Nineteen. A year of rot
Hawkins, Dec. 25, 1983
She wasn't even sure she was going to survive December. It was a long month full of joy and laughs and loud children, so, it was for everyone else. Not so much Jen. She didn't particularly fuck with December.
Alex was gone. She hadn't come home. It had been a whole month and she was just gone. Jen was alone. Completely and utterly alone.
Maybe if Alex hadn't been the way Alex always is, Jen would be concerned about her sister's disappearance. Alex was always going and coming. Yeah, sure, a month was a huge stretch. But it could only mean one thing, Alex found Lowen again. (Maybe..)
Things had been different this month.
Jen had true friends for the first time in her life. She had Jonathan. His little brother. Their caring mother. Nancy Wheeler (the guilt is still alive). Steve Harrington. Yeah, they we're friends, alright. He was so consuming. Him and his kid daughter. They were quiet when it came to one another. They saw each in soft moments under the highlight of the moon when no one else was around. He was always at her trailer, with his daughter. He'd have Jen over sometimes in his too big home and they would sit by the pool. Her feet dipped in. His never were. They'd talk for too long. They'd whisper about the occasional nightmares from the cause of last month. Steve had quit the swim team. He told Jen why, the only person who knew truly why. (Oh, fuckin' Barbara, man..) Jen knew about Steve's struggles with food. With his daughter. How he felt like Nancy was slipping through his fingers. With everything. And he knew just the same with her. He knew about the hatred she held for her sister. The flowers she occasionally got sent by men who her mother use to fuck. Eddie Munson. Everything else Jen had never been able to say to anyone out loud before. And no one else knew. About anything that happened between the two. It was fucking amazing, the secret they had.
It made Jen feel alive. She'd been dead for seventeen years, till now. Eighteen (soon) and alive.
What ate her alive and tore at her skin was the once kiss they'd shared over a month ago, and the few too many after that.
Steve was pills. Addictive and destructive. She was an addict.
"You stare out that window any longer, your damn knees are goin' to buckle with all those bones of yours." Jen groaned, eyes rolling. "Alright, old man, you're one to talk."
Okay, yeah, so, Jen wasn't completely and utterly alone.
Jim Hopper paused over the food. His silence caught Jen's attention and her gaze flipped over her shoulder. The man wasn't amused and she cracked a smile at his olden face. He wasn't that old. Jim rolled his eyes and carried on with what he was doing.
It was Christmas and Jim Hopper had left a work party early so he could get over to the trailer park and make sure Jen Leadison didn't spend the night alone. (They'd grown a little too close to one another over the last month, with knowing what they knew about things that shouldn't have been real, and a missing guardian of Jen's. Hopper was more worried than Jen was about Alex.)
Jim had brought food and was setting it up on Jen's small dining table.
She stood by the window, peaking out of her blinds. "I don't get what you're starin' at anyway, kid?" He'd taken a seat and started serving a plate, for himself, of course. Jen sighed. "New girl and her family moved in last week.."
Jim looked over at Jen, grease coating his lips. The food was KFC. Awesome Christmas dinner! "What's bad about that?"
Steve had sold Lowen's trailer and now a new family was in it.
"Nothing.. I just.." Eddie Munson could not keep his fucking eyes off this new girl and it was driving Jen mad. Well, not really, he was just making conversation and had twinkling eyes. He wasn't even actually touching her.
Jim raised a brow. "Why don't you make friends with the new girl."
Jen looked back over her shoulder, eyes watching the man eat like he hadn't in days. "They food isn't going anywhere, y'know?" He paused again, unamused again. Jen beamed as she took a seat from across the man. She started to serve herself, slow and not enough food in the slightest. Jim didn't comment on it.
The silence was nice.
Though, looking around the trailer, it destroyed the silence. Jim couldn't keep silence with this girl. There were pictures on walls, small but there. A dead mother, two daughters, one missing. Alex was everywhere, yet nowhere at all. Jim couldn't help himself. "You still aren't worried about your sister?"
Jen was the one now pausing at her food. Though, it was only for a split second and Jim barely noticed. Barely.
Jen shrugged. "I think she's fine. She always does this. You know this. She's probably six towns down and found her own fleeting best friend."
Yeah, Jen was a little bitter. Good thing was she was turning eighteen in two months, and legally wouldn't need her sister anymore. And the only reason she hadn't been shoved into foster care was because she was now best friends with the towns sheriff. Also, Hawkins was a small townâthey didn't care all that much. As long as the girl wasn't dying, everything was fine, no need to disrupt her.
"What if that isn't what happened? Yeah, she's always gone for a few days. It's been a month, kid."
Jen paused officially now, eyes looking away from her food and landing on Jim. There was a napkin crumbled in his hand. She sighed, "what do you mean by that?" Jim raised a brow, knowingly. Jen groaned, slouching into her seat more. Her hair was getting longer and blonder. "The thing is dead, Jim. That little girl, Eleven, she got rid of it. Killed it. Everything is fine. Plus, Alex didn't even know anything about anything. She's with Lowen.. She has to be. She is."
Jim just nodded, eyes casting down on his food. "Merry Christmas, kid."
