Seventeen. The rage
Have you ever been so cold, you're warm?
Rex's Tools was colder than Hawkins was becoming. Jen was freezing, but beyond hot in the jean overalls and heavy coat. (Her finger was still throbbing, and she hoped the pain was numb itself sooner or later.) The store was quiet like new borns at the fall of sleep, the only noise was the knocking of different kind of tools being touched by customers. By Jonathan. By Nancy. By Jen.
They were going to kill a monster. I know, what TV.
The man behind the counter wasn't impressed with their rally up of items, especially the bear traps. The man looked more concerned, if anything. It made Jen want to disappear into the scratched up floors. (She made do with hiding behind Jonathan, somewhat.)
Nancy just seem to add more items to the table.
Jonathan and Jen shared a look over his shoulder. The boy sighed and turned back towards the man, "and I'll have four boxes of the 38s." Bullets. Bullets. Bullets. Bullets. The man finally spoke as he placed down the four boxes. "What you kids doin' with all of this?"
Silence.
Jen didn't even try and come up with anything. Jonathan stuttered. And Nancy smiled with ocean pearls and honeycomb words. "Monster hunting." There wasn't a slice of doubt in her voice. It rocked Jen. She could never be confident like that. It was routed in her mind. It wasn't part of herself. She wasn't a confident person. She liked the quiet and the going unseen and the nobody knowing who she was.
Hanging out with Steve Harrington's girlfriend was not helping that.
Nancy was a big red sign: hey! Look at me! I can be loud! Confident! Pretty! Happy!
Jen was none of that, but Nancy was a friend now. Yes, a friend, even though Jen had kissed her boyfriend. (Let's not think about that right now.)
Jen had to get use to Nancy's sign. Clearly Jonathan had to as well. Nancy intimidated him a little.
"Huh," the man let out with a soft laugh as he rang up their damaged. (More Nancy Wheeler's damage. Jonathan and Jen didn't have the money for all they just bought.)
The (short) walk to the car was soft and comfortable for Nancy and Jonathan. Jen lingered behind with a box and a soft smile to the trunk. She didn't chime in. She felt no need too. She figured if she did she wouldn't be judge, it was Nancy and Jonathan. But still, she felt no reason to speak. So, she didn't.
Jonathan laughed a little. "Monster hunting?" Nancy let out a soft smile as things were piled into the trunk. "You know, last week I was shopping for a new top I thought Steve might like.â"
Jen's system bounced off its course for a smidge second as Steve's name was mentioned. He left a foul taste in her mouth the more she thought about him.
She knew what that boys lips felt like. (If Eddie could see her now! Ha!) Still, very foul taste. (Nancy, I am so sorry!)
"âIt took me and Barb all weekend. It seemed like life or death, you know? And now? Nowâ"
Jonathan beat her to it. "You're shopping for bear traps with Jonathan Byers and Jen Leadison." The mention of her own name shocked her, almost like she wasn't even here at all. Like she was the audience just watching these two. (She did not belong.)
Jonathan and Nancy sent Jen smiles, which she returned. Not as lovely, she assumed. She couldn't see her own face. She just figured the smile was bad.
"What's the weirdest part? Us or the bear traps?" Jonathan might've been speaking for him and Jen with us, but it was obvious he was going for me. As in only Jonathan Byers. Not Jen Leadison. Jen didn't mind. She took it as a compliment. Jonathan didn't think she was off, like he (and everyone else) thought of himself.
Nancy beamed at the boy, and it was suddenly like Jen wasn't here. "You. It's definitely you."
Suddenly Jen was back.
The sight of Reed Routledge's year old red BMW and honk of his horn was a body shock. Jen and Reed's eyes met silently, she couldn't believe she let that boy taste her once.
Though, his sudden call out wasn't for her. "Hey, Nance!" He was here for Nancy. "Can't wait to see your movie." And with a laugh he was gone and Jen was sinking. She really couldn't believe it.
Jen and Nancy shared a look as Jonathan spoke what they all were thinking. "What the hell was that?" Nancy was suddenly uneasy, "I don't know.."
Jen's bottom lip eased between her teeth, her eyes screwing shut as Reed's voice rang out: movie.
Jen's honeymoon eyes slammed opened. Her chin hooked over her shoulder as she walked away from Jonathan's car. Nancy and Jonathan's gaze's followed. "Jen?"
