SHIN
When you don't think.
You do the unthinkable.
For instance, When Lee took an eternity to retire from the washroom, with a tense knuckle I knocked at the door. When I failed to receive a reply- I scream over and over. Shouting his humble name to get him out. After I showered, he had immediately sauntered off to kick start the day. he vanished since then. He wasn't a long shower taker, contrary to the popular belief that handsome beings take a herculean time to pamper themselves. Lee and I were abnormally easy with our routines.
But not today.
Though the bathroom with high floor jacuzzi, a chair, and an LED monitor was to die far. We seldom utilized any of it. So far at least. But today- I heard the stereo rage through what was behind the wall. The bass beats bounced faintly as I touched the door.
"LEE"
No answer.
"SHAUN KIM LEE"
The noise increased drastically.
"PLEASE THROW THE BAG OF MAKEUP AT MY FACE AND KINDLY RESUME WHAT YOU ARE DOING"
The music didn't perish, but thankfully the door got yanked open. I collect myself from lurching forward as I had been dramatically leaning by the plank of wood to get my message across. But what I wasn't doing was- a decent job of keeping my mouth shut as he stood there with an untied bathrobe. The steamy abs exposed for an uncalled reason. His belted trouser hung by the hip line. I don't glance at his face immediately- mistake to not be made as such in future must be noted. Because Lee was as unforgiving as he is in norms. They must be very little fibs that he could tease me about later. I can't afford more.
"That's a good physique right there" craning my neck I muster an appreciative nod. I can't let him know I was affected- not a least bit. His lips quirk into a vague smirk. He raised a remote above his head, when he pressed at a button. The music stops.
"How do I know this is a façade?" he pokes my left cheek with his index "They are turning red"
Swatting his hand I walk in, the giant mirror by the sink provides me an access to track him- he arrived and stood behind me. A goofy grin nurturing his humor. Accidently I glance in the forbidden path once more. Gaining a chuckle and shake of the head from him. When I pick the bag of makeup to take it along-
"If you leave now, you are only going to prove me right. You are flustered aren't you?"
For a moment, our gaze lock through the reflection. He then ambles to the seater next to the steamer- tying the white towel robe he sat down with his side facing me, All while a dusty smile plays across his lips. His policies were self-centered but seldom came across as conceited. If anything, he seems to pledge with facts more than forcing an opinion. He was never wrong.
When he allowed me to use him for comfort, he didn't know or needed to know what it was about. He only wanted to be the cure for a disease he doesn't know. But his prescription couldn't be any more inclined.
Groping through the tubes of lipsticks through the pouch I select my usual coral peach tone for the day. The sun was off its leash, as if the rainy episode never happened. It was wildly radiant. And my full-sleeved cotton top and skinny jeans weren't a summery wear. But since I was running out of sunscreen â I can't let my sensitive skin fight without armor.
As I applied the thick, long-lasting tint on my lips. Lee began to bombard me with questions so obvious that I paused for a second.
"You are going out?"
No Lee, I want to look good so I can be home so that I could compose a song with my fish.
"Yes" caressing my lips with my finger to smear the color in even, I internally scream at how I got caught checking Lee out twice in a minute. Hormones thrilled with the imagery of provocative thoughts that I kept bashing away. But I continue to speak as he had his gaze highlighted at what I have to say "There is this guy-
"Ah a guy"
"Will you let me finish?" my heart raced with how soon his outlines soured in distaste. He wasn't the same person the second a flicker of ambiguous emotion struck through him. He lowered his head, inspecting his palms- it was better that way. To not have him in the vicinity.
"Isn't it always starts with a guy?" it was cold- and raw. I wasn't naïve to know how our marriage was going. I could end this by lying to him. Today it's an attraction. But tomorrow it could be more if left untreated. But I don't do it. I was pathetically so selfish, the with a clumsy smile I don't venture twice before steering his doubts away. But he beats me to it.
"It always begins with a guy"
He was unbelievable.
"I spilled coffee on his designer clothes so now I have to repay him to do so- he wants me to meet his fashion coordinator. I know it's stupid. But he insisted" I exhale applying a coat of mascara on my lashes "I don't want to go. But I feel guilty"
Not yet recovered from his own theories he nudged his nose stonily in the air.
