Chapter 38: No Tomorrow: Chapter 38

“Of course Lyric can stay with us for a week,” my mother says, not looking up from the crossword puzzle she’s doing. “Where did you say you were going? It’s a business trip?”

“No, Mom, it’s not for work. I told you I’m going to Seattle to spend time with Blue.”

“Who?”

I press my finger against the dull throbbing in my temple.

“Blue. Lyric’s father.”

She lays the crossword book in her lap, takes her reading glasses off, and stares at me.

“Oh. Well. When did all this happen?”

“It’s a little complicated. We started talking a few months ago and he’s come to visit us a few times. Lyric loves him. He’s great with her.”

“Suddenly that loser decided he wants to be a father?”

I thought my dad was asleep in his recliner across the room, but apparently he’s been just sitting there with his eyes closed listening to us.

I lean back into the squishy couch cushions and cross my arms. “He’s not a loser, Dad.”

“If he’s such a great father now, why isn’t your daughter going with you?”

“He wants her to. I thought it would be best if I visited him alone first, to see how things go, see where he lives. It’s still very new so I’m being cautious.”

“Honey, are you involved with him? We were under the impression all that ended years ago.”

All that. Is that what we were?

“We’re trying to figure it out, Mom. Right now we’re taking things one day at a time.”

My father scoffs. “Figuring what out? How he can use you?”

“Use me for what, exactly?” If he brings up the milking the cow scenario again I’m going to walk right the heck out of here.

“Who the hell knows? But you’re going to just let him do it, whatever it is.”

“There’s nothing he could use me for. I don’t have anything. His band has a double platinum album. He’s got a ton of money now. He’s very good-looking. He could probably have any woman he wants.”

“Then what’s he doing with you, Piper? If he’s living the life of a celebrity what does he want with a single mother living in a small town in New Hampshire?

“He loves me. Is that so inconceivable?”

“Actually, it is. If he loves you so much he would have been in your life long before this. And he probably is getting any woman he wants. Why wouldn’t he? Some men just like women they can treat like toys and throw away, Piper. Especially ones that fall at their feet and keep taking them back. That’s not love.”

My mother shakes her head. “Bill, for God’s sake what’s wrong with you? We don’t even know him.” She turns to me. “It’s a bit of a shock, honey, that’s all. We had no idea you still had feelings for him after all this time. Or that he was any part of your life.”

I’ve mostly kept all things Blue hidden from my parents over the years, only mentioning him casually. My father has never forgiven me for getting pregnant by a disappearing homeless man. He’s treated me as if I’m carrying a contagious disease since the night I told them I was pregnant. The chances of him ever accepting Blue as part of our lives are obviously slim.

That’s a bridge I’m going to have to cross if things move forward with Blue.

“We’ve always loved each other. The timing has just never been right.”

“And now it is? Just like that?” My father snaps his fingers.

“Yeah, Dad. Just like that.”

“So you’re just going to abandon Lyric for a week to run around with him?”

I slide my tongue over the edge of my teeth to keep myself from telling my father to fuck off.

“I’m hardly abandoning her. She’s staying with her grandparents.” Grandmother is more like it. “I haven’t taken a vacation since she was born. I think I’m allowed.”

“Of course you are, Piper. You work too much. You deserve to get away and have some fun. Lyric and I will have a great time. Just ignore your father.”

“Don’t tell her to ignore me. I don’t want to see our daughter get hurt again by some hooligan who somehow managed to become famous by swindling people.”

“How are you coming up with this crap? Swindling hooligan?” I snort. “He’s famous because he’s talented and that’s the only reason. Honestly, Dad, it’s ironic that you don’t want me to get hurt, but your attitude toward me is what really hurts me.”

“I don’t have an attitude.”

“You do. You have for years and I’m tired of it. You can stop punishing me.”

“I’m not punishing you. I’m disgusted that you threw your life away.”

His words are like a punch to my stomach. “And I’m disgusted you threw me away. So, we’re even.” I stand and zip up my pink hoodie. “I’m leaving. I’ll bring Lyric by next Friday, Mom.”

She stands and walks with me out to the kitchen, to the back door that leads to the driveway.

“Don’t pay attention to your father. He’s stressed at work and it makes him irrational and grumpy. I know he doesn’t show it well, but he loves you and worries about you. More than he does your sisters. You’ve always been more fragile than they are.” She pulls the zipper of my hoodie up higher. “I think because you were such a teeny tiny baby that we’ve always been overprotective of you. He’s just… abrasive.”

“He’s like a cheese grater, Mom. Please don’t let him be mean to Lyric while she’s here. She’s not used to condescending remarks being made at her. She’s so happy right now to have her father in her life, I don’t want Dad making her feel like Blue’s a bad person or that she’s some kind of mistake.”

“I promise you, he won’t. He’s always nice to her. Do you really think I’d let my granddaughter be uncomfortable here or that I’d let him hurt her feelings? I love her just like I love you. I’ll have a talk with him tomorrow about all of this. Don’t worry.”

“I wish he’d just let it go. It’s been almost nine years, Mom. And you know what? Regardless of how I met Blue and how he was living at the time, I loved him and he loved me. We may not have had a conventional relationship, but Lyric was conceived out of love. We still love each other.”

She nods. “I know that. And for what it’s worth, I hope you can find happiness with him if that’s what you want. It must count for something that you two have never forgotten each other.”

I kiss her cheek, grateful that her and I have been getting along better recently. “I hope it does. Thanks, Mom. I’ll see you next week with Lyric.”

As I back out of the driveway she waves at me from the door. One of No Tomorrow’s songs is playing on the radio.

So many nights, my heart bled for you

These veins begging to be slit

I’ll hold the blade and you hold my hand

Together we’ll end it all, and I’ll take the fall

Ladybug, ladybug, fly far far away

Come back to me some other day

When the skies are blue and the darkness fades

Maybe we’ll find some other way….

The accompanying bass is deep, thumping like a heartbeat, reverberating through the speakers and vibrating into my chest. Blue’s voice wavers and drifts off at the last line, and it gives me chills.

What goes through your head, Blue?