My Fault: Chapter 23

A whole week had passed since the last time I talked with Nicholas. A whole week of work, a whole week without a single message from Dan. For that, I was grateful. After what had happened in the parking lot, Nick was avoiding me. It was almost insulting. When I got up, he was already gone, and when I came home from work around ten, Mom would tell me he’d left just a little while before. It was like all of a sudden he didn’t want to see me anymore, and the worst part was the distance hurt me in a way I could never have imagined. My body was demanding I kiss him again, crawl into his arms, and I was tormenting myself wondering what I could have done wrong, why he was being so cold to me after we had shared such moments of arousal.

I knew he was spending time at home because Mom saw him almost every day, but he only came home when I was gone or late at night after doing God knows what. And so one Saturday evening, which my boss told me to take off because they were closing the bar for three days, I thought I would finally catch up with Nick. I didn’t know for sure he would be home. For that matter, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to have him in front of me.

Escaping from my own mental conflicts, I went to the kitchen.

Mom and I had talked about having dinner that night and watching a couple of movies. When we were in Canada, we had done that almost every night, but since we’d moved, we hardly spent time together. Mom was always accompanying William on his work trips or shopping or organizing endless events or parties for Leister Enterprises. That night, though, she was free: William was going to be at the office late, and she and I had coordinated our schedules so we could see each other.

It was a little after eight, and Mom still wasn’t home, so I decided to make a roast with potatoes. I liked cooking. I wasn’t a fancy chef, but I could hold my own at the stove. I was cutting the potatoes with one of those knives like they sold on QVC when I heard the front door open. I stiffened. I didn’t know it was him, but my heart began to pound as I heard those heavy footsteps getting closer.

When we met eyes, we both froze, him in the doorway, me next to the island where I’d just set down my knife. He looked surprised and then indifferent. I tried to be angry, but too soon I was hypnotized by his outfit, a black suit and a white shirt buttoned low and his intentionally mussed hair framing his handsome eyes.

“I thought you were supposed to be working,” he said when we—or at least I—had recovered from the impact of not seeing each other for seven long days. He walked inside and around the island, opening the refrigerator with a distant air.

“They let me off,” I said, knocked off guard by the incredible attraction I felt for him. My fingertips were itching with the urge to mess up his hair even more and tear off his carefully ironed shirt.

“Good for you,” he said.

“Where’ve you been?” I asked, slamming the knife down a bit harder than necessary, cutting through the potato and leaving a mark across the wooden cutting board with a dull, almost thudding sound.

“Around,” he said from behind me. I couldn’t turn. If I did, he’d realize how out of sorts I was. I didn’t want Nicholas to know about that unbearable obsession that had overtaken me in recent days. It made me nervous to know he was watching me, leaning on the counter. After an intense, uncomfortable silence, he remarked, “Your back’s sunburned.”

Knowing he was looking at me that way made me even more nervous.

“I fell asleep by the pool,” I said, cutting more potatoes, trying to concentrate on my work.

I felt his breath on my neck and stopped moving the knife as he said, “You should be more careful.”

I nearly cut myself, he made me so anxious. But Nick’s reflexes were fast enough to catch my hand. I dropped the knife and looked back at him.

“Why have you been avoiding me this past week?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you.”

I exhaled.

“Okay, we live in the same house and I haven’t seen you in a week. I’d say that’s avoiding me.”

Why did I care, though? Hadn’t I had enough trouble with Dan? Why was I going to jump into another relationship when it was evident that nothing good could come out of it?

“I don’t have to report to you. I was busy.”

I felt the blood boiling in my veins.

“Oh yeah? Well, I hope you stay busy for a long time.” I acted like I was about to take off, but he stopped me.

“What are you insinuating?”

I knew my reaction was the exact opposite of the one I should have had. There was no reason for me to care if he was out living his life. Sure, we’d hooked up a few times. Sure, I was attracted to him, and sure, I’d missed him, but that didn’t detract from all the bad things Nicholas represented.

“Nothing,” I replied. Why was I letting him affect me?

“Noah, you should stay away from me,” he warned me.

“Is that what you want?”

“Yeah, it’s what I want.”

I’d be lying if I said his words didn’t hurt. Now everything had been said. I turned away, promising myself I wouldn’t get caught in his web.

But I wasn’t good at keeping promises.

