"It feels... good"
My eyes widen a bit as he says that. What is wrong with me?? Of course it's a big deal to him. I feel so stupid right now, I just threw all that information at him knowing he barely knows about himself at this moment. I act like I know everything when I have no idea how he feels when I speak to him, answer his questions, help him or... simply hold his hand.
My gaze slowly goes to our hands that are holding each other up, fingers resting on the top of our skin. His hand is slightly colder than mine making me feel the cold variations traveling into my warm ones. His long nails are poking my skin a bit since he probably didn't have them cut in a while.
The smile never disappears from his face as he keeps looking at our hands. He seems peaceful at this moment like everything he knew or everything that happened disappeared in two seconds. The two seconds I need to pull his hand up and slide my fingers in between his. His eyes are focused on only one thing and ignoring everything around him, even me that is staring at his face like an idiot.
I can't help but feel numb as I realize that I'm only forcing things onto him. He just got out of the hospital, he doesn't even understand what is going on. He is probably scared and feels like we are trying to lock him up even further from the public.
But is he?? Because right now I can't see any of that in his eyes. What am I doing?? Why can't I get my eyes off him?? Only now I notice his big round eyes that are looking at me. His nose is the perfect size and under it his dry lips that are still keeping the small smile on them. His lips are wounded from all the biting he has done until now. There is even a small track of blood on them showing a cut on them.
"Yo- You are hurt." I say pointing at the spot he has the dried blood on. He brings his other hand up and touches the spot gently.
"It's ok. That has been there for a while." What is this... Why is he speaking so confidently while I'm stuttering here. Get a grip idiot. I say to myself and take my hand out of his.
"D- Don't bite on it anymore. Let your wound heal." I say and turn around to do... something. I take a deep breath before getting my thought back together.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have said all of that" I say as I turn back to him. By now he is already sitting back on the couch pulling his slave up.
"You are right. I don't feel at ease at all. I didn't understand why before but since you kinda explained it now I do. I keep feeling unsteady and I need to move all the time or my mind starts going sideways. I don't remember everything almost nothing actually. I don't even know how going to the bathroom feels because I don't remember doing it. My energy is all gone after doing a few small things and I don't understand that either. The only thing I know it that... I hate that thing, that I got hurt because of it and I was viewed as a monster because of it."
I have to admit that I'm impressed. Of course I catched a lot of the things that he said but the fact that he said so many things without hesitating or cutting himself off is fascinating.
"But you... you are different." He looks up at me. How can he say so many things so easily. I thought he will be scared and won't trust me so easily or is he just extremely naive.
"You make me want to remember the moments with you and not forget them." What did I really do?? I haven't even done many things with him yet so what makes him feel that way?? Can he explain?? Am I stupid or something. Once again I just stare at him like a basic idiot before my eyes land on his rolled up slave.
"I belive you. So please fix me." Fix.. him... he will let me help him. So that means he won't resist the injections anymore. I get up, take the bag and slowly walk toward him until I'm close enough.
I sit next to him and place the bag on the couch in front of myself on the empty space in between us. I open the box reliving the already prepared three injections. I will give him the exact same amount from this morning it's best if we go slowly with this.
As I take the first injection out, my eyes feel his burning gaze making me look up and him. His breath is heavier than a moment ago and I swear there is a drop of sweat traveling down his barely puffed cheek. I follow his gaze down to the injection and realize the problem. After a second I place the injection back and speak up.
"Are you afraid of the needle??" Without saying anything he just nods. There goes all the chill acting from a minute ago. I'm underestimating his condition. He might trust me now but as he recovers more there will be more things to bear with.
I take a moment to think the situation through. If only something could distract him while I do my thing, anything. My eyes land on my phone and just now I remember that I still haven't kept my promise.
I stretch my hand to grab my phone from the table and open it quickly. I play the same song from before making him look up and distract himself from the fear that is surrounding him.
"Look, here you can change the songs. There are around 500 songs on this list so feel free to listen to any of them. Focus on the melody and the rhythm." He slowly takes the phone and starts pressing through the songs.
Is it just his taste because after 20 seconds he shakes his head and changes the song. I give him a few minutes before I water a gauze and slowly rub the spot where I'm about to inject him on his arm.
He seems focused on the song he chose. Emotional yet energetic.
I take the injection and slowly position it on the spot where the needle is about to enter his skin. I can't help but look at all the injection marks on his arm. It somehow makes me feel sad seeing this.
Like that I inject all three of the injection before he even gets to notice the needle inside his skin. He did hiss three times but was way to focused on the phone screen to look where the pain came from.
After this I force him to go to the bathroom before he falls asleep again. He did say he doesn't remember how to go to the bathroom but can't be that hard right. He just needs to do his thing. It kinda feels awkward to explain to him how to pee while he is looking at me like that.
I don't know how guys go to the bathroom. I never saw one do it. In a quick state of panic I push him in and just tell him to take his pants off and do the magic. And well... not to miss the toilet bowl.
God please. I don't want to clean after him. So please, please make him remember.
--
A few days go by in a flash as me and Minho try to make Squirrely as comfortable as possible.
It looks like lowering the dose of the drug he takes helps, since he has been keeping himself awake for more than 4 hours during the day and 3 during the night.
Our sleeping patterns are a complete mess at this point. We have to wake up at 3am every night so there is no point in even going to bed until we give him the drug.
Minho has class so he sleeps more regularly than me which I'm kinda relieved about. When he has classes early in the morning he sleeps earlier which leaves me alone with Squirrely for those 3 hours during the night.
As for Squirrely. He has been kinda getting better if I can put it that way. He is still keeping his energy level on low and we weren't able to make him smiling or laughing again.
