Chapter 32: Chapter Thirty-Two

Alec

“He told you everything.”

I felt her nod even though I didn't see it. I couldn't actually bring myself to look her in the eyes.

“Tell me it isn't true.”

My laugh was bitter, void of emotion. “I can't do that.”

“Can't or won't?”

After a heavy sigh, I turned to face her. “I can't deny the truth. I did everything he said, and what's probably worse is I got her hooked on drugs in the process.”

She closed her eyes.

“Nat…” My voice was a whisper.

“Just take me home.”

We rode home in silence. I could tell that she was doing the only logical thing she could do… putting the pieces of the puzzle together. The reasons for us being in Seaside.

The secret, how it affected me, how it ruined my brother. I felt like shit and it was all because I'd done something shitty. Wasn't that great?

The crazy thing was… I didn't really care that Nat thought I was a loser, if anything I cared that she would blame Demetri for what he did. I was the bad guy.

I was the reason for Demetri's issues—I knew that. I had to face myself in the mirror every day and know that I was the reason two people died.

I was the reason Demetri was on the road to killing himself. Me. Me. Me.

We drove in silence. When the car pulled up to my house she didn't move.

“Nat…”

She closed her eyes and sighed. “Tell me everything.”

“It's complicated. I don't think...”

“Tell me. Now.”

“Heroin.” I laughed humorlessly. “I told her it would help her relax.” I couldn't look at Nat as I told the story. “We had been partying all weekend and Demetri was already in bed. She was drunk.”

Tears rolled down Nat's cheeks. I was a monster. A complete, and total monster.

“It was all over within twenty minutes. Neither of us was really thinking. Had I been thinking, I wouldn't have gone through with it. But alcohol? Drugs? They have a way of messing with you.

“I knew what I was doing—I just didn't care.

Nat gasped.

“I've never seen that look on his face before. They had a huge fight, broke up, and we didn't hear from her again until we found out she was pregnant.

We sent her into rehab. Our little boy, whom I never met, went to his grandma's. The next we heard from her, she was released from rehab and sounded really happy.

I apologized again and told her how sorry I was. She and Demetri talked on the phone and got in a fight. She, um… She went to pick up Benjamin and was hit in a head-on collision.

Nat closed her eyes. Her voice shook as she spoke, “So the canceled concert tour this year? The time off?”

“Grief counseling and addiction.”

“Addiction?”

“Not me, Nat.” I bit my lip. “I don't touch the stuff. I don't touch anything. It ruined a part of me that I don't think I'll ever get back. The addiction? That would be my brother's. Also my fault.”

“He makes his own choices. It's not your fault.” Why the hell was she defending me?

I laughed bitterly, “Yeah, I think it is, Nat. It was all me. I was the partier, the wild one. I never got in trouble. I never had any consequences.

“Somehow, I got lucky, and for some reason I never felt addicted. I just liked the feeling drugs gave me. That was not the case with Demetri.”

“Is he on drugs now?”

“I don't know. He's drinking heavily again, that much is clear. Nat…” I licked my lips. “You don't have to stay. You can go.” I was trying like hell to hold back tears.

“I kill everything I touch. It's like I'm poison.”

“No!” She reached for me but I jerked back. I didn't want to taint her, to bring black to what was so white.

She reached for me again and pulled my body into her arms, the console kept us from being closer.

“Alec, look at me.” I choked tears back, fought with every shred of dignity I had to keep from losing my shit, “What you did was messed up. I'm not going to deny it.

“Nor am I going to say that I'm not seriously tempted to jump out of this car and run away from you, but I love you. I love who you are now. The man you are now.

My entire body trembled. “Nat, you have to know. I'm not that guy anymore. I don't even know who that guy was, I just—”

Her kiss was forceful and pleading. Nat wrapped her hands around my shoulders, jerking me closer to her. My tongue reached out, licking her lower lip then dove slowly into her mouth.

Her taste was an addiction in and of itself—if I was being completely honest, just being with her made everything fade into the darkness.

I was able to store the pain, because she made me feel like it didn't exist. I was desperate for her.

“Nat—” I groaned against her mouth, my hands gripping her shoulders as I pushed her tenderly away. “I love you so much, you know that, right? I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“I know.”

Rain began to fall, sounding like loud applause. Good timing. Nat smirked. “Race you to the house?”

That was it. After everything, she was going to forgive me? Love me? It was too good to be true. I instantly relaxed. “Yeah, Nat, race you to the house.”

She beat me. Then again, I let her. It wasn't about winning; hell, I'd already won.

When I reached her, I started laughing; she looked like a drowned rat. Drenched from head to toe, she leaned towards me. I traced her face with my fingers. “You're so beautiful, Nat.”