"Don't go then"
"What?"
"I'll go instead of you. I will buy him some flowers and take him on a date. I'll creep him out to the point he won't use such cheap tactics to lure an innocent girl in" with each letter added, he stood up slowly. His stare shone with consideration. He wasn't bluffing, was he?
"Innocent girl? You think I don't know what he is doing?" I jump as he passed by, shrugging off the robe with his back to me. He reached for the navy blue t-shirt that he had it hung by the bar line. He pulls it through him, he turns around once he got through the sleeve- I throw my entire focus towards applying my eyeliner. I don't wing it through the first try like usual.
"So you are still going?" it was accusative.
"Yes" was I squeaking?
"Fine" he sighs, shifting beside me to style his hair. He stared at me from above with a furrowed brow, and suddenly he nudged me hard using his hip. Stumbling a couple of steps to the side I grunt. Pretending to be stable. "I am coming with you"
"It's my respo-
"Did I stutter Shin?" he was morphing into a molten dark chocolate. Bitter for the tongue but good for health. So I swallow my pride as he employed the black blazer to compliment his outfit as I brush my hair. The heat from the bath he had in prior was respirating through the room still.
How hot was his temperature preference?
It also smelled like him. There wasn't an apt fragrance that defined him. But it reminds me of forest and sunset. He smells and felt warm. But also strong. Firm, but nothing that is too heavy on you.
"Okay then. Let's help this grown-up man find his fit" I tap at my cheeks to get the daytime serum in when my wrist gets grabbed and my hand gets shaken like a twig in front of my face.
"Where's the ring?" he asks, his eyes trained tiredly on my finger.
"In the bag" with the freehand I fish through it and present it to him. He snatched it from me and slipped it in with a angry nose scrunch.
"This" he announced "-this ring is an anti-pervert exposure. Wear it even when you are home"
Stifling a weak laugh I nod.
"I don't think the man is a pervert" I admit as he released me with a chuckle. He leaves me with a lingering statement to ponder upon.
"You also probably think that I am not one either"
Cracking my spine I pout squinting/once he was out of vision, flexing my shoulders in intervals. Wondering if Lee knows that it's not just them. Or him. Girls can be one too. Because I sure as hell am.
***
It was five hours ago.
But it doesn't seem like it.
The clock strikes twelve- the longer and shorter hands meet sharply by the grandiose clock. I wrap my thoughts around the fact that it wasn't much, the amount of period that had passed since I was at the private park. Rethinking and cursing at the choices I made. It almost felt like the memory was a ghost- unreal until the moment Lee came into the picture.
My fingers tear through my hair as I looked at him scoff his plate of waffles, brooding as I blinked in self-pity. He was flirty, outgoing, and comically positive in nature. He probably was behaving in such a way since he is chained to me because of our legal bonding. With my elbow propped on the table of I hop where Lee pulled over to grab his breakfast- I lick my lips in anticipation.
But nothing came out.
"Say it. Even if it's an insult. I won't mind" he forks a piece of pineapple as he speaks. He doesn't lookup. I was that obvious when I was with him. But when I start- I got distracted by the necessity. So I tell him.
"We should get some shrimps and fish. I do think I can survive on frozen food and take outs anymore" he stared at me through his lashes, chewing slowly.
"I can't cook"
He confessed.
"Me neither"
There was no shame in it. so I drum my nails across the screen of my phone that I had it place on the side.
"We can learn. It's healthy"
He sniffs nodding, a hesitative touch to it. Almost as if he was having a war flashback. But then he directed his butter knife at me- his brow arced artistically. The sun rays kissed his face lovingly, like a liquification from an angel's halo. Then I realized that it was the lights reflecting from the metal beams that were framing the window panel. He wasn't a Disney prince for him to-
What was I doing?
Yes, I was staring at him.
"Let's go back to square one. What were you going to ask me before your grocery chart served as an alibi?" uncapping the small bottle of water I drink it with a nonchalant shrug, by then I was done he still was awaiting my response.
"Know that you can't escape this" his confidence riled me meticulously. So I offer him another fill.