Work was great to keep me out of the house and away from the emotional burden of trying to ignore Nick twenty-four hours a day. One night, Jenna called me and invited me to a late dinner at a Mexican place, and I was dying for ten to come so I could go home and get ready. I took a quick shower and threw on a pair of shorts and a Dodgers shirt someone had given me a long time ago. I was in LA now—where better to wear it? I tied my hair back in a ponytail and didn’t even bother with my makeup.

I was trying not to think of how little time was left until school started or how weird it would be to be surrounded by strangers at a school full of unbearable rich kids. So that night, I was going to have fun.

Someone knocked on my bedroom door right when I finished getting dressed.

“Come in!” I shouted, tying my Converse, assuming it was my mother there to ask how my day had been.

How wrong I was. When it opened, I saw Nick on the threshold. I stared up at him, one shoe still in my hand. He was dressed in jeans, a black T-shirt, and sneakers. His black hair had the same bedhead look as always, and his blue eyes were staring at me coldly.

“What?” I asked, trying as hard as possible not to show him how angry I was.

“I heard you’re coming out with me tonight?” he said in a distant tone.

I crossed my arms.

“Far as I know, I’m going out with Jenna, not you.”

“Funny. I’m going out with Jenna…and Lion…and Anna.” He put a certain emphasis on that last name.

Why didn’t she tell me? I felt an explosion of jealousy.

“The plan was just to go out and have fun, so fine by me,” I said, tired of arguing with him, tired of kissing and then getting angry with him. It was exhausting. I needed to find a way for us to get along. “Let’s just party and have a good time,” I said, forcing a completely unconvincing smile. His words hurt me, and the fact that he didn’t want to touch me again hurt even more.

He seemed to be thinking over my offer.

“Are you proposing a truce, little sister?” he asked in an odd tone. I couldn’t help knitting my brows hearing those words, “Exactly,” I said, putting on my other shoe.

“Great. We can take the same car then.” Before I could protest, he continued, “Jenna told me she can’t pick you up, and it’s dumb to take two cars if we’re going to the same place.”

“If that’s what’s convenient,” I said, grabbing my purse and walking out the door.

“I would have preferred ,” he said, catching up with me as I jogged down the stairs.

I looked at his T-shirt, which was tight across his upper arms and back. Why did he have to be so hot? Why?

As we walked past the vestibule, I realized I didn’t have any cash. I stopped, not sure what to do.

“What are you doing?” he asked me, annoyed.

In desperation, I made up a lie.

“I think I lost my wallet.” I pretended to look through my purse. I hated putting on a show, and if I hadn’t known he was loaded, I’d have just stayed at home, but at that second, the idea of doing so seemed dreadful.

“Why are you making me waste my time?” he asked.

“What I mean is, I don’t have any money,” I said, making sure he understood.

He rolled his eyes.

“You already made me lose two hundred thousand dollars. Buying you a taco now won’t make any difference. Come on, go get in the car.” He jumped into the driver’s side and threw it into gear.

For a brief moment, I felt guilty, but as soon as I remembered what a jerk he was, the sensation vanished.

The restaurant was twenty minutes away. I watched him in silence as he shifted gears and fooled with the radio. I hadn’t been alone with him since that day in the kitchen, and the feeling was strange.

The station he chose played the worst rap songs in history, but since he seemed to know all the words, I opted not to complain. I looked out the window at all the huge houses we were leaving behind and was surprised when, instead of pulling onto the freeway, he turned north, toward a development next to ours.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“I’ve got to pick Anna up,” he said without looking over. I tried as hard as I could to ignore the horrible feeling those words inspired.

He could tell that had affected me. The tension and discomfort were palpable, and my thoughts turned to all that had happened between us.

“Look, as far as the way things have been lately,” he said in a calm but cool tone. Great. The very thing I didn’t want to talk about.

“I propose we try to get along better, like brother and sister, and forget everything else that’s happened.”

I turned to him, one eyebrow raised.

“You think you’re going to treat me like a sister after feeling me up all those times?”

He clenched his jaw, and his veins danced beneath his skin.

“Like a friend, then, goddammit,” he said. “You’re impossible. I’m just trying for us to get along better.”

“By treating me like a sister,” I said, getting more and more pissed off with each minute that passed.

He glared at me, and I glared back. That burning emotion in our eyes when they met was too dangerous to express in words.

“I told you: we’re friends,” he barked, and the contrast between his tone and what he was saying made me laugh. Thankfully he turned back to the road.

