Chapter Twenty-One
No. Bad. Thoughts.
⧠D E V E N â§
I could see in between my stolen glances how she was mumbling something to herself while debating whether to talk to me or not.
Every time I stared at her, expecting her to say something, she would turn her head to the other side, pretending not to notice me.
After the question she asked me about my parents, I had gone mute. She did try to initiate some small conversations to distract the tension in the air but I shut it off with a word or two.
I've always been a mess when it comes to communicating about my feelings. I can't do it, directly or indirectly. I would rather prefer to go silent till my mind runs back to the normal track, but not tell the person how I feel, or talk about it. I need space.
That is also the root cause of how I've been holding back my feelings for her for six years.
Another reason was that I was afraid of being labelled as a creep or paedophile by her. I hated getting accused of something I had done with a very pure intention. I would be anyone but a person who does wrong to the one he loves.
Because I know how I am when I'm in love. A little destructive to myself.
I preferred to wait till the age gap between us was not a problem or a big deal.
Because if it seemed awkward to me, then I can imagine how weird it would be for her. In the initial days, when I was catching feelings for her, I tried a lot to stop because of the age gap and her age, to be more precise.
I was questioning myself on what was wrong with me for catching feelings for a person who had freshly turned an adult where, whereas I was a grown-up man. So, I tried to stop.
But if only you could control love. Or who you love.
As much as I tried to stop, the invisible string tying me to her pulled me towards her.
I wonder if the single thread of gold is tying her to me as well.
Six years of age gap between Nineteen and Twenty-five sounds like a lot, but the same at Twenty-five and Thirty doesn't. Both of us have matured a lot more in these six years, learned a lot of things and are mature enough to know the difference between grooming and love.
"Hey, you want to grab me with some ice cream?" I turned my head towards my left and looked at her through the corner of my eye, raising a single eyebrow.
I might be looking like a meme right now.
I immediately composed myself after that thought. I watched her cheeks getting crimson in the realisation of the jumbled words she had just uttered as she made a face full of regret.
This woman is so fucking cute, I can't.
"Wait, that's not what I meant," She mumbled and reframed the sentence in her head visibly. "You want to grab some ice cream with me? Yeah, it was supposed to be this."
I'd grab you with no ice cream too.
"Yeah," I replied. I wasn't in the mood to, but how can I deny this gorgeous woman who is putting effort into lighting up my mood?
I'm afraid barely anyone has done that for me. I've been the mood lifter for a lot of people but failed to get that back.
I can't even blame them because I have some strong in-built masking skills.
"Yay," She cheered, God knows for who and slid away to the washroom. Within two seconds of staring at the closed washroom door, it opened. "I forgot my clothes outside,"
"Why do you want to change?" The pink Grey Pj's looked cute on her.
"Oh, this isn't bad?" She asked, glancing at her clothes once; I shook my head.
"Okie. I'll wear a zip-up hoodie though. It's cold outside." She looked at me and asked if something clicked her, she snapped her fingers. "You can wear grey sweatpants with this. We can twin then."
Damn, this is something new and questioning. Why does she want to be twin?
"At least we would look like a couple." All my hopes dried within a second.
How long, God? My patience is burning in a very low flame already, and on top of that, she says things like this.
How long till I can finally express my love to her openly? To hold her in my arms, like she belongs there and squeeze her tightly to confirm if it's real.
"Okay." She went out of the room with a proud winning smile on her face.
If, after all this, I don't get to be with her, something inside me will break so bad that even god won't be able to fix it.
In the next five minutes, she was locking the door of our house and we cascaded down the stairs without speaking much. The awkwardness was still hanging in the air.
"Let's walk, today." She suggested and I nodded.
My blood boiled as soon as I noticed Aniketh coming from the opposite direction. His head rose for a second from the phone and I immediately pulled Preet towards me by keeping a hand on the side of her waist. She stumbled on her place a little because of the sudden jerk and raised her head to look at me, a question mark plastered all over her red face. He just passed me a dead stare while I returned him a sarcastic smile.
Take that, asshole.
I have stopped feeling all the empathy and sympathy I felt for him a few weeks ago. Especially after the things he has said about Preet, I find myself guilty for ever thinking he's decent.
She will get bored of you eventually. She loses feelings too quickly.
Little does he know, she doesn't feel anything at all, yet.
"Aniketh," I mumbled. She spared him a mere glance and then intertwined her arm with mine.
"Oh." Was that a disappointment, oh?
I didn't bother to take my hand off her waist, and neither did she look like she minded it.
"What's your biggest dream in life?" She asked me out of the blue. "I just realised I don't know much about you as much as you do. I wonder why."
Um. Let's not get there, baby.
