Twenty Six. Fill the hole in my chest?
Violet Harrington could seem to tell when something was wrong with the young teenage boy, who was somehow her father after countless mistakes with a girl who hadn't loved him but his attention. Violet could not stop her tears. Something in her chemicals was off when Steve held her. She could feel his tension. He was uncomfortable and it made Violet uncomfortable, yet she couldn't let go of him either.
Her crying was driving Steve up a wall. He didn't understand. He couldn't get it. He felt sick for it, but why couldn't she shut the fuck up? He was nearly so close to putting a knife between his eyes. He felt like crying too.
Jen had gently whispered to him as he crossed the living room and kitchen, back and forth with a bouncing, crying baby on his hip. Maybe I should give you two some space. Maybe she misses you. Steve hadn't wanted Jen to go, she could probably see that in his eyes. But he had just nodded and Jen smiled very small at him. A kiss pressed to his cheek and one pressed to Violet's head of brown waves. She promised to be back later.
Now, she sat in her run down car in front of what use to be her own home. That shit four walled trailer that housed so much abuse and death. Jen watched the yellow tape flap around it in the fall wind, and from where she sat she could see part of the hole in the ceiling her sister hung from.
The girl let out a sigh as she pushed open her car door. It was horribly quiet in the trailer park this evening. She's sure Alex's death had hushed up this little lot of people that had seen how much of a mess she'd been. Maybe they felt bad about how they treated her now. Guilty.
Jen felt guilty too. She hadn't even known Alex was in Hawkins.
Jen just stood before her trailer with hands shoved into the pockets of a zip up. She wasn't sure if she was meant to be living with people anymore. She was so used to living alone. To being alone.
"I heard through the grapevine that you're living off Stevie now."
The world around her came to a quick slow. Her heart stopped beating and her fist balled up quick. For a moment her mind just went white. She didn't move, she couldn't. How could she? The foot steps from behind her crunched against the dying ground and ended up next to her. "Least you could do is look at me, Little J."
That fucking voice.
Jen's jaw hardened as her gaze slowly moved to her right. And there, in all her fucked up glory stood Lowen Odette. Staring at her made Jen's lips part. Lowen smiled, hands twinkling down at her sides. "I know, right? Don't I look sweetened!"
Lowen looked nothing how she did when she once lived in Hawkins. Her face was fuller but still defined. Eyes dragging down from the drugs were gone. Not a lick of under eye baggage. Her hair had grown long and dyed darker. She had a little bit of bangs. Her lips were painted red. The coat that covered her was thick and expensive looking. Everything about her was so clean. She smelled like damn cinnamon.
As Jen stared at the girl tears pushed at her ducts. She got out. She got good. She left Alex. Alex didn't get out. Am I going to get out? Am I dying here? "What the fuck are you doing here?" Jen sneered, all her eighteen years of anger in her voice.
This girl before Jen looks beautiful. If Steve loved her before she looked this good, what would happen if he saw her now? He'd have to fall in love with her again if she looked like this.
Lowen rolls her lips, the red on them didn't even smudge. The brunette shuffles on her feet, her hair pushes perfectly in the wind. Her eyes never leave Jen's teary ones. "My best friend died, Jen."
Jen cannot believe she is staring at her right now.
Jen scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Does anyone know you're here?" Lowen's eyes narrow a little, "My best friend did die, Jennifer." Jen suddenly laughs, tears dripping. She shakes her head as she glares at the girl. "Don't fucking call me that. That is not my name." Jen's finger is pointed at the brunette, she steps closer to her. "Yeah, alright, your best friend fucking died. So what! You left her! You trapped her here in that shit life you guys were fucking living and fuck, Lowen! She dragged me down into that shit! Yeah, Alex fucking died and you were not here! So why do you give a sudden fuck!" She hadn't realized, but her finger was stabbing into Lowen's chest. Her skin was so warm and alive under the pad of Jen's pointer finger. No longer deathly boney. Jen, for a second, wanted to push her entire palm into Lowen's chest. To feel that warmth. To feel that best of her heart. But she'd rather hurt herself than ever touch Lowen Odette with love behind it.
