LEE
Nothing appears to faze me from sulking. Every morning I wake up in my hometown with a sense of alienation. As if I didn't belong to both the worlds, I seem to be losing my cause along with my sanity. And I only have to thank myself for that- at twenty-two I was a hopeless cause. So I ditched the day's office schedule and walked out from a meeting, not that I had any clue as to what was being presented to me. A workaholic father, monotonous staffs, and robotic application of trust on me wasn't something I had in mind when I agreed to let it come my way.
Sipping on the bitter coffee at a book café nearby I frowned at the avid readers, this place was more depressing than the office- but since drinks were good I let it slide. But as minutes passed with me suckling on the straw with further observation netting my way- I skipped my gaze to each desk where most of them seem to have their nose buried inside one particular book with black and orange spine, the title that I squint to read was futile but it was embossed in lavish calligraphy. I could make that one out.
I would be lying if I hadn't come across the book before, this café has been my go-to since a month- My socializing skills had been declining profusely because of how choppy my Korean has become after having spent most of my growth years in states, most of the time I miss on the honorifics which doesn't end well with the elders. I also at times mix up the languages and fail to use the apt term across. Since this café was basically a book store camouflaged as a food hub, it provided me the silence and peace I craved so diligently.
I have seen the peculiar book circulating countless wise- with it I also witnessed the changing colors on the said reader's faces. It resembled of a war flashback, it was entertaining to see how serious they were about a stupid book. How moving could it be? No matter what it is- it still was fiction. I wouldn't know because I have never been one to find out. But today- I found myself hovering over the racks of this glassy library in search for the copy-
I found none.
They were all gone - sold like a hot cake. My curiosity twisted me into coercing a nerdy high schooler into handing me over the paperback he had- for thrice the price of a hardcopy. Luckily the student was greedy, so I came back to my cosy corner to discover what the literary commotion was all about, but before I flipped it open my gaze fell upon the name of the author, strangely not the title- but the author.
Elixir.
My first instinct was to realize how stunning the name was- the serum for eternal life. With such positivity radiating from a writer's name, I dived into the introduction. Reading the opening-
It was nothing like I had imagined.
There is nothing ever more pacifying than waking up to a morning of assassination-
And from that line to the nine at night- I had digested half of the crazy world in there. I got out when I was told the café was closing in for the day. I stayed up the night and googled upon the next in series by the dawn.
I growled In agony when the stats informed placidly that it will take a year more. I re-read the book thrice during the period, each time I did so, I discovered the unconditional depth and symbolism it withheld. It was a work of genius, though I won't admit It was the female lead with her insecurities and social phobias that had me. She was beautifully crafted into a character to be brave inside but a calculated explosion out. Inara was my first fictional crush at the age of twenty-three-
Pathetic- but nobody will ever know.
And it was because of her I came to recognize of the struggles that comes with a specific disorder. Soon I found myself trying to control my anger towards the vulnerable staff who I suspected of retaining low self-esteem. I always saw the little part of Inara in them. But never the entire.
Because Inara was a mess. She was a foul mouth, she had worlds inside her head where she served as a warrior- she was feisty. Her small contribution always led to bigger outcomes while she secretly enjoyed the chaos she caused with an innocent smile.
It was impossible to meet someone like her in real life. I knew it and so I waited for the sequel to come out patiently. Cursing the Elixir once in a while to pick his lazy ass up and get done with it under his review graph.
Though I loved the characters, my passion was to hate the author. The knack for killing his own creation without a second thought seems to be his forte- he doesn't seem to spare one good thing in a person's life. At one point I even wrote a page long mail to approach him with an offer to not kill Mathews, my other favorite character who I revised by the cunning pattern, I knew my man was going to be the next sacrificial goat.
I held back respecting the artist.
He died in the next book.
Elixir was a grim reaper. No one likes grim reaper. Not me. Not anyone.
Yes, I have a personal vendetta against someone I'll never meet. But at least I had a fictional Inara alive with me- that chances of meeting someone like her was low, but for now, I was relieved that she was alive though not in the substantial universe.
She apparently did existed in the real world.
Her name was Shin and she was more Inara than Inara herself. It was like the fantasy where you couldn't understand a thing, I- at times dream in Spanish with subtitles written on the floor for me to understand the concept. But with Shin- it was stranger. Every little thing she did, ate, spoke or looked was just a replica of a damn fictional girl who she didn't even know of.
Or that's what I thought.
The battered copy that she signed with her slight trembling hands was the same. It was the first edition. I knew it because I have it. But what I didn't know, and was blind to an actual fact was how good was she at cursively signing a book under the tag of Elixir because I personally believed that this was a part of those bizarre dreams I have where I try to conduct on meeting on satin curtains and fight for the rights on koalas maternity holidays.