"I'm a good observer, you're not." I lied with a shrug. It wasn't exactly a lie but a half-lie.
I am indeed a good observer. But she doesn't know that I've been observing her for years. I have a list of all her favourite things set right in my mind.
Favourite food? Chole kulcha
Favourite sweet? Anything which has chocolate in it. Preferably Dark chocolate.
Favourite movie? For every genre, she has a different movie. In Rom-com's- Jab we met, Thriller-Gone girl, Emotional/Tragedy-Aashiqui 2, La La land, Laila Majnu.
Bollywood songs over English ones, Fashion over Comfort, and Stories over Reality.
Favourite-
"Earth to Deven." Her voice broke my trance of thoughts.
I can go on, trust me.
"Yeah, what's your biggest dream?" She repeated, her eyes twinkling like small stars during a serene night.
"Preet." Too busy looking into her eyes, I uttered this softly without thinking twice. And immediately after getting my senses back, I regretted it. This is what she does to me.
"Huh?"
"Love," I covered up with the truth only. She looked at me with confusion in her eyes.
Imagine not falling in love with a person whose name means love, who is a human version of what love is.
"Love is still a dream for me, sadly." She licked her lower lip as if words hung in her throat.
"I think, not." I waited for her to continue. "You have so much love around you, you just don't want to open your eyes. Dreams will be dreams if our eyes are closed; they become reality when we open our eyes. "
"Dreams break when we open our eyes," I replied. She gulped looking at me intensely.
"Who broke your dream?" She asked in a voice so soft, that if increased by a decibel, something would damage.
"The reality."
I still pity the ten-year-old me who could barely overcome the reality of having no one in this world. His dream of having a family again broke with the harsh reality. How am I supposed to believe that a dream can ever turn into reality?
Another dream of mine, the one I've been asking God every single day, I don't even know if it will be fulfilled or just shatter like pieces of mirror.
"Give life some time. All the dreams will come true. Just wait."
"Wait?" I mocked, removing my hand from her hold. My voice was a little loud this time, "That's all I have been doing my entire life."
Wait for God to fix the blunder he created by taking away my family when I was a fucking child. Wait for the relatives to decide who's going to keep me with them as if I were an object. Wait to get someone in life who would accept me. Wait for someone to like you back. Wait for life to fix things and heal wounds. Wait to ever feel loved.
Wait, wait and fucking wait.
"You can talk to me about what's going on in your mind, Deven." If only. If. Only. "Open up about things that hurt you. I do that with you, right? What's stopping you then?"
"I can't open up that easily," I said.
"Why? If you're not comfortable with me, then it's alright. But at least talk to Abhinav Bhai, or Ananya Bhabhi. They both are very close to you, right? If you hide how you feel, then you might suffer inside till, to an extent, it becomes suffocating. I don't want that." I took a deep breath. How did we end up getting back to the thing I was running from?
"See, I won't know what's in your head until you tell me. And if you ever want to, all I can say is I'm there for you, throughout and forever. You are loved, and I want you to know and feel the same. That's it." I just nodded at her words.
All I can do right now is give her fake sayings that I will, but I know I won't. I can't. No matter how hard I try.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you." I apologised after we walked through silence for ten more minutes. Ten minutes in silence with her was all it took to calm me down again.
"It's okay. You have the right." She replied with a small reassuring smile. "You belong to APPR remember?" She added jokingly.
All Preet people rank.
"What's my rank now?" I asked teasingly to lighten the atmosphere. My hand accidentally touched hers while walking as I longed to hold it.
Should I? Should I not?
"Um," I watched her as she put her one finger up, then two, then three, four, five...how many important people does she have in her life?
"I'm not even in the top five?" I tried not to sound offended but I did. The way she bit her tongue told me that.
She's my top one.
Sharing space with Abhinav and Ananya. It's a tie, sorry. Can't leave my other two out.
"You're not in the list, you're way more special." I rolled my eyes.
"I know how buttering works, ma'am." I replied. "Got to fight more than five people for the rank one, I guess."
"Stop making me do these stupid things and then feel bad about it." She warned me, showing her index finger. I brought my mouth closer and bit it lightly. She looked around for a second and smacked my arm removing her finger.
"Chi. Gande." And her scrunched nose look was back.
"Kya bola, pyaare? Wo,h toh mai hu." With that I got a hit on my bicep again.
She shook her head. "There's the ice-cream shop."
"But I was supposed to grab you with an ice-cream? What about that offer?"
Why would I let such a nice opportunity to flirt go waste?
"Deven, yaar." Embarrassment crept all over her face.
"Preet, yaar." I copied her exact tone.
"Which flavour?" I asked as we entered the shop and her eyes went to the digital menu. I already knew her order.