Lowen Odette was alive. Alex Leadison was not.
Jen was up in the girls face, chests brushing. Lowen let out a breath, "J, you need to back up." Jen scoffed, "since when have you cared about manners?" Lowen now scoffed and pushed the girl back from her, but it didn't work much as Jen struck her palm across the girls face. Lowen's face swung to the side, her hair falling as a curtain. Jen's chest was heaving with anger. "Do you know what you've left in this town and you have the energy to show the fuck up?" Jen bends at the waist a little to find Lowen's eyes behind her hair, Lowen's already looking for herâunmoving.
Someone, somewhere in the dark was probably watching them.
"Lowen your fucking kid is over that hill and three neighborhoods down and you're telling me my sister has fucking died!" Jen cannot even begin to explain what she's feeling right now.
Lowen slowly starts up straight again, eyes on Jen. She doesn't speak, so Jen does. "Do you even begin to understand what you've done to Steve? To his life? To his home? Do you even fucking care?"
For the first time since she appeared, Jen sees the tears in Lowen Odette's eyes. "Jen, your sister is dead."
Jen takes a step back, a broken scoff spilling past her. Why can't she stop crying? Lowen frowns at the girl, like she's a little girl who needs comfort. Why is she looking at me like that? Why the fuck is she looking at me like that!
"Jen, Alex is dead." Why won't Lowen shut the fuck up.
"Jenâ" Jen screams.
Alex Leadison is dead. I know it now.
There's too many questions to ask and probably not enough time in the world for it all.
Jen sits on the ground, back pressed against her trailer as Lowen sits on the picnic table before it. Her hands are tucked into one another over her lap. She looks so clean and Jen looks so Jen. "Are you good?" Lowen asks gently, head titled to the side. How can she possibly look like this?
Jen stares at the girl and takes her in again, takes her in for all that she is now. It's almost laughable. "What the hell are you wearing?" Is the first thing that spills from Jen's lips. Lowen looks down at her clothes, the coat, "It's not anything special if you're wondering."
Jen glares, "You look like girls that look like Nancy Wheeler."
Lowen scoffs, "That's insulting."
Jen rolls her eyes, "Alright, but I'm not wrong. And stop avoiding the questions. You disappear for a year, my sister dies, I get to ask questions."
Lowen nods slowly. "Alright, fine. The clothes don't matter." Jen hums, chin pushed towards the girl. "They matter when you use to look like what you did."
"Was some town in Boston. Met a lot of different people."
Jen's nails push into her palms. "Boston? What was in Boston?" Lowen stares, "Alex wanted to go to Boston."
"That's why you went? For my sister and you didn't even take her with you?" Lowen glares. "I tried too! Of course I asked her to come with me! She said some stupid shit like she'd help me with the kid and everyone would give us weird looks because of it. She said all this shit and I thought she was stupid for it. But when I finally decided I wanted to go and do all her fucking bullshit, she said she couldn't go."
Jen stares, "Why?"
Lowen scoffs, arms folding over herself. And for a second, she looks like the girl she was before she left. A drug loaded and angry mess who was constantly jealous of everyone else. "Because of you. She wasn't going anywhere without you and she knew you wouldn't want to leave here. Not in the middle of high school. Your mom died here, you weren't leaving. And I.. I couldn't wait for her. So I left. Without her."
The pounding in Jen's chest slows down. "She stayed for me?"
Lowen hums, "Yeah, but from what I heard sounded like more trouble than it was worth. You guys are friends with the chief now."
"Jim Hopper isn't a bad guy like you two said. You and Alex were just stupid with laws."
"Whatever. You got anything else for me?"
"You only came back because of that? Alex being dead? You feel like you owe it to her?"
