May 1982 (3 days before school let out)
"Hey, Johnny. We're all going to Golf 'N Stuff after school. Bobby's mom will drop us off. You in?" Tommy asked. He's excited because a group of freshman girls is going too.
Johnny wasn't sure how to answer. On the one hand, arcade games and go-karts would be fun. On the other hand, spending time with Ava is more fun than those things. "If it's cool with Ava, then I'm in." He has the best girl.
She's a total babe and understanding of things like this. She's the sweet to his sour. She's the even to his odd, the pretty in his world of ugly. She makes things good when everything is bad. She took his dead heart and made it alive again. He's tall, she's petite. He's got blonde hair. She has brown. He likes math. She likes English. It all works out. They complement each other in almost every way, especially the ones that count. Like peanut butter and jelly, they just go together.
Dutch sing-songed to him, "Ooooh. You have to ask AAAAva." He smirked at the end.
With an unamused expression, Johnny rounded on his friend. "Well, at least I have a girlfriend, unlike you."
Not for one minute looking put out, Dutch kept smirking. "Look, Man. Batman: single. Aquaman: single. Wolverine: single. The Hulk: single. Isn't it obvious why I'm single? It's because I'm a superhero. Duh! It takes a strong chick to love all of this." He motioned to himself with his hand. "Or maybe just a total babe."
Both Johnny and Jimmy playfully shoved him. They all began walking to their lockers, talking about karate practice, arcade games, and movies along the way. Briefly parting, Johnny needed to put his books away and find his girl. Maybe she'd want to come along with him. He'll ask and see.
Smiling to himself, he almost didn't notice the note attached to the locker. Taking it down, he realized it's Ava's handwriting. His heart beat fast. Every note from her is a gift. He loves the way her letters are pretty and how her words get jumbled together when she's excited. Usually, he waits to read them at home, alone in his room. However, unable to wait the letter unfolded in his eager hands.
Dear Johnny,
You're a great friend. Over this past year, we've had a lot of fun. We've laughed together, cried together, and grown close. I've been doing some thinking. I don't think this relationship is going to work out. You and I are on different pages right now. Don't take this hard or the wrong way, but I think maybe we should just be friends. We both have a lot of growing to do. You're going to date again, I know it. Maybe sometime in the future, it will even be me. But right now it's just not.
Always,
Ava
The letter became crushed in his hand like his heart. Willing the tears not to fall, he threw his books into the locker, opened his backpack, and grabbed his sunglasses. With them on, they can hide any unwanted tears. Then he hurried off to the carpool line. On the way, his friends called his name but he ignored them and just ran. Seeing his mom's car, he jumped in. Once the door is closed and the seatbelt clicked, he turned up the radio to drown out his thoughts.
"Hi, Baby. How was your day?" his mom asked. She smiled at him, but he couldn't smile back. Not now. He has nothing to smile for. Instead, he feels broken and numb. "I'll take your non-response as your way of telling me it was not good. I'll let you be for now, but know I love you. And I am here to listen anytime you need it." She drove off.
When they got home, he flew up the stairs and locked himself in his room. In the safety of his own bedroom, sitting on the floor, he allowed the tears to flow. Why? What did he do wrong? How does he need to grow? He'll do it if she'll just tell him. But he's used to this, though. He's used to people leaving, like his dad. Friends who aren't really friends. Ava was supposed to be different. Ava was...
He didn't finish the thought because it's too painful to say or think. It's thoughts like that which break his heart and leave him with unfulfilled expectations. His head fell to his knees as his body became wracked with sobs.
Her throat is dry. With a feeble, shaky voice (and equally shaky hands) she spoke. "Us. What do you mean?" She can't look at him. She can't possibly do so if she's to remain composed.
Sensing Ava is ill at ease, he scooted closer to her and put his hand on her leg. "Us as in everything. There's so much to say and so much left unsaid. Can we start at the beginning and go from there?" If she pushes him away and doesn't talk, like Ali, he's done. When her head swirled away from him, his heart sank.
Turning her head, she thought about this. Her thoughts are so loud inside her head, drowning out the beat of her heart. If they're going to have this long-overdue conversation, then she needs to see him better. They need to be eye-to-eye, not side-to-side.