Belgium Dark chocolate.
"Belgium Dark chocolate."
Guess what, I'm a genius.
"What is your biggest dream?" I asked her after we sat on the chair with an ice cream cone in our hands.
"To make a film based on my idea, my vision and my creative intake." I smiled. She is very passionate when it comes to films, I could figure that out.
Even Abhinav loves Cinema a lot. So both brother and sister are alike in this case.
"You will one day," I replied.
"I know I will." Love the confidence. "I have to prove people wrong."
"People?"
"My parents. They didn't want me to do this. I fought for it and thanks to Abhinav Bhai and Sahil's bhai's parents, my parents allowed me to come here." She explained.
"They will be proud the day you succeed in this."
"I guess. Leave that; on a scale of one to ten, how much do you rate your ice cream?" She flipped the topic within minutes.
"Eight," I replied. "Do you want to taste it?"
She nodded and I brought the cone closer to her. After a bite, she looked impressed. "That is damn good."
"How much do you rate yours?" I asked her.
"Five. It's a little weird." She forwarded the cone and I took a bite. It was indeed weird.
"What's weird in this? It's tastier than mine." She looked taken aback.
"No way, yours is so much better. Your taste buds are on a vacation."
"Do you want to switch?" I asked and she shrugged.
"Sure. If you like it so much then." I don't even like Dark chocolate.
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"Saturday, Saturday, Yay," She did a thumka out of nowhere, and I threw my head back, chuckling loudly.
"You're not used to my crazy side, are you?" She asked, laughing with me as I shook my head in wonder.
"No, it's fascinating." She waved her hand dismissively and covered her mouth, laughing like a shy bride.
"I fascinate you?" A smirk was dancing on her lips.
Where does she get these out of sudden confidence attacks from? Never mind, I love it.
"Trust me, you do a lot more." I winked.
"Like what?"
"Secret." I kept a finger on my lips and she shrugged. "I'll go and change now. "
As said last weekend to Pipadiya we will go to the club next weekend, and we couldn't deny it this time. She would not spare us if we did.
Also, there was a little change in plan, we weren't going to a club anymore, but it was a house party with some mutual friends.
I was still in my sweatpants and T-shirt. I knew when to get ready when the madam was almost done with her hair. It takes her a lot of time to get ready, and on the contrary, I get ready within fifteen minutes.
An hour later, I knocked on the bedroom door, "Are you done?"
"Almost. You should change now. Come inside." I entered the room only to get mesmerized by the sight in front of me.
She was applying the lipstick in an emerald-coloured spaghetti strap silk dress, reaching below her knees. It was body hugging, perfectly embracing her curves from the top and loose at the bottom. I gazed at her from head to toe and gulped.
I am starstruck would be an understatement.
"How do I look?" Breathtakingly gorgeous.
"Too pretty to take my eyes off you." She twirled to give me a full look at her, and there was a slit on her right leg reaching to her thighs.
I licked my lower lip. That is a fucking turn-on.
No bad thoughts.
She looked so sexy-
No bad thoughts.
-that I wouldn't wait a moment-
No bad thoughts.
-to kiss her the whole night and not stop even if she begs-
No bad thoughts.
-and kiss her everywhere and do so much more-
No. Bad. Thoughts.
Not mindful.
"The make-up is not extra, right?" She asked and I shook my head.
"It's perfection. You are perfection." She blushed and continued doing her hair, unaware of what she was doing to me.
It's going to be so hard to control and be in my fucking limits tonight and not cross the boundary.
You're a gentleman, Deven.
Gentlemen can have such thoughts too for their women.
Guess who's going to take a cold shower before changing.
The gentleman.
As I got ready after thirty minutes, I faced an angry Preet. "How long am I supposed to wait, Deven?"
"Aye, I don't complain when you take hours. You can at least wait for a few minutes." She didn't bother to reply to me for a few seconds but eyed me.
"You look nice." Before I could revert she added, "Whatever. Let's go now."
So mean.
It was hard to not look at her when her fragrance was all over the place, reminding me again and again how hot she was looking right now.
"I'll get the car." I went towards the parking lot while she waited at the entry. When I reached the entry, I narrowed my eyes, clenching my fist at the mere sight of Aniketh and Preet talking.
What are they talking about?
I pressed the horn continuously, without taking a break gathering their attention. Preet turned back towards me and I could see Aniketh smirking.
What the fuck did he do now.
Preet sat inside the car with a sullen face, the total opposite of what she looked like when she left with me.
"What happened? Did he bother you again?" I asked her and she just shook her head.
"Nothing."
Damn it.
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So, views on the chapter?
Should I put Deven's POV more often?