"Yeah. That's all."
Jen's eyes move down to Lowen's shoes, they look new. "Did you ever think of your kid when you were comin' down here?" Jen's eyes snap back up to Lowen. The brunette takes a breath, "No."
"She's a good kid, Lowen."
"Yeah, I figured you'd know that. You have a knack for cleaning up our messes. Alex and I." Her tones a little snappy as she says it. Jen glares at her. "Don't get mad at me because you fucked Steve Harrington over."
"Do you think he loves you?" Excuse me?
Jen's lips part, brows turned in. "I don't fucking know. We're not even, like, actually together like that. We're just helping each other out. I'm helping him with his kid and he's keeping me from being homeless."
"What happened with Eddie, Jen?" I have no clue. "Nothing." Lowen hums, a look on her face that makes Jen uncomfortable. "Right. Do you have anything planned for Alex?"
"I'm broke incase you forgot and if it wasn't for your guy, I'd be homeless. So no, I have nothing planned for Alex." Lowen glares. "Steve is not my guy. And Alex is having a funeral. She deserves one."
Jen glares down at her own shoes, scuffed and old. The girl stands from the dirt, dragging it from her jeans with her palms quickly. "You know what, do what you want. Have a funeral or don't. I don't give a shit. My sister was horrible and she only ever gave a shit about you, and she couldn't even do that right. Who cares if she stayed for me, it wasn't any good." Jen fishes for her keys and moves towards her car. Lowen doesn't move, staring down at her shoes.
As Jen stands at her car door she looks back at the new changed brunette. She just can't shut the fuck up. "Lowen."
The brunette looks up and turns over her shoulder. "What Jen."
Jen breathes. "I know you lied. About the baby. I knew you knew it was Steve's. You knew, Alex knew, for weeks, for probably months, and still didn't tell him. I know what you did."
Lowen's lips part for a moment as she stands a little too quick. She rushes towards Jen's car, "Jenniferâ" Jen's never seen her panicked before. This is quite fun.
"Listen to me Lowen. I swear to god, if you try and walk back into Steve's life. Into Violet's. I will come for you. I will do anything and everything to tear you down. You fucked him. For life. I won't let you do it again."
Lowen stares, in slight shock. "You.. You love him?"
Jen scoffs as she gets into her car. "Yeah, so fucking what. You don't know what we've been through. I'm going to do a better job than what you did."
Monsters. Monsters. Monsters, Lowen. That's what.
Lowen backs away, almost stumbles. "I'll have a funeral for Alex. I'll have someone get you the information."
Jen starts up her car, "I won't be there."
"She's your sister. You'll be there."
"Lowenâ"
"It's just incase."
She gets back to Steve's later than she means to, obviously. She'd stopped by the cemetery and sat in her car, she meant to go see her mother's name on a tomb. But she couldn't get out of the car, so instead she cried for a while before she gathered herself and left back to Loch Nora.
Then she sat down the street from Steve's house for a while just breathing and staring at absolutely nothing. She happens to wonder about Nancy a little. What are her and Jonathan up to? She stops herself from it just as quickly.
Now when she pulls her car into his driveway, he's already there. On her tail. Waiting. Staring her down from the front steps. He looks showered and tired and cold. He's leaning back against his brown doors, arms folded over his chest. He looks quite scary.
He speaks the second she steps out of her car. "It's really late, Jen." Her eyes meet his and she can see the freak in them. The terrified look of being left alone. Jen suddenly wants to retch. There is still dirt on her skin. Lowen is still lingering, somewhere. She pushes out a shaking breath as she slams her door shut. "I know. I'm sorry," is all she can manage. She can't tell Steve what really happened. Not even for his sake, for her own.
He's all I got right now. I cannot lose him.
Maybe that makes her selfish. She doesn't care.
