I call her cell phone for what must be the fiftieth time.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
âHi, youâve reached the voicemail of Piper Karel. Leave me a message and Iâll call you back as soon as I can. Thanks!â
âBabe, itâs me. Where are you? Iâve been calling you for hours. Not sure whatâs going on. Call me when you get this. I love you.â
My hand shakes erratically as I end the call. Ashes spill off the cigarette Iâm holding and sprinkle onto the hotel carpet.
I hold the butt to my lips and suck it like Iâm syphoning for air. I hold the smoke in my lungs. Let it fill my hollow void, then let it out.
I pace the room. Exactly six steps to the balcony. Exactly six steps back to the edge of the bed.
Six.
Six.
Six.
Piper always answers my calls. Sheâs a creature of extreme habitâalways at the same place at the same time of day every day. Sheâs the one and only thing that doesnât fuck with me or confuse me.
Itâs five p.m. there.
Itâs ten p.m. here.
I woke at six a.m.
Didnât I? What day is it?
Does that even fucking matter?
Where is she?
Ladybug, have you finally flown away from me?
I light another cigarette. Now Iâve got one in each hand.
Sheâs gone.
No more soft voices. No smiles. No love. No more hope.
No more peace. No more normal.
The silence is maddening, thrashing in my brain like a wild animal.
The emptiness is turning my blood to liquid ice.
Iâm shivering from the cold.
She left you.
They all left you.
No.
Drink. It will melt the ice. You need the warmth and the heat in your veins.
No.
The drugs will cure you. Youâre sick. It will numb the pain. Silence the silence.
No.
No one will know. Youâre alone. Youâre always alone. You only have me. I wonât tell.
No. They love me.
You disappoint them. They deserve better. Theyâve run away. To hide from you.
They wouldnât do that.
Evan, you dumb fuck. They already have.
Go away. Please just go away.
Fly away from it all. You know you have wings. Use them. Come with me. Stand on the balcony. Just six steps. Fly with me. Youâll never hurt again. Youâll be free, just like me. Watch me fly. Do what I do.
No. I donât have wings.
Shhh. You can sing and fly just like me. I wonât let you fall.
No. Youâre not real.
I snatch up the phone again and smash my finger on the speed-dial for Piperâs house.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
âHi, weâre not home right now. Leave us a message. Thanks!â
Fuck.
What. The. Fuck.
I struggle to use my calm, sober, Iâve-got-it-together, nothing-to-worry-about-here voice.
Iâd probably have an easier time singing the fucking National Anthem right now.
âPiperâ¦I need you, baby. Where are you? I canât find you or Lyric. Please donât do this. Iâm better now. I love you. Please come back.â
I pace again.
I walk.
Out the door and down the stairs.
So many fucking stairs, I canât even count.
Every time I tell them donât give me stairs and yet, they still give me all the fucking stairs.
Iâm walking.
Out into the night, into the cool, open air.
My heart is aching, my fingers are numb.
My vision is blurred at the edges like a burnt photograph. Everything is fading away.
I walk.
Step. Step. Step. Step.
One, two, three, fourâ¦
Every step grounding me. Clearing my mind. Moving me forward. Away, away, away from the voices.
Walking.
For as long as it takes, as far as it takes.
As long as Iâm walking, Iâm not able to fly.