Chapter 14

Gwen felt boneless, languid. It took all her effort to raise her head and sit up. When she saw Jack just staring at her, she grabbed a nearby blanket and laughed into it.

“Don’t cover yourself,” said Jack, gently taking the blanket from her. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Gwen wasn’t embarrassed. She just felt giddy, and maybe a little overwhelmed. If she thought too much about what she felt right in this moment, that giddiness would disappear like a puff of smoke.

Forcing herself to be brave, she pulled Jack’s face down to kiss him. She caressed his chest and moved to the bulge that was all too noticeable.

“Gwen.” Jack’s voice was a rumble she felt throughout her body. “What are you doing?”

“Touching you.” Gwen traced a figure-eight around his cock; she felt his entire body stiffen. “I think you want me to touch you.”

“It’s not a matter of want.”

She suddenly felt self-conscious. Pulling her hand away, she waited for the inevitable blow to hit. ~I’m not really feeling it. It’s not you, it’s me. I should go. It’s getting late.~

But the ax didn’t fall. Instead, Jack kissed her quickly and then stood up. “Let’s eat,” was all he said by way of explanation.

She didn’t protest, as her own stomach was rumbling ominously. While Jack got them both some stew, Gwen put her clothes back on.

She probably would never be the type to lounge around the house completely nude. Besides, eating hot stew naked was a recipe for burns in awkward places.

Jack sat down next to her. He ate his stew in silence, which Gwen found maddening. She wanted to press him for answers, or explanations. She wanted to know what he wanted to do next. Were they just supposed to act like he hadn’t been eating ~her ~out not even twenty minutes ago?

She blushed as she remembered. She was still tingling from her orgasm. She was also still sweaty, and the hot bowl in her hands didn’t help cool her down, either.

“This is good,” said Jack, pointing to his own bowl. He’d already eaten half of it. “Is it okay if I have a second bowl?”

Gwen’s lips twitched. “Go for it.”

They finished their meals in relative silence. Jack seemed at ease. Gwen tried her best not to stare at him from the corner of her eye, trying to gauge what he was feeling. If he got up after eating and said he needed to get home, she’d probably throw the cheese platter at his head. She was that wound up.

“Jack,” said Gwen, watching him continue to eat. How much could this man put away? Her worry about finishing all this food had disappeared watching him.

“Yeah?” He swallowed a slice of brie.

“Are you seriously just going to sit there and eat and say nothing?”

He was now popping grapes into his mouth. Based on how slowly he was chewing, she realized he was messing with her, the jerk. When he smiled, looking mischievous, she picked up a pillow and hit him with it.

“Hey, hey! What’s with the hitting?”

He put up his hands, but it was no use. Gwen went on a rampage of pillow hitting that only resulted in Jack laughing loudly.

“You. Are. The. Worst.” She punctuated each word with a smack of the pillow. “I’m over here dying and you’re just eating every bit of food in my place!”

“I didn’t even open your fridge, so I doubt that.”

Gwen just stuck out her tongue, but she couldn’t stop herself from smiling, either.

“Feel better?” Jack popped one last grape into his mouth.

“Sort of.” Gwen sighed. “Not really.” Steeling herself, her back straight, she asked, “Why did you reject me? I wanted to return the favor. Why did you say no?”

Jack’s expression turned somber. He rubbed the back of his neck, like he didn’t know how to answer her question. “It didn’t seem like a good idea,” he rumbled.

“Me touching you is a bad idea?”

“Going too fast is what messed us up last time.” He glared at her now. “I’m trying to go slow, but you’re making it very hard.”

Where she was expecting more rejection, she realized that she’d been silly. And defensive. Mortified, she grimaced.

“Now I feel like a complete asshole,” she admitted. “I was afraid you’d changed your mind.”

“Gwen, look at me.” She did. “I want you to touch me. I want your hands on my cock, your mouth. I want to be inside you more than words can explain. But you’re testing every bit of my self-control.”

To Gwen’s horror, she felt tears prick her eyes. Relief poured through every limb. Scrubbing at her eyes, she sniffled, forcing the tears down. She was not going to burst into tears. Not with Jack looking at her like she’d just handed him a severed limb.

“Shit, why are you crying? Please don’t cry.” He looked almost panicked.

“I don’t know why I’m crying. I mean, I’m trying not to. I guess I just have a lot of feelings right now.”