“Fine,” I agreed after a few seconds. I guessed pretending to be Nicholas’s friend was better than us attacking each other twenty-four hours a day, even if I couldn’t trust myself not to lust after him every time I laid eyes on him. I didn’t think was the right word, though.

I said this to him, and I was happy with the term because implied too many things. To be friends meant being together through thick and thin. I wasn’t even there with Jenna yet, and getting to know her had been wonderful.

An impossible-to-interpret smile crossed Nicholas’s lips.

“I’m not so sure about How about ?” Oh, so he was making fun of me.

I slapped him playfully, and his smile just got bigger. It was strange how comfortable I felt after that, in the few minutes remaining until our arrival. It had even been fun, in some weird, twisted way.

Nicholas stopped the car in front of a big house—not as big as ours, but big enough to make a person like me gawk and stare. Nick picked up his phone and dialed.

“I’m here. Come on out,” he said coldly, especially compared with the past few minutes, when he’d been more relaxed than I’d ever seen him.

“You really are a gentleman. You know that, right?”

“I don’t go for that bullshit,” he said, putting away his phone and shifting into first as he saw the door crack open. “A girl is perfectly capable of leaving her house without an escort.”

Nicholas’s date wasn’t too tall—I had a good five inches on her—and her expression was so stiff and snobby that I’d put her straight on my list of enemies. I could still remember her comment about my ex, and it made me livid.

It was funny how her eyes got bigger as she saw who was in the car. First her lips pursed, then she scowled, and by the time she got here, she was actually ugly.

She stopped in front of my window, clearly intending to say something. Too bad I didn’t feel like rolling it down so I could hear her. Nicholas groaned and touched the button on his side, lowering it against my will.

“What is this?” Anna asked, looking at us incredulously.

“A car,” I answered, laughing at her.

I felt a pinch on my thigh, and I was about to slap Nick’s hand away, but then I saw he’d appreciated my remark. He was trying to look serious, but his eyes were shining as he held back a giggle.

“Get in, Anna,” he said, and rolled my window back up.

She stared daggers into me one more time before opening the back door and getting in. She wasn’t used to being back there, and it entertained me to watch her in the rearview acting like a spoiled little girl.

Once we left the development, we finally turned onto the interstate. I was starving, and I wanted to get there as soon as possible.

No one said anything; there was just the noise of the motor and the road, and this time I was the one who turned on the radio. Then I leaned back, crossed my arms, and looked out the window. Anna seemed to have run out of her dumb, supposedly witty remarks, and Nicholas was lost in thought, apparently unconcerned with how hard it was for me to sit in the same car with the bimbo he was having sex with. I didn’t know anything about their relationship, but it couldn’t have been too serious if he’d hooked up with me all those times.

I was grateful when we reached the restaurant on the outskirts of the city on a road full of bars with noisy people milling around. I saw Jenna and Lion by the door, and when Nicholas parked, I ran off toward them.

Jenna hugged me. Lion’s response was cooler, but still, he was friendlier than Nick. I was surprised to see Mario was with him. He’d come to see me and talk at the bar where I worked several times, and I’d gotten used to that smile and those pearly-white teeth.

“If it isn’t my favorite waitress!” he said. But his smile vanished when he saw Nick and Anna come over.

They exchanged an unmistakably hostile look.

“What are you doing here?” Nicholas asked gruffly. Why did he always have to act like such an asshole?

“We just ran into him, and I told him he should come eat with us,” Jenna said, winking at me. She clearly knew nothing about the tension between them.

Before my stepbrother could start a fight right on the spot—knowing him, it wouldn’t have surprised me in the least—I shouted “Great!” and forced a smile.

There was a long line to get into the restaurant. Luckily it was nothing fancy, so I fit right in, unlike Anna in her heels and tiny dress. “Mario, you’ll be my date tonight,” I said. “I wasn’t in the mood to play third wheel anyway.” Mario seemed pleased and threw an arm over my shoulders, pulling me in close.

“Excellent!” he said and walked over to the host stand. I turned my back on Nicholas. He looked incensed.

A few minutes later, we were seated at a round table in a side room away from all the racket. I guessed the names Nicholas Leister and Jenna Tavish meant something there.

I sat between Mario and Jenna. Since Lion was next to Jenna and Anna next to Mario, that meant Nicholas was right across from me. After everyone ordered their drinks, we sat there in uncomfortable silence. With Nicholas trying to play the tough guy, it was all I could do not to tell him to fuck off. Thankfully, Jenna finally piped up.