She frowned down at her food. "Merry Christmas, old man."
There was a box of eggo waffles in a market bag by the door. Jen hadn't asked about them when Jim had walked in with the KFC.
She wouldn't ask about them either as he left later that night.
Oct. 1984
It had been a whole year of rotting. For more than one person.
Steve Harrington's ways of thinking are wearing him down, but he knows if he gave up on it, gave up on caring too much, being too pretty for a guy, he wouldn't know how to be alive. He'd have to teach himself how to die, because he hates asking for help. He's grown up foul.
It's been a whole year and he's grown sick of life. The dark waves run over the ridges of his brain and shove its way into the cracks. He's not happy. He's just here. He's been just here for a whole year.
A whole year with Nancy secretly blaming him for what wasn't his fault, because who else could she blame that wasn't herself. A whole year since he's been in a pool. A whole year since he quit the swim team and got shit for it. A whole year since he devoted himself to basketball, fully. A whole year since he tried to leave behind his bad eating habits for swim, it's been hard. A whole year since he's been a father (it's been a little longer than that and has felt way too long...). It's been a whole year since he sliced his skin open and let Jen Leadison crawl inside him and take home in his ribcage. His skin stitched back up after so she can't get out. He just wants to feel close to her, all the time.
She's here actually. In his home. In his back patio. By his pool.
He's sitting on the edge of a pool chair, cigarette between his lips and calculus homework in front of him. There's a bit of fallen ash on the book pages. He's taking the class again, he failed it his junior yearâand he can't graduate without it.
Jen's real good at math.
He isn't paying attention to the numbers. His eyes are locked on Jen and his daughter. The two are sitting on a blanket by the pool. There's a coloring book and pastel crayons between the two. Jen is whispering softly to Violet, her finger pointing at hard black lines, teaching Violet she doesn't have to cross those. Violet's a year older now. She's in the "terrible two's", so Steve's heard what it's called. But Violet's been anything but terrible. She babbles more, trying to talk clearly. She's becoming curious about everything and walking. That freaked Steve the fuck out and Jen had just told him gently one night he needed baby gates. That's all. He hadn't even know those existed. He wasn't sure his parents had them while he was growing up. He had just been scared of the stairs as a small kid, never went near them, thanks to his dad.
Jen had went with him to pick up the baby gates one evening after basketball. He'd been so tired that night, and Jen had taken care of it all without him so much as asking. She could just see it in his eyes. She pushed Violet around in the shopping cart, making her smile and laugh, two baby gate boxes in tow, and Steve just trailed behindâhis body aching with every step taken. Jen made things easy for him. He didn't have to ask, not that he would. She wasn't even doing it on purpose, she just liked helping, it was her showing she cared.
Maybe cared too much.
When they had gotten back to his house that night, his mother had been home. He panicked for a moment and Jen just sent him a small smile as she carried his daughter. Seeing her smile, he had a sudden urge of not caring. He'd taken the two relatively big boxes from his car and the three had traveled into his home together. Candy Harrington had been in the kitchen, cooking, and she paused over a glass of wine as her eyes fell on the teenage girl holding her granddaughter. A girl she'd never seen before. Jen just smiled sweetly and Steve had seen a flash of something he'd never seen in his mother's eyes before. "Mom, this is Jen. She's a friend."
Candy Harrington had asked Jen to stay for dinner, and for the first time in years Steve felt like he'd finally done something his parents were proud of: bringing Jen Leadison into their lives. He knew he needed her after that, and not just for the sake of his daughter. He needed her.
Jen looked up from Violet and her coloring, her eyes meeting Steve's. She smiled softly. "Do you need help?" She asked gently, and he didn't. She had already taught him the lesson he was on. "Yeah. Yeah, I do." He lied. He just wanted her close. She was like a soft song you played when you had a headache, she took away the pain and made it dull. She lead you to sleep.
Jen nodded as her gaze landed back on Violet, the small brunette already looking up at her. Jen said something softly to the little girl, and Steve couldn't hear what but both girls were laughing. And Violet's baby laughs, that weren't becoming baby laughs, warmed his chest.
He loved that kid. He realized that now.
Jen squeezed Violet's chin gently before she stood and made her way towards Steve. She sat next to him, her thigh touching his own as her eyes peered down at the homework. They were both facing his daughter and her concentrated coloring. "You want one?" Steve said softly to Jen, his eyes still on his daughter. Jen knew what he was offering, a cigarette. She shook her head gently, "no, I'm okay. Thank you." He hummed and his eyes finally drifted from his daughter and landed back on the numbers.
Jen's lips parted as her finger pointed at his book, but he stopped her. "I lied, I know what I'm doing. You taught me this last week. Just wanted you sitting next to me." His words were slow and gentle.
Jen's eyes left the paper and landed on the side of Steve's face. He looked over at her slowly. There was a smile on her lips, her cheeks a little blotchy with redness. It was getting cold in Hawkins again. Her jacket was zipped up all the way, hiding her dark brown tank top and her collarbones. He was tempted to pull down the zipper a little and drag his fingertip over her collarbone. He knew she wouldn't mind. He's done it before.