She winked then rose to her tiptoes expectantly. Mine. She was finally mine. I chuckled and lifted her off the ground for a kiss and crushed my lips against her mouth.

“Get a room or something,” Demetri grumbled, pushing past us; he wasn't even walking in a straight line.

Shit! I set Nat on her feet and reached for my brother. He wasn't well. Not at all. “Where the hell do you think you're going?”

“Out!” Demetri stumbled to his car and threw open the door. The wind picked up, whipping it across my face.

“The hell you are!” I ran toward the car and tried to jerk the door open, but Demetri locked the doors and slammed the car into drive. “Demetri! Don't!” I yelled so much my voice was hoarse.

The Mercedes peeled out of the driveway and took off, almost hitting a few mailboxes on the way.

“Damn it!” Panicked, I kicked the ground then ran to my side of the SUV and quickly jumped in. “Get in, Nat.”

She didn't need to be told twice.

I only had an idea of the direction he went. I didn't want to call him, lest he be idiot enough to answer it and actually get himself killed.

“Stupid! Why is he so stupid?” I slammed the steering wheel. “I want to hate him! Damn it!” Sirens blared in the distance.

I didn't make the connection.

Minutes later, we pulled around the corner.

“Alec, pull over!”

“I can't, Nat! I have to find Demetri, I have to—” The words died on my lips as my eyes fell on the accident ahead of us.

My world tilted, fell off its little pedestal, and shattered.

I'd just killed someone.

But not just anyone.

My brother.

“No.” I shook my head and pulled into a spot across the street. “No.” I slammed the car door and ran at top speed towards the paramedics as they carried the stretcher to the ambulance.

Blood was everywhere. Demetri moaned. I started cussing and pushing at the cops as they pulled me away from a paramedic. Holy shit, I was going to punch the guy if he didn't let me see Demetri.

I fought against the cops for what felt like hours as someone pushed against Demetri's chest.

More blood.

My knees gave way. I kept shouting, but it was like I was watching myself react, not actually experiencing it.

Nat wrapped her arms around my waist, and then I saw Mrs. Murray. She hugged me too, and I burst into tears.

“Are you his brother?” one of the paramedics asked.

“Yes,” Nat answered for me.

“If you're riding with us, we need to go now.” He jumped into the ambulance. I looked to Nat as if waiting for her permission.

“Go!” She pushed me towards the doors. “We'll follow.”

I was relieved she was able to make the decision for me.

The one thing I'd failed to do.

Keep him alive.

When we got to the hospital, they had already been notified. They moved Demetri into a surgical room. I tried to follow but was again restrained.

A man I'd seen once in my life—Mrs. Murray's husband—took one look at me, then one look at Demetri, and yelled, “I'm scrubbing in.”

“You've been up for twenty-four hours,” a man shouted.

“I'm scrubbing in. Don't make me repeat myself.”

“Yes, Doctor,” the same man yelled back.

Mr. Murray gripped my shoulders. “It's going to be fine. Alright? It's fine. You need to be strong, can you do that?”

I nodded, feeling a bit sick.

“Water.” He pointed to the waiting room. “Go get some water and sit down.”

Legs shaking, I walked over to the waiting room, just in time to see Nat fly by me and fall into her dad's arms sobbing.

“Don't let him die, just don't let him…” She fell to the ground. Her dad nodded and ran off in the direction of the room.

“Nat?” Her mom helped her to her feet and then my arms were around her. She rubbed my back, my neck, and just held me. It was what I needed. It was my sanity during those moments.

After we held each other for a few minutes, I whispered in a shaky voice, “We should go sit down.”

Nat nodded.

Shit. Just another reason for her to hate me, for me to hate me.

I trained my eyes on the door. On the other side of that door, my brother was fighting for his life, so I tried to give him strength in the only way I knew how.

“He's going to be okay.” Nat squeezed my hand; I barely felt it.

“Alec,” Nat asked, “Is there anyone I need to call?”

Slowly, I shook my head, “I don't know, I can't think right now…”

“Your manager? Agent? Someone to handle the media?”

“Crap.” I looked away from the doors. “Nat, I don't think I can do it, I can't—” My voice cracked.

“Give me your phone.” She held out her hand.

I dug into my pocket and handed her the phone. I told her my agent's name, my publicist's name, everything.

When she was finished, some of the anxiety lifted. Nat hugged me and gripped my hand tighter. “Is there anything else I can do?”

I relaxed a bit and offered a pathetic smile. “Honestly, Nat, you've gone above and beyond the call of duty. Just sit by me. That helps.” It was the only thing that helped.

“I love you.”

I couldn't find my voice for a few seconds and when I did, I used the last strength I possessed to whisper, “I love you too, Nat.”