SHIN
When waves crash on either side with you in the middle- You learn to stroke, strive and survive. I had a past that stopped me from living life to its vast, It wasn't an intended one. A warning from the future had me digging up the last resort where I can fix the time I lost. A remedy. A concession.
While hanging in the presence I had two choices. It was either pathetically waiting for the end or getting back on my own feet to embrace the moments I had lost so far to my apprehension.
It's surprising how promptly the old fear fades when prominent ones are established.
Internal trauma from years ago had caused the nerves on my brain to quit their systematic cycle occasionally. Constant blackouts, weak stamina, and numbing joints almost to the point of paralyzing were some symptoms that shadowed if I wasn't on my medication. Not that it will work from the day my brain decides to die entirely leaving behind a useless body.
For six months it had been a crucial research, Dr. Sim Dowon, the 31 year old neurologist had been the supportive liar to me. Distributing hopes that had no surface. Tests after tests, therapies after therapies, we atleast came to a conclusion. It was an outward injury from the past meddling with the future.
The revelation was so severe that I couldn't recall the times I had a head injury. Except once. The only wise I had collapsed and fainted as a child was when I fell off the chair when the kidnapper had punched me. It was the he first time the woman with him had realized that the psychopath she was teaming with might actually pan out killing me.
Guess she wasn't wrong.
It was three months ago when I had screamed at Dowon, bargaining my anger to ampute a fact I was ready to face.
I was informed that my mortality rate falls by eighty-nine to a hundred. And the life rate and what struggle might befall with a successive surgery sounded worse than death to me. I have been treated differently my whole life, so when I know this will change everything that I had worked so hard and grown over, I kept it to myself.
I don't cry myself to sleep.
I don't think of what I will do or be like in the next two hours. I had ceased to worry now. and it felt phenomenal to not get lost in a maze when you don't attempt to free yourself. For now, I was relieved that my parents are proud of me, Hwan still had his vengeance on me and Dowon still hasn't ratted me out.
As for Lee, I admired him more with every passing minute. He gave me the space I yearned, stepping back only tonight, clad in his elegant tuxedo and gelled hair after a four-day hiatus. It's what I had absolutely craved from him. Then what authority do I have for being mad by his absence? He affirmed me with a nod as he picked me up from the hotel- then drive from there to the venue had been a sensitive one.
We didn't talk.
Not a word exchanged.
The atmosphere was so fragile that I even held most of my breaths to keep it ventilated. He did his part well, opening the door for me, lending his hand, smiling for the camera, and adjusting the trail of my maroon embellished gown when it needed to. Interlacing our fingers tighter when we walked through the crowd reassuringly. The details of him were the same, but not him.
Deep beneath those brightly shining smiles as he greets and talks was pulsating exhaustion. His smile dropped with a heavy exhale as soon as a guest retires from a conversation. Only for another to come as he dons his mask.
There was no room for him to rest.
For an hour it rolls such, the repeated congratulatory speeches while the soft music from orchestral soprano stirs by the grandiose party hall. I looked at the floor, the opaque reflection on the glossy marble stared back at me. My hair looked lengthier as it was straightened to the tip. It's been so long since I had a portion of my hair braided into a crown, it was soft and angelic on my features with messy strands framing my sides.
I looked so young.
I was young.
Too young for this shit.
So when I suspected that Lee was on a quest to grill an assemblyman with his private doubts, I escaped to the food desk to do the one thing I had itched to do. Eat.
The mountains of delicately conserved savories and the view of it was enough to gain my respect. My stomach was empty, a glass of milk had been my sole meal for the day as I wasn't able to actively scoff the food owning to my rising anxiety.
When I realized that Lee hadn't ditched me tonight despite having valid reasons to do so, I sensed the weight back on my feet. So now I couldn't think of anything else but food. The fountain hiding me from the main hall was a holy grail, so I picked up the croissant and opened my mouth wide to shove them up, I successfully get it halfway in when I heard a request.
A profound, cold, and vague form of request that sounded more like a order.
"May I know how this golden dessert tastes like?"
I whirl to look at the person. A person was not he. Sculpted to Italian standards and with blue eyes that most philosophers dream of, he regarded me with them as if I committed a crime. I solemnly was chewing on my bite fast to help him.
"Yes you may"
I say when I was done. He squints his icy gaze with plight. I felt as if he might freeze me if I kept my blabbering up.
