Chapter 0192 Rowan.
My eyes snap open. Rays of light hitting me square in the face. I groan in pain. My head was pounding as If there was someone using it as a F***ing drum.
to realster thall It takes a while am in my room, in Gabeâs house. Itâs something we both did. He has a room at my house, and I have one in his.
Groaning, I stand up and head to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and step under it. Using my hands for support, I lean against the wall and try to put my jumbled thoughts in order. I donât remember much of last night except drinking Fuck! How the hell did I get here? How is it possible that I fell in love with Ava and didnât realize it sooner?
The moment the realization hit me, I went straight to the club. I rarely get drunk. I promised myself not to ever get butt drunk after Noah was born. Normally, I just take a class or two, and thatâs enough.
Yesterday, though, I needed it. I needed it badly There is no remedy for what I was feeling. No F***ing cure. How do you even begin to deal with the realization hurting?
t you love the woman that you hated? The same woman you spent nine F***ing wears I sigh and get out of the bathroom. Feeling like I have aged at least thirty years. I havenât been this out of sorts in years.
After getting dressed, I head downstairs. I find Gabe having breakfast.
âWhere is June?â I ask, referring to his housekeeper.
âSheâs made us breakfast and left. She said that she wanted an early start to the market so she could get fresh veggies.â
June had a thing against buying from grocery stores. For some reason, she believed that they werenât as fresh or organic as they wanted us to believe. She buys all vegetables, fruits, meat, eggs, and milk from the local market, which is owned by a bunch of farmers.
âHow are you feeling?â Gabe asks as I pour myself some coffee, âLike Iâve been hit by a truck,â
When I realized that I loved Ava, part of me wanted to rush back to her house and tell her immediately. I would have if my rational side hadnât won. It was too soon to tell her. She wouldnât have believed me at +15 BONUS Iâve never been scared, but with this new awareness, I was F***ing terrified. Is this how she used to feel? Loving me but also knowing that I hate her?
âAbout yesterday,â Gabe begins, âI thought you swore never to get drunk ever again.â
1 I âI know, but I needed it. I needed to numb the pain. You canât understand how difficult it was to realize that I love Ava. That all this time Iâve caused her nothing but pain. It was suffocating me to know that I may have lost my chance with her all because I couldnât let go of my bitternessâ
I pretend I donât notice it every time I show up to pick Noah up, and she frowns at me in disapproval. Or when, at times, she looks at me with nothing but hate and resentment.
I ignore it, trying to let it not affect me because I crave her. I follow her around like a damn lost puppy, begging for any scraps of affection sheâll give me. Even if itâs bitterness, I take it because itâs the only way to be near her.
I never thought of what she went through at my hands. What she is dishing out is nothing compared to what I did to her. Yet it still F***ing hurts. How the hell did she survive me for those nine F***ing years?
she wants nothi to do with me. Wants me to be completely out of her life for good. I want to give her that because she deserves better, but I canât let her go no matter how I F***ing try. 1 i âHow did that happen? The last time I checked, you were sure you were in love with Emma.â Gabe asks me, looking puzzled.
âYes, but werenât you the one that insisted that I had suppressed feelings for Ava?â
I remember how adamant he was about that. He wouldnât let it go, even after I told him countless times that I wasnât in love with Ava. I guess he just knows me better than I know myself. He saw something I didnât want to recognize.
âMy gut was telling me you loved Ava, but your insistence at times made me doubt that maybe I was wrong.â
I sigh. âYou were F***ing right. My only wish is that I had relegalized this sooner. Maybe then it would have been easier to mend what I brokeâ
I stare off into space. Lost in the bitter memories. Memories where I had her, but instead of cherishing her I ruined her. I broke her. My actions and words chipped at her heart slowly by slowly until there was nothing left.