Fifteen. Fears and Jen
"Hey, what happened to your finger?"
Nancy's voice was soft and sweet, like dripping honey, and her gaze on Jen's sliced finger was more than gentle. They were walking in the woods, towards Jonathan. Jen stared down at her wrapped up finger. "Um.. nothing. Just a small slip up. It's no big deal."
"You sure?"
Jen nodded gently, the bandaid around her finger felt all too tight now with this new attention. "Yeah. Don't worry." Nancy nodded softly, with a small smile. "Alright then.."
The two were getting closer to Jonathan. Bullets echoed like children wailing at night. Jonathan wasn't making any shots.
"You're supposed to hit the cans, right?" Nancy's voice sounded out through the trees, sweet and teasing. Jen beamed.
Jonathan's eyes fell on both girls. He smiled a little. "No, actually, you see the spaces in between the cans? I'm aiming for those." There was clear sarcasm. Nancy hummed, a smile. "Ah."
The girls put down their bags. Jonathan's gaze zeroing in on Nancy. "You ever shot a gun before?"
Nancy scoffed with a soft laugh. "Have you met my parents?" Jonathan's eyes moved to Jen, "you?" Jen sighed, fingertips picking at her jean overalls. "Nope. My sister shot one of our windows one time when she was fifteen."
Nancy and Jonathan stared at the girl, alarmed. Jen smiled, faintly. "It wasn't a big deal. She was trying to make my mom mad. Missed my head by a foot."
Nancy's lips parted, no words. Jonathan hummed. "Yeah, I haven't shot one since I was ten. My dad took me hunting on my birthday. He made me kill a rabbit."
"A rabbit?"
Jonathan worked on reloading the gun. "Yeah. I guess he thought it would make me into more of a man or something. I cried for a week."
"Jesus." Nancy muttered.
"What? I'm a fan of Thumper." Jen cracked a smile at the boys words, they shared a look. Nancy shook her head gently, with a soft laugh. "I meant your dad."
"Yeah. I guess he and my mother loved each other at some point, but.." The gun gently cocked. "âI wasn't around for that part."
Nancy suddenly looked over at Jen, like she was asking for something with her eyes. Jen wasn't sure. The girl just smiled softly, arms twisting around herself.
Nancy looked back at Jonathan, hand slowly out for the gun. The boy's eyes widened a bit, but he didn't hold off. "Um, yeah." He passed Nancy the firearm. "Just, uh, point and shoot."
The girl took a stance. "I don't think my parents ever loved each other."
"They must've married for some reason."
She aimed. "My mom was young. My dad was older, but he had a cushy job, money, came from a good family. So they bought a nice house at the end of the cul-de-sac.. And started their nuclear family."
"Screw that."
Nancy hummed. "Yeah. Screw that." She shot the gun. She knocked a can. Her and Jonathan shared a soft proud laugh.
Jen was staring down at her shoes. Nancy's mom was young, dad older. Nancy's young, Steve's older.
She didn't want certain things anymore, it seemed.
Jen never took a shot at the gun. She'd been offered, but she didn't take it. She didn't want it.
The three were walking amongst the woods now, following Jonathan's map. Him and Nancy walked side by side, Jen traveling a little behind. "You never said what I was saying."
"What?" Jonathan let out softly, a little confused at Nancy's words.
Jen looked up from the dry ground, eyes locking on the side of Nancy's face.
Nancy was looking at Jonathan. "Yesterday. You thought I was saying something and that's why you took my picture." Her look was soft, sweet, curious. Her look was so soft.
And Jonathan was nervous, around her. "Oh, uh... I don't know. My guess... I saw this girl, you know, trying to be someone else. But for that moment... it was like you were alone, or you thought you were. And, you know, you could just be yourself."
Jen watched Nancy's face. How she took in the words and bit them backâbecause they're were the truth, but she didn't want to see it like that. Nancy shook her head gently, "that is such bullshit."
Jonathan paused for a moment, eyes a little wide. "What?" He wasn't trying to start anything.