"Why do you call yourself Lee? Isn't your official name just Shaun Kim. You were born with it" as I say it- it took me a while to grasp the depth of it. Why had I not thought of it before? Why was I asking him this in the form of an excuse when this does seem strange? Shaun Kim- does that mean his original name is Shaun?
It cloaks his face- like a glove. I stare at him in surprise. But he was answering me with a smile, so I shift my jaw upright.
"It's a long story, but to be brief" he wipes the corner of his mouth with a napkin, his orbs turns hazel under the bright invasion. He was a sunshine himself- so there wasn't much harm a sun could do to him. He didn't seem bothered though. "I was sent here when I was in seventh grade. I studied at a private boarding school because after Dad became a senator the family's security became the priority. Since I was quite weak in studies, Dad was against the idea of homeschooling me. So they made me pack my bags and suddenly I was flying miles away from home"
I cannot move or think of anything to say. I merely listen without an interruption. His words comb through me as my chest condensed. My heart heavy on me. His family wasn't safe- ever. I recall the morning when I had turned the T.V with a bag of chips on my lap. The news flashed with a cropped image of the senator and how he got kidnapped on the night of his son's eighteenth birthday party in the U.K. Apparently he was brought back to safety after three to four hours of severe FBI operation.
Son's birthday?
Was it Lee?
As I yearned to know deeper, I remember how Mom ran in to my room. The day was vivid in memory of how She had seized the remote- switching it shut. As a mother, kidnapping and abduction or even the thought of it wasn't a farce- her eyes frightened by the thought of anything identical triggering her daughter with discomfort. She had been through the trauma once. I don't think she was capable of it again.
It's useless to pretend as if you are undefeated. Nothing much remains the same. The victims gather new perspectives. We can't help but see the world in a different light. If a person survives, they lose faith in humanity. They begin to search for the cracks that renders one evil. Trust- the promise that comes with the term becomes a hollow lie. Then you learn new fears. The ones that weren't there.
It was funny, really. I got abducted after my school hours. I had carried the trophy I won in an interschool oration competition. It was the last sermon where I had smiled on stage- ecstatic to speak in front of so many people from the various stage of life. The last day I held the mic with the joy of recognizing how I want to be heard. As of now- I can't even hear myself clearly. It's noisy in there.
But today- as I sat here with Lee. It wasn't the same. I felt safe when he was around, like how I feel with my family . It again, shouldn't be this way. As for the feel of it, it was understandable since we both were grown-ups and physically it was impossible to not sense the pull. It was better to acknowledge our shameless philosophies than to open a door for something worse. I can't let the emotions get to me. Not with him. Not with anyone.
But here I was, nipping at his utterance religiously. I was so lost in it that had to remind myself to get my shit together.
"You regret leaving Seoul?" I caress my wrist nervously, he breathes a smile.
"It's odd. I don't" he leans slightly as if he wanted me to hear this "When I was fifteen, I was taller for my age. using my mother's surname Lee as an alternate identity I would sneak out to partake in illegal street racing. I wouldn't have been able to do that with guards flocking around in Korea now would I?"
"You began your career with street racing?" I ask, my excitement frizzing despite my try to obstruct them "Is that how you got your name?"
He lifts one of his shoulders with a smug jerk.
"When I won consistently with people older than me- I thrived with the idea of gearing into the professional world. where speed was a language that everyone spoke. But not everything is permanent in showbiz is it?"
We don't exchange anything after that, it was futile. He doesn't need me to tell him how he should feel- he knows what to do. So exiting the eatery we got into his car, when the engine purrs â igniting the car with a low hiss, I turn to him with a wide intake of breath.
"You can help me complete the tasks"
In his seat I watch him transcend from poised to wonder. And finally, he blooms into a grinning mess.
"What changed?"
Chewing on my lower lip I recount. What changed?. Maybe at times it was wise to let the water flow casually. Barricading them will only cause it to rage a tide that was meant to be calm.
To dumb it down.
Pushing this away might repel us with a whiplash we weren't prepared for. And also it was just fair that-
"It's fair after you keep answering me everything I ask if you"
A countable three seconds passes between my reasoning and his rejoinder.
