Chapter 122: Chapter Twenty-five

Alec

I stared at the pill bottle in my hands like it was going to suddenly start talking to me and fix all my problems.

Right.

Pills never fixed anything.

Then again, neither did alcohol, or sex, or… well, that list could go on and on and on.

I took a swig of the bottle of champagne I'd grabbed from inside and told myself crying was stupid. It wouldn't accomplish anything.

Nope, all it did was make me feel worse about everything. I was given the perfect opportunity to tell the truth and I blew it. Why the hell didn't I say something? It was like I froze.

Like no matter how badly I wanted to say, “Hey, I think I was drugged last year, and Jaymeson's mom is a conniving bitch,” I couldn't. I wouldn't do that.

Was she innocent?

I had no idea.

But the pictures. Damn those pictures. I squeezed my eyes shut and groaned. Who the hell paid her to do that? I slammed my fist against the wall. I knew it was a set up.

Ruben had to have known. But how the hell did he know? Angelica? April? I groaned. It looked so ridiculously bad I didn't even know what to do.

With shaking hands I grabbed Nat's phone and looked through the rest of the pictures. April had thrown me completely under the bus. Me and Demetri, but why? I couldn't even deny anything.

The last picture wasn't one from tonight.

Nope. It was one of the hotel room with April. The one that had been on the newsstand at the airport.

When I'd first seen it, it only looked like April in the picture, but in the background I could fuzzily make out my face.

The headline on that article read, “Ex-wife of multi-million dollar producer does X with rock star Alec Daniels.”

Fan-freaking-tastic.

I'd known I'd felt funny that night. I just didn't know why. I'd taken X before, but I'd always known I was taking it.

Disgusted with myself, I punched the sand and looked out at the ocean. Everything seemed so calm around me.

I don't even know how long I sat there, clenching the sand in my hands. I felt like I didn't have any options.

What could I have done?

I had no idea Angelica was going to out me on national TV. We signed a waiver. No way were they going to edit that shit out. I sighed and began counting waves.

Maybe I could regain some sense of control if I counted them, categorized them. Ten minutes, and then twenty went by. I grew sicker as the sky clouded over.

Webisodes. We were filming webisodes, meaning that the episodes were going live almost immediately following. Ruben thought it would be more realistic if it were a live show.

Well.

It was real all right.

“Alec?” Ruben's voice was too excited and grated on my nerves. A camera crew came bustling down the beach. “Alec, talk to us. Your girlfriend's in there crying and she's really upset, what happened?”

I punched the ground. “Ruben, not now. Aren't you supposed to be gone?”

He shrugged and laughed. “What, you think it's going to blow over? Maybe it will help if you talk about it. You know, like your brother did when he went to therapy last year.”

“Excuse me?” I jumped to my feet as Ruben backed up further.

“You heard me,” he said calmly. “Your brother was able to go to therapy for almost an entire year. Now look at how great he's doing. It seems to me you needed the therapy more than he did.

“A what?” I roared. “What the hell, Ruben?”

“Zoom in,” Ruben ordered the camera crew. “A sex addict. How long have you been a sex addict?

“What. The. Hell. I would never do that!”

“Pictures.” Ruben held up a cell and handed it to me. “See for yourself.”

I scrolled through more pictures. The first one was the one that was on that stupid gossip magazine. The one that Nat had seen, but the other ones that followed weren't of me. I was sure of it.

The date said last month. Everyone knew I'd been in Seaside last month.

Angelica was in the pictures, next to a guy with dark hair, a guy with the exact same tattoo on his back. But I swore it wasn't me. I would never cheat. I would never—

And then I remembered Angelica's words. “Either way, I win.”

Is this what she meant? She'd set me up either way? Just to get even? And prove a point?

“That isn't me,” I said softly, channeling my anger at myself instead of everyone else. “I swear it isn't me.”

“Alec, why don't you tell us what happened? Once and for all, hmm?”

I looked back at the Beach House, then at Ruben. “I tell the truth and I'm out.”

“You have a contract.”

“You want your story or do you want me?”

Ruben regarded me silently. “The story. If you please.”

The guy seriously had no heart. I mean, we'd established that already, but geez, he was crazy.

“I want to be out of here before they see. Can you do that?” My voice wavered as I said it. I knew it would be goodbye.

I knew Nat would hate me forever, but one thing that Ruben said stuck with me. Demetri was the better man. He'd dealt with his shit. I hid mine. I controlled mine. I was the idiot, not him.

Maybe it was just me being a guy, but in that moment I refused to put Nat through that. She deserved more, and then maybe one day she would forgive me and find it in her heart to love me again.

But I'd hidden it too long. Protected too many people and kept too many damn secrets.

“I can do that,” Ruben said softly.

