Chapter 30

I just went home.

I had nowhere else to go and my dad would no doubt be asleep, so at least I wouldn’t have to face him.

I felt nauseous the whole way home in the taxi, such a familiar feeling once again. I couldn’t wait to climb into bed and block the world out. Close my eyes, lose consciousness and stop thinking.

It was sore to think. I didn’t like my thoughts.

But when I got inside, he was there.

“Hi Charles,” I made absolutly no attempt to hide the fact that I was absolutely shit-faced.

“Zara—“

I cut him off before he could go any further.

“Charles, I know what you’re going to say to me and you know what, I don’t give a shit right now. So I’m going to bed-“

“Zara, you have no idea what I am going to say to you!”

“Okay,” I struck a dramatic pose, “Lets play a little guessing game then….Disappointed blah blah, drink too much etc etc, embarrassment and so on and so on and so on. Am I close?”

“Not at all.”

He moved towards me and I took a step back immediatly. “I was going to say that I think this is my fault too,” He didn't seem angry, his tone was almost gentle. It was bizarre.

“What are you talking about?”

“Sit. Please.” He gestured for me to sit and since I was really starting to wobble on my feet, I accepted. I stumbled slightly as I went down, which my father obviously noticed,

“Can I get you some coffee?” He asked.

My mouth almost fell open, this was one of the most fatherly things he’d done in ages. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d made me coffee or anything like that, he probably didn’t even remember how I liked—

“No milk and two sweetners right?” He was walking off to the kitchen already.

“Yes,” I stared after him in utter shock, wondering what the hell was going on. He was building up to something I just wasn’t sure what. He probably wanted me more sober for the biggest lecture of my life and for when he told me that he was kicking me out the house and disowning me or something.

He came back and put the coffee down on the table next to me and then did something peculiar, he touched my shoulder as he walked past. At first I thought that perhaps it had been an error, but it felt deliberate. And to top it all off, he was looking at me very strangely. I sipped the coffee, I felt nervous.

So did he. Charles looked nervous. He was never nervous, he was mainly irritated and angry. Nerves and weakness’ like that were not his thing. It made me unsettled.

“I was going to say Zara that I am just as much to blame, maybe even more so actually, for this behavior of yours.”

I shook my head at him,” What do you mean?”

“I had a long conversation with your aunt while you were gone and we both agreed that we haven’t been very good to you. Neither one of us has been very supportive since your mother died. She at least has some excuse, she lives on a different continent, I don’t. I live with you in the same house.”

I put the coffee down on the table slowly waiting for the punch line. For the but to come. For Charles to say something Charles-like. This was not him. I was either drunker than I'd ever been in my entire life, or my father had been possessed.

“Are you okay Zara?” He must have sensed my apprehension.

“Are you okay,” I asked him.

He put his elbows on his knees and put his head in them momentarily, something I'd never seen him do before.

“No actually. I’m not. I’ve completely let down my only child.”

The room was spinning now. Not because I was shit-faced, but because I was shocked. Downright, thrown off my feet shocked. I had to hear him say it again.

“What did you say?”

“When your mom died I was devastated, I mean broken. I didn’t know how I was going to survive without her. And on top of that suddenly I was a single dad with a daughter and I didn’t know what to do. Your mom was the one that held this family together and kept us working properly and without her, everything fell apart. “ He paused for a moment and I swear his eyes looked shiny as if they were tearing up, Suddenly it felt like someone plunged a knife into my chest and started twisting it, “I failed you. I should have looked after you more, guided you, helped you, but I didn’t. I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I almost forgot about yours. I threw myself into work and I hardly come up for air....Your mother would be so disappointed with me.”

And then he cried. He took in a sharp breath and a tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped it away with his hand.

“Sometimes you remind me of her so much that I don’t know what to do. It’s so painful and maybe I’ve pushed you away…”

Another tear rolled down his cheek and that was it for me. I was completely finished. I started to sob. That sob that comes from a place that you never go to. A place that you fight so hard to get rid of. But despite looking the part, this wasn’t a cry of pain, it was relief. Joy even at my fathers revelation. He moved closer and put his arm around me and I buried my head in his neck. He smelt so nice, just like I remebered. He had that fatherly smell about him, it was a mixture of starched collars and aftershave, the kind that older men wear. That Old Spice kind.