"How many are there?" he dives into it, throwing away a moment where I could regain.
"Ten"
"Shoot" he guns it at me using his accessible hand while he wheels with the other. I nod, digging my heels into the mat. With a soft voice, I let it go-
"I want to get chased by that police"
He chuckled, glancing at me as if what I said was adorable . It was the same as Hwans when he comes across any Godzilla franchise for the tenth time. My brother thinks giant nuclear monsters are cute. I worry for his love life.
"That's funny," he remarks "Now the real one" he gestures with an authoritative tone. But-
"It is real. I want to be in a police chase. It doesn't have to be serious- but I want them to tail behind me" the image was so alluring in my head that I was soon supporting a fat grin. Unfortunately, his were gone. "I also want to visit an escape room. the haunted kind. Then I want to try some disgusting insects, they can be fried with spices though, so I don't puke. Also, I want to punch someone deserving. I have it practiced on my brother â so I do know how to pack one good-
"Shin"
"Yeah"
There was a short dose of silence followed by that. Then he brought the car in reverse- as he was driving into a free lane he looked at me through side-
"Is there something that's normal among the list?" then his lids thins in suggestive note "Like kissing in rain or falling asleep under a starry sky?"
Rolling my eyes with a sly smile I snuggle in my position.
"I do. I want to get a tattoo. Learn to ride a horse, Visit an island. Buy my own car and to participate in a public event" I tick them on the empty air , the lazy smile Lee had was an imitation of mine "Are those normal enough?"
"Very" we entered the gates of a large brick studio. Lee and I got out- soon we walking side by side. As we enter, I postly prepared to let a hefty hole invade my savings. It was huge- I let my gaze sweep through the ghastly interior. Lee had his hands inside his pockets, his forehead creasing. Was he getting bored? Is he regretting-
"They were only nine"
Forget the paranoia.
"What was?"
He regards me acquisitively, his lips twitching.
"You said there were ten things you wanted to do. But you only mentioned nine. You thought I wouldn't notice?" my body goes cold inside my clothes as I pretend to be unbothered. I wasn't speculating he would wink it in so soon. I didn't even think that he would take this into account as seriously as he is doing it now. The last of it- was just for me. I don't want anyone to know- but the time was running out. I don't know if I'll be able to outrun them. I can't crawl- at this rate I was bound to fail.
So when a staff clad in a pencil skirt and pastel green shirt walked to me with her hips swaying in class, I instantly move to glance at Lee. He was still frowning and had his gaze welded on her. But when I connected the line I acknowledged how it wasn't the hips he was so keen on- but a bouquet of flowers that she was carrying with her.
"Miss Han?" she asks.
"Uh-yes" I clear my unprepared throat.
Her lips were glossier than the black epoxy flooring that we stood on, she spoke offering me the souvenir-
"Sir will arrive soon. He sent these flowers as an apology for the wait"
I don't receive it. In fact- it never comes my way. Lee paws at it, snatching and stepping away in few quick motions. He smiles at the girl- the polished mannerism with spearing purpose in the wake.
"Mrs. Kim is actually allergic to flowers. So I'll just keep this somewhere" with that he simply flung it across the nearest couch a couple feet from us. The exclusive shock on the girl's face was evident so I had to help her.
"I am Miss Han. That's my husband. We recently got married and stuff" her smile stuttered and succumbed as she nods. she advised us to sit while she went to grab some drinks for us. she didn't return.
"That was rude of you?"
He plops next to me, adjusting his shirt by stretching it through his hem.
"You care?"
I think of it thoroughly.
"No. Not really. But I should feel bad shouldn't I?"
He clicks his tongue. He smirks scrutinizing me avidly, my mouth dries out at how hectic it was to be merely looked at by him.
"You aren't as sympathizing as I thought you were," he says, his voice acquired a dark edge that was first for me.
Your friend, his assistant and you think I am a bitch. And you don't even know that the bitch you think of a bitch is just me being a bitch. No surprise there- I don't have a friend. I scared them away with my wit and nervous blunders. So no- I am not sympathetic. I don't even feel sorry for myself.