"I am not trying to be someone else. Just because I'm dating Steve and you don't like himâ" Nancy's soft look was gone.
Jen had caught up to Jonathan, the two sharing a look. A look Nancy didn't particularly like. It was like they could see right through her, and they could.
Jonathan shook his head, carrying on. "You know what? Forget it. I just thought it was a good picture." Jen followed after the boy, her hand locking around the crook of his elbow gently. He hummed at the touch, a soft smile at her for a millisecond.
Nancy's stomach swirled at the interaction. She didn't like it. The intensity she felt over it. She caught up with the two, playing off whatever just happened in her system. "He's actually a good guy."
Jen could agree on that one, but she chose to be quiet.
Jonathan wasn't one to argue. He just gave in. "Okay." Though, Nancy was still backing up Steve. "Yesterday, with the camera... He's not like that at all. He was just being protective."
"Yeah, that's one word for it."
Jen let go of Jonathan as he paused again, he faced Nancy. The two stood ground to each other. Jen sighed as she gently took the map from Jonathan, she carried on.
Nancy huffed. "Oh, and I guess what you did was okay?" Jonathan frowned. "No, I... I never said that."
"He had every right to be pissedâ"
Jonathan groaned, turning towards the girl in red. "Okay, all right. Does that mean I have to like him?" Nancy paused for a moment. "No."
"Listen, don't take it so personally, okay? I don't like most people. He's in the vast majority."
Jen huffed as she looked down at the map, and then continued her walk. Her shoulders sagged a little under her bag and axe.
Nancy scoffed a laugh. "You know, I was actually starting to think that you were okay." There was attitude laced between both teens. "Yeah?" Jonathan spit out. Nancy glared. "Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking, Jonathan Byers, maybe he's not the pretentious creep everyone says he is." The two made it closer to each other.
Jen paused with a hushed sigh as she looked back at the two. Her baby hairs tickled her skin.
"Well, I was just starting to think you were okay. I was thinking, Nancy Wheeler, she's not just another suburban girl who thinks she's rebelling by doing exactly what every other suburban girl does... until that phase passes and they marry some boring one-time jock who now works sales, and they live out a perfectly boring little life at the end of a cul-de-sac. Exactly like their parents, who they thought were so depressing, but now, hey, they get it."
Jen's brows raised at the little speech as Jonathan hurried by her, taking the map back.
Jen and Nancy shared a look. "Jesus."
The rest of the walk had fallen silent. Tensions were high and suffocating. Night had fallen, too make matters worse. Jen walked behind the two, she didn't want to get in their way... Because every so often one would send the other a look when they weren't looking. It went on like that for awhile.
Nancy's looks for Jonathan were softer than the looks she gave Steve.
Jen knew that much. The blind knew that much. It made Jen's insides prick.
Suddenly Nancy came to a stop, Jen crashing into her back a little. Both girls winced. "God.. sorry, Nance.." Nancy just took her hand, squeezed it. (They did that a lot.) Jen raised a brow, lips parted but Jonathan spoke up as he looked back at the two. "What, are you tired?"
Nancy glared for a moment. "Shut up."
"What?" Jonathan scoffed out. The girl looked around, "I heard something."
Then a whimper came.. and more. The three paused as their eyes floated in that direction. They walked quickly.
Nancy gasped as they caught sight. Her foot fall calming to a pause. "Oh, God." It was a hurt deer. "It's been hit by a car." The girl touched it gently, her and Jonathan bent down. Jen frowned as she looked away, still standing. She didn't like this.
"We can't just leave it."
They all looked down at the gun in Nancy's hand. My God, no.
Nancy held it up, but she didn't move to pull the triggerâtears laced her eyes. Jonathan sighed, hand held out. "I'll do it."
"I thought you saidâ" The boy shrugged gently, with another sigh. "I'm not nine anymore." The boy cocked the gun as they both stood next to Jen. He aimed. Silence came.
Though the three gasped loudly as the hurt animal was pulled back. "What the hell was that!" Jen cried out, heart pounding, eyes deceiving.