The girl hugged Shin, shin hugs her back. For some reason, Edmund looked at shin with the tendency of how a congressman looks at a republican who has two heads instead of one. As seconds kept ticking by, I was frowning harder. Wondering why was I hell-bent on convincing a reality to be an illusion.
When shin turned around staring at her shoes- I still was caught up in the things that weren't adding up.
"I'll be back in a few" she exhales taking a slow step back, I don't follow her but when Edmund takes one ahead she takes off running. The exit was near so it doesn't take her long to vanish. Edmund rooted in the ground turns to me with a big fat grin- sarcastic grin to precise.
"What was that?" he asks smiling through the damage. Fischer perhaps was the only one who looked stable among us as he came and stood in the middle, sipping in a bottle of chocolate milk. He squints his gaze by where Shin left-
"Not what. But who" he nods with a drained chuckle " That was Elixir"
It was silence a second.
Then Edmund and I shared a look of slow panic that seeped in.
Then we took off- only two steps in and we were tumbling down to the floor in a tangle of human limbs.
"What the hell Edmund, get off me" I grunt wheezing, trying to get the man who grabbed my collar among the fiasco, shaking me up.
"Shin is Elixir? Why didn't you tell me?" he whisper yells as I yanked his-
"My wife is Elixir. Why wasn't I told?" by now we both complied with our execution in manly grunts, our eyes filled with the flashbacks of why she might have kept this from us. He runs a hand through his face pushing me aside- though the visitors scattered to their dorms and cottage- there still lingered few who glanced alternatively at two men on the ground battling a crisis. I glared at them. It worked they scrambled away.
"I called her a monster" I muse lifelessly as Edmund rested his back by the reception desk. "Technically I called Elixir a monster" I reasoned.
"I went for her personality-" he stops short and glares at Fischer who sat on a trailer case looking down at us. Literally "What's your excuse?"
Fischer smiled.
He had none.
"You knew?" Edmund exclaimed aggressively "Of course you did, you met her in manila â
"-And at her book signing event, and then multiple times with you guys. She wanted to keep this a secret for some reason. She threatened me to not sell the script if I revealed her identity"
This affects Edmund radically as he got up on his feet, he wobbled as he did so- I emerge his suit dusting my shirt as I stared at the trail she left from. Where was she? Not that I would have known how to act with her here, I just wanted to know why she hid this from me despite I think I knew the answer for it.
"Shin is not capable of something like a threat" it sounded more like a self-assurance than fact as I frowned at Edmund's faith. I arc a brow.
"She certainly is" when I say it, his first instinct was to shrug it off in nonchalance.
"Believes the man who didn't know that shin was-
"Inara is inspired from her. They both are the same- and you know how inara functions. Now equate it with Shin"
Edmund's mouths open in defense when Fischer steps in-
"She hasn't forgiven me about something that happened in Malta to this date. She empathizes with me but won't think twice before deciding to kick me out if the need arises" he narrates it as if it was a morning news and not something that would make us curious.
"What happened in Malta?"
Fischer's chugs his milk away,
"You could ask her that"
If that wasn't enough pressure on me, Edmund cupped my face roughly. Making me look at him ,
"You can do this. Be the best man ever- sweep her off her feet and enchant her with your charms-
Disgusted I claw at his leech-like fingers. The desperation of a director working under his father was hazardous to have around. But since he was my friend I remind him-
"I am not an actor. I don't need a direction"
Psychotically he folded my ears with a grin.
"I can count on you. you'll set things right. Plummet at her feet and apologize from me-
"I attempted that. It didn't work" interrupted Fischer which barely wavered Edmund's spirits.
"Do it anyways- she'll have to let her guard down if-
Was I planning on that? On an apology? Absolutely not. Because I felt the raw hurt and anger in me that I had been keeping at bay since I had Fischer and Edmund around me. the self-doubt was strong as I was considering if I was ever good enough for her. She was gone the moment this accident exposed her- it might have been the constant baseless complaint from me that had her hiding things around.
After Edmund realized how far gone I was, he sympathized to my relief and gave me a useless pat on the back. So soon I was alone to dwell in my thoughts, once I got to my room with our belongings- I sighed taking a seat at the edge of the bed. The room was big- the wooden flooring was a noisy nuisance, the minimalist interior only made the misery apparent. It had a kind king-sized bed with dark sheets and some fresh plants in- nothing else.
