justifying, and I felt even more disgusted with myself. It's as if the worst side of me wanted to tell Jeremy that no, I didn't cheat because in the end, Ben came before him, so if anything he was in the wrong. Just how messed up is that?
"Does that mean it started even before me?"
"No!" Oh, God, no. I sighed, running a hand through my hair. This has to be one of the most difficult talks I've ever had. If not the most difficult. "It's ... complicated."
"Just tell me, Joanna." Jeremy spat, clearly angry â and with reason â, "I deserve the truth."
He's right. Of course he's right. "We kissed the day after our first date." Cue the low gasp that escaped his lips. "It was ... I don't know, I was high on painkillers because of the scalded hand, and Ben helped me with everything, and ... I just ... kissed him."
"You kissed him?"
"Yes."
Jeremy let out a wry laugh, starting to pace the room. "Well, this is brilliant. We've gone painfully slow for months, even a kiss was difficult, yet you go and kiss your neighbor. Fantastic."
"Jay ..."
"He's always been there." My ex pointed out. "Ben was always there, even if you didn't know or realize. He's always been a constant presence."
I frowned. "He was my friend."
"Your gay friend. Right?" Jeremy spat, becoming somewhat aggressive. "Isn't that what you told me? Oh, don't you worry about Ben, he's gay."
"He told me he was!" There I went again with justifying my heinous crimes.
"So, you're picking a liar over me. Well, that makes me feel even better." Jeremy scoffed, shaking his head. "Unbelievable. This is unbelievable." He muttered to himself. "The guys at the precinct couldn't understand why was I so stubborn about you," wait what? "I said, she's worth it, believe me, she is. They couldn't understand why would I want to wait so much ... I guess they were right."
"You told your friends about ... our intimacy?"
"You told Ben, after all. And Valerie. And everyone else."
"I didn't tell anyone anything." I corrected him, now offended. "It's called intimacy for a reason." When you enter a relationship, you assume that what happens between you and him, will be private, no? You expect him to keep a secret, maintain the privacy of your moments, not share them with his friends. I didn't share anything with my friends, even though they insisted.
"Relax," Jeremy said, "they kept asking how was it, so I gave in to peer pressure and told them no, we hadn't had sex yet."
"Why would they need to know?" I rolled my eyes.
"That's not the point, is it?"
"Yes, it is." I stood up. "It's a breach of privacy, my privacy."
"Are you seriously trying to lecture me on relationships after you cheated on me?"
"I'm not." I responded without missing a beat. "I'm not justifying myself, nor will I try to. What I did was awful. Even a kiss is cheating, and I thought about telling you after the first time, but then things happened, and I didn't have the courage-"
"That sounds a lot like an attempt at justifying yourself, Joanna." Jeremy spat venomously.
"It is not." I said clearly. "I am sorry for what I did. You have been amazing."
"Oh, come on ..."
"I mean it. First relationships aren't normally as ... perfect as ours was."
"Our relationship wasn't perfect at all, considering you had a side piece before we even started, don't you think?"
I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. He was dead set on believing that Ben was always there, that I was with both of them all this time. But it's not true. It's not true at all. "Like I said, we kissed a couple of times." I restated, as calmly as possible. "Three in total. The first time was after our first date, I was high on meds. The second time ... it's when he told me he loved me. He took me by surprise, I barely had time to realize what was happening. And the third one was, well, yesterday, with the whole ... everything."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"You asked ..."
Jeremy shook his head. "I don't get it, Joanna. I don't. We were fine!" He threw his hands in the air. "What happened?! You said Ben was a friend, and yet his presence was always lingering between us. Even when he wasn't there."
"Jay ... I was with you because I wanted to be with you."
"But now you want to be with Ben. How does that make sense?"
"It doesn't! It's just the way it is! And I don't know how to make you feel better, I just want you to know that you did nothing wrong. You've been the most perfect boyfriend, and you're a great guy ..."
"Oh, come on!"
"It's true," I said calmly. "I'm sorry things went how they went. I wish I could change it, I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, but I can't. All I can do is apologize and wish you the best."
Jeremy didn't speak for the longest time. All he did was stare at me, dead in the eye. I would have normally averted my gaze, but I owed him anything he would find comfort in, so, I forced myself to remain there quiet, despite my heart beating rapidly.