"Where'd it go?" They flashed lights in the direction. "I don't know." They followed after the blood trail. "Do you see any more blood?" But then it stopped. There was nothing. "No."
The three looked around, eyes on different corners. Jen pushed her flash around, gaze getting caught on the moonâit brought a chill to her bleak skin. She really wished she was back at her trailer right now. Something was odd.
"Jen? Jonathan?" It was Nancy from a distance, then came a loud gasp. "Jen!" A heavy roar (?) then silence.
Jen's heart pounded as she pointed her light ahead of her. "Nancy..?" She got nothing.
The girl gasped as Jonathan suddenly appeared in front of her. A hand flew to her heart, "oh my god! You scared the shit out of me!â"
Jonathan shook his head quickly, eyes wide and terrified. "Nancy's gone."
Jen's lips parted, heart dropping. "What."
Then came a yell. The two flung around. "Nancy!" They ran towards the sound, only to find her bag on the floor. "Nancy!"
"Where is she?"
"I..I don't know!" Jonathan freaked.
Jen dropped her light, hands clutching her jean overalls as she yelled. "Nancy!" The two moved together, yelling her name. They got nothing in return. "Nancy!"
Then all of the sudden: "Guys! Guys, I'm right here!" It was her. A faded echo.
Jen and Jonathan shared a worried look, as they yelled. "Nancy, we're right here! Follow our voices!"
A faded growl sounded out. Then a girlish yell.
"Nancy!" Jen gasped as she grabbed the boys wrist, pulling them in Nancy's direction. They came up to a tree. There was a horrible sticky opening (?) on it.
The two gaped. "What the hell.." Jonathan moved closer to the tree. "Nancy?" Jen stood back, eyes wateryâher first true friend and she was gone from thin air? "Nancy, follow my voice!" Jonathan called out. The fear in his eyes was like no other.
Jen yelled as Jonathan fell back, a hand shot out from the tree's opening. "Jonathan! Jen!" It was Nancy. The boy grabbed at her hand and started to pull. Jen fell to her knees as she grabbed at the girls arm as well.
Nancy came tumbling out.
She fell right into Jonathan, perfectly. The girl cried as Jonathan held her tightly. "I got you."
Jen stood slowly, hands shaking as her eyes glazed over. "Oh.. Oh my God."
Nancy cried as she squeezed the boy tighter, like he was a lifeline. "I got you." He went again. His voice was soft and caring.
The look of them made Jen a little nauseous. She had to look away, her gaze fell back on the tree.
Jen watched the tree's opening close up, like it had never been there at all.
There were silver hands around his throat. White-hot and heavy. Burning his fair skin. His chest was weighted down by cement. Gunpowder was in his throat. His shoes doused in gasoline. Steve was on fire.
He didn't understand. He couldn't understand.
What had he'd seen? Another boy in his girlfriend's room? Jonathan Byers of all people? The boy who'd taken evil red photos of Nancy, Steve, and his friends? Why was he so close to her? Why was he even in there? Steve couldn't breathe. He didn't understand.
He had to ditch the movie. Tommy H. and Carol too. They were beyond pissed, but the second Steve mentioned wanting to be with his kidâCarol shut herself up and Tommy as well.
Steve just wanted to see his little girl. He just wanted to see Violet. He wanted to feel better... Somehow.
He was around the corner of the trailer park, skin a little bleak, eyes a little glossy, head pounding. He felt sick to his core. Venom snaked it's way past his cracks and latched onto his pumping blood.
He pulled up to Lowen's trailer, a little unsteady on his two feet. His hands were too hot against the cold exterior of his car. He sucked in a shaky breath. This could not be happening, again. Steve was so scared of thisâbeing left. He couldn't handle this again. Not after Lowen.
"Steve, honey. You're back quick."
The boy whipped around. The aged woman, Mandy Daisy, holding a babbling Violet, though, she quieted down as she saw her father. Steve swallowed harshly, "I, um, needed to come home. I wanted to be with Violet tonight.." He said the last sentence so quietly, Mandy barely heard him.