“You know what, Anna?” Jenna grinned at me, clearly aware of Anna’s irritation as she glanced all around, trying to figure out what was going on. “Noah’s going to go to St. Marie’s. You should introduce her to Cassie, since we’ll probably all be in the same homeroom.” Ever since Jenna found out we’d be going to the same school, it was all she could talk about.

“Who’s Cassie?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going even though Anna clearly wasn’t in the mood for it.

She looked up from her cell phone with a glimmer in her dark eyes. I felt intimidated. What was she cooking up in that dumb head of hers?

“She’s my little sister,” she said, glancing over at Nick. When she caught his eye, he leaned over the table and took her hand.

“Little?” I asked, dubious. “How old are you?”

With a look of superiority, she replied, “Twenty. And in a year, I’ll be done with college.” So she thought she was better than me.

“I’d have never guessed,” I responded, provoking her indignation. Nick shook his head vigorously while Jenna tittered.

“Tell me something, Noah, where’d you learn to drive so well?” Mario asked, changing the subject. I knew that subject would irk Nick, reminding him of how he’d lost his car.

“Nowhere. It was just good luck that I won the race,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. Then I dug into the chips and salsa and nervously started chewing. I didn’t want to get into it.

“Get out! It was amazing!” Jenna said. “It had been forever since anyone beat Ronnie, and you left him in the dust, even Nick…” She realized where she was going and seemed to decide to trail off.

“You actually want us to think you just happened to win?” Anna asked with false friendliness.

Nick leaned both forearms on the table and pinned me with his blue eyes.

“Spit it out. How’d you learn to race like that?”

The question was so direct that only the pure and simple truth would do. But I wasn’t willing to give him that. There were things in my past I didn’t want to talk about. So I lied.

“My uncle was a NASCAR driver. He taught me all I know.”

I saw surprise in his face and a little bit of doubt, but just then, the waitress showed up with our order. I had always liked Mexican food, especially tacos, and I used the distraction to chat up Mario. He was always easy to talk to. At some point, I started cracking up at something he’d said that no one else had heard because everyone was wrapped up in their own conversations.

After calming down, I bent over to take a sip of my soda and looked up at Nick, who seemed furious and uninterested in talking with Anna, Jenna, and Lion.

I couldn’t imagine what had happened, but I wasn’t going to ask, either. Our truce over these past few days seemed as fragile as a thread, and I knew I could break it if I said or did anything that got under his skin.

“The party at your place was great, Nick. We should try to throw an even bigger one and get everyone over to celebrate the end of summer,” Jenna said.

The whole table nodded, but all I could think about was what had happened between Nick and me there. It had been the first time we’d really hooked up.

“Noah, you’re red as a tomato,” Jenna said.

I wanted to die, especially when I looked up at Nick and saw he seemed to be thinking exactly the same thing as I was.

“It’s the salsa,” I said, taking a sip of my drink.

Soon afterward, we asked for the check. I’d forgotten I needed to borrow money from Nick, and that made it weird when Mario said he wanted to pay for me. Nicholas interrupted him:

“I’ve got her.”

I could tell Mario was going to argue, so I jumped in. Anna was pissed, too, especially since Nick hadn’t said a word about paying for her.

“I lost my wallet,” I said, trying to sound indifferent.

“Okay, that settles it. I’ve got her, Nicholas,” Mario said.

“Sure you can afford it?” Nicholas asked maliciously. “I wouldn’t want you to blow all your tip money on one meal.”

I couldn’t believe what he was saying. There was an uncomfortable silence, and Mario tensed like a dog under attack. I knew there was about to be a confrontation, and I had no idea how to avoid it.

Before Mario could respond, I grabbed his hand under the table. He was surprised, but he squeezed back a second later.

“Pay it if you feel like it,” he said, standing up and pulling me along with him. He dropped a twenty on the table and turned toward me. The fact that we were holding hands was lost on no one.

“How about I treat you to an ice cream?” he said. I liked how he hadn’t let his rage get the better of him. Mario wasn’t a violent guy, even if he had the muscles to tangle with Nick. I smiled.

“Hell yeah!”

Jenna gawked at me at first and then smiled knowingly.

We said goodbye—I didn’t even bother looking at Nick—and left.