“Let's go.” I walked back toward the Beach House. “I want Nat to be in the confessional, but no one else, okay?”

“Whatever you need.” Ruben smiled triumphantly as I stomped back to the house. I was going to hell, and I was dragging everyone down with me.

****

“What the hell is going on?” Ruben roared once we reached the downstairs.

Demetri was on the floor, blood dripping from his fists. Jaymeson was in the corner with an ice pack against his cheek.

“Fight,” Demetri muttered, rubbing the towel across his bloody hands. “Over, uh—”

“—the last bag of potato chips,” Jaymeson stammered from the corner.

“Is that a tooth?” Ruben pointed to the ground.

“Hey, Ruben found my tooth!” Jaymeson shouted.

Demetri sagged against the wall. “I was hoping it would turn up. Sorry, man.”

Jaymeson waved him off lazily, and retrieved his tooth. “So Ruben, what's up? Have you come to make us answer more questions from the Fishbowls of Hell?”

I stepped away from Ruben. My presence felt like it took up the entire room as I stood in the middle of it and sighed. “I'm doing my confessional.”

“Confessionals already?” Jaymeson asked, air whistling through his teeth. Geez, Demetri really did do a number on that guy.

“Alec's doing his early,” Ruben answered.

“Nat.” I held out my shaking hand, but she refused to take it. Instead, she stared blankly at my fingers as if they weren't just all over her body this morning.

“I need you in on this one.” I hoped to God she wouldn't reject me. Instead, she stood, wiped her hands on her jean shorts and followed me into the confessional room.

I don't know what it was about reality shows. They always did confessionals, but our show had been different… up until now.

The producers would go in with each individual and try to play the cast against each other. At least that's what it always seemed like.

They wouldn't have to try tonight.

I sat in the chair in the middle of the room while Nat stood behind the camera crew.

“So, Alec, it's been a rough night.” Ruben still sounded way too excited to be walking me toward the plank.

“I screwed up.”

“How so?” Ruben asked.

“I trusted the wrong people. Messed up trying to help those who couldn't help themselves. I said yes when I should have said no. Really, take your pick.” I smirked at Ruben.

“Pardon?”

“Trusting the wrong people. Saying yes when you should have said no.”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” He shifted on his feet and glanced at the crew, all of whom were looking at him with confusion evident in their eyes.

“Sure you do, Ruben.” I folded my arms across my chest. “After all, I'm guessing the only reason you know about what happened at that film premiere is because Angelica told you. At least her truth.

“I don't think—”

“Let him talk. It's good TV,” the assistant producer urged.

“Yeah, Ruben, let me talk.” I gave him a shit-eating grin and continued. “How do the stories start? Oh right, Once Upon A Time…”

I glanced at Nat. “I was an idiot. We had just come to Seaside to live, and I was somewhat nursing a broken heart… unrequited love and all that.” Tears streamed down Nat's face as I continued.

“I was angry. Angry that I couldn't forget her, angry that I wanted her, and angry that I was selfish enough to do anything to possess her.”

Nat wiped the tears with the back of her long sleeve shirt and sighed.

“I loved her. I still love her.” I looked at the camera. “But that's not good TV. That's not what you want.

“What you want to hear is that I went on some crazy drug binge in L.A. while still dating her, which just for the record, never happened. I went to the premiere of Heart Ache.

“I'd always supported Jaymeson. This time was no different. He knew I was having a rough go at it and invited me down.

Ruben eyes narrowed into slits. “Is that when you started doing drugs again?”

I laughed. “Man, are you listening to yourself?” I shook my head. “No, but Angelica sure was. She was so loaded by the time I took her back to her hotel.

“I was afraid she would either die by choking on her own vomit or get raped. Yes. We kissed that night. To be fair, I'd had my fair share to drink as well. I put her into bed and left.”

“You left the hotel?” Ruben asked.

And this is the part where I needed Nat to listen, because I knew she would hate me forever, but she needed the truth. Had to have the truth. And it wasn't just about what I had done.

It was what I was still doing, to her. “No. I bumped into another woman.”

“Her name?”

“April Cartwright.”

“Would that be the ex-wife of producer David Cartwright?”

“Yes.” I clenched my teeth. “She invited me into her room and I followed.”

“What happened?”

With a bitter laugh I shook my head. “What didn't happen? We drank champagne, we talked, we joked, and the next thing I knew, I woke up in bed with her.”

“Did you do drugs?”

“Not that I know of, though pictures make it look like there was ecstasy involved. Her ex had sent her champagne that night. The bottle could have already been opened. I don't know.

“What about Mrs. Cartwright?”

“She apologized profusely, said it would never happen again, and if the media ever found out they'd take away her children.

“Was she on drugs?”

