SHIN
The first four days fly by. Each one categorized with the zest it was packed with, not just me and Lee- the moments were designed and crafted by the intervention of a devastated movie maker whose only aim for the given week was to shower me with praises and purchase the commodities to lure me into a business contract, and as for his assistant , Fischer was the one who carried out the assignment for him.
Flowers, chocolates, and random tributes were something I have been waking up to-
I get paid, pampered, and spoiled by three men. For work, for forgiveness, and for affection.
"If an ancient goddess were to have ever lived on earth, she must have looked like Shin" this was the ice breaker that Edmund spewed on the day after we met after he got aware of who I was. The torment was naked in his eyes, but he managed a charming smile. Right then- I deduced that he could walk on any lengths to have his endeavor accomplished. I liked his professionalism- it's something I lacked profusely.
But this, extra credit done by his friend didn't go well on Lee-
"Can you not do that" he frowned at Edmund who sassily jerked his head at the said beloved friend. His tropically aesthetic pink-sleeved shirt with its half sleeve provided an easy access to peer at the tattoos that covered his forearm. They were gorgeous- just like him. Pity that lee was still in his formals as we stood in the corridor where we accidentally met before the breakfast-
Not that I believe it's an accident.
"Do what?"Â mused Edmund.
"Compliment her so much. I am not as articulative as you- I will end up looking bland in impression if you keep this up. And I can't have that" I sucked in an awe as I gawked at him with glittering eyes, he gazed at me with it equally. And then-
"It's fine Lee- you show me better" I pat his cheek once when his smile drops and I realized with a whiplash. You can't take an attention deficit out of a person. But neither can they avoid the blush that's a result of the aftermath. These two friends were painfully savage. They were frank to the junction where they had to remind each other to tone it low because I was around.
But little did they know the kind of surprise I can surprise myself with. Them too.
So when Lee- with a shy smile purposed the we should leave for the horse riding classes, I don't question him. Edmund and Fischer probably thought we were two horny people escaping a situation. But we weren't. Lee indeed had booked us the three-day rehearsal by the outskirts of the isle. The grassy field was vast and had one lone coordinator. He was the same Mexican dude from the resort- The garland man with artificial flowers so that the one with allergy reactions won't get sick.
He was vocal- kept speaking and monitoring without a break. He was superficially nice and that benefited me with the anxiety I had before meeting my tutor. The only job I had to do was pursue his instructions and smile with a nod. Since I had stretchable jeans and a t-shirt with a rough brown jacket on, the sole thing he helped me gear upon was the elbow and knee pads with a helmet. The leather gloves were a bonus- when I turned with my hands to hips at Lee, I couldn't help but roll my eyes at how clouded he was with jealousy.
"How do I look?" I grin to ease his nerves " Hot? Badass? Lara cro-
"A kitten. You look like a kitten"
Arresting a giggle within, I flutter at him.
"You are such a ray of sunshine"
Ruffling his hair, I land a brisk peck on his cheeks and resumed with the lessons. It took twenty minutes to stack the basics while Lee was on his white horse just deliberately circling around while it grazed the grass. In intervals, he ingrained his time to drill holes across the trainers skull. He'd proceeded to scratch his horse once he receives a signal from me to be sure I was comfortable.
A wink, a nod, and a slight tilt from me. He would smile before lifting off.
The change in him was evident, though it was slight it still was obvious. He knows who I am- and with it came the pressure of how relatable I was with the main character of something I created. He was linking the plots that he hasn't heard from me- but had read. When I had it published- I was naïve, there were contaminations with the flow of what I wrote, but at the end of the day â despite my tries to conceal it, it still was me in it. It wasn't an unconscious move- but my own decision to keep it that way. A person who met me and understood a part of me, for them the book was an alley to strip me off. Barer than I could be on my own skin. Almost as if they could touch my soul.
And Lee was clever enough to connect it. Maybe he was disputing them- but he wasn't the one to turn blind on it. I know It won't be long before I have to answer him.
