My Fault: Chapter 16

Inside, I was burning. In every possible sense of the word. For days, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking of that kiss at the races, and it was ruining my mood. Seeing her in my own home, rubbing something I couldn’t have in my face, was more than I could bear. She looked incredible tonight; I couldn’t take my eyes off her body. Her legs, her breasts, her long, shimmering hair… I couldn’t take her dancing in front of me with my friends while every guy had his eye on her. I’d heard more than a few of them utter obscenities about her, and I was surprised by how much it affected me. I was usually the first one to say stuff like that when a hot chick was around, but people talking about Noah that way drove me mad.

When I’d seen her with my phone and realized what photos she was looking at, I’d felt pity for her and rage at the people hurting her, especially her ex-boyfriend, but that didn’t mean I’d planned to take her into my dad’s office and make out with her. Obviously, I’d had a few too many drinks and didn’t realize what I was doing until the lights came on and I saw it all clearly. Her cheeks were pink, her lips swollen from my kisses… Jesus, just thinking about it made me want to go back for more. But I couldn’t, not with her. She was my stepsister, dammit, the same stepsister who was screwing up my entire life and had made me lose my car.

I tried to clear my head by going outside. I wanted to stay away from her. I couldn’t sleep with someone who was living in my home, someone I’d see every day and who just happened to be the daughter of the woman who had taken my mother’s place, a place I’d learned to forget about a long time ago.

I stayed outside until everyone started to leave. The house was a wreck, with plastic cups all over the lawn, beer bottles everywhere—a complete disaster. Frustrated, I walked to the kitchen door, where I could see the last few stragglers, among them Jenna and Lion. She was sitting on his lap, and he was kissing her neck, making her giggle.

I almost threw up in my mouth. Who’d have ever thought those two would end up that way? Lion was the same as me; he liked women, parties, races, drugs…but now he’d turned into a little girl’s lapdog.

Women were only good for one thing. If you let it go past that, you’d have problems. I knew what I was talking about from experience.

“Hey, bro!” Lion shouted, and I turned around. “Tomorrow there’s a barbecue at Joe’s. See you there?”

That could only mean one thing: a party till dawn, hot chicks, and good music…but I had plans for the next day, plans six hours away that excited and depressed me in equal measure.

“I’m going to Vegas tomorrow,” I told him, making an ambivalent face he instantly understood.

“All right, man. Have fun and say hi to Maddie,” he replied.

“I’ll see you both when I get back,” I said, and then crossed the house and walked upstairs to my room. There was a soft light coming from under Noah’s door, and I wondered if she was awake, but then I remembered she was afraid of the dark.

Someday when things calmed down, I’d ask her about that. But for now, I just wanted to sleep. The next day would be long.

My phone alarm went off at 6:30 in the morning. I groaned and turned it off, telling myself I’d need to get the lead out if I wanted to be in Vegas by noon. I hoped a long drive would help dispel the bad mood that was lingering from the night before. I got out of bed and took a quick shower before putting on jeans and a T-shirt, remembering the hellish heat in Nevada, which I’d hated since the first time I ever went there. Vegas was amazing as long as you stayed in the air-conditioned hotels, but outside, no one could stand more than an hour in that dry desert heat before it got to them.

As soon as I walked past Noah’s door again, the memory of the night before assailed me. As if I hadn’t had enough after dreaming of her all night long!

I walked downstairs to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Prett, our cook, wouldn’t get there until ten, so I had to figure out how to make a halfway decent breakfast on my own. At seven, I was in the car and ready to take off.

With the music distracting me, I tried to ignore the feeling that always overcame me when I had to see Madison. I still remembered the day I found out she was born. It horrified me to think that if it hadn’t been for a simple coincidence, my sister and I never would have met. My life had been pretty fucked-up at the time: I hadn’t lived with my father, Lion and I had been roommates, and we’d been getting into hella trouble. One weekend we’d gone with some friends to Vegas. I’d always hated Vegas because it was where my mother lived with her new husband, Robert Grason.

It had been painful to see my mother after seven years, especially with a baby in her arms. I had frozen—so had she—and we’d looked at each other for a few seconds as if seeing ghosts from our past. My mother had abandoned me when I was twelve. One day I’d come out of school, and she hadn’t been there to pick me up. Since then it had just been the two of us, me and Dad, no one else.