I don't know what I was waiting for, or if I should speak at some point, but Jeremy didn't give me time to. Shaking his head, he quietly made his way to the door, and left, slamming the door for good measure, of course. That signed the end of my very first relationship.
Releasing a breath I didn't know I had been holding, I collapsed onto the couch.
"Done?" Ben asked, appearing at the doorframe. As much as he tried to stay serious, the silly grin on his face was impossible to contain.
I nodded, laying on the couch. "It was exhausting."
"I heard the shouts." He said, entering my apartment.
"Yeah," I sighed, covering my eyes with my arm, "he didn't take it very well."
"And who would?" Ben chuckled.
"Don't laugh." I reprimanded. "It was sad and I feel terrible."
He came to sit at my side. "Because you're a good person." He said, rubbing my belly, which made me half smile. "You did something bad, you apologized for it, and you took the shit he threw at you."
"It was the very least I could do." Then I frowned, removing my arms from my eyes to look at him. "Did you eavesdrop the whole time?"
Ben laughed, leaning over me. "Of course," he pecked my lips, "I was dying in anticipation."
"Anticipation?"
He kissed me deeper. "You're finally mine."
"Didn't anyone ever tell you that people don't belong? What am I, a bag?" I protested teasingly, albeit cupping his cheeks.
"Yeah, yeah ... you're mine, I'm yours. As it should be."
â§â§ ⧠⧠â§
PRESENT
Despite the stain on the first pages of our book, everything ran smoothly. For the most part. Turns out that pretty much everyone was sure Ben and I would end up together. Valerie, of course. Joe was certain from the get go that Ben felt something for me. Faith and Hope said the same. Michelle was disappointed, for obvious reasons, since she's Jeremy's partner and friend. However, much to my relief, she didn't stay mad at me for long.
Jeremy dropped out of the NYPD, in the end. Based on what Faith told me, he restarted college. I don't know anything else because I don't want to know. I thought it would be counterproductive for me to still keep tabs on my ex. Both because I would think about him, and because it wouldn't be fair to Ben. I'll never forget Jeremy â after all, it's true that you never forget the first one.
I turned to check the backseat. Elle was asleep, Reese and Shaw around her as in in protection. I basically have a daughter. How crazy is that? Glancing at Ben who was driving, I adjusted myself on the seat, wanting to nap or just be more comfortable. We still have a few hours on the road.
"What?" He smiled, taking a glimpse.
"Nothing ... just taking you in."
He pursed his lips, half smirking maliciously. "Oh, I think you did that already."
Blushing, I kicked his ankle. "Watch it ..." I hinted behind us, in the backseat."
"She's sleeping."
"You never know."
I rolled my eyes, albeit smiling. The thing is, our beginnings were messed up, but ... we're here, and I am, truly, happy. I can't think of one single time before Ben that I said I was happy. If anything, I was always quoting Jane Eyre: I'm not unhappy. But this ... what we have, our small crazy family, it's more than my heart could have ever hoped for.
We would have stayed in New York, but we decided to move in together, and either apartment, mine or his, weren't big enough for all of us.
We tried to find another place, Samantha even helped me, but ... abruptly, I got news from that Lions Publications in Boston, for which I had applied at the same time as I did for Sam's company. A position as editor had become available, and they wanted to interview me.
It was stressful, I had to prepare in depth on subjects I had almost forgotten since college, but in the end, well, I made it. I got the job.
Leaving Sam was sad, I'll admit, but we promised to keep in touch, which apparently won't be that difficult, because the chief editor at Lions Publications is one of her close friends. Or he's friends with Lucas, I wasn't really listening, too lost in my thoughts.
I guess this is what happens when you give yourself a chance. There's no doubt I was lucky, finding amazing people that decided to stay in my life for good, but I would lie, if I said my efforts had nothing to do with where I am now.
I got the job of my dreams because I am good at what I do. The relationship with the man I love has its ups and down, like every other, but in the end we're more than happy â we're a family.
Me, Ben, Elle, even my fur babies, Reese and Shaw. This all started with them as kittens, being my sole comfort in my worst days, and it continues with them being my stepdaughter's best friends.
In the end, the point is, I believed in myself. I furthered a process Ben had sent in motion. Simply, I became the maker of my own fortune, and I will be reaping the fruits of what I sowed for a long time to come. So, the moral of the story is, it's never too late if you decide to believe in yourself.
THE END
Thank you for reading â¤ï¸