Getting up, she changed her sitting position. Now with her back to the arm of the sofa and her body angled towards Johnny, her voice articulated her willingness. "Let's start at the beginning then." She noticed he clenched his fist. He does this either when he's angry, or in need of comfort. Since he's not angry, it's the latter. Would it be presumptuous to take his hand in her own?
The minute her hand went on top of his, unclenching his fist, his heart melted. Never will he ever admit that out loud but it did. When she curled her pinky around his own, it felt safe to speak. Grabbing the bull by the balls, he went ahead. "Why did you break up with me? What did I do wrong? Was I so terrible?"
Seeing her freeze up, he told her "I think about it a lot. I think about you a lot. I promise I won't get angry, but I really want to know."
With a huge exhale of breath, she started her part of the story. "It's hard to explain but I'll try. Towards the end of school, that year, old anxieties and self-conscious feelings resurfaced. You began being this popular guy with your karate pushing you there." She saw his face fall. "There's nothing wrong with it, being popular I mean. But then when you and the Cobras picked on that guy, Ezra. Well, I lost it."
This is something Ali has said too. She hated his fighting. But he never really fought others when he was dating Ava. "I only picked on him because he started it with me first. I don't usually start fights. I end them. Unless I'm the one being bothered."
Taking her pinky away, she put her hand palm up underneath his hand. When he closed his fingers around hers, she relaxed. It gave her the courage to say the rest. "I know. I'm not judging you. I'm only telling you my heart. See the thing is, in seventh grade, I dated this guy who was popular. He was Mr. It and I thought it was wonderful. He bought me flowers, took me out to dinner at fast-food restaurants, the roller rink, all the places. It was great. After like two months, he dumped me."
She heard Johnny mumble "idiot". Not being able to help it, a smile passed over her heart-shaped face. "But that wasn't all. I found out he only dated me as a dare. He used his popularity, afterward, to make fun of me and make my life hell. When my broken heart and bruised self-esteem saw him for who he really was, I realized he's nothing but a total jerk. He would pick on other kids too, not just me. But the whole experience really did a number on me. So much so, that I stopped eating. I lost so much weight and was really depressed. I felt ugly and unlovable."
His eyes grew large and wrinkles formed on his forehead. She's beautiful and tiny enough as it is. To know she stopped eating and felt the way she did hurt his heart. He squeezed her hand. "What a jerk."
Nodding, she agreed. "Yeah. My mom took me out of school and homeschooled me the rest of the year. I had to go to therapy too. I was anorexic, Johnny. I got better in eighth grade. But when I saw you do the same things to Ezra it brought all of that stuff back up. I froze inside and got scared. I needed to breathe and seeing you choked the air around me. It wasn't you, though. You did nothing wrong in our relationship. It was all me." Tears spilled down her face. She wiped them with her free hand.
He started to speak but found he couldn't. And thankfulness filled him when she continued talking. "What I wrote in the breakup letter I meant. I meant it when I said we needed to grow. But I broke my heart that day and I stopped eating again because I was depressed. I hurt myself and I hurt you." Her heart clenched at those words. A few tears spilled from her already moist eyes.
"Please don't worry about me. I'm better now. During sophomore year, I saw a therapist twice a month. It helped me deal with my emotions and I had a lot of them, especially when you started dating Ali. I don't know why I said that." Why did she bring Ali into this? Why?
None of this was or is his fault. "It's not your fault. None of it." She got up and grabbed the tissue box. Taking one, she wiped her face and nose.
To say he's stunned speechless is an understatement. He had no idea his Ava had been hurting as much as him, both in middle school and after their breakup. No idea. "But you're OK now?"
She shook her head yes. "I am. I promise. All the weight I lost that summer, and in tenth grade, is back. I've gained a lot. I'm much better. My therapist only sees me every three months now, or when I may need her."
Silently thanking God, he released a breath he didn't even know he was holding. It's obvious they both went through the wringer. It occurred to him then that the two of them are emotionally messed up. Maybe that's why his heart felt safe with her then, cause she understood what it feels like. Maybe that's why it still does (feel safe), even when he knows it shouldn't (because she broke up with him).
They've been through a lot. Life has taught them both to prepare for the worst. Except they deal with it differently. While he takes his frustration out on the world around him, she holds it in and hurts herself. Neither of those are good options. But together...
Running his hand over his face, he admitted "Well our break up is not all on you. I own my part. I didn't know how to love you right. That's on me. Dating Ali is on me too. Maybe I shouldn't say this but I will. I only dated her to forget you. Except the thing is, you're kinda hard to forget. Honestly, you're always on my mind. Always."
