This monthâs child support check came today with a folded note in the envelope. I recognize the thin paperâthe same he writes all his notes on.
I donât unfold it. I put the check in my wallet to take to the bank, and I take the note upstairs to my room.
Do I want to read it?
Iâm not sure.
I could shove the note in a drawer and forget it.
I could rip it up and flush the tiny pieces.
Or I can open it and see what Blue has to say.
Of course thatâs what I do.
Dear Piper,
Iâm trying to do what you asked and stay out of your life. I know thatâs whatâs best for you and Lyric. Everything you said is true. Iâm not worth any part of you. I wish I was worth your love and care. Iâve never understood what you see in me. Iâve never understood why someone so beautiful and sweet would let me touch them. Thatâs why I can never keep my hands off you. Every touch of you is like a gift, something rare and precious I know I shouldnât have. But I want it. I want you. I have from the first day I saw you in the park. You asked me whatâs wrong with me, why do I wreck things, and the answer is I donât know. Something is wrong with me or maybe this is just who I am and that makes this normal for me and thereâs nothing wrong with me. Whatever it is, I fuck things up and I hurt you and Iâm sorry. I know you donât believe me but I never want to hurt you. I want to give you everything. I want to make you the happiest youâve ever been. I donât want to be your favorite regret or your worst memories. I want to be someone you and Lyric can be proud of. Iâm trying. I promise you with every part of my heart and soul Iâm trying so hard and Iâm so tired but Iâm not giving up. You be strong and Iâll be strong and someday, weâll get this right.
Not a day goes by that I donât ache for you and dream about you. Iâd love to tell you to find someone to love you and be happy but I canât do that, Ladybug. Iâm selfish when it comes to you. Youâre all I have and all I love and I canât give you up. Try not to give me up, either.
I love you like no tomorrow,
Blue
That familiar ache burns in my stomach and spreads up to my chest, then to my throat. All I want to do is call him and tell him how much I miss him. I want to tell him I donât care if he drinks or does drugs or walks halfway across the planet. If we love each other this much, we should be together no matter what.
Maybe Iâve been too hard on him, expecting him to be some kind of perfect that doesnât exist. Lots of people have addictions and they still have careers and relationships. If Iâm patient with him, maybe we can find a way to overcome it and heâll quit for good. It would be so much better than this. Thereâs no reason we canât work this out together.
I grab my phone and dial his number.
âMom?â Lyric pokes her head through the doorway. âAre we taking Acorn for his walk?â
And there it is, my adorable, sweet, world of reason.
Smiling, I press the end call button on the phone before Blue answers.
âI was just coming to get you,â I answer, folding the note back up and putting it in my nightstand with all the others I have saved over the years.
I hope youâre right, Blue, and someday we get this right. For all of us.