Our gaze poured into each other, peculiarly, the time slowed down while I studied him. It was beautiful to be a part of such a still moment until
-Until a mystique sound of the camera going off caused us both to tear our sight off of each other and gawk at the direction of a man dressed in pure denim. He had his hair up in a bun and yellow ray bans hung by the v of his neckline. He removed the camera from his face and smiled politely.
"I am sorry. But the moment you both were sharing by then, begged to be captured. I'll send them to you- trust me you'll be thankful"
Lee wasn't as lost as I was- he was up in instant-
"I know you"
The man smiled, raising the camera.
"We had collaborated for a session once. You said you want to be called Lee. Am I right?"
They were an old acquaintance, let me repeat they were. His name was Samuel Krigen, and he was here to do his job. But the subject who was to be shot here was struck somewhere and samuel was running around the studio to kill the time. one thing led to another and soon Lee wished to know if I had ever had a photo taken by a professional. Like the monument of honesty I was- I confessed the truth. And that's how I found myself seated in a cherry red chaise lounge, with an artist adding some finishing touches to my makeup. The ring light flicks on as I was addressed to pose for the folio.
Lee stood behind the photographer as I glared at him. I had no clue of what to be done. Was anyone even going to direct me?
"It's not for the passport sweetie"Lee ushers me, the grin can't fool me now. he was enjoying this more than he should. For the same of God I was here because of him "Relax"
He mouths the last word. The weight doest leave my shoulder. I look around for some inspiration- there were large posters of gorgeous models contorting their bodies into an aesthetic positions. I take in the one where a ginger dressed in a loose fit had her ankles tipped in an acute angle.
Before I could bail on it- I removed my shoes. Kicking it aside. I check the flexibility of my skinny jeans- since it was of a popular brand it didn't disappoint me. I do a split first- I think I heard a gasp from the cute makeup artist I had hovering above me. I grab my ankle with my gaze hot on the photo of the model. My muscle and bone allows me to mold my body like hers. Despite years of quitting the gym class, I maintained my contortive moves so that I could hit and kick Hwan from angles he least expects me to.
Weirdly- I was using it today. I tilt my face to look at the photographer. He wasn't behind the lens anymore- his mouth was wide open â his teeth on show. Barely was he hiding his thoughts. Plunging into the feels I skip from looking at Lee as the flash goes off. Then another- then more.
Samuel kept cheering me up and encouraging me. constantly reminding me how good they were coming out. But my ears never came across the good job sweetie from the man I want to hear it from. After ten minutes of various elusive poses. I blink rapidly, adjusting to the normal lights after bearing the glaring assault.
I smile when I see Lee- he had his arms crossed, he stood in the same place he was before. But the grin and soft, playful stares seem to have died down amidst the darkness that shadowed him once the shoot had begun. Did the change of lightings affect him as well?
"You okay?" I ask, was he feeling down? "Do you want to sit somewhere? should I get you something?" I look around so I could fetch him water- has he even been taking care of himself? as I saw a booth I try to move- but I felt him pull me back. Hold me in from loitering off.
"I am fine" he didn't sound fine. His voice was deeper than usual- when he breathes it comes of ragged. I would have missed it if I wasn't so sure how he is in general.
"You aren't lying are you?" he moves his head to the side, implying a no. I sigh- but abruptly I realized what had happened. I chirp- never in million years would I have behaved so childishly. But I was excited to be validated "How was i? are they any good?"
For few seconds he doesn't spill anything. He only watched me. Was he trying to build the anticipation? If so, then it worked. When he said it. I believed him.
"It was perfect"
He steps near, I wait for him to say something more. But he veers in a path that seem be expressive in itself. More than what a phrase could convey. The commotion around us subsides into a plain silence. At least for me it does. I cannot hear anything else other the beats of my heart that rushed to my ears. He wasn't suffocating me. Neither was he invading a voluntary space. But still my course of thoughts went haywire by how intense he was staring at and through me.
His lips parts to say something. I don't hear it since the minute got fractured by a girls voice.
"Miss Han"
His clutch leaves me, suddenly it was cold. He blinks retreating, halting when he hears the girl announce-
"Mr. Moreno has arrived"
P.s
Unedited.
So...?