But it wasn't today or tonight. So we spent the entire day discovering the island piece by piece which somehow ended up with me teaching Lee a few hacks on how to bargain at a local shop. I value money and the labels I buy from. It was ironic- but when wasn't I weird.
"So you buy things from smaller stalls so they could profit out of it?" he asks as we hustle in the humid weather through the lane with tents ,an open aisle of handcrafted culinary sets and mineral ornaments. So far Lee seems to be enjoying his quick buys. A jute wallet, sunglasses, and an ashtray which he found cute though he doesn't smoke.
"I like the designer clothes I buy, but it doesn't mean I neglect the simplicity that comes with these outlets. They are homemade, weaved without a prejudice, for anyone who wants to buy them. They don't do it with a configuration or with an artistic view in mind- and these pieces feel humane to me"
I leave ahead only to find him standing behind with the paper bags and a skeptical look.
"What happened? Why are you giving me such a questioning look?" I ask shielding my vision from the evening sun with my forearms. He seems to have a faint smile by how he closed on as he spoke.
"I am not. It just- I was looking at my answer"
***
On day two Lee aspired to celebrate my progress with the riding lessons by inviting Edmund and Fischer to lunch. He ordered me a plate of various insects and worms-
What was I thinking when I wrote the task? I have no clue- and so did Edmund and Fischer. So they smiled uncertainly at Lee who squinted at them. That got me additional judgemental looks than I ever had- from the waitress and from anyone who sat by my vicinity.
But how fidgety Lee was, it appeared as if he was the one going to do it. why was he nervous? It's me- I got myself here.
"Don't worry shin. I think you'll look smart if you do it" Edmund encouraged me, I raised a brow at him and the six feet something man realized it wasn't a time to piss me off. Not when I had cuisine of little fried insects on my platter.
"I am smart. Even if I eat this or not"
I heard a snort from Lee and once he received a glare he pretended as if it didn't happen. Of all the days he could have chosen- why today?
"I don't want to do this-" I sigh as a confused Lee frowned at me until I add "-alone"
I point a butter knife at Fischer who was silently lamenting in disgust of what he thought was bout to happen.
"I want Fischer to join me"
And so the twist led with him declining the offer.
"I have irritable bowel syndrome, my stomach may-
"I'll sell the script and demand a promotion for you. also you'll be forgiven"
He was sacrificed by his boss in less than a minute with Lee administrating my decision with why I shouldn't forgive him. I did tell him about what had happened, and let's say- Lee is hot when he gets angry. So the session began with our nose scrunched, and ended up with a passive face where we both agreed on-
"They taste like almonds"
Fischer nods with wonder as he mouths in one more- probably to actually savor the flavor.
"Roasted to precise"
Then it was a quest to get Lee and Edmund to try tasting it. They weren't in a shape to receive such psychological trauma, they were ready to throw hands and legs at Fischer- but It was me with the script again, so Edmund lost his morals. As for Lee- I only had to whisper to him how he'll sleep on the couch that night to get him to try it.
But honestly- we did it so Fischer and I weren't the only disgusting ones. Once out, four of us rushed to grab a brush, paste, and some mint gums. Mentally I paid homage to the urns of creatures that Bear Grylls digested for the sake of survival. Lee looked like he was formulating to turn into a vegan any day. He looked sick- but a kiss from me melted it away. The make-out sessions might have gone a little further that night as he stopped himself right after his hands skimmed under my skirt-
But I still had a hickey under my collar bone, and it was something he looked so proud of every time my shirt shifts through. Day three was when he got in the horse with me- I could say by now I don't feel the requirement of a mentor, I could be one myself. So when Lee got behind me holding onto the reins I leaned on him sighing â he guides us into a lazy forest stroll.
The smell of wet earth and rustle of trees dance in the air- and in such tenor, Lee asked me something that he seems to be really curious of-
"What would I have been if Elixir was inspired by me?"
It was as if Elixir was the third person among us- whenever he praised, specified a quote, he mentioned it as if she wasn't me. I played along since it was fun to.