I’d always had a good relationship with my mom, and even if, when I’d grown up, Dad had hardly ever been home, it had been fine because she’d been enough. I could still remember the hole in my heart when I realized I’d never see her there again.

But that sorrow had soon turned to hatred toward my mother and women in general. The only person who was supposed to love me above all else had traded me for a millionaire hotel mogul in Vegas whose name my father had cleared after he’d been accused of fraud to the tune of tens of millions of dollars.

Dad had told me the whole story when I was old enough. My mother had never been happy with him. She’d loved me, but with every day that had passed, she’d become more and more obsessed with money. It hadn’t been enough to be married to one of the most prestigious lawyers and businessmen in America—no, she’d wanted to get in the bed of that fraudster Grason. The man who’d forbidden her to see me or have any contact with my father. And when she’d agreed, that had been the end of any relationship between us.

That meant my father had gotten full custody and my mother had renounced all parental rights. When things had gotten weird was when we’d seen each other again. I had known that girl with the blond hair and blue eyes was my sister, and even if I’d wanted to pretend I didn’t care, at a certain point, I’d realized it meant something to me.

I had told my father, and he had been even more surprised than me. He’d asked me what I wanted to do. If I’d wanted to get to know her or have some kind of relationship with her, he’d promised to help.

Dad and I hadn’t been getting along great at the time. He’d gotten me out of jail twice, and I had been totally out of pocket. The pretext of helping me with Madison had gotten him what he wanted: to keep me on a short leash.

After months struggling with the lawyers, the judge had gotten me permission to see my sister twice a week, as long as I had her home by seven. Mom and I had no contact whatsoever—it was a social worker who brought Madison to me so I could pick her up and spend time with her. Because of the distance, I didn’t get to see her often, but at least twice a month, I’d take her out and enjoy the company of the only girl I’d decided to open my heart to.

That meant I had to give up the life I’d known before then. I had to go back home, return to college, and promise not to get wrapped up in any more problems. My father was unequivocal: if I screwed up, no more visits with Madison.

Mom and I didn’t see each other after the trial, but it was impossible to act like she didn’t exist. My sister talked about her all the time and told her things about me. That was the worst thing because it meant I could never really break off the relationship. The pain would always be there, hidden deep in my soul. In the end, she’d always be my mom.

Four and a half hours later, I stopped at the park where my sister always waited for me with the social worker. I made sure the present I had for her was visible in the passenger seat, and I got out, walking toward the fountain in the middle of the park, where there were kids running around and playing. I’d never been a fan of little kids, and I still hated how they were so whiny and needy, but one of those whiny, needy little kids had captured my heart.

I couldn’t help smiling when I saw her little blond head from behind. Just then she was bending over the fountain, not in the least afraid of falling in.

“Hey, Maddie!” I shouted, getting her attention and watching her eyes swell as she saw me there, ten feet away. “You thinking of taking a dip?” I asked. A huge grin crossed her angel face, and she ran over toward me.

“Nick!” she shrieked as she reached me. I bent over and lifted her in the air. Her golden curls flew out, and her blue eyes, just like mine, gazed at me full of excitement. “You came!” She wrapped her little arms around my neck.

I hugged her tight. That little girl had my whole heart in her hands.

“Of course I came, it’s not every day a girl turns five years old. What do you expect?” I set her on the ground and placed a palm on top of her head. “You’re huge! How much have you grown? At least thirty or forty feet!” I said, seeing the pride on her face.

“More than that, more like a !” she said, hopping up and down.

“Wow! Soon you’ll even be taller than me,” I said as the tall, tubby woman with the folder under her arm came over.

“What’s up, Anne?” I asked the woman overseeing my visits with my little sister.

“Getting by,” she said in her usual expressionless tone. “I’ve got tons of work today, so I’d be appreciative if you’d bring your sister back on time, not a minute earlier or later, okay, Nicholas? We don’t want a repeat of last time, do we?”

Last time, my sister had cried so much when I’d told her I had to go that I’d ended up an hour and a half late to my appointment with Anne. All hell had broken loose: she’d called the cops, Social Services…and I’d almost lost my right to even see Madison.

