SHIN
My brother wasn't as interactive as I had foreseen him to be. He stormed off the room when I had disclosed the childish reason behind why I hid my status from them. I explained why I yearned to live on my own terms and not had them worried during the earlier stages because that wasn't going to lead me anywhere. They had been on edge their whole life because of me- I couldn't bear it any longer.
They didn't get it. I didn't expect them to. I envisioned myself in their shoes- I might have been pissed beyond scripture if I was them. Understandable. But when they took some days to pacify and reach a belief is when it got tense. The shift meant how real this all was.
The week at the hospital I was treated with utmost devotion and care- the lighthearted conversations we shared while Lee attempted to soak in all the Korean humor that he was clueless about. We all laughed while he frowned on his mobile screen deciphering the meaning of what we meant. Dad had the most fortunistic quotes at his disposal as he occasionally hugged me goodbyes during the night. Years of importing fortune cookies had taken a toll on him- he was a living motivational Pinterest page and it helped me so much with sleep along with the countless drugs that they pump through me.
I wake up to see the bags under the eyes of Lee, his fatigue and stress glossy as he greets me every morning. His comforter crumpled beside the visitor's couch. The only time he breathes in solace is when I kiss him and assure him of my Well Being. It's then the guilt weighs me down- he was always quick to notice it as he tries to cheer me up with an unpredictable strategy.
Smuggling homemade food or letting me dye his hair to ash blonde, we even solved a jigsaw puzzle of a panda having spaghetti along with Edmund. It was something he brought along with him when he visited me- Fischer was there too.
They both were the loudest of all the visitors I had so far.
There was no sympathy, just support, and faith. They were convinced as they spoke of my cameo in the movie, the actress the production plans on casting, my input as a scriptwriter or everything on the project that was a promise of future, and it's then I saw the radiant grin occupy the gorgeous features of Lee and so on me.
I did get discharged with still no response from Hwan.
"Why has he stopped being the annoying prick that he is?" curiously I asked Lee when I spot him by the door. He was just about to enter aiming to find some peace in our room. The one which still came under the guest sector of Elzina and Alexander Whites domicile.
Lee cautiously walks and sits next to me on the bed, plucking the wrappers of crisps and chocolates that lay decorated on the bed after I had them.
"Probably because he is still- I don't know, angry with you?"
He doesn't look at me but directs his interest on sweeping off the crumbs with his palms.
When I ceased to reply for a while, he diverts his gaze at me. The love and anguish that swirled in them has me in a vice. His smile never colors his face- I pale within realizing if this is how he had felt. Still feels. Betrayed and hurt. With so much that happened, with the rest of the dominant meds I seldom had the stability to think of the aftermath. Of what must have happened when I was asleep. What he must've gone through.
I saw him assembling hope.
But I never saw him break. Or what piece of him change during the course.
He must've seen the regret, tempting me to peel away from him, his brow arcs as his arms wrap around me pulling me gently flush against him.
"You overthink" he warns.
"What if you hadn't thought it over" I had to argue no matter how much this guts me "What if this is just sympathy and you might not even like me-
"Love shin. And quit trying to believe anything else because all you are doing right now is hurting me" his honesty seals me up as my lips pressed into a thin line. His sharp stare checks for some crack, he nods satisfied "With that set, give him some time. He will come back around" I yelp when he scoots me into his lap, hooking his arms beneath my knees. Sighing in ecstasy when he nuzzled his nose against my neck, I weave my fingers in his soft strands.
"I missed your warmth so much. I missed everything about you when they didn't let me in to see you" in response I bit back a moan because apart from what he was saying, all I could feel was his lips trailing fire down my collarbones then by my jaw. When our lips meet- I know I could commit arson for this man and won't think twice about it.
***
A month- in thirty good days I was scheduled for the surgery. Dr. Do Won was scheduled fly here as well since he was the one who graphed my proceedings so far. Lee and his connections led us to some of the most reputed practitioners in this field with impressive records. They made sure to still fill us in with the downside.
They were humans. Not God.
