"It hurts," I confessed to the silent night, the wind not so subtly messing with my golden hair.
My heart was currently enslaved by three things; pentagon, planet earth, and a certain human. Kept in their suffocating hold it was a type of suffering that dig into your soul slowly and surely, taking everything else in the processâmuch rather experiencing physical pain.
"You were always like this," his voice has caused me to pull up from the ground, escalating heartbeat at the realization; he was here. "Be a soldier Elina, emotions, regret, everything else will lead into chaos."
His neatly modeled hair, thick dark brows, and dark irises burned into me. Why?
"Why?!" I screamed, feeling the control I worked on keeping for all these years slipping away. "Why are you here, why are you always following me!" Words like razors cut through my throat when speaking his name, "Keith!"
His wide smile caused a wave of conflicted feelings within me. "Elina, you know why... Stop this. You are hurting yourself." His steps without hesitance approaching me, while I clumsily moved backward until met with a large tree preventing me from running from this nightmare.
"No," I choked in a whisper. "I don't know." I shook my head in denial. "I don't know anything!"
His hand inching closer until it rested against my clenched jaw. "Stop it," he repeated. "Be a soldier, don't think. Complete the mission and go back, you know how it ends when you go against them. You know how it ends when you don't listen."
"Are you really here...?"
Amusement sparkled in his dark eyes, he scanned my face and gave my cheek a few pats before moving away. "I always am." Before disappearing from my blurry sight, he added, "I will be watching you."
Sucking in the sharp evening air, unaware my body was in an urgent need of taking a breath. My consciousness felt submerged under the depth of cold water. Falling onto my knees, hitting my head with the palm of my hands begging for this feeling to pass.
"You aren't really here, you can't be." I kept on repeating like a spell that was supposed to make everything better. If Keith was here then it meant we never escaped. Pentagon was controlling us from the start, keeping an eye on our every move.
"Fuck..." I swore defeated, there was truly no way out.
I'm so scared.
"Elina, are you there?" Her melodic voice soothed my anxious heart. "I know you are... Please come down," her words were so gentle, always careful even when speaking to someone like me.
Gulping I got up from the dirty soil; a mess, that's what I was. Walking down the steep hill, the only place in the park where I knew she couldn't go by herself, there was hesitation before looking into her eyes that scanned my body.
"Elina..." I felt enchanted by this woman. She was motioning for me to come forth. I listened, dropping onto my knees right in front and resting the forehead against her laps. "Oh sweet girl, what happened to you?" her voice was filled with pain; she might have been sobbing.
"I'm a monster..." I whispered slightly surprised she picked that up.
Her gasp as she cupped my cheeks and made me look into her full of emotion eyes, hurting for me. "What are you saying," she seemed conflicted not understanding anything. "You are nothing but sweet, even if you don't know it or don't understand it. I see no monster," the urgency in her tone was what got me.
"You know nothing about me professor, if you have..." I had a hard time speaking with the lump growing at the back of my throat. "You wouldn't be so kind. You wouldn't wish to see me again."
Not letting go of my cheeks she frowned at what I've said. "I see you now Elina, don't let the past define you. Who do you want to be?" she admonished with an entire galaxy sparking in her gorgeous eyes.
Buring my head in her laps I didn't know, I had no answer to such a profound question, never having a chance or opportunity to consider anything of sorts.
Nothing else was said, her long fingers ran through my blonde hair occasionally rubbing against the scalp, calming me down, yet his presence remained. Turning to the side I saw his figure standing far back shaking his head and slitting his throat with his thumb, motioning for me that the death was coming.
"Elina," her voice was like an angel fighting against the darkness of my mind. Forgetting about Keith I looked at her with so many emotions her voice hitched. "Wow..." she uttered breathlessly. "Why are you hiding it? It's beautiful..." We were both in a moment, entranced by each other to the point where there was no logic, her cheeks slightly reddish as her eyes refused to look away from mine.
"It scares me..." I confessed. "It terrifies me, what I could find there." The truth.
Blessing me with a warm smile she sighed and chuckled lightly, "That's completely normal. Standing face to face with your own fears and insecurities. I mean look at me," she pointed at the wheelchair. "I had to learn how to even look at my own legs again. Considering my life being over after the accident. And now? Now I consider it an eye-opener, and don't get me wrong it's still difficult and challenging, but after all of this I wish to start living for myself for once."
"Start living for myself...?" It felt foreign saying it out loud.
"It's okay," she cooed like a mother would to her child, first time experiencing such warmness. "You are still very young, with a bit of hard work you will figure it out much sooner than I have."
Huffing I pulled away, "I'm not that young!" I argued offended.
With a raised brow she shook her head. "Okay, how old are you then?" there was a hint of amusement in her words and cheeky smile.
Raising myself from the ground with prideâI answered, "I'm officially hundred and five thank you for asking."
With that the woman laughed, squeezing her stomach in the process. "That's... Interesting," she managed to say.
"What?" Was it not by the Earth's standards? Quickly calculating it on my watch I asked in the meantime, "What about you? How old are you?"
There was a slight hum before the answer, "Turned thirty not long ago."