How did she explain it to Jack? That she was still so afraid of him reacting like Tim that hearing the opposite was almost a painful kind of relief? That she hadn’t realized how much she’d been expecting the blow to occur?

“Baby, talk to me.” Jack took her hand in his.

“My head is all screwed up. My marriage did a number on me.”

“Your ex.” Jack spat the word.

“I already told you what happened. Things between us just got worse and worse. Eventually, I couldn’t have sex with him anymore. I still don’t know why. I can’t even blame him for calling me frigid, since that’s what I was.”

“He was an asshole.”

“Yeah, he was. But I was at fault, too. I accept that. I stopped trying altogether.”

“How many times did he make you feel good? In bed?”

Gwen blinked. Jack looked pained. She knew he didn’t like talking about things like this. He probably wanted to run for the hills, she thought in despair.

“Tim? He tried. But it was a lot of work to get me there. Then I got inside my head and then I just...couldn’t. It’s hard to explain.”

“Work? It’s not fucking work to make your woman feel good. It’s the best feeling in the world. If it took me all day and all night, I’d get a woman to come if she wanted me to.”

Gwen smiled a little. “Good thing it didn’t take you that long this time.”

“Because I give a shit. Sounds like your ex didn’t. It’s as simple as that.”

Gwen didn’t know how to reply to that. For so long, she’d blamed herself for her marriage failing. Oh, Tim had been at fault, too, but she’d never placed the blame solely on his shoulders. Strangely, thinking that it was due to Tim’s selfishness meant admitting that she’d had no control of the situation.

She hadn’t failed. Tim had failed her.

“You don’t look like you believe me,” said Jack quietly.

Gwen shook her head. “I don’t. I think I will eventually. Why is it so much harder to forgive yourself than others?”

“Because you’re a good person, that’s why. I knew it the first moment I met you.”

She cuddled up next to him, enjoying the warmth of his body and how he stroked her hair absently.

“You’re way more of a softie than you let on,” she said eventually, smiling.

Jack looked embarrassed. He muttered something under his breath, and Gwen could almost see his face turning red under his tan. Had Jack Benson ever blushed in his entire life? It was difficult for her to imagine.

“You are. Underneath all of the growling and scowling, you’re squishy.” Gwen poked his stomach. “Well, not literally. Do you have an eight-pack under there?” She lifted his shirt to inspect further.

“You’ve already seen me with my shirt off.” He raised a single eyebrow. “Actually, I distinctly remember catching you staring at me when I was naked.”

Gwen had never mentioned that event to Jack since it’d happened, and he’d called her out on it later in the day. She’d just been too mortified to talk about it. Covering her face with her hands, she tried to squirm away from him.

Soon after they’d met five years ago, Gwen had stumbled upon a naked man swimming in the ocean. She’d been transfixed; he’d been like something out of a movie. She’d soon realized who it was, but that hadn’t been enough for her to tear her gaze away. It had only been later that Jack had given her some binoculars, telling her it had seemed like she’d needed some.

“Do you still have those binoculars?” mused Jack, laughter in his voice.

“Oh, they’re in a closet somewhere. I was too embarrassed to use them.”

“Why?” He sounded genuinely surprised.

“Because if you’d seen me using them, it’d just make you remember how much of a creep I’d been.” She grimaced. “I shouldn’t have stared. It was rude.”

“Rude? Gwen, baby, do you think I’ve been offended all these years?” He took her hands from her face. “I was flattered. Besides, I was out in public. It’s not like you were lurking in the bushes outside my house to catch a peek.”

“Do you even have bushes around your house?”

He grinned. “No. Helps keep peeping toms away, though.”

Gwen wanted to die. It didn’t help that Jack kept laughing, either. Eventually, she just rolled her eyes at him. She was glad he was laughing. He didn’t do it nearly enough.

“Where are the binoculars?” said Jack suddenly.

“Um, in my coat closet. I think. Why?” Gwen pointed at a door near the entrance.

Jack rose and after asking if it was okay for him to look, he began to search in the closet for said binoculars. It was only when he said, “What the hell is this?” that Gwen remembered she’d stashed the ugly nightgown in there.

Jack held up the offending article of clothing. “What the hell is this?”

“What are you talking about?” Gwen went to him and took the nightgown from him. “I bought it for you. Isn’t it sexy?” She held it up, the fish on its front as open-mouthed as Jack was currently.