“Relax, I’ll be here at seven,” I said to calm her down, picking Maddie up and taking her to my car.

“You know what, Nick?” she said, running her fingers through my hair. Since she’d been old enough to do it, her favorite pastime had been messing up my hair.

“What?” I asked. Despite our joking earlier, my sister was smaller than normal for her age. She suffered from type 1 diabetes. Her pancreas didn’t produce any insulin. For two years, she’d had to take shots three times a day, and we’d had to be very careful about what she ate. It was a common disease, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t dangerous. Madison had to keep a blood sugar monitor on her at all times, and if her glucose levels got out of whack, we had to give her shots or food.

“Mom said I can eat a hamburger today,” she replied with a radiant smile.

I frowned at her. My sister didn’t lie, but I didn’t want to take the risk of letting her eat something that would make her feel bad. And I definitely wasn’t going to call her mom to find out if she was telling the truth. Contacts like that had to go through Anne, and she hadn’t said anything to me.

“Maddie, Anne didn’t tell me anything about that,” I said as I put her in the driver’s side. She opened her eyes wide and stared at me.

“But Mama said I could,” she insisted. “She said it’s my birthday and I can go to McDonald’s.”

I sighed. I didn’t want to force my sister to miss out on something all little kids like. I hated that she couldn’t just enjoy a normal life. I’d had to give her injections in the stomach, and I hated the bruises that the continual injections left on her pale skin.

“Fine, I’ll call Anne and see what she says,” I told her, opening the trunk of the car and taking out the car seat.

“Nick, will you play with me today?” she asked. It was evident to me that the caretakers who were raising my sister didn’t like to play the games she liked. My mother was never home; she was always off traveling with her dickhead husband, and my sister spent too much time with people who didn’t love her as she deserved.

“Speaking of playing, I’ve got a present for you, Princess,” I said as I adjusted the seat. I stretched out to grab the round package wrapped in shiny paper with a big bow that the sales attendant at the store had wrapped for me.

“Yay!” she shouted, jumping up and down.

With a smile, I handed the gift to her. Its contents couldn’t have been more obvious.

She scratched off the paper like an animal, revealing the fuchsia-colored soccer ball.

“Ooh, pretty,” she said. “I love it, Nick! It’s pink, but it’s a really pretty pink, it’s not that little baby pink Mom likes so much. Plus Mom never lets me play soccer, but I can play with you, right?” she shouted, almost bursting my ear drums.

What could I say? My sister loved soccer, way more than any of those cheesy dolls her parents wouldn’t stop buying her.

I looked at her blue dress, her patent-leather shoes, and her lace leggings.

“Who dressed you?” I asked, picking her up again. She was light as a feather; she probably weighed less than the ball I’d just given her. She was like my mother in that way, and just looking at Madison always gave me an ache in my chest. She was a consolation in a way for losing my mother when I was so young. The only ways she resembled me were her bright blue eyes and her dark lashes. She even had my mother’s dimples!

Maddie gave me a sour look—a look she’d clearly learned from me.

“Miss Lillian wouldn’t let me put on my soccer uniform. I told her you and me played together, and she chewed me out and said I shouldn’t be doing exercise because I’ll get sick, but it’s not true, I can play with you as long as I’ve had my shot. You know that. We can play, right, Nick, can’t we?”

“Easy, kiddo, of course we can play, and you can tell Lillian that when I’m here, we’ll play whatever we want, got it? I’ll get you some clothes so we can do it without messing up your dress.” I kissed her on the cheek and strapped her into the seat. She wouldn’t stay still; she kept toying with the ball, and it was several seconds before I finally had her snug and could return to the driver’s seat.

I called Anne along the way and asked about the hamburger, and she said yes, McDonald’s was fine. Once that problem was resolved, I talked to Madison while I drove to my favorite McDonald’s in Las Vegas. Before I got her out, I grabbed her backpack with the injection she had to take every day at the same hour before lunch.

“Ready?” I asked her, and lifted her dress, pinching a bit of skin under her belly button and bringing the needle close to her translucent skin.

Her eyes always watered, but she never complained. My sister was brave, and I hated her having that disease. If I could have, I would have had it in her place without a second’s hesitation, but life was like that: unfair.

