My Fault: Chapter 18

I was light-headed as I left her there. I didn’t think any girl had ever affected me as much as Noah. That was nice, but it also irked me. I’d always liked having control over everything, especially the women around me. I always knew how they’d react. I always knew they’d want me. Noah was different. All you had to do was look at her to see she was the opposite of the people I’d grown up with and those I surrounded myself with now. I still couldn’t understand how, with the chance to blow my father’s money, she kept insisting on wearing simple clothes or driving that dangerous piece of junk. She was even looking for a job. I couldn’t stop trying to figure her out. Beyond that, there was the physical attraction I felt for her. Every time she was in front of me, I wanted to kiss and caress her. I had done it when I was drunk, not knowing what I was doing, and now all I could think about was repeating the experience. That was why she was here with me that night. I had been about to kiss her when Jenna and Lion had shown up. I’d planned on spending the whole night with her. What the hell did a fight matter when I could be kissing those soft lips?

It was funny to see how she reacted when I touched her. I almost lost control that first night, hearing those soft moans come from her as we kissed. And there we were again, and I was asking myself why the hell I’d invited her to watch me going to town on one of the biggest idiots I’d ever met. Her face had been horrified when she’d found out what we were up to. Still, it was nice to see her there. And funny because she didn’t fit in one bit.

I walked off into the abandoned building we used for those events. Fights had been a part of my life ever since I met Lion. He was talented, and I’d learned almost everything he knew. My fury might have been more intense than his, though, and that was why almost no one ever beat me. I had an easy time finishing most of my opponents. When I was fighting, all my senses were focused on winning—nothing else mattered—and that helped me center myself, get rid of all the shit I was carrying around inside. Today, I needed it especially: I was torn up after that last visit with my sister, even more so when I found out she’d be on her own a whole week while her parents took off for Barbados. I couldn’t understand how a parent could just abandon her first child without any sort of remorse and then do the same thing all over again with her young daughter… It drove me crazy.

It could get dangerous here if you didn’t watch out, so I usually just showed up, won my fight, got the money, and left. Most people hung around for the afterparty, which was full of drugs and alcohol. I wasn’t into that, and I kept a cool head as I took off my shirt and entered the ring.

Greg was a big guy, a gym rat, and we’d never gotten along. Before I showed up, everyone had him up on a pedestal, and when he fought me, he gave it his all. His weak point was his technique; he was all brute strength, and I’d never had much trouble slipping his punches. A.J. was a whole different story. He and Lion had history. Once A.J. had tried to rape Jenna at a club. Thank God I had been there with her and gotten rid of him before things could go south. Lion hadn’t known Jenna then, but when they’d started going out and she had told him, he had nearly beaten A.J. to death.

Everybody was gathered around the ring. Bets were live, and that would only make the crowd shout and whistle louder. I started jumping in place, trying to warm up, while Greg entered from the opposite end. He gave me a hateful, bloodthirsty look, and I had to try not to smile, knowing in ten minutes I’d be done with him.

The guy in charge of the money shouted my name and Greg’s, and a minute later, the fun started. Greg had a bad habit: he threw haymakers right from the bell, and he always got tired early. You just needed to know how to wait to attack. The first time I lurched forward, I landed a body blow. Everyone shouted wildly afterward when he bent over and I kneed him in the nose. The adrenaline had kicked in, and I felt capable of anything. Greg recovered and tried to hit me again, this time in the face. I smiled as I dodged it and got him in the right eye.

It was a stiff one, and he fell to the floor, which gave me the opportunity to kick him again, but what was the fun in kicking a man when he was down? Greg got back up, danced around, shoved me, grazed my right cheek. But I fired back with a punch that left him flat on his back, and this time, he couldn’t get up.

The euphoria of victory did me good. I was glad to know I had the strength to get the finish.

Everyone was shouting my name, and people pressed in around the ring trying to reach me. But I jumped out and went straight to get my prize money. The purse was five grand, and once I’d stuffed it into my jeans, I went to look for Lion. He was in the last row with Jenna and a group of friends, getting ready for his grand entrance. It was more relaxed there than in the front. Nobody there was pushing or shoving.

My heart sped up involuntarily when I reached them and saw Noah was gone. I looked around and couldn’t see her anywhere.

“Where is she?” I asked Lion, my body tensing up again.

He grinned.

“It was too much for her. When she saw you get hit, she went outside,” Jenna said.

“I’m going to go find her. Jenna, you stay with the guys.”

Noah was sitting against the wall by the door hugging her knees. I didn’t like the expression on her face. I threw on my T-shirt as I got closer. Her eyes focused first on my torso and then on the small cut on my face.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I said, a little disappointed that she hadn’t seen me finish my opponent.

She stood up, glowering.

“What you’re doing in there… It’s not for me.”

I guessed she was scared. I hadn’t thought it would affect her so much. Any other girl would have seen what I’d done and thrown herself straight into my arms, but Noah…

“Fights aren’t your thing, I get it,” I said, and tried to be gentle as I put my arm around her neck. Noah was like someone from another planet: there were times when she was hard as a rock, not hesitating to punch me square in the face, but then she could be so small and fragile that I couldn’t resist the urge to take her into my arms.

I tickled the back of her neck, and she looked up, about to say something, I thought, but before she could, I bent over to kiss her and pull her into me.

She melted in my arms, just as I wished. I liked feeling how her body reacted when I touched her. Her fingers sank into my damp hair, and I had to struggle to keep from touching her all over.

When I pulled away a moment later, she looked at my cut and ran her fingers over the swelling. That soft but significant caress made me feel something strange inside.

“I hated every second you were up there,” she said. I knew she was telling the truth. Noah cared about me, and that was something so strange and so new that it took me aback.

“This is who I am, Noah,” I said, letting her go.

“Why do you do it, though? I don’t understand. You’ve got more than enough money, you don’t need it—”

“Lion does though,” I cut her off, on the defensive now.

She seemed to grasp that, but still, I felt I needed to add something.

“I don’t do it just for the money. I like to fight. I like to know I can stop the person in front of me. That I have control of the situation. I can tell what you’re getting at, but if you think I’m going to stop doing these things just because you and I—”

“Because you and I what?” she interrupted me. “What’s the end of that sentence?”

I couldn’t answer. I didn’t even know what was happening. I just knew it was a mistake. Noah was a simple girl, the kind you’d give flowers to and candies in a heart-shaped box, and that just wasn’t me. The mere thought of it was ridiculous. But the problem was all my misgivings vanished when I had her close. I knew I shouldn’t kiss her, touch her…but I couldn’t help it. She was right: I was the one who was looking for her.

“It’s fine, Nicholas, don’t say anything. I know who you are. I’m not going to expect anything more from you than what we have right now.”

I turned around and went back inside to watch Lion’s fight.

What did she mean, she knew who I was? I didn’t like the sound of it. I felt gripped by anger, but I couldn’t say exactly why.