Panic

it was the strangest thing at first

and i thought that the heavy breathing was because

i was tired

-

it started off as a great day because i woke up

and didn't hit my snooze button

i went to school and my day went well

and i was happy

then school finished

i thought the day had been great and

everything had gone fairly well

but then i went to practice

my confidence always sucks when i play sports

and tonight i was playing my worst

that was when he took advantage of my tired mindset

and hit me hard, knocking all air out of me

as well as my small amount of confidence

i grew quiet, and as we finished the drill

and i noticed that something was very wrong

i felt like i was breathing rapidly through a small straw

and my head felt like it was about to burst

my hands were shaking as tears filled my eyes to the brims

and my heartbeat was going a thousand miles a minute

Oh God.

i was having a panic attack.

i'm not sure how i could tell that this was indeed a panic attack

but i knew it was far worse than my previous episodes during practice

normally i can hide it when i'm upset

but i felt as if i were going to start sobbing

so i faked yawns to make my watery eyes look normal

eventually i cooled off

still shaking from the experience

but sadly my self-esteem was now as low as could be

because of one blow by one guy

i have been running on empty for many miles

and i've got no idea when i'll finally break down

but it can't be too long

yet i faked the smiles and yawns

pretended i was just fine

and continued

in this world showing weakness is asking for judgement

so i pretend to be invincible

and keep my worries to myself

i'm keeping this panic attack to myself

-

it was the strangest thing at first

and i thought that the heavy breathing was because

i was tired

i wish it was because i was tired.

...

I was hoping today would be a good day for me, because it was my birthday. For the first half of the day, it was a very nice day. But now I sit here on my bed blaring music through my headphones, wishing I knew what has happened to me and how to fix it.

I can't run on empty forever.