Was he ashamed? Scared? Terrified?
The aged woman smiled softly. "Of course. Let me get her bag together.. And her little pink shoes. They're darling." The woman disappeared with his daughter once more, and Steve perked up at the sound of a car on unleveled gravel.
He turned and his gaze landed on Jen and her car. The girl seem to race out, slamming the door so harshly like their was a monster in her car. The girls shoulders shook and her hands pushed into her face. A sob wracked her. Her knees shook a little, but she never tumbled to the floor.
Steve's insides played Twister.
The boy was moving towards her before he could thinkâhe should've stopped but he couldn't. He needed answers. Something.
He knew Jen had gotten close to Nancy. She had to know why Jonathan Byers had been in Nancy's room. "Jen.."
The girl flinched, harshly. Her hands moving from her face so quick, like she'd been caught doing something wrong. Like her crying was wrong. Her fingers pushed into her skin, wiping her tears. Her cheeks were cherries. "Steve.. Hi." Her voice was a mere cracking whisper. She forced out an awkward smile.
The boy's jaw clenched as he thought of his girlfriend. "Did you know?" Was all he spat out. His tone was harsher than it had ever been, with her at least. Jen seem to sink in on herself. "Did I know.. what?" Her voice was so soft, it made him a little dizzy. She was silk.
Steve's hands balled up into fists at his sides, he had to shove them in the pockets of his jacket. "Nancy and.. Jonathan. Nancy and Jonathan. Why is he with her. Why was he in her room. Why was he holding her."
Jen gaped at the boy. She couldn't possibly tell him the truth. For his safety and the fact that she'd sound mental. But truthfully, she didn't know what was happening with Nancy and Jonathanânot after what Nancy had told Jen about her relationship with Steve. Now, the looks between Nancy and Jonathan had been softer. He had saved her earlier. Her kept her safe. He wanted to help her find Barb. They wanted to find Will together. They wanted to bring Joyce peace together. Jonathan was doing everything Steve barely thought about.. Or more so knew about. But Jen couldn't tell Steve any of that, because she thought about him like no one else did.
So, Jen did what her mother had taught her all those years ago.
"Jonathan.. Was in Nancy's room?" She tried her hardest to sound shocked. She knew Jonathan was there. Nancy had wanted him to stay, she had wanted Jen to stayâbut Jen wanted to go home. Maybe talk to Eddie, but that was all out the window nowâSteve was standing in front of her, looking terrified of being left by Nancy.
Jen could see it right in his eyes. The fear. She had once had that fear about her mother, and it had happenedâshe had left.
Jen knew she shouldn't have, she knew that much. But she could get out of the lie if anything.. That's all she's done with her life, escape the worse.
Steve seem to let up a little bit at Jen's words, she doesn't know. Of course she wouldn't know. She's a kind girl. She would've told me the truth if she knew. She cares. Steve frowned, a hand running over his face. "Jonathan's in Nancy's room, Jen.."
She wished he'd stop saying that sentence. "I'm sorry, Steve."
His eyes met hers and she could not just be quiet. "But.. If it makes you feel any better, Nancy isn't that kind of girlâto cheat, I mean. She cares about you, a lot.."
Steve's lips parted, "I don't thinkâ"
"Steve?"
The two teens paused, both looking over at Mandy as reappeared with Steve's daughter and her things. "Comin'!" The boy called out as he looked back at Jen, there was something in his eyes she didn't understandâbut it made her speak.
"Do youâboth of you, maybe want to come in? If not, that's okay too.. Whatever you want."
Steve felt lonely, he didn't want to be alone anymoreâand most times he felt himself lonely around Nancy and his friends. He didn't understand why. He never could.
He felt extremely lonely just around Violet. That really sucked.
"That sounds great. Thanks."
Jen smiled softly and the two split ways for a moment. Steve went and got the little girl, as Jen busted into her trailerâdead empty. Alex wasn't here. (Huh?)