The girl silently walked off more into town. The two behind followed. Nancy quick to fall right in line with Jen's side. Jonathan two steps behind the two.
When the town theater came up, Nancy's pace got quicker. Jen's got slower. Her eyes were wide as a hand covered her gasped. All The Right Moves Starring Nancy The Slut Wheeler.
Jen nearly gagged. God..
"Nancy.. Jesus." Jonathan said gently in disbelief as he stood at her side. A hand on her shoulder. The terror in her face was enough to make Jen's eyes pop in her skull.
It was obvious at who had done this.
And it was obvious everyone knew who Nancy was. She was a Wheeler.
And like dancers on stage, the problems who'd done this became clear. Down the alleyway to the right, the laughs and spray paint. Steve Harrington. Tommy Hagan. Carol Perkins. And Nicole.
Nancy raced over. No doubt in her foot fall. Jonathan and Jen shared an uneasy look before following. This was not good.
Carol was the first to notice Nancy. A sinister smirk plastered on her pasty skin. "Awe. Hey there, princess!" All eyes then fell on Nancy.
Jen wasn't feeling too fond of coming towards the problem, but Jonathan was following Nancy quick. He always was. (Jen did not fit.)
"Uh-oh! She looks upset." Laid out Tommy, laugh hidden behind his false worried words.
The girl marched up right to Steve. He didn't look amused or glad to see the girl. His face showed pure distaste, like he rather be staring at gum under desks than at Nancy Fuckin' Wheeler.
Jen felt bile crawl up her throat. (Eddie was right. Jen should not be here.)
Jen and Jonathan then both flinched as Nancy's hand met Steve's cheek. The sound of skin connecting was a chill down a spine.
Steve's friends oh-ed! and damned! like this was the best shit show they had ever seen. Jen was beyond uncomfortable and wondered what her sister was doing right now? Is Alex in a ditch? Is she at home? Another call that Jen missed cheer? Where was Alex?
"What is wrong with you?" Nancy spit out, all vigor. She had every right for it. Steve scoffed, didn't miss a beat. "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? I was worried about you. I can't believe that I was actually worried about you."
And in that split moment of his words coming to a crease he found Jen's eyes. She wished she could rip them from her skull and roll them towards him. Stop looking at me. Steve's eyes fell right back on Nancy as she spoke up. "What are you talking about?" She was defensive.
Carol butted her face in. Another sinister grin. Jen wished she could claw it off her face. "I wouldn't lie if I were you. You don't want to be known as the lying slut now, do you?"
Jonathan had gotten too close.
Jen couldn't. She refused. Her legs became putty.
Tommy noticed Jonathan all too close first. "Speak of the devil." All gazes fell on Jonathan and Jen, still standing back. "Hi."
Nancy wasn't dumb. The girl looked back at Steve. "You came by last night?"
Last night.. God! How Jen wished last night was not a thing.
"Ding! Ding! Ding! Does she get a prize?" The redhead went, teasing and outright rude. God, Carol.
Nancy huffed. "Look, I don't know what you think you saw, but it wasn't like that." Jen could suddenly remember everything about Steve last night. His confusion. Hatred. Anger. Lost. His baby. His face. Jaw. Lips. Jen wished she was dead in this very moment.
Steve glared, hard. "What, you just let him into your room to.. study?" Tommy beamed, "or for another pervy photo session?"
Jen wished she could walk away. Right now. Maybe even grab Steve on the way out and knock some sense into him. He had more important things to worry about than being a teenagerâ This was not her problem. She needed to listen to what her mother taught her. Stick to yourself. What you know. Walk away.
Walk the fuck away.
She wished she could.
"We were justâ"
Steve cut Nancy off, sharply. "You we're just what? Finish that sentence." He was impossibly close. "Finish the sentence."
Nancy didn't. She couldn't. Jen's hands balled up at her sides. Her and Jonathan shared a look. They needed to get out of here.
"Go to hell, Nancy." Steve was all poison.
Jonathan reached for Nancy in a hurry. "Come on, Nancy, let's just leave." She listened.
But Steve wasn't done. Not even close. He followed. They got closer to Jen. They were getting closer to Jen. "You know what, Byers? I'm actually kind of impressed. I always took you for a queer, but I guess you're just a little screw-up like your father."