I crane my neck to look at him, but then stared ahead with a goofy smile.
"The main leads best friend who sucks at math"
There was a crackle of pride as he snickered sarcastically. But then I go on to balm his wound-
"I might have liked the character a tad bit more as I wrote him, probably given him the contemporary spin-off he most certainly deserves" I arch to stretch my spine as he scoops me up to him, I yelp in surprise as he nuzzled by my neck smiling.
"I would like that" my breathing hitches as he utters broodingly "Besides, Elixir's narrative of intimacy does give me the hints of how my girl likes it. Do you think she'll make my spin-off a bit on the bolder side? I won't mind that"
There was nothing to differentiate between my brain and a cup of jelly. They were one thing that was uselessly inside my skull which contributed zero vocabularies to my baseless stuttering. And just like that suddenly all the fantasies I had while writing those scenes with an angry blush on my virgin self didn't appear to be fantasy at all.
Little would have I known how terribly It might land me years later into a situation that even the horse sympathized about. Lee knows me inside out- and it was hard to breathe now. So I focus on it and let him have his moment. He got what he wants- I was furiously flustered.
"What's the ten shin?"
I close my eyes simply with no way to answer that- the list, it was coming to an end and so was the patience that Lee had bestowed on me. But I can't â not when It could ruin everything. Temporarily or not- I want to be loved by him and love him the way he does.
Love-
I must be going crazy to have such faith in a stupidity. But it wasn't- I was in love with the boy who I met four months ago- heard him screaming at his grandfather to seam his hearing aid in. The same jerk who ditched me at the airport and the dinner.
The one who helped me complete my wishes, the one to touch me with the scrutiny that didn't have me coiling in memories of the past. To have me at the moment where I wasn't slipping into fear when he was near- he puts me at ease, he makes it easy for me to live and breath.
I want you to fall for me more.
It's what he was waiting for when there wasn't more I could love him with.
But my love comes with a falsehood where I can't promise him a future where he won't get hurt. So I fall into silence and he again lets me be. I hate how understanding he is in norms with what he can't achieve.
If only I had known that his wrath emerges in his vulnerability- only if I had known I would be the cause to break him down to his worsts. He slept on the couch without a word exchanged between us tonight, but the good night kiss on my forehead lingered still as I tried to knock my senses into tranquility.
Shoving the comforter away I sat up with my hands trembling. This wasn't going to be okay- I don't have a way out of this. It was sweating, my head hammered with pain, and my body numbed with each pulsing rhythm of my heart.
I looked at Lee to see him completely into the night. The faint illumination from the pond behind the glass screen was the only source of light- but I was plunging into the darkness inside. The walls suffocated me as if ganging up . I withered into a ball.
I deserve to be happy.
It's okay if I felt like I was using Lee for this.
I just want to be fucking selfish for once- is that too much to ask?
Gritting my teeth in anger I slip on in a pastel cardigan and made my way to the beach- since the resort was built upon one- the sea line was simply a backyard for it- I sat there on the bed of sand facing the waves and inhaling the sunken air until my head cleared out. The weakness from my racing thoughts still hovered proactively, but it got better with the passing minutes. A shadow falls upon me as I turn to look at this beautiful girl who smiled at me-
"You mind if I sit beside?"
I do.
"Absolutely not" thought I had a spine grown somewhere living with Lee?
She does what she proclaimed. We sit in silence with the rush of crashing waves cocooning us until she looks at me- I recede her gaze with an awkward smile. her eyes were stunning green- almost emerald.Curly ash hair framed her small face softly. Her features were sharp but feminine- she wore a pink maxi dress with a mandarin collar and bell sleeve. In the middle of the night, I sat there feeling underdressed despite my pajamas and cardigan being the universally prescribed garment for night.
"I couldn't sleep" she looks up at the stars, I follow her suit "What about you?"
"Same" my voice comes out distant- but my mind was wheeling into the vehicle that was me. Finally.