“Seriously?” he said.

“I mean, you’re a fisherman. It’s a nightgown with a fish on it. What’s not to love?”

He looked so confounded that Gwen couldn’t help but laugh at him. Realizing she was teasing, he growled at her.

“You brat.” He took the nightgown from her and then tossed it into some dark corner of the closet. “I really thought you were serious.”

“I know. Your face—” She giggled. Her giggles only ended when he kissed her, hard. The giggles soon turned into a moan of surprise.

“Your bedroom,” he rasped. “Now.”

* * *

Jack lay in Gwen’s bed, gazing at the ceiling. They were naked, and Gwen was dozing next to him.

Normally, he felt frustrated if he hadn’t gotten sex yet. But for some reason, he was content to show Gwen how good sex could be with a partner who gave a shit.

When he made a little noise, his heart contracted. He didn’t want to examine these feelings too closely, though. If anything, he should get up, get dressed, and go home.

But he stayed where he was, watching Gwen sleep.

Eventually, her lashes fluttered, and yawning, she asked, “What time is it?”

“Late. Early. Dunno.”

“Well, that’s helpful.” She stretched, their legs hooking together. “Why are you still awake?”

“Just couldn’t sleep. I usually sleep alone.”

Gwen blinked in surprise. “You’ve dated other women, though.”

“They usually leave that night.”

“Oh.” She wouldn’t look at him now. “You can go if you want.”

“I don’t. Want to go, that is.”

The smile she gave him was blinding. ~Do you really think you can end this without her getting hurt? ~

He told himself that Gwen knew the rules. She knew this was temporary. If she caught feelings, it’d be her own fault.

But even as he told himself that, the guilt for something that hadn’t even happened made it difficult to speak.

“Have you never had a long-term relationship?” said Gwen, breaking through his thoughts.

“This is why I don’t let women stay over,” he rumbled, “because then they start asking questions.”

Gwen wasn’t deterred. She just waited patiently for his answer.

“I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a few months. It’s been years since I’ve had a girlfriend. Not since I was in my twenties.”

“That sounds kind of lonely.”

“It never bothered me.”

“No man is an island. Even you, I’m sure. Everybody gets lonely.”

“Not me.”

If he sounded less than convincing, Gwen was smart enough not to comment on it.

“Sometimes it’s nice to be single,” she said, “but then other times, you want a person you can cuddle with. That person who you can eat meals with, who asks you about your day and vice versa. That you can rely on if you need anyone.”

“I’ve never had that.” Jack’s voice was just a murmur.

“What about your parents?”

He hated this. But at the same time, he didn’t sense any judgment in Gwen’s tone. Merely curiosity, and concern. There was no one he trusted more than Gwen Parker.

“My dad ran off when I was a kid. I don’t remember him. My mom...” How did he explain that to Gwen? “She had issues.”

“Do you talk to her at all? My mom passed a while ago. My dad moved to Florida three years ago, so I really only see him for the holidays. So I kind of get not being close to your parents. Well, parent singular. I was close to my mom.”

“When did she pass?”

“When I was in high school. She had breast cancer. It was already stage three by the time she was diagnosed, and it spread quickly.” Gwen sighed. “I miss her every day.”

“I’m sorry.” And he was because if Gwen’s mom was anything like Gwen, she must’ve been a hell of a woman.

“Thank you. I guess I get weird about people talking to their parents because you never know when they’ll be gone.”

Guilt nipped at Jack. Even as he’d distanced himself from his own mom for his mental health, there was still a part of him that had wanted to fix her.

“My mom was an addict. Still is, although she denies it. She was addicted to all kinds of things when I was a kid.” He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “So my childhood wasn’t great.”

“Oh, Jack. That makes me so sad.” Gwen took his hand and squeezed it. “No wonder you’ve kept to yourself.”

He hated the way she could see inside him so easily. The feeling of being vulnerable was almost physically painful.

“I don’t need you to be my armchair shrink,” he said, rather harshly. “I’m alive. I’m working. I’m okay.”

Gwen, being Gwen, didn’t take offense. She just kissed his fingers, laid her head back onto his shoulder, and eventually returned to sleep.

Jack, though, couldn’t sleep. He stayed up most of the night, listening to Gwen breathe, wondering if he should be the one afraid of getting hurt.