Squinting my eyes this sure didn't sound right. "You are young," I blurted making her laugh again. I sure was good at making her do that.
"Thank you, sweetheart," my heart skipped at the way she said those words. "So, what would your age be then? Truly hard to believe it's hundred and five," she grinned leaning forward in her chair.
"Well..." looking at the results this seemed off. "It says twenty-one..." I muttered. "Awfully small number." Observing her with a tilted head as she laughed to her heart content. "Whatever..."
I didn't want this blissful sound to stop, yet somehow found myself brushing the loose strand of her soft hair and tugging it behind her ear. She paused and shyly looked away. How come this simple action was enough to make her lose the attitude and become so quiet.
"I apologize," I worried to offend her with such careless action, however she shook her head pushing the bad thoughts away.
"You are allowed," she told me unsurely while looking at the sky.
A sudden image came back to me. "Was Jonah?" I referred to his earlier kiss.
This comment took her aback, she clearly hasn't expected me to bring him up. "He's a friend," her answer was short and said nothing. It was interesting how at times humans could talk in codes, say one thing but mean another.
"Like me?" I carried on, desire to know something, anything about her growing.
"He's... an old friend. You are new and different. It's not the same."
Humming I felt how uncomfortable this conversation has made her feel and decided not to dwell on it further. "Okay," I told her not needing anything else. "As long as I'm different."
She hasn't commented on that instead glanced at me from under her lashes, as if uncertain if she has heard it right.
"I wish I could understand what's going on in that head of yours," she muttered with her brows knitted together creating a tiny frown to appear on her face.
"I don't think you would want that. My thoughts are truly out of this world," I answered with a little smirk feeling much calmer after letting the frustration out, or maybe it was her who eased the pain.
"What are you an alien?" she snickered, beginning to cough notoriously for a few minutes, which got me worried.
Needing to ensure her safety I leaned in in order to scan her eyes and pulse. Sighing, I must have been overreacting because the results were within the norm.
"That I am," I told her shortly without an ounce of amusement, knowing well this would simply be taken as a joke. "But you..." I continued having a difficult time understanding her existence. "You are a heavenly creature, which makes me wonder what are you doing here on Earth."
Her light brown irises disappeared behind dilated black pupils, she paused her breathing and froze entirely before looking down and mumbling some incoherent words even I couldn't understand.
"There's nothing heavenly about me... Why would you say such a thing?"
"Have I offended you?" My voice was unbothered, having no regret in describing her as such, but the way she saddened was what caused me to ask.
There was a thing with this woman that I learnt to dislike, the way her eyes shifted lower, as if afraid to look up. Something she should never be doing in my presence, because deep down I felt the urge to ensure her safety and happiness, for whatever reason it was.
"I apologize," she finally let out. "I don't think I know how to accept such kind words... I'm not used to being on the receiving end."
A subtle smirk took over the corner of my mouth, I wasn't even trying to be kind, how would she react if I have?
"Oh please..." she whined and hid her face in her hands. "Don't laugh at me."
I felt awful for making her feel so insecure. "Nahla," I allowed her name to dance off of my lips. She instantly looked at me horrified yet calmer. "I'm not laughing at you," I reassured pointing at my face. "I reacted naturally to the way you've behaved."
She was intrigued by my explanation. "And how did I behave?" Her hands crossed and posture changing, she thought she was getting any sort of reaction out of me.
"Hmm," I took a minute to answer. "Not sure, but it was adorable. That's what I thought. That's why I smirked," I explained to the best of my capabilities, which only made her face to grow the deeper shade of red. "Are you okay?" I tried to remain indifferent in my approach yet the worry overtook the heart.
"Y..yeah!" her voice unnaturally high-pitched. "Anyway"âher hands began anxiously playing with the gloveâ"I think we should head back home, it's getting cold."
Right, how could I not tell, she must have been freezing! The reddish cheeks and occasional sniffles indicated cold.
"Am I allowed to walk you back?" My heart picked up the pace as the idea of being refused has slipped into my mind.
She took a second to reply, and just maybe saw past the stern expression as she gave me a soft nod and whispered in the sweetest way, "If that's what you would like to do..."
Happily walking next to the woman I couldn't help, but admire the way she pushed through this life, up from where I came from, she would never get the chance to try.
And maybe that's all they neededâchance.
"So..." she began when we awkwardly stood in front of her place. "You know, about before, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here."
"Mhm," I muttered wanting to erase that. "It won't be happening anytime soon. Such weakness cannot be displayed."
She shook her head before saying, "I don't think that was weakness, but strength. To acknowledge feelings, it's scary, but also incredibly brave. Small steps though, how do you feel now?"
My tongue clicked against the roof of my mouth as I took a second before trying to answer. "It's stupid..." I argued with myself. "The way I feel around you makes no sense."
Something glimmered in her eyes as she had no strength to pull them away, fully entranced by mine. "Yeah, that makes the two of us, doesn't it?"
Before I could think of anything to say, she whispered a goodbye and entered the building, leaving me standing confused by the emotions I never had.
"I don't understand."
â