But it did little to blow out the happiness I felt with these people. Elzina was an amazing woman- and Isaac was a little ball of einstinely genius which had adults fuming and scowling at their own intelligence when the scrabble tiles constructed by the Elzinas child was too sophisticated and classy than their own.
Fischer, Lee, and Edmund- it took three men to come up with the word swan while Isaac single-handedly spelled out pelican by the point booster hence giving us a win. Elzina and I merely sat there deluding to help and watch the three grown men call out Isaac for luck.
"You are such an Elzina" commented, Lee, at the young boy's smug face. "But that smile looks so much like your father" his glare only fed the cheeky grin of Isaac. We all reclined on the ground with our legs tucked, the luxurious rug that spread by the floor of the study delicate beneath us. We were also gathered here because Elzina was too bored and desired to watch her friends sweat their language off to her angelic child.
Also, her husband appeared nakedly pissed and sick to see the numerous people lounging at his home. He- how should I put it? He wasn't much of a people's person if I may say so. But when found alone in pass- he does gives you a nod with a short smile. Asking how the day was and if I need something if he was feeling refreshed that morning. Or it could be the sympathy for sick in my case. You may never know with that man. So when he asked me if their was some requirement during my early morning walks-
I did had one. We did ran out of toothpaste, he was kind enough to bring me a hand sanitizer from his supply cabin and a mouth wash too.
It made me wonder if he thought of me as an unhygienic hazard. Lee was quick to remind me of Alexander and his sanity obsession. Alexander white looked the happiest ever when I complimented the fragrance of the disinfectant that he gave me the next morning. I finally saw his teeth.
It was an achievement.
I received a handful of packages through Elzina sent by him the next day.
"This is embarrassing" Edmund mumbles.
"I am used to that" shrugged Fischer.
"Actually no. The most embarrassed I have ever been was when Lee forced us to get our cards read during a vacation when we were sixteen" Edmund sprawled his limbs rolling to his stomach and stared up at Lee with a grin. Lee wasn't entertained.
"ooo- I know of that" Elzina snorted tugging the collar of her dress and throwing a glance at me. "It's something that still haunts Alex" she whispers as Lee rolls his eyes casting a sly glance at me.
"Isn't that a bit dramatic for him?" Lee states. Fischer and Isaac were on a duel player phase already- this conversation was just a rim for them. Elzina runs a loving hand through her son's hair- the kid groans and combs it up with his finger as she giggles.
She certainly was adorable, the mystery of how she ended up with Alexander was a dark fairy tale that Lee narrated, it only increased my respect to think of what they had been through. She was kind but powerful. It was intimidating and beautiful. So was Lee. So were they all.
"He is a drama queen. But so is Lee. I wonder what Shin thinks of this incident" as anxious it was, when she spoke I couldn't help the amusement at the stories that map the young Lee and his shenanigans. He had a vicious and theatrical childhood. He still was same if you dig deeper.
"He dragged Alex and me to this shady fortune tellers parlor because he was desperate to know who of us three was bound to get married first"
Lee ignorantly played with the alphabets, casing and uncasing them as if it wasn't him that braids this revelation.
"I never pegged him as someone who believes in astrology" I exclaim as Edmund bursts out laughing.
"I don't" sterns Lee whose voice fell so small that I could barely hear him.
"Then why was it the only thing you read before exams and not the syllabus?" this wise it was Elzina and at last Fischer seem to flip out after losing another game as he sat up to judge Lee with his full potential.
"Don't worry. I don't judge" Fischer remarks.
"Oh well Fischer- but its written all over your face" I grin- this man can always ease my nerves and he knows it so he grins back at me feeling the roast that bubbled in me "You are happy that you aren't the only one in the room radiating weird vibe"
We even hi-fived at that, it earned us calculated frowns from every pair of eyes in the room. None here was clinically aware of the relationship Fischer and I share- he was like Hwan to me. We text and discuss oninon rings and we do it with pride.