I sighed. “I can't answer that because I don't know.”

“So you slept with a married woman, who just happened to be your best friend's mom, and then lied about it?”

“Sort of.” I groaned into my hands, and then said the one thing I knew I'd been saying for the past three months. Like a broken record, I just repeated what I knew.

“It's complicated.” I glanced to where Nat was sitting. But she was gone. She'd left the room. Panic rose in my chest as I stood.

“Sit down, Alec.”

“We're done. I'm done. You have your damn story, Ruben. I hope you're happy. Not only are you potentially ruining my career, but the lives of the people I care about.”

I stormed out of the room in search of Nat.

I searched the house. Demetri silently pointed to the door that led to the back deck.

I walked out and sat down next to her, putting my feet in the pool.

“Say something.” My voice shook as I fought not to reach for her hands.

Tears still streamed down her face. “I can't be mad at you. I want to be, but I can't. We weren't together, and as much as you must hate yourself right now, Alec, you were in a bad place.”

“You don't understand.” I hung my head and sighed. “Nat, I messed up. But that's not it. It's not even what happened. It's the fact that I'm still so damn messed up.

“I crack under the pressure and then to make myself feel better, I let you consume me. I let us consume me.”

“Why is that bad?” She reached for my hand, but I jerked away.

“Why isn't using my own girlfriend for sex bad? Seriously, Nat? I love you, but I'm using you. Don't you get it? I can't get over everything.

“How could I possibly get over everything when all I've ever done is try to keep everyone together? When we moved here I was so focused on Demetri keeping his shit together, I just pushed mine away.

“When I met you it was such a breath of fresh air. It was like I could finally breathe again. But it's not enough.”

“Not enough?” Her voice wavered. “I'm not enough?”

“Shit. It's not that, Nat, and you know it.”

“I use you to feel better.” I'd said it. I'd finally admitted it out loud, and I felt like a complete and total asshole.

I went off drugs only to find a new addiction — something to mask the pain.

Her.

“Use me, as in…?”

“Sex.” I closed my eyes. “I use you, Nat. I love you, don't get me wrong, but every time I'm stressed, every time my past haunts me, I don't go to alcohol. It doesn't work. I don't go to pills.

“They never did much. I go to you. I can't survive without you.”

Nat pushed away from me and stood. “It's not about sex.”

“But it is, Nat. For me it is.”

“Not for me.” Her chest heaved as she fought for air and began pacing in front of me.

I stood and joined her, grabbing her hands as I said, “Maybe in a way you're right. It's not about sex. It's not even about being physical, Nat.

“It's the damning reality that the minute I met you, I met someone I could share my soul with. Sharing my body was one thing, but sharing my soul? I can't get that back.

“I don't want to get that back. But the worst part is, after everything that's happened, I still want you to have a piece of me, even if it's only a little bit.

“Just like I still want a piece of you even though it hurts so much I want to scream myself to sleep. I've always wanted you.

“I just didn't realize until it was too late how much I craved you — needed you in order to function.

“What about me?” Nat sobbed against my chest. “What about us? I don't understand! Why is it such a bad thing? Why can't we get through this together?”

I sighed into her hair, memorizing her scent. “Because I never got through it alone, Nat.”

“But I can help. I can—”

I kissed her hard across the mouth. “Do you feel this?” I said against her lips. “I want to forget this whole damn conversation. I want to lose myself in you.”

“Then do it.” She arched against me. I backed up and cursed.

“Nat, it's not healthy. Don't you see? Don't you see how you'll live to resent me? Live to resent us? This? What we have? It isn't balanced — it isn't healthy.”

“Oh, and you're the expert on healthy relationships, Alec?” she snapped.

“No. I just know you deserve to be in one.”

“I want you. Only you.” Her shoulders shook.

“I want you too. But just because I want you doesn't make it right, Nat. Just because I love you doesn't make it okay to keep using you the way I am.”

“So that's it?” Thick tears ran down her cheeks.

I cursed and ran my hands through my hair. “Yeah, Nat. That's it.”

“So what happens now?” She wiped some moisture from her cheeks and crossed her arms protectively over her chest.

I would forever remember that moment. During those lonely nights when I was tempted to do something stupid, I'd remember the look of betrayal on her face.

“I stop hurting you.” I cleared my throat. “I'm sorry, Nat. But this is goodbye.”

She sank to her knees on the deck.

I fought with every ounce of willpower I still possessed to walk away.

And I did.

I left the girl I loved — the only girl who would ever hold a piece of my heart — crying alone outside.

The very fact that I could do that proved to me yet again that I was a lesser man than she deserved. One day… one day she would thank me for being strong enough to walk away.

I just hoped I would live to see it. Because at that moment I wanted nothing more than to die.