"I mean. You can try one and see" I croak blinking, the sensation of crust that gets stuck increases as he lifts a glass of drink and offers me. I grab and chug it down in a go with my free hand.
He still wasn't done. Though he spoke casually, he still wasn't any less daunting. So I listened to the man and his story that I didn't ask for.
"I would have done it if I already hadn't tasted the other three. It's for my wife" he eyes the line of caramel delicacies as if he demanded them to bow down to him and reveal their flavors. All his movements were sharp and deliberate, so to see him smile slightly- very lightly at the mention of his wife has me wondering what breed of sculptor was she is to mare this block of glaze. It was moving, so I smile at him "What do think tastes the best?" He asks.
For the next five minutes I help him with the Korean cuisines, he nods and listens to my personal opinion on them. I fondly look at my most favorite one and suggest him.
"You should go with this. She'll love it. It's like honey pastry but made with wheat extracts and milk" at that he picks the transparent glass bowl carefully with a tissue down to it, suddenly the low chatters dissolve into silence as a divine voice fills the room. the man next to me smile, full-blown smiles as he walks to the side - he was following the sweet voice of the gorgeous woman on stage by the piano singing into the microphone. Every single soul on floor stared at her amazed. The symphony from her voice played with the listeners, she was playing us with her beauty and charisma.
The candles lit around her seem to have lost their charm to how bright her aura was, the song and chorus that came out of her was just as breathtaking as her. I lost count of how long I was lost in it until she tipped her head to her audience as she finished with swift notes. Applause and amazement erupts as she walks down smiling at everyone under her vicinity.
Like a queen to her kingdom.
"The person who hosted this party made her do it for free," remarked the man next to me as I frown. He still had his gaze hooked on the brunette beauty as she shook hands with someone I don't know. Not that I know most- or any. So when he stonily regarded Lee who stood with Edmund laughing but occasionally searching around - I duck a little behind this strange dude in hiding in order to steal some more time alone.
"That's ridiculous of him" I comment as the man sighs shaking his head with a chuckle- it was astonishing to see that such a face was capable of it.
"That dude is creepy" by the reflexive attitude I decided that this man was it. I can share the sentiments I have for Lee with him- he seems to be a box of secrets visually, so what could go wrong.
"Tell me about it" I grunt. Glassily he tilted his head in listening. I snort "I mean, look at that innocent face. I bet he goes around fooling people"
His shoulder squared as I nervously coughed. He turned to me a questioning stare-
"You think?"
Why did it sound defensive?
"Ok- no. I mean. Maybe he really is a nice person- I-i
"You couldn't be more right" he declares as I exhale with my might. "You have an admirable sense of judgment"
"You mean observation?"
He looked at me as if he was disappointed at my correction. The negotiation died in my throat.
"Judge them. Unless you share what you think. It's fine"
With how complicated he seems he shouldn't be worried about Lee. Because I thoroughly feel sorry for his-
"Quit judging me"
"I wasn't"
"I am inevitably buying your words" he smirks sarcastically, but they soon dissolve into a genuine one as he stared ahead. The woman from stage walked over to us, to him. He leaned down to kiss her and she grinned when he compliments her-
"Outstanding," he says passing her the dessert he had been holding.
"When am I not" she mumbles spooning the edible into her mouth. The demeanor of the man changes from fondness to challenging as it transcends from her to me. I bet this man makes enemies even when he sleeps.
The humor dances in his eyes as the lady slowly looks at me with a greet on way. It halts as her gorgeous grey eyes go wide.
"Shin-young?" she exclaims as I crack an awkward laugh. Do I know this lady from the west, have I ever met them som-
From west?
My gaze snaps to them both, then at Edmund who still had Lee by the intersection I stared at them as the woman discards the bowl by his confused hands and wraps me in a hug.
"I finally got to meet you" she exclaims as I gawk halfway with a polite nod. She grabs my hand as the man's gaze went skeptical and then alert. "I am Elzina. Lee's chingu if he still goes around mentioning me like that. And that's my husband Alexander. I wonder if Lee told you about us"
I ball my hands into fists to keep them from trembling as I put on a brave front.