"Oh come on Shin" began Lee smiling with cunning dignity and rolling the sleeve of his shirt to his elbows knowing exactly how this affects me "I stopped believing in constellations when Alex got married. I believed in self- when I did"
Though the tension was crisp on-air while Edmund seem to enjoy it through the view of the director, Elzina came to rescue her block of ice.
"Why? What's wrong with Alex?"
Lee looks at her with a charming smile, it was his most dangerous trait.
This was answered by Edmund through sideline-
"Well- for instance, the psychic was positive that the energy she receive from Alex was a bit alien. So I was supposed to get married first and then Lee- Alex had no scope. We paid her double the price because of how furious Alex looked then" this laugh was shared by them all with an exclusion to Elzina who squinted her eyes passively.
"Are you alright?" I ask controlling my grin, she doesn't answer- when the room sobered up she had the attention of us until It seem to hit me. "wait- what did Alexander tell you?"
She slowly turns to me, her eyes sparks with mysterious strategy. They seem to smile and plan at the same time.
"He said he was told that any woman that marries him was the most blessed bride of the three. Lee was the alien. And Edmund liked men"
There was a crackle of a laugh from me in the silence , soon Fischer followed, then Edmund- who seemed a bit tipsy for a man who lost the game. When my eyes met Lee's, he has the faintest smile igniting his way to those brown orbs. The gaze seem to drink in my happiness and I didn't fall short of how much these people kept me on my toes during the smelting days.
It seem to be a rocky journey and the ship I was in waddled with how low my mind dunked when I was alone.
But for that to happen often, I must be alone. And they had figured out how to seize every opportunity they got to come and help me and Lee with it. Edmund and Fischer made me laugh until I couldn't hold my tears in. The hug from Isaac I received when I returned from my stay at the hospital was the start of my healing. Elzina was the woman who seem to put the sense back on my feet by not trying hard to reach me- but reminding me that -when ever in need, she is always there for me if I craved to talk.
When I first broke down to her a few nights ago when I had to reach her for the things I can't tell Lee, she impaled me with a comforting hug and maintained the mess I was with an understanding and acceptance that none could have done. She was an angel.
And if I ever wished for an elder sister in my life, it would be someone like her. I have enough undermined sibling to ask for more immaturity crawling by.
But the talk I had with her, it was the instant note that rattled my heart. The moments of bliss seem to make me forget the fate I must face. And in few seconds nausea hits me- every fiber that made my body slows down painfully with fear and awe at how my thoughts affect my body. The clock was my enemy.
Be it during the dinners with my parents or when I see Lee awake at night by his laptop, his fingers tearing through his hair, and the vulnerability he seems to mask through the day coming undone only because he thought I was asleep.
Every night I feel him coming back to bed, closing in, and wrapping me secure in his arms. Sometimes he would rest his head on my shoulder. In others, he would kiss my forehead. I don't know when he falls asleep, while pretending I - somewhere between guilt and love seem to prefer the state of unconsciousness better. At least that way I don't have to see the Lee I fell in love with fade.
But that didn't stop us from going on those fun unplanned dates, he took me to his schools. Boasted in and over the tales of his image as a popular kid. We went to a musical and decided that we either sucked at appreciating a classic genre or that the musical was indeed really bad. It was the latter, so we screamed our hearts out at a karaoke booth. I learned that Lee was good with joystick and I somehow wasn't allowed to buy alcohol because I looked younger than twenty-one. They won't accept my ID.
We wanted to buy the drinks not because we decided to get drunk, it happened so that Lee was sure that I would be denied that pass. He too thought that same when he saw me first.
But with weeks due to surgery, my stamina plunged and our trips elasticated to that one that involved short strolls by the garden and daily chores by the house. And with just five days that remain, I could think of nothing else but having Lee by my side. so when Elzina and Alexander White announced that they plan on having dinner tonight at some business advocate's birthday party, my first instinct was to devour shrimp and ramen for the dinner.
It was Sunday and since we had the house to ourselves I desired to relive the moment spent in vegas again.