Steve wrings his hands together in front of himself, "You're okay, right?" The girl nods slowly as she locks her car. "I'm okay," she says gently as she moves towards the boy. He meets her a few steps before his front doors. She's not sure why she's a little shocked when he takes her into a quick hug. His face is in her hair. His arms are tight around her. She slowly wraps herself around him but she's terrified he can smell her. Smell the dirt. Smell the trailer park. Smell Lowen. Smell the cemetery. Smell her car. Smell her tears. She is so terrified that he will see her for what she is.
She has nothing to offer him.
She can't breathe. "Can I take a shower?" She asks way too quick. He pulls back a little and his pinky moves stands of hair from her face. He nods, smiles a little. The look of fear is still in his eyes. "Yeah, of course. Whatever you want." He wants to say this is your home too, but he knows that's too much. This doesn't even feel like his home and he's been here his whole life.
He lets her in first and watches how she still looks unsure of herself here. Her hands are shaking a little. Why are her hands shaking. Not all the lights are on throughout the house. "Did you finally get Violet down?" She asks softly, over her shoulder. Steve locks the door, eyes landing on her. "Yeah. Took a while. I think she made herself tired from all the crying... I think she just needed to be alone for a little. With like no one."
Jen smiles a little, it looks anxious. What is wrong with her?
Steve gently clears his throat before they move up the stairs. "Um.. Where'd you go?" He feels weird for asking, like he doesn't have a right to know. But he wants to know. She was gone for a while. He panicked. What if she had made up with Eddie Munson? What if he took her in again?
Jen turns to face him, her eyes can't seem to focus on his own. He watches them bounce all over his face. "I was just at the trailer park. Sat in my car for a while staring at my trailer. I don't really know why I went there.."
He doesn't believe her, but he chooses to.
When they're upstairs, she gets clothes from the guest room for her shower. They both move very quietly as Violet sleeps. Steve watches Jen move deeper into his room, she disappears behind the bathroom door. When she's gone his shoulders sag. He wants a damn cigarette. He knows he shouldn't. He kicks off his shoes and climbs into his bed. He sleeps closer to the wall and window. He lays on his side facing the window, the blinds are cracked. He sees out into the night, there's few stars and an odd feeling in his chest.
He wishes he could sleep, but he can't. He's insanely tired but the tiredness goes nowhere. It just rots in his chest.
He stares for so long at nothing but night that he doesn't even hear the shower turn off.
He comes back from night when he hears clothes rustling.
He doesn't move when the bathroom door opens and the light is flickered off.
He doesn't move when Jen moves towards his bed in the dark.
She doesn't even move to get in it. Her arms are folded over herself, protectively. Steve knows she's standing there. He can feel her. He reaches his left hand out, back towards her. He still is not facing her. She can see it in the moonlight. Her hand slowly moves into his. When she's in his grasp he yanks a little and knee by knee she gets into bed. Her front is pressed to his back. Her arm is wrapped around him, hand still in his. Her nose is cold against the back of his hot neck.
He knows she was lying.
She knows he knows she was lying.
Yet neither of them say anything about it.
He holds her close regardless of the lies.
She lets him hold her close, because who else will.
While this might be convenient for her, it's not the only reason she's here. She wants to hold Steve Harrington in her palm. She's not sure if she loves him like Lowen said. But she knows she could. She cares about him. She saw him in a way no one else chose to. He knows that. He fucking knows that.
Maybe this is convenient for him. Someone to hold him. Someone to mother his girl.
Maybe that's all this is, convenient.
It's late when the phone rings in the Leadison trailer. No one is there. No one is allowed to be there. Not sure why they're calling to a ruined home. Surprised the phone there is still working. But they wait, like someone will pick up the receiver. They have to, right? No one does. "Hey, it's Jen. The Leadison's. Sorry we couldn't get to your call. I don't know what we've might've been doing to not answer. We're honestly probably not home. We never really are. You should try again later, though. You might get one of us. Bye." She sounds younger. A little more happier. A lot softer. Her voice and tones makes the caller sick to their stomach.