Jen stepped back as they got closer. (She could no longer feel her finger.) She didn't like the look on Steve's face, or his words. Pure Rage. Nancy was gaping at the boy, "Steve, stop!" Jonathan, all too strong, just kept walking. Pretending he couldn't hear Steve. It was heartbreaking.
But sometimes, too much, is too much.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that house is full of screw-ups. You know, I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. A bunch of screw-ups in your family." Steve just kept shoving the back of Jonathan's shoulder. Jen could see the Byers boy's face hardeningâbecoming dangerous like a hand grenade.
Nancy tried to reach the boy. "Jonathan, leave it." They didn't need this right now, but Steve, he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't let up. He was on fire and trying to burn down the rest of forest with him. "I mean, your mom... I'm not even surprised what happened to your brother."
Jen couldn't speak. That was the breaking point. Steve had crossed it and now they were all going to drown.
Jonathan had stopped walking.
"Steve, shut up!" Nancy cried. Pure frustration.
He didn't. "âI'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you, but the Byers, their family, it's a disgrace to the entireâ" Steve went silent.
Jonathan had turned around, fist of iron flying into Steve's complexion. (Male Rage.) The boy went flying back. Nancy and Jen gasped at the sight. Steve's friends in shock. Steve didn't wait a second, he slammed the boy right into the side of a car.
Everything felt like slow motion then. Jen did not belong. Nancy walked away from her again, closer to the fight. "Stop! Steve! Knock it off, you guys!" The two boys didn't listen. That was the thing about rage (male rage, female rage, teenage rage), it was blinding.
Jen did not belong.
She walked away. No one was looking at her. No one noticed her. It's who she was. Invisible. The girl turned slowly, hands shoved into the pockets of her heavy coat. Her head hung low and she just walkedâwalked away.
No one noticed.
Though, as she turned the corner her slow and easy steps turned quick. The girl gasped out as she ran back for Jonathan's car. She nearly tripped as she reached the side, she yanked at the door handle and grabbed her bag from the seats.
With the slam of his car door, she was gone. Racing home.
She did not belong in what is bright, too bright.
It was very red.
Her finger. The white that had wrapped around her finger was soaked through, red, completely. She cried out a little as her back slammed back into the trailer door. The place seem to shake a little. Her bag slid off her shoulder and fell to the floor with a thud. Items slipped out and scattered along the floor like glass. She was quick to shove off her heavy jacket. It laid alone on the floor too.
Jen went for the kitchen sink.
She peeled off the layering around her finger and gasped at the cut. It looked bigger. It was bigger. "What the hell.." Her hand pushed to shove the the faucet on, water ran cold. Without thinking she shoved her finger under the run, she cried out at the burn. Her knees buckled a little and hit the exterior under the sink. It ached.
"Alex? Alex!" Jen cried out, gaze looking past her shoulder into the home. All she got was silence. Alex wasn't here. Where was she?
Jen's eyes slammed back to her finger. "Goddamnit!" The girl cried as a damp hand reached for paper towels, she shoved her finger into a glob of towels. She felt like she couldn't breathe. [Steve's face. His words. Jonathan's face. His fist. Nancy's cries. Jen leaving.]
The girl flinched roughly at the heavy knock on her front door.
She shut the water off. She didn't move. She could feel her finger again. It hurt.
"Jen? You there? I really gotta talk to you. Please." Jen's lips parted, eyes widened at the voice. Shocked. Steve. It was Steve at her door. She was quick to move, nearly tripping over her bag as her side hit the door frame. She gasped and yanked at the door handle, it hurt pulling the door opened.
Her eyes met Steve's quicker than light. One of his eyes was red entirely. Face bruised and bloody. He didn't pay attention to her broken look, his gaze fell on her finger. Blood was soaking paper towels. "Shit. Are you okay?" He rushed in. She took a step back, gaze still locked on the broken skin of his face.
He closed her door with the soul of his foot, roughly. Jen hadn't noticed the sleeping baby in his arm, or her tuff of wavy brown hair next to Steve's jaw. She only noticed Violet once Steve laid her small body down on Jen's couch. She didn't move. Her face soft and so peaceful. She wasn't aware of anything. "Jen.. Your finger?"