But he didn't, his eyes fell past Jen and landed on his pool. He could feel himself going cold and Nancy suddenly punched his way into his mind violently.
He knew this was wrong. Being with one girl and caring for another in the quiet moments he wasn't with the first girl. He knew how fucked this was. He knew it made Jen ache with guilt more than it could ever wracked him. He knew Nancy would kill him and probably shun Jen if she found out. That's if she didn't already noticed. He knew she saw the way he'd stare at Jen when she was around. When they were all together. Nancy knew how involved Jen was in Violet's life. Nancy probably already knew everything, she was a smart girl. Too smart. She knew, and maybe just chose not to say anything. Because she knew she'd become a little unbearable ever since her best friend died. And Steve could handle her more, have more patience with her, because everything he needed from her and didn't getâhe was getting with Jen. And for some reason, Nancy wasn't sure what, it hadn't bothered her like she thought it would.
Because in the fleeting moments when she couldn't sleep and would see her dead best friend's face behind her closed eye lidsâshe'd think of Jonathan Byers to calm down. How kind he was to her. How he always picked up the phone when she called late at night or in the early mornings when it was still dark out and they would have school in three hours.
Nancy was just bad as Steve, and they had done it to each other. Nancy's dead best friend had done it to them.
"Hey," Steve's eyes snapped back to Jen and her soft voice. She had a hand on his thigh now, he realized that now. "You okay?" Her eyes were soft. Her lips looked even softer. "You floated away for a sec.." God, he wanted to kiss her. Hold her. Run his hands through her hair; it had gotten so long since he started talking to her last year in November.
He forced a small smile. His eyes briefly looking at Violet, she was fine, on a new coloring page. "Yeah, I'm okay." Jen nodded, squeezed his thigh gently before dragging her hand away. "Okay." He stopped her hand from going too far though. She gasped in shock as he grabbed onto her hand and pulled her towards him. She tumbled into his chest gently and his lips fell onto hers perfectly. Puzzle pieces reconnecting. His other hand cupped her jaw and his fingers dragged against her skin. She had a hand holding her up on the pool chair between his open legs. Her other hand was on his abdomen, she could feel his belly constricting against her palm. It made heat slam against her chest and made her face fade red.
They eventually had to pull away for air.
His eyes were open before hers, watching her face move. Her lips were parted and begging for air. Her eyes fluttered opened slowly, meeting his gaze. She smiled, all teeth, and rolled her eyes at his smug look. "Whatever.." She mumbled.
Steve scoffed a laugh and picked up his cigarette again, blowing smoke towards the sky. He hoped it would reach the clouds, because he never could.
Jen watched the beautiful boy and left the smile on her lips. Theses moments were soft and quiet between them, she ate them alive when she was alone at her trailer.
Alex was still gone.
A couple months ago, around Jen's 18th birthday, Jim had finally seem to convince Jen this might be a problem and not a runaway. They did a search around Hawkins, it lasted five days, and a lot of the older people from the trailer park even helped. They hadn't found a body, which Jen had rubbed in Jim's face. They couldn't declare her dead. So, she was just gone. Missing. Runaway. Posters went around town. Calls went to the next few towns over.
Nothing yet.
Alex was twenty now, just at the beginning of October. Jen, despite their horrible relationship, lit a single cupcake for Alex that night and wished for her to come home as she blew out the candle.
Alex was still gone. (2x)
Jen flinched away from Steve's bliss at the sound of a car pulling up. It was low and rich sounding. Her eyes flickered to the inside of the house and the front door cracked open. "Steve," Jen pushed herself up. Her hand swatted gently at his shoulder, his gaze fell on her as smoke rolled from his redden lips. "Your mom's here. Put that out."
He muttered something about his mother and put out the cigarette. Jen made her way back to Violet, the little girl moving her hands up to Jen. Violet was picked up with ease, she sat beautifully on Jen's hip.
Steve closed up his math book, pencil and papers and ash shoved inside. "Can you help me pick up her stuff?" Jen spoke gently, she was referring to the crayons, book, and blanket. Steve hummed, "don't worry about it. I got it. You can go say hi." He came up closer, bending down to place away the crayons. He liked to avoid his mother for as long as he could when she was around. The last couple of work trips, she hadn't gone with his fatherâand he wasn't sure why. Candy would go to keep tabs on Richard, they'd both would come back home miserable and high with tension up their asses. Jen smiled down at him and Violet rested her head on Jen's shoulder.
"You're the best, Steve."
Jen said gently. She said it a lot actually, it was like her thing now. Steve loved it. It made him ache. He looked up at the girl as she smiled down at him, her hand gently racking through his hair.
That was all they needed. A silent moment with talking eyes.
"You ready to see Candy? See Miss Candy?" Jen spoke softly to Violet as they both traveled into the Harrington home.
Steve could hear Violet's giggles as she faded.
His mind ran back to Nancy and how inconvenient she was to him at this point in his life, but he couldn't let go of being a teenager. So, he couldn't let Nancy go.
Jen didn't blame him. She never did. But maybe she should.