Playing with my travel case I spin it, the wheels smoothly changes the axis whenever moved in a clockwise motion. The large glass window on right was closed, but transparent in nature. The view of the adjoining garden and pond was a breathtaking sight. I wait for Shin to come back comprehending how blindly I had been in love with her traits for years even before I knew she existed.
In a matter of seconds, as now I know who she was, everything made sense. The mystery that came with how intensely I was falling for her fell into place. I couldn't help but smile with anger at the thought- why did I ever not tried to get to know her better?
Did I give her too much space? Does she speculate that I wasn't serious about her? Of us?
The low knock on the door escalates my heart. It had never experienced such malfunctions in my life- so when she stepped in her innocent little summer dress and white Nike air force, looking as if she just came out of a conference with angels and fairies, I strived to remind myself that I was supposed to confront her and not- and not â
Forget it.
She closes the door behind her, her gaze brushing mine as she mostly trained them on my shoes. Of course, she was more interested in them- they weren't so bold on her as my stare was.
Her neck tilts, like every damn time before she attempts to gather some courage â she does that. Not a single move of her has ever escaped my vision. Never once since I met her. h
Her lips parts, she tries to hold my gaze, but nothing comes out.
So I help her out. By making it worse.
"I don't know what to say Shin. All I am going to do is stare until you say something" crossing my arm I regard her as she hugged a teddy bear to her chest. Why does she have a stuffed toy with her?
"I won't be able to speak if you look at me like that"
"Do you want me to look away?"
"Yes"
"I won't"
The clutch on the bear visibly sews as I watch her fight the jitters, her gaze soon goes stiff. When no room given, Shin adapts in her own way. She fears, but refused to fear the fear itself. One of the most celebrated quotes from her book.
"I always believed it won't be much of a need to share our personal life with someone who will always be a temporary stop in my life" I didn't like how true that was, but isn't it how we started our journey? "But then you criticized how vile and unjustified my themes were-
She glances at me but hurries into her sentence as if she knew I was bracing to interrupt her. I honestly was.
-by then, I think I already in a way had been feeling these unknown emotions for you and as much as I hated it, I thought revealing it would only tamper with the image you had of me. I was afraid that you'll see me in a different light and not as the same girl that you developed feelings for"
By now she had the brown tanned bear glided towards her front and hugged it to her, the crease she had was almost as if she was mad at me. And I was mad for her.
After the long silence, I glance sideways in a gesture.
"Come here," I say,
"I won't" I blink at her in amusement, she sighs walking over. Even she paused a bit at how ridiculously loud the wood planks were "I am going to sit here because my legs ache- it has nothing to do with your comman-
"Who said you are going to sit there?" before she could react I pull her down, hoisting her so her knees were positioned on either side of me- resting on the bed. She gasps staring wide at me- with the hand that wasn't fastening her I stick the bear aside. Pulling her closer to me in one go, I trace her back- watching her fight my touch as the fingers skim her soft skin was beautiful. She holds onto my shoulder when I duck in- kissing her collar bone while my palms cups the back of her neck as I course lower.
This is what she tried this afternoon to distract me-
It was only fair we continued and I return the favor. But I was losing it- Her fragrance eloped me- the warmth burns me. Begs me to unleash the barriers I have kept so far. It just wasn't fair that she could play me so easily while I was losing in my own game.
"Why do you have that?" I ask kissing my way back up, fisting her hair gently I bring our lips closer, brushing them but never meeting them. Her eyes were closed as she speaks, breathy.
"To compensate- I wanted you to think that I was still cute"
Then I was kissing her. With all I have and with all my need I kiss her. I press her harder against my chest- she was addicting, and in that moment I wanted to be the selfish man who craved to live in her thoughts, to be the source of her everything. To be the one to wake up in the morning beside and spend the night with. The one with who she could share her day and laugh away the worries. The one who was hers.
Because she was mine and nothing could stop me from keeping it this way.
When I break the kiss. We both were out of breath. But that doesn't stop me from dropping her into the bed and leaning down to her- with time to spare I lift her chin by curling my fingers down it. she swallows as I smile at her-
"I want you to fall for me more" brushing my thumb against her jaw I don't let her cut through, I can't do this with her lingering doubts regarding relationship. Not when It feels like I was manipulating her with lust. I want her to understand the sincerity of my confessions. So I look at her with other plans in mind- "Since I am giving you more time, I still have to avenge the secrets you kept from me"
"Wait- it wasn't a secret" she defended as I nod sarcastically "You could've googled me like how i-
Confused she tried to get up I push her back and began to attack her with tickles. Her laugh was contagious. And so was everything that she is.
Lol.
I guess this book Is going to be a bit steamier than my other ones. Â Two more chapters before the plot tension kicks in. :)
P.s not edited.
Enjoy.