"Everything alright?" Mandy asked the young boy gently. Steve hummed, smiled small. He let out a sigh of relief as he took ahold of Violetâthe little girl clung to him instantly. Her face placed in his neck and it shocked him a little.. How could this small girl get so comfortable with him so quickly? (He was a Father.)
"Jen's a good girl, Steve."
The boys eyes floated to Mandy, his lips parted but he didn't say anything as Mandy went againâ"Jennifer takes care of people. She took care of her mother.. Her sister, when Alexandra let's her. She's a good girl.." Mandy's gaze moved down to Violet, an aged finger gently running down the girls chubby arm. Violet let out a soft pleased noise. "She loves your little girl, Steve. She's the kind of girl that can take care of things."
Jennifer. Her name is Jennifer.
Steve took in a breath, he held Violet closer. "I.. I wouldn't even know how to be with a girl like her. I don'tâI don't usually end up with girls that care all that much." Steve knew Nancy didn't want to play Mother. He knew that. He could see it in her eyes. Jen's eyes were different when she looked at Violet.
Mandy smiled, it was small and sad. "Well, honey, maybe you could change that. Just try and do it as best as you can." The boy smiled gently. "Thank you. For everything, Mandy." The woman hummed, gently squeezing his arm. "Have a good night, honey. All three of you."
Steve had knocked on her door with the tip of his shoe, hands full of a girl's childhoodâone he never got to finish.
Steve flinched back a little at how quick and heavy Jen's door came opening. The girl frowned, "sorry.. This door is so busted." She moved, letting the two in. Steve smiled small as she closed the door behind them. "No worries.. Maybe I could check it out for you sometime."
"Here, let me take that.." She gently took the baby bag from him, her pinky booping Violet's nose. The small girl beamed, giggled even.
Steve melted. His daughter loves this teenage girl.
"Your name is Jennifer?" He couldn't stop himself. He needed to know everything about her.
Jen paused, placing the bag on the kitchen counter. She slowly looked back at the boy, lips parted. Steve got a little nervous suddenly, he spoke before she could. "Mandy told me.. I didn't know. And your sister, Alexandra."
Lowen had never called her that. Did Lowen even know her best friend's real name?
Jen smiled small, she took a seat on the couchâlegs brought up to her chest. "You can come sit.." The boy smiled as he followed, Violet slipped past him instantly as he took a seat. She crawled messily over his lap to Jen's lap. The older girl beamed, letting her legs down as she brought the girl closer to her, fingers gently taming her brunette hair. "Is this okay?" Jen asked softly, she never wanted to overstep. Steve smiled, with a nod. Yeah. So okay.
Steve could barely process them. These two girls together. They fit, so well. He didn't understand, but he was grateful.
Jen takes care of people.
"My dad named my sister. And on her first birthday, my mom found out she was pregnant with me. He said he wanted another girl, and my mom was actually excited. He cared. He cared so much for Hawkins men, it didn't make sense to her. She had been so scared during her first pregnancy that he'd leave, she never got to enjoy itâand now, she had another shot. With me.. But when she was four months pregnant they got into something.. I think he lied. Cheated about something. I never got the whole story.. He was gone. She tried everything and he never came back. And she tried to name me something else, she did, but nothing stuck but Jennifer. My dad wanted to call his kid the same thing as his wife.. my mom hated it. She realized it after he left. And when Alex and I got older and all the little girls had dads and asked why we didn't.. Kids get curious. Mom said it flat out. You two don't have a dad. He's a mean sucker. Nothing else, and after that she just started calling us Alex and Jen. Not Alexandra and Jennifer, what our dad had called us. It was, like, her way of finally ripping him from our lives. I don't even know what he looks like.." She smiled a little at the crazy things.
"How'd you'd find all this out?"
Jen shrugged as her fingers gently ran through all of Violet's hair. "Mandy told me everything she knew about my mom after she passed. Mandy had been the one to help her with my sister and I when she was all alone. She's a kind woman. But yeah, my name is Jennifer. Like my mom."
