"I fell
for you
and I am
still
falling"
-d.j
One More Mistake
Chapter fifty-one
â± As Alec killed the engine, we stood quiet with questions roaming around in the silence. But, I was afraid of asking them because Alec has been quiet ever since we left the restaurant.
"I made it worse didn't I?" His question made all the silence go away. I turn to look at him for the first time and he stares back at me. He seems calmer now than he did but that didn't help my nerves. He was furious with me when we left that restaurant.
More questions popped into my head and this time they were about Alec.
Earlier, in the restaurant he wanted me to tell him what I knew. He practically threatened me to a point where he physically hurt me. Now he was staring back at me like I was the only one that mattered to him.
I glanced down at my arm and just like the other one, I had a big bruise printed around my wrist.
A reminder that Alec did this to me, the same person who forced himself on me. This was him, the real him and I should be afraid of him, I should be running away from him.
I knew I should be doing something.
"What?" was the only thing I said, my eyes avoiding his.
"You hate me even more than you did before." It was supposed to be a question although it came out more as a statement.
"And does that bother you?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
"Yes, of course it does" he says, shifting in his seat and now facing me. It took everything in me to look back at him with a hard look. It was when I realized that I was actually worried for him, not afraid, but purely worried.
"Tell me what's wrong with you, Alec" I say, and his face changes before me. He now looked at me like he was afraid of me.
"One moment, you're furious at me then the next you're..." I stop before examining him.
"Like this, like you care about me, but that wouldn't make sense because you did this" I say, as I held up my arm showing him the bruise he gave me. He was the one who looked away from me.
"You don't think I care about you?" He asked, but his voice was so low and it felt like he was asking himself instead of me.
"You don't care, at least I don't think you do. How am I supposed to know when you've hurt me several times before. How could you claim to care about me when all you've done was follow everything Bruce tells you to do. I don't know how you expected me to know." He hasn't turned to look at me but I watch him in silence. He ran one hand through his hair in frustration.
It was quiet for a while and I noticed the way Alec was fighting with himself. I wasn't sure for what reason but it was damaging him.
"I shouldn't tell you this, I don't want to but I feel I owe it to you." He says, taking a shaky breath.
I wait in silence.
"I have bipolar disorder," he said quietly. He didn't turn to face me, he kept his face hidden.
"What?" I asked as everything made sense but for a second I doubted him.
"I'm bipolar, that's why I'm the way I am. It sucks but what could I do about it?" He said before slowly meeting my eyes. He looks at me, almost studying me, and I realized that he's waiting for something to show up in my face.
Disgust? Pity?
"Yesterday night, I lost control but I didn't want to hurt you in any way. Earlier today, I've lost control as well and I hurt you again" he said as he glanced at my hand which was laying on my lap.
"Thea, I wouldn't ever want to hurt you, I wouldn't want you to hate me.. " he said as he was now holding my hands, his heart on his sleeve. He was breaking down and now I didn't know what to say, or do.
"Please, say something," he said after the long silence.
What did he want me to say because I didn't know what to think either. Should this be the reason why I should forgive him, should this be the reason to treat him as a friend instead of an enemy? I didn't know the correct answer for either of those questions.
He was telling me that he wasn't in full control of his actions yesterday night or today, but how would I ever be sure of that? What if that was one of his excuses, what if he were lying?
No.
"Alec, I..." I stop, and he now understands why I haven't spoken. His face changes and he lets go of my hands. I wanted to trust him, I wanted to believe what he was telling me the truth but I just couldn't. Alec saw that and now his face looked full of regret, for telling and for showing a little part of himself he thought he could trust me with.
But I failed him.
I wish things were different, I wish that it would be easy enough for me to trust him and share the side I hide from everyone else. I wish I could tell him all the things he wanted me to tell him but I just couldn't and it pained me.
He shifted in his seat and I fought the urge to reach out my hands and tell him something. I sat quietly beside him, hating myself for the way I was.
Why couldn't I just trust him, why?
He stared in front of the window and as I was about to say something, he spoke.
"I want you to go, Thea" he spoke, his voice void of any emotion. I was taken off guard so I didn't move at all.
"Please, Thea." he whispered this time and in a swift motion he locked eyes with me.
His eyes were glistening and this was the first time he's ever shown me himself. He looked so young, almost like a boy and he also looked so hurt.
"Please" he pleaded, slowly building the wall between us.
I hurt Alec and now he wasn't ever going to trust me with anything.
"I.." nothing came out, I tried but I couldn't.
He opened up to me but I couldn't return it.
"I'm sorry" I said quietly but he seemed like I punched him harder. I got off the car, and I stared at him a moment after but he wasn't looking at me anymore. His eyes were set straight ahead, his hand was clutching onto the steering wheel.
"I'm sorry, Alec" I whispered so low, I don't think Alec heard me and I shut the door.
He didn't take long before turning on the engine and driving away.
I stayed in the driveway until the sight of his headlights were nothing but darkness.
Thank you for reading!!