"He did" I steal a glance at the mighty Alexander White that I had heard so much of. By the wisdom, I would've preferred to keep my path steer clear of him. But who would have thought that he would make such a cool bitching partner. Even for a while "But he didn't tell me that you could sing like that" I state helplessly as up close I was basking in her environment. She was the show while we were the bystanders. Her humble smile was cherry on the top. But by the top of her head, I saw him- Alexander. I swallowed my questions as he should know just how harshly I was judging him. It was kind of adorable how restless he looked, was he worried that I would spill the education he gave to the little ol me?
"You are more beautiful in real. Lee didn't let us meet till now. I guess he wanted to keep you for himself" her statement gets a sad laugh from me, but when a hand snakes by my waist from behind and when his signature fragrance engulfs me as she hugs me to his side, I quit laughing at my misery.
Elzina wasn't wrong though- he won't let me go. Even when he isn't around.
"That's was phenomenal. I would've canceled the musicians- you could've done the job for free won't you Chingu?" Lee was a different person with them, his horizon seem to dissolve as he heartily winked at Alexander who looked at me and then at Lee with the shake of his head.
More people joined this circle- I memorized their faces and names with just the tinge of personality to go with. There was Mike- tall, lean and always on the phone with his wife whispering where he had stacked his infant daughter's diapers and food at. Then we had the stunning Clarrissa who saved her number on my mobile to call me in case Lee ever committed a crime. Apparently, she was a lawyer and her personal fusion to roast Lee at any given time was entertaining. Hailey Howard couldn't come because of her filming, which had Edmund sighing in relief.
But I suspect it was a surreptitious dismay beneath his act.
Edmund went on to add our professional relationship to them, and also something that wretched my composition for a second.
"This girl is Elixir" he wiggles his brows as elzina was the only one to get it as she watched me with surprise "I am turning her book into a motion picture. Its also something Alex is investing in as a producer"
Smiling reasonably at them at first till a siren went off in my head as I snapped my neck to catch a glimpse of Alexander's white to see him sip on his wine with a sour look of regret. I could only imagine the zenith of assessment and examination he might slide around the script.
Lee had intimidating friends whose existence makes me feel small. By assets and by literal BMI. They were diverse in persona, raging from firey to cold, lively to enigmatic. And when Elzina White stared at me with a curious smile, my legs almost gave out at how subtly distinguished her study was. She was sucking the stories out of me with a comforting shock latched on her face. None of her moves wasted.
Alexander and her were match made in heaven and hell combined. They were too powerful in presence to even breathe by.
"I am a huge fan" she breaths in awe, her utterance flowy "That makes us some kind of business partners, doesn't it. You should visit us when you come to Orland"
Then she zips me in one swift motion by placing her hand atop of mine. The light from the chandelier dims slightly , the music around us morphs into contemporary acoustic. Lee was occupied with Clarissa, while Edmund, Lee, and Mike dived into a monetary conversation.
It leaves us two, I couldn't fend on to trust my mouth so I stay quiet as she proves me right-
"Don't let Alex bother you. How radically we behave shows how different we are than what we project" she gathers her skirt shifting to watch Alexander- the love in her eyes for him had me in a province of trance, but when he looked at her perplexed, sensing her stare on him was even more captivating. His were intense- probably even more promising than hers. He was like a puppet drawn to her- with her he was leveled, dare I say humane. He was for the moment the most vulnerable man I had ever seen- not the untouchable piece of marble he was a while ago "See, not everything is as stereotypical as it seems"
Sadly, I sigh a laugh looking at left to see him smile. Lee- he was happy to have them here, any I see why. But the hurt and indecisive pain behind him- they weren't buried that far. Just tucked for later, as if he decided to throw the tension from his work for once tonight in a week. It's better like this, a temporary ache to cancel the permanent scar he could bore. I would rather die without his love, I can't let him see me perish while he had been the only person to treat me right.
Different we are than what we project-
As she symbolized.
I wasn't different much. Pathetic either way. I could only erase as many regrets of mine, I know how hard its to live with hope. I just don't want him to go through that one that links him with mine.
***
To be in his arms was like coming home. We gently swayed to the slow music by the dance floor, it could be the final act we were putting up for them, but I was so grateful as this activity only involved us. My heart pounded with the recap of how many people I had communicated with, and how I wasn't relapsing into a repeated pattern.
I was moving ahead, moving on.