"It's a beautiful night. Isn't it?" it was rhetorical- in my impression, it wasn't, the night was too soon. It marks another end of a beautiful day- "I am Madison" she says when I don't agree to her pretense.
I look at her with my face naked of anything. she smiles nevertheless-
"I know who you are. And now that I told my name you must have figured out who I am" her tone was sweet, it lacked the malice or bitterness that I had her acquitted within my imagination, so when I unconsciously watched with no spare words to offer- her brows pulled down with confusion "I am sorry to ask- but are you okay?"
With an intake, I nod-
"I am"
She licks her lips and nods unassured.
"I probably would've acted this way if it was someone else other than you. so yeah- that's my normal" I blurt as a slow relief cracks through her. It was genuine- I was desperate in search of a girl who cheated on Lee, but couldn't succeed.
"You are adorable" she says as I frown with my might.
"I hear that a lot. Asian stereotype and shit" clenching my fist into a paw I tip my head at my lap "Sorry about that"
She chuckles as I pout mildly while I played with the hem of my top when-
"I know you have this image of me. Probably tarnished beyond what I could do to change it. And this vacation was a horrible coincidence- But I am making sure to steer clear of your path. I am not going to be the bad girl here. I promise"
She had the shine in her eyes and life in her voice. She looked older, maybe same age as Lee or slightly younger. Her confidence was something I began to envy the second she opened her mouth- she didn't stammer or stutter, she gleamed with every minor move she made- perhaps this is what Lee liked about her.
"I am not adorable" I state as if declining to accept her previous compliment as she watched me in wait "I can be a whole circus if I want"
I don't know why but I let out a short laugh along with her. I don't know what her intentions were but she didn't have a knife on her- so I let her be in my moment.
"I see he chose the right one"
He did not.
"He is the happiest I had ever seen him when he is with you. I wasn't stalking. I swear" she said fixing the neck of her dress.
I squint my gaze with a twitch of my lips, her friendly demeanor rubbing off on me.
"After all the positivity you are pouring my way, even though I am just a stranger to you- I feel obliged to give you a piece of my mind" I don't let her sink into a worry as I smiled "You are like a French fry"
She gapes as I smirked to just rile her up â
"Don't worry. You are like the meme- Tall, Blonde and Gorgeous"
For a second I think she was offended, but then her features morphs as she gets the gen z humor in spark and that's how we felt empowered in the night as two women who seem to have kept their past aside. She sat there reciting various things she had tried in the island so far as I listened attentively- when we decided to part ways after she received a call from her boyfriend, I got up first dusting my pants. Since she was in a dress I offered her my hand. she flinched with a hiss his when I clutched her elbows-
"Are you okay?"
She was sharply soon with a reply- perhaps too sharp for me to believe.
"I am" she pales as she hurries to assure me- but then her gaze hooks onto something behind me as her frantic gestures ceased. I whirled to face Lee who watched us with a polluted emotion. It was nothing and many things at the same time, and none were favorable.
"Lee" she addressed with a nod, with no reciprocation from him Madison took her to leave after a formal it was nice meeting you on my way. With her retiring, I strode to Lee who had apparent reasons to be here-
"I couldn't sleep"
He wasn't here for excuses
"You could've woken me up"
"I wanted to be alone and out"
"Alone and out? Maddison was with you"
Frustrated at how I was hurting him i whisper with my staggering and useless alibis. The other things he didn't strife to know- but a simple truth.
"She came in later. I don't have to answer you everything now do I?" no- no no shin, this was destructive from so many edges- the glassy wall tumbles through his façade as clenched his jaw-
"You'll answer me everything Shin. I'll wait no matter how long it takes" he said with a courage that I know will diffuse soon, I blink in my tears as I pass through him to get back to the room. He doesn't stop me- but this night slapped me with a proficiency that there wasn't a destined pace for things to change- for it to break. But mending was a process that could last till one's last breath.
And I can't curse that upon Lee.
I love him too much for that.
I guess...you'll know what it is soon.