“Yeah,” she whispered.

Ten minutes later, we were eating, surrounded by lots of laughter and people with screaming children.

“Is it good?” I asked, watching her get ketchup all over her face.

She nodded. It was nice to see her eating.

“You know what, Nick? Soon I’ll be going to school,” she said, stuffing her mouth with fries. “Mom said it’ll be lots of fun and I’ll meet tons of new kids. Mom says when you started school you used to get in fights with girls like me because they wanted to be your girlfriend and you didn’t want to because you said they were dumb.”

I tried to conceal my anger at knowing my mother was talking about me as if she’d been there for me, a good mother and not one who had left me when I’d needed her most.

“That’s true, but that won’t happen to you because you’re way more fun than other girls,” I said, taking a sip of my Coke.

“I’m never going to have a boyfriend,” she affirmed, and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Do you have a girlfriend, Nick?”

For no apparent reason, Noah’s face appeared in my mind. I didn’t have a girlfriend, but I would have liked to do with her the things you did with a girlfriend. Jesus—what the hell was I thinking?

“No, I don’t have a girlfriend,” I said. “You’re the only girl for me.” I bent over and tugged one of her curls.

Maddie smiled, and we went on talking. It was fun to chat with her. I felt relaxed—felt like myself. Strangely, being with a five-year-old girl brought me more inner peace than being with a woman. After lunch, I took her for a drive around Vegas, I bought her a complete pink-and-white soccer uniform, cleats included, and we accidentally forgot her little doll’s outfit in the changing room. The rest of the day flew by, and before I knew it, I had ten minutes until Anne would come pick her up. We were already at the park, where we’d been kicking the ball for half an hour. I knew this next part would be hard.

My sister wasn’t good at goodbyes. She didn’t understand why I had to go or why I couldn’t live with her the way her friends’ brothers and sisters did. She was a mess, and anytime we separated, I was left with horrible sorrow and an unbearable urge to take her with me.

“Listen, Maddie, soon Anne’s going to be here,” I said, sitting her on my lap. We were stretched out on the grass, and she was running her hands through my hair again. But when I said that, she stopped, and her lower lip started to tremble, just as I had feared.

“Why do you have to go?” she asked with glassy eyes, and the pain struck to the depths of my heart.

“Hey, why are you crying?” I said. “We always have such fun when I come here. If I lived here all the time, you’d get bored of me.” I wiped her tears away with a finger.

“I wouldn’t get bored,” she said, heaving slightly. “You love me, you play with me, and you let me do fun stuff. Mom won’t let me do almost anything.”

“Mom’s just worried about you. Anyway, I promise you I’ll come more often.” As I told her this, I swore to myself I really would. “How about I try to be here when you start school?”

Her eyes lit up.

“But Mom will be there.”

“Don’t you worry about that,” I said, calming her down, just as I saw Anne walking up the cobblestone trail.

I got up with Maddie in my arms, and she turned and saw the social worker.

“Don’t go!” she screamed, crying like mad and hiding her head against my neck.

“Come on, Madison, don’t cry,” I said, trying to keep my own feelings under control as well. “It’s okay.” I hated seeing her like that. I rubbed her back, trying to console her.

“No! Stay with me! We can keep playing!” she begged. My T-shirt was wet with her tears. By then we had reached Anne, who stretched out her arms to take Maddie away from me. But I stepped back. I wasn’t ready to let her go.

“If you stop crying, I’ll bring you a very special present next time. What do you say?” I proposed, but she just went on howling with her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I struggled to get free of her; she was clinging with all her might.

“Time to hand her over,” Anne said impatiently.

I hated that woman.

“Maddie, you’ve got to go,” I said, trying to calm her down. Only after a minute did I pull hard enough to get her off me, and I saw her face streaked with tears. Her curls were glued to her forehead.

Anna took her in her arms, and she reached out, shouting my name.

“You should go, Nicholas,” Anne said, carrying her away. I wanted to grab Maddie from her and take her far away, where I could care for her and give her the love I knew she needed.

“I love you, Princess, see you soon,” I said, walking over to kiss her on the head and then turning around and not looking back. My sister’s wails were the only thing I could think of during the six hours it took me to drive back to Los Angeles.