She thought she was the one rescuing him. But it turns out knights are real because he was always the badass knight rescuing her all along. He's a badass alright. With a good heart and a beautiful smile. Soft but strong at the same time. Honest to a fault and unapologetic to no one. Definitely the kind of guy you want fighting for you and with you. The type you...
Unable to finish the thought, her attention turned to his eyes. "But I thought you loved Ali. You dated for two years. She was your girl. You were her guy. I was your nothing. Everyone knows you were going to propose."
This time he shook his head, but for no. "No. Everyone is wrong. That ring was my grandmother's. My mom had me take it out of the vault to get it cleaned. She has it cleaned every year and asked me to do it for her. It's special to her and I'll only ever give it to the one I know I'm meant to be with. The one who's special to me."
Gathering his courage, he scooted closer to her. What he's about to say needs to be said close up. "Ava, it's been about you since the day I met you. Yes, I dated her. But only to forget you. Even then I still had feelings for you. And I don't care how complicated this gets. I still want you." He saw her look surprised.
Holding her gaze, he told her "It's true. They say to forget and move on. I say bullshit because I've never forgotten you. But don't mess with my heart. If you don't want me, then let me know now." He silently prayed she wants him to.
What does she say? How does she respond to him? Truth for truth is the only way. "It's true. We're not easy to love. We don't have it as easy as ordinary people do, but we're not ones for ordinary love. I have this huge weakness for you, John. When I first met you, I didn't know you were gonna be so important to me. But you are. I want you. All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, laughs, jokes, brutal honesty, sarcasm, all of the badassness, I want it all. Even if your all is a mess. Everything. But..." She can't believe she's saying this.
He cringed at that word. But is never a satisfying word in important conversations. Still, he listened.
"But I want to know you again. I want to know the John Lawrence I missed when we were apart. I want you to know me too. So can we take our time and go slow?" If he doesn't want to, her heart will break into a thousand pieces.
That's it? That's what the but was about? "I hate going slow. Slow people get on my nerves. There's nothing badass about being slow. Slow is for losers and old folks. The quickest ones survive and win. But for you Ava Green, I'll slow it down. Because without you I'm lost. I saved your space in my heart. It's yours if you want it." He wants to pull her close, but then he asked a question. An important one. "Are you sure though? Cause once you go down this path, there's no turning back."
Then she did what she's been aching to do since earlier that day. Scooting close, she hugged him. Just a simple hug is powerful. It can reduce stress, cure sadness, and heal wounds. He held her back and rested his head on top of hers. In their comforting embrace, they cried together. It takes strong hearts to love, but even stronger ones to continue to do so after they've been hurt.
If he continues to hold her like this, then he'll want to kiss her. In the spirit of going slow, he mentioned "I need to get going. But this"â- he pointed between themâ-"is what I've been waiting for, a long time. Tell me one thing, since we're going slow what can I do with you?"
Great question. "You can take me out on dates, call me on the phone, write me letters, hold my hand, open doors for me, treat me like I'm yours. You can do all the badass things you want to do, but nothing too intimate right now. I don't want us to kiss until it's right, totally right. I think we'll know when that is. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah. No kissing. Which sucks for you, cause I'm a great kisser." She laughed then. Her laughter always sets his heart on fire. "But I'm an equal opportunity hugger and hand holder. Two out of three ain't bad."
They both stood up and held hands to the front door. Before he left he pulled his girl, cause she is his girl, in for another hug. He heard her sigh into it. She said he couldn't kiss her, which obviously means the lips, but she never said anything about the hand. Taking her hand in his, he turned it over, rubbed a soothing circle on it, and lifted it to his mouth. Catching her eyes, he kissed the inside of her palm then slid it over to his cheek. His eyes closed with her caress.
Once his eyes opened, he hugged her goodbye and left a sappy Ava staring dreamily into the distance. In his car, he knew what he had to do, win her heart all over again. He may not always win, but he never backs out of a fight. You can't rush something you want to last forever. Even though forever is a scary word, and it brings up all kinds of emotions, he's going to kick the opposite of forever in the face. This time he's going to make it work.
Author's Note:
If you think they've been put together too fast, just keep in mind Johnny is Johnny. He usually does something to shoot himself in the foot. Plus they're going slow. Thanks for reading!!