When I put those two in the same room for the first time he kept avoiding Minho's gaze but after a day or two of Minho's weird humor he stopped being so stiff around him.
Minho wants to fix some of his memories so he started a class with Squirrely, with the determination to teach him the Korean alphabet.
As expected the less drug we give to Squirrely the more his memories start to return even though I'm not sure that is a good thing. He keeps sweating in his sleep, he also never talked to me confidently again.
Even though me and Minho are simply being ourselves around him he kind of feels even more distance than before. What did he remember exactly?? He won't talk much and he still doesn't eat much.
I don't want to feed him only ramen all the time so Minho buys some different food for him everyday but the last time he ate he said it makes him feel sick to eat.
I really want him to build up some fat soon. I don't like how skinny he is, it's creeping me out every time I help him change. It's not disgusting or anything I just don't want to see it because he looks so unhealthy and weak.
He also stayed up longer during the day than the night yesterday so he mostly slept during the night. Which is good thing I guess. He should get used to sleeping during the night soon.
And I don't even remember when did I sleep more than 3 hours before. This constant feeling of responsibility keeps me up all the time. Questions such as, what if he gets up and needs someone to be awake with him?? Or maybe he'll want to eat despite the fact food isn't his friend at the moment.
There is not much to do while he's sleeping only clean around a bit and play with the three cats so I've been extremely bored. Minho and I tried cooking more meals at home since we can't just buy food every time and it's not that bad.
Two days ago I suggested we let the cats try the soup in case it's deadly. He was ready to make a human pie out of me the moment I said that.
Ahh I feel tired but my mind won't give me a break. I have been also keeping an eye on social media. I thought the 'crazy nurse' and 'psychopath' news will die down after a while but it's still quiet trendy. It was even on the news.
I guess I am going viral. Finally my time to shine even my parents remembered they have a daughter. They have sent more messages to me in the last one week than in the last 5 years. I am amazed.
Anyway after we get out of this house I'll go to a sauna and a good massage because this couch is going to dislocate one of my joints soon. What is the point of choosing rooms when none of us actually slept in them except Minho from time to time.
Once again I'm rolling in the armchair in front of the TV. Next to me Minho and Squirrely are like dead meat it must be nice to be able to sleep so calmly. Minho and I stayed up all night and right after he had class so this is a well deserved break for him. I'll sent Squarely off to bed after he wakes up and try to fall asleep myself.
"Aghh agh" The cough from one of the couches catches my attention and I see the squeezed boy hugging the blanket tight. I raise up a bit in order to see his face, his eyes are still closed but even though he is sleeping a frown is placed on his face.
It's happening again. I notice he often hugs his blanket while sleeping so most of the time he's stone cold. I should have given him an extra pillow or something from the very beginning.
I get up from the armchair and slowly walk closer to him. His fingers are buried into the material of the blanket and his shirt is smoking wet around his neck. I slowly reach down his forehead and gently wipe the sweat that is rushing down.
"Wake up fast." I murmur out hoping he truly wakes up. I can just freak him out if I try to wake him up last time it didn't end up well either.
I decide to pick up some new clothes for him and as I'm walking up the stairs everything around me spins up a bit. Damn I really should get some rest.
I pick up the clothes fast and slowly walk down the stairs. By now Squirrely is sitting up on the couch with the blanket still in his hands and his eyes fixed in front of him looking at nothing specific. But he's up.
The moment he notices me he looks up but something feels different. I don't like the look in his eyes it's so painful but yet so empty. It.. It reminds me of the look at her eyes that day. Why does this somehow scare me.
I notice the way I froze on the spot when he looked at me so I got myself together again and slowly walked to him.
"Put these on." I say and hand him the clothes. He doesn't even bother to take them so I just place them on his lap. Noticing the way his body is paralyzed I lower my head on his level and look him directly in the eyes from up close. He looks at me and quickly shakes his head probably trying to get rid of the dream he just head.
"Came on raise your hands up." Without objections he let's me help him change his shirt and he sits back down. He brings his knees to his chin and hugs them.
Feeling how heavy my eyes feel I slowly walk toward the bathroom and splash some water over my face. The look in his face flashes through my mind again. I don't expect him to talk to me about his dreams or tell me anything at all if he doesn't want to but that look has been bothering me a lot lately. It makes me shiver every time he shows so much emptiness inside his eyes.
I get myself together again and leave the bathroom. As I walk back my eyes land on Squirrely who is now standing in front of the armchair with my teddy bear in his hands.
I listen to the last few words of the voice message to end before I storm inside the room and snatch it out off his hands. His head turns to me the surprise written all over his head.
"You shouldn't touch others people's belongings without permission." I say a bit harshly at him. He looks down and murmurs a small sorry before going back to the couch.
I brought the teddy bear down a few days ago since I felt a bit down and needed to look at something else other than a screen. It's not that I have it only only when I feel down but it's comforting in a way when I have it close to me.
"She has a nice voice.. who is that??" He asks making me tear my gaze away from the teddy bear and back at him. I hesitate to answer that question since every time I talk about this topic it makes me feel like I'm showing my weaknesses and with that letting my guard down
"She was... someone." I'm not in the mood right now. Maybe opening up to him first would help with him opening up but I don't want to open up about this topic. Not yet.
"Ohh... " Not wanting to ruin the mood even thought there is not much of a mood here right now, I quickly change the topic.
"Anyway. Are you hungry??" He stares at me for a while before lightly shaking his head.
"I don't really feel like ea-" I place the teddy bear on the armchair and walk toward him.
"Great let's go!!" I grab his hand and slowly pull him off the couch. He was about to object but probably gave up before starting because he closed his mouth right after opening it.
---------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for reading â¤ï¸ð¤