"You can order me around, I will do it the exact way that you-
Lifting my index to his lips I squint my lids seductively. I noticed it's one of the many and quick effective methods to get him to do things my way. Like always, it does the job.
"You just have to manage the mess before your friend comes back. God forbid what his reaction will be he noticed oil sprinkles in this aprons" I whisper, the sultry smile in his face cemented my victory.
"Anything else for my queen?" he asks with a bow. I adjust the headband like the queen that I am.
Curving into the cabinets I surf for the spices. The kitchen in this mansion was a maze in itself, the areas wide, the equipments sophisticated, the interior grandiose. The kitchen was a high-end forensic lab until I open the drawers to see the jars of ingredients and vessels lined inside.
"You can watch me as I sexily cook for my husband" flipping my hair over my shoulder I wink at him, bad choice since I got lifted into the island, I fiddle with words to say but strangely I don't when he cuts me off with his.
"Why watch her when I can have her?"
I loop my arm confidently by his neck pulling him closer, If I had to I can write poetry on how addictive his fragrance was. or how enchanting his skin felt against mine, or how in such moments of intimacy he gives me life and love that could last me an eternity.
"Then what's holding you back?"
My heart could explode if it was possible, instead, It was a ring of reminder that I was alive. But when he kissed me the gentle consummation made me smile into it. He breaks the kiss to rake me questioningly-
"Am I funny?" the hoarseness in his query tingles my insides, to know how my simple gestures consume him was not funny. It was sexy, he was a symbol of it when he wants to be.
"No- but to think you used to trust the astrology reading is"
His chuckle was music to my ears so I nod my head like a child waiting for him to defend.
"I used to until my destiny started being a bitch to me," he says, it kills the diverse thoughts that were spiraling through me. when he noticed his mistake he shook his head in warning. His warm hand holds my face vicely "It's also because I realized that I am the only one who can change things over. I want to look at you in the eyes while I talk and not think of what my mind or stars align for. I want to love you with my heart, and heart is the only part of me I am willing to trust on. It led me to you- and it's his responsibility to get us through this"
Smiling through the relief and passion we end up kissing again, making out by the counter even after a mug crashes down the floor as a sacrificial trait of our feral movements. It was the loud footstep and a mechanical o sorry that brought us back from the high land.
We both turned to look at an amused Alexander white in his sleek business suit standing in a cross dilemma by the entrance as if contemplating to leave or not. I push Lee away and slip to the floor combing my hair into place as I heard Elzina call her confused husband from somewhere far-
"The car keys are in the bowl Alex" is what she says- "And what was that noise" this wise it was nearer, but Alexander had a tactic and gentlemanly decency so when Lee rolled his eyes annoyed at his friend â his response was to stop his wife from coming in-
"Stay wherever you are Elzina, there are two wild cats on lose here" it was a piece of new information- so Immediately I scanned around till Lee nudged me on the side and whispered that he meant us. I had to remind myself that I wasn't stupid- I was simply startled to the point that I was acting like one. I swear I am smart.
"What? I instructed Marie countless wise to keep the windows shut but she-" babbled Elzina from somewhere- Alexander picked his key up and after a sweep of faintly humoring and icy glance at Lee- it stops by the mug we broke-
"Honey" he calls-
"What is it now?" calls a desperate Elzina. I could feel my nerves in my neck, Lee was calm. But suspicious.
"The restless cats seems to have targeted isaacs favored milk mug- we might have to hunt for a new one"
I speculate that it was a play of light, I saw a glimmer of a smile on his lips before he pockets the keys and finally leaves. And when we were alone once more, we had our respective questions diverted at no one in particular-
"What now?"
Was mine and it made sense.
"Why cats?"
Were his- which made more sense.
I might relish to theorize that he was secretly a cat enthusiast. But mostly I knew that they left for the night so we could have some alone time before the time to our big day cease by. The whites were one great family. They just weren't anticipating the improper use of their kitchen and their son's favorite mug ending up in the floor in pieces while they played their role of a hospitable host perfectly.
I know...i am sorry ð