Steve hummed, his eyes casting down to Violet. "Kids get curious.." He whispered, repeating Jen's sentence. Jen's lips parted, slightly confused, but then she understood. Her gaze dropped down to Violet in her lap. The small girl on the verge of sleep.
"I don't know how to do any of this." Steve admitted. He hated defeat.
Jen smiled small. "As annoying as this might be to hear, I think you just have to take it a day at a time.. And if you ever need anything, I'm only a call alway. Truly. Your daughter is great, Steve."
The boys head rested against the back of the couch, his eyes locked on the two girls.
Jen's gaze fell on him. He was so beautiful like this it could've made her sick if she thought too much about it. He was worried and effortlessly terrified. He was a true man. He stuck around for Violet. He's making it work. He's trying.
"She is great, huh.." He dragged a finger down her chunky cheek gently. She barely twitched. A faint smile on her rose baby lips.
Jen smiled, her own head resting against the back of the couch now. Steve's eyes met hers.
"Can I tell you something?" Steve nodded. "Yeah. Of course."
Jen sighed gently. "Nancy doesn't know what to do about you anymore."
Steve's hand fell away from his daughter, like she had just burned him. He hated this. This conflict that constantly surround him now. This wasn't high school bullshit. This wasn't King Steve being a prick. No. This was Steve Harrington being a dad.
His jaw clenched, but his voice was still soft. His heart echoed deep in his mind. "She told you that..?"
Jen sighed, her eyes casting down to Violet, she held her a little tighter. "Nancy's my friend. But.. I think we're friends too? And I think I'd want to know what my girlfriend was telling other people about me. I don't know. I've never been in a serious relationship. But yeah, she told me that. She feels real bad.."
Steve swallowed thickly. "I get it. She doesn't want to play mother. That's fair. I can't blame her, but I'm trying so hard, Jen. I swear I am."
The girls eyes flickered back to his, and she finally seem to realize how alone this boy was. How alone King Steve was. "I'm sorry, Steve.." It was all she could mutter.
He simply shrugged. "I'll deal with it.. at some point."
Jen hummed, she seem to sink more into the couch. Her eyes fluttered shut, and she seem to be shaking a little.
Steve watched her carefully, and he silently toed off his shoes as he did. He felt like he had a friend in front of him. Someone who really cared, and not just about him, his daughter too.
"You were crying outside. You okay?"
Jen didn't open her eyes, though, her lashes fluttered a little. Like butterflies. "Bad day, I guess." Steve hummed. "Yeah. I get that."
It was silent for a little while. Not awkward or uncomfortable, but lovely. And a little turned into awhile.
The two girls were silently asleep. Steve took it upon himself to travel around the trailer, eyes casting on the Leadison's growing upâtill it stopped.
The most recent photo was from Jen in eighth grade, Alex a freshman. Their lives stopped there in this trailer.
Steve's had stopped when he turned six.
He knew that girl on the couch was like him. More than they both knew.
But he stopped at the kitchen. Next to the wrack of knives was a photo. It was fresh, but old film. Steve gasped silently. It's was a photo of him, Lowen, and Alex at some party. His eyes zeroed in on the four hands over Lowen's stomach. The look on their faces. Alex and Lowen.
Steve felt bile crawl up his throat.
Lowen had known. Those last months she spent with him, dragging him along and kissing it betterâshe had known. The entire time.
His eyes glazed over.
The boy looked over at Jen and Violet on the couch, holding each other dearly. His heart pounded, and he made his way back to them. He bent down in front of the girls, knees digging into the carpet floor of the trailer.
He gently raised a hand over Jen's jean clad knee. He hesitated and frowned, but he placed it. Soft and sweet. She didn't move. His eyes moved back towards her face, he gently touched hair away from her faceâtucking it behind her ear.
He sat on the floor in front of the girls. Hand still on Jen's knee, his teeth latched into his bottom lip as he let his head rest on her legs gently. His eyes screwed shut and tears seem to slip past the cracks.
He wanted so badly to feel okay. To be okay with his new life.
His eyes flew open when a hand gently ran through his hair.
He let out a soft breath.
No one spoke.