I kept my gaze tied on what was happening behind Lee- just couples dancing like us. Nothing special. I don't retain- I can't look at him. I can't- but there wasn't a restraint on him. He had his hands locked by my waist, while mine was neat on his shoulder.
For valid reasons our last night from the island resurfaced in my memory, provoking a series of needs in me that wasn't decent. But I am a potato, too timid to acknowledge them so I jointly decide on behalf of my hormones that I was losing my sanity.
Lee loves me. and he had a cruelly kind manner of showing it despite my rude ignorance so far-
"You look beautiful tonight," he says as I conclusively meet his eyes, the gel in his hair seems to have oxidized as they appeared much softer under the luminous. Our moves remind me of the party we had after the wedding. The realization of how far we've come was a commencing nostalgia.
"You too" I mumble lowly, his lips twitch into a smile. that smile, god I had missed him so much that expressing it with words might just be futile.
"I am beautiful?" my fib was obvious, he knew he affects me. So I didn't bother to try correcting. Simply settling to focus on my steps. He seems to have noticed my advancement too-
"Is it me or does it feel like you are getting good at this?" he spins me once, pulling me back to him in one simultaneous motion. But curving my body to his into complete closeness this wise "Have you been practicing?"
My voice got stuck on its course up. Dowon suggested and demonstrated a couple of tips today when he came to meet me at the gym, I accidentally ended up mentioning how I was certainly going to mess up the dance tonight. He was sincere with his hacks, but also with a fiery warning. He expects me by his clinic in two days. Regardless of how tired I was with the running tests and observations- I was human. I was going to fight for survival as long as I was alive.
"No"
It wasn't a planned lie. I don't want Lee to even spot the speck of shadow that leads him to my relation with my fellow Doctor. He was quiet for the minute when he spun me around and hugged me from behind, I felt him lean and enquire by my shoulder-
"Do you know that man?" he angles me as I saw Dowon by the bar counter speaking with the bartender, for a brief second our eyes met- but he was quick to look away. Not that he could see us with how dark the lighting was by where we stood "I caught him staring at you multiple times tonight"
I bite on lips hard, so much for overshadowing a truth.
"I don't," I say "I don't know him"
Waiting for Lee to buy and believe me I turned to find him ardently furious. He grabs my wrist, pulling me along as he strides past the other guest who was too deep into the night to care. It feels forever till we reached an abandoned corridor next to a fire exit. He pushed me against the wall, cornering me with his hands buried on either side of me.
"What the hell are you doing?" I scream at him, terrified and astonished at his actions.
"Don't raise your voice at me," he says, his utterance clipped and drenched with command. A shiver treks through me as he grabbed my arm roughly, shaking me up "Why did you lie to me?" he demands as I stood there useless with dread.
"You know that man. You were with him today" I push him away with shock latching on to me as he staggers off- he doesn't make a move, standing there in disbelief "Isn't he the one who gave you the dance lesso-
"You stalked me?"
"I came to meet you" he spits the terms bitterly with a crazed smile, a raging madness rings through as he continued "Do you even realize how much I had missed you this week? I was waiting for your calls and texts like the stupid person I am. Anything that could sign me that I wasn't forgotten by you"
It shreds me into layers until I couldn't stop the tears from welling up. Was he doubting me of infidelity? Is this what this is? But isn't it also the most suitable counterfeit to get him to hate me. But my legs had a mind of their own as I near him- he clenched his jaws, but he tensed further as I hugged him.
"I am sorry"
My ear picks up the rapid beats of his frantic heart.
"For what?"
He doesn't remove me from him, neither does he hugs me back. Don't I have his open permission? To hug, talk and hold when I needed him? I embrace to shatter him.
"For hurting you" I suck in a deep breath "You are better without me, and so am I. Don't wait for me" parting with conviction, I stood my ground. But finishing on a losing note wasn't what he seem to be used to, so when he claims my lips out of nowhere, impassive I held my breath until he teased me into kissing him back. It lasts till our breath gave up. Moving me to the wall, he places his arm above my head while his other rests calmly against my hip.
"Who do you think you are to decide it for me?" He rests he forehead against my mine. Regaining his breath with me "It will even suffice if I get destroyed by you. I will still love you the same"
For new readers. The characters you may find new are cameo from the other book of which this book is a product of spin off.
Was I early...late...thoughts...votes...all welcome. You all are rabbits pretending to be humans.