His hands gently took in her wrists. He was looking around the trailer. Dropped bag. Spilled items. Jacket on the floor. Bloody paper towels. Jen was still staring at Violet. She was so pretty and soft and quiet and sleeping. Jen wondered if Violet had seen Steve's face? Had she recognized him despite the blood? Or if she hadn't and wailed at the stranger? Had she even been awake at all? She was so peaceful right now.
"Jen." Steve gripped a little tighter on the girl's wrists to get her attention. It worked. Her eyes slammed back to his with a flinch. Her flinch made his eyes wide, he let go of her quicker than light. He had his hands up in surrender. He was here to help her, not alarm her. "Jen.. where is your first aid kit?" He spoke soft, despite the heavy thumping in his temples. He swore he could hear the rattle of the pills Tommy had gotten him. (Tommy.. a friend that wasn't a friend anymore.)
She could slightly breathe again. "Bathroom.. sink." Steve was gone. Down the hall and into the small bathroom. He barely fit in it, too tall.
Jen's eyes fell back on Violet. She was so small and her legs were stretched out as much as they could go. Chubby at the creases in her skin. Her face twitched. She was beautiful. Jen sat down before her, on the floor. Her hands stained red from blood paper towels. Jen's head titled as she looked at Violet, and her eyes glazed over. A soft frown on her lips.
"Okay, I found it. It's almost empty, but.." Steve's voice faded off as his gaze landed on Jen. On the tears in her eyes. On the way she stared at his daughter. His daughter. He still wasn't use to that.
"Jen..?" Steve moved towards the girls, bending at the knees to meet Jen's face. He placed the kit next to them. Her eyes moved to his, slowly. There was a tear rolling down her cheek, he gently wiped it away. His touch left goosebumps on her skin.
"I am so sorry, Steve."
It was all Jen said. He frowned, small. Like a child. He didn't know what she was apologizing for. He sat before her, crisscrossed. "Can I see your finger?" He said softly. She just passed him her hand, her other hand, blood stained, falling on her denim clad thigh. He slowly pushed away the paper towels. "It's not that big. I don't think it needs stitches.."
Her eyes moved to the cut. It wasn't big. Her lips parted, it had been bigger earlier. Right?
She decided on closing her eyes as Steve opened up the kit. Her right leg was bent to her, her left leg was pushed out right past Steve. His knee touching the side of hers that wasn't bent. He worked quietly, almost afraid too look at her. He knew the way she'd been looking at him when she opened the door. The sorry look. The pity. His face. He'd seen it in the mirror of his car. He felt it.
"I left."
Her voice shocked him, he slowly looked up from her finger. He liked how soft her voice always was, it didn't make his temples ring louder. "I know.." He talked in a whisper. He'd gotten better at it, Violet's sake. "Glad you did. Cops showed. Got.. um, Byers and Nancy."
Jen's eyes flicked to his, but he wouldn't look at her. Too scared to. He paid attention to her finger. Wrapping it. "They'll be fine." Jen said softly. "Hopper is.. friends with Joyce. Jonathan's mother. Him and Nancy will be fine."
Steve already knew that. That wasn't what he was worried about. "I'm sorry," he was saying, to Jen. His eyes finally met hers as he gently let go of her hand. Finger wrapped nice and neat. Her lips parted, "for what? You.. You didn't do anything to me."
He looked away, his eyes falling on the top of Jen's scuffed up shoe. He owed a lot of apologies to a lot of people. He wanted to start off with her.
Jen's eyes fell on the kit, "do you want me to.." His gaze moved back towards her, she gently jutted her chin out towards his face. He smiled small, it hurt. "No, I'm okay. Thanks."
Jen just nodded slowly, her gaze fell back on Violet. Steve just watched Jen.
The girl sucked in a breath as she gently placed her hand over Steve's. The one with dried up blood in her palm and without the damage to her finger. He gently squeezed her hand.
"I think you're a good guy, Steve."
He frowned, eyes screwing shut. He could feel the pills in his pocket. His head was suddenly leaning towards her, his forehead resting on her shoulder. She took in a shaking breath as her temple rested on the crown of his head. His untamed hair tickled her skin.
Steve stared at their connected hands.
Jen stared at Steve's baby.
"I need to see Nancy." Was all he said, very quietly. Jen hummed, "I know."