“I love you Zara. I’m so sorry.” Those three words. I love you. I had wanted him to say them to me so, so, so many times. And now that he finally was, it felt so incredibly good to hear. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d said it to me and they just flew out of my mouth too

“I love you too dad.”

He held me so tightly, and I clung on for dear life. I didn’t want to let him go in case this moment was going to end. I'd been waiting for this for some many years. But I also knew I had some things that I needed to say.

“It’s not all your fault dad. I’m twenty now, I’m an adult. I’m not that little girl an I've been a bit of a shit.”

“I know,” He said pulling the hair out of my face that was sticking to the wet tears, “You’re responsible for your decisions and your actions."

I nodded,” I know. And I don’t make very good decisions do I?”

“No you don’t. But your aunt also told me how capable you are of doing the right thing. She said that the transformation she saw in you was amazing. She said that all the staff there loved you, and that you were pitching in around the lodge and that you had—“ He paused to look at me and my lip started to quiver. I tried to  stop it by biting it,  but I could feel the pain rising.

“She said you got really close to this great guy and that you two really brought out the best in each other. She said she’s never seen you, or him happier, that you’re great together. She had so many good things to say about him, in fact she told me that he will be taking over for her at the lodge when she retires.“

The image of the house suddenly flashed through my mind.  “I don’t want to talk about him.” I think I tasted blood I was biting my lip so hard.

“Yes, she said there was some kind of fight… something to do with Clayton”

"I don't want to talk about Clayton. I don't think we're going to be friends anymore."

My father raised his brow in query, but I saw him change his mind instead he just said, "I can't say that will upset me,"

My father had never liked Clayton. He'd called him a bad influence. I had been right. And so had Riaan, he wasn't a real friend, at all.

"And what about this other fellow, Riaan?" He asked.

I felt like I was bursting inside. I hadn’t spoken to anyone about Riaan and I desperately needed to, but it felt so awkward speaking to my dad about this.  If my mom was here I would imagine talking to her about it, but not my dad.

“It’s over with him. It didn’t work. It was never going to work, so it’s over. Whatever!”

My father looked very unconvinced.

“I’m going to give you some advice Zara, the first piece of fatherly advice I’ve given you in years. I don’t know if it’s going to help but….” He sighed a long deep painful sounding sigh, “ Your mother was my soul mate. She still is. And I ‘ve never met anyone else like her, or vaguely like her and I believe I never will. I think that those kinds of people come around once in a persons lifetime, and that if you find them, you have to hold onto them with everything you have….”

I raised my head slowly and met my father’s eyes. I saw a man in so much pain. He looked so empty somehow. A lot like me I guess.

The pieces suddenly started falling into place, I’d often wondered why he’d never seriously dated anyone, I’d just assumed he was such an asshole that woman didn’t like him. But now I knew... it was because she was his everything. And still it. Suddenly I felt so sorry for him I wanted to hug him.

“I’ve been lucky enough to meet mine, and although it wasn’t for as long as I hoped, it was still wonderful. And I hope you will experience that one day too.”

We sat in silence for a while. Me thinking about Riaan, and I’m sure my father was thinking about my mother. He put his arm around me again, “I know we’ve missed out on a lot, but I’d like us to try and be closer,”

“Me too,” I meant it. I meant it more than anything I'd said in a long, long time. I had craved a relationship with him for so long.

My dad walked with me all the way to my bedroom. He had his arm around me the whole time, and my head was on his shouder.  We stopped outside my door,

“Your aunt also told me that you stopped drinking while you were there?”

I nodded at him, “Yes.”

“Well, I think that’s something you need to do again. If you need some help with that we can—“

“I drink to forget the pain dad. To forget mom, to forget that you and I didn’t have a relationship… So this is a good start. You and I. This will help.”

He hugged me again and the feeling took me right back to being that little girl who idolised her father and looked up to him as if he was a super hero.

“And maybe we can talk about mom sometimes. We never talk about her. We’ve never talked about her. My aunt told me stories about her when she was young and it was really lovely to think about her like that.”

“That would be nice.” He said smiling at me.

We said good night and I climbed into bed and I felt such an inner sense of contentment. So much had changed tonight; so much had changed these past few weeks. I felt like I had gained a father, but I'd also lost. I’d lost Riaan